How To Torture Mello 8

How To Torture Mello 8.

Wow, 8 already.

The reviews that were heaped upon me squashed me for a few hours, until I gave them all strawberries and imaginary Pocky. Thank you all…and your plot bunnies were gnawing at my brains for the longest time. So here they are.

WOOT!

--

Raito woke up, shuddered, and found that he couldn't go back to sleep.

He'd just had a very disturbing dream about Mikami Teru doing the Caramelldansen, which is enough to scare anyone out of their mind. So he got up, noting that the handcuff usually around his wrist was now chained to the headboard, and went over to the bathroom to wash his face.

He tripped on something halfway there. "Gah!" he muttered, catching himself before he did a total faceplant on the carpet, and picked up the object of his frustration.

It was a book.

A worn, torn, dog-eared book, with the title messily scrawled on the front.

"How To Torture Mello…" he read to himself, grinning. "This could come in handy."

--

L swore he heard an evil cackle from across the room.

Five percent… he thought, eyeing the handcuff on his wrist.

--

Matt woke up, yawned contentedly, and sat back on his bed. "Mells…" he called over to the blonde-haired chocoholic, who groaned and turned over in response.

So Matt walked over and began to absent-mindedly pet his roommate's hair while fixing his goggles. "Mello, you've gotta get up. Get up. Geeeeet up."

"SHADDUP!" he yelled, furiously throwing a pillow in Matt's direction.

"Fine, don't have breakfast with me. I'll just make out with Near instead."

"YOU'LL WHAT?!"

--

They got dressed and staggered down to the mess hall, where the cook reprimanded Matt for using all her spices before finally giving them their preferred libations.

They walked over to the second table, chattering animatedly, and ran smack into Near, who was crouched on the floor playing with Legos.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" yelled Mello, getting up from the ground with a piece of bacon stuck in his hair, which he angrily pulled out. "GRAAHH! You and your stupid toys! Couldn't you wait until you got to the table?!"

A shadow fell over them.

"Hello, boys." said a smirking Raito, making both of them instantly think KIRA!! and want to run away.

Which they tried to do, before easily being caught by the brunette. "I think that it's time we all had a little…chat."

Matt audibly gulped.

--

Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap please god or whoever's up there SAVE MY SOUL from this evil guy! I don't want to die young! I've still got a life ahead of me! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

So went Mello's thoughts as Raito herded them up the steps to L's rooms, where he was staying. This was more like the "Walk Of Doom" that Roger was always threatening him with than anything that had ever happened to him.

Raito opened the double doors and let them walk in ahead of him. "Could you sit there, please?" he said, indicating two cushy chairs that were on the opposite side of a coffee table.

Mello glanced at Matt, who shrugged nervously. There was no way they were getting out of this one.

"I'm not here to punish you," said Raito, sitting down on the opposite sofa. "That's L's and Roger's department. I have no authority in that aspect, except to tell L. But I like you kids."

Mello kept a straight face while inwardly cackling his face off. He thinks he LIKES us? Poor guy…

And then Raito grinned that same grin that had made them both sweatdrop profusely. "You see, I have an advantage over you."

And he took out a book. A black-covered, dog-eared book with a simply scrawled title.

Mello took one look at it and nearly screamed bloody murder.

"So…if you boys choose to try to…er, stick another one of your collegues into my closet, there will be reciprocation. Just a warning." He smiled again, still making Matt and Mello want to claw at the walls in an attempt to get out.

Mello was speechless in terror.

--

After Raito sent them back down, the duo retreated warily to their room.

"THAT GUY!" yelled Matt, flinging his goggles off in a fit of rage. "WHAT DOES HE THINK HE'S DOING?!" He flolloped down onto his bed, and continued ranting. "I don't even know how he got that book in the first place! It was in he- …oh crap."

Mello looked over. "You had that book?"

Matt began to build a fortress of pillows around himself, cringing. "Yes. Near…he planted it in my closet somehow, and I found it…you know, when I switched your clothes-"

"Yes, I remember. That was the book?"

"…yeah." Matt said, still half-expecting an angry Mello rampage.

"So Raito, that creepy Kira dude, came in OUR ROOM! VIOLATION OF PERSONAL BUBBLAGE!!"

"You're right!"

--

That night, L crept into the foyer and opened the door for someone. "Welcome to Wammy's House, Misa-san."

"Oh, Ryuzaki, just call me Misa," answered the newcomer, who was decked out in fishnet stockings, a miniskirt, and a black camisole with innumerable necklaces dangling off of her neck. "All these kids…wow, it's going to be exciting in here!"

Little did she know that in Raito's room, things were already rather…exciting. Though not in the way that she thought.

--

"Pssst! Matt!"

"What?"

"Pass the pliers!"

"'Kay."

The duo had successfully broken into Raito's room, found the book, and made to leave…only to suddenly have a brainwave that Raito needed payback.

So now they were rapidly constructing a stink bomb to plant in the brunette's closet.

"Alright, the fuse is done. Are you sure we can detonate this from our room?"

"Have I ever been wrong in stuff like this?" asked Matt, turning skeptically to stare at Mello.

"Nope. Let's scoot."

And scoot they did, after Mello checked the entire apartment for so much as a molecule of chocolate.

--

"RAITO-KUUUUUUN!!"

"Hello, Misa."

Mello and Matt laid down on their beds, silently listening to the conversation upstairs. Before they'd left, they'd also installed a microphone in the air vent upstairs, and wired it to a pair of receivers in their room. It was a genius plan.

"So, Raito…are you going to get changed, or just stay around in your pajamas all day?" asked L, and Matt's hand tightened around the detonator.

There was a rustling sound- "Raito's up" mouthed Mello- and Matt, after waiting a second, pressed the button.

There was a dull boom.

"What was that?!" asked the girl's voice.

"Wait a second…" said Raito, as Matt and Mello turned off the receivers, and, mission complete, stalked off to breakfast.

--

L, Raito, and the mystery woman ran in, all holding their noses, to the great amusement of the orphans.

"Awesome," said Mello to Matt, who grinned, and was about to begin a make-out session when L stood up and cleared his throat.

"Er. Good morning," he said, looking over at the mystery woman and introducing her. "This is Misa Amane, she's a friend of mine and Raito-kun's fiancée."

There was a polite smattering of applause. L went on, "Er, early this morning, a stinkbomb detonated in Raito-kun's room…well, in his closet, actually. This was very, very, VERY bad. I'm trusting that whoever did it will confess to either me or Roger, but if no one steps up, then we'll have to punish all of you."

There was instant silence, followed by a huge uproar. "Why can't you use your detective skills?!" asked Windward, closely followed by Eldest, who shrieked something to the effect of "NOT FAIR" except with a lot more impolite words in between.

Mello and Matt were busy making out underneath the table.

--

Later that day, after lessons and lunch and other…stuff that Wammy's House kept confidential to outsiders (that means you, readers. Sorry.), Mello and Matt retreated to their room, only to be confronted by a very indignant sheep. They carried him in, set him down, and ordered, "Spill."

"…I have nothing to 'spill', I just want to congratulate you on the awesome stink-bombing job. And for getting my book back."

"WTFOMGTTYLBBQSTFULOLROFLLMAOPWPPCE!?" yelled Mello, making every texter within a thousand feet look up in terror.

"…I don't understand a word of that, but yes, I'm congratulating you. I can't make stinkbombs, you know."

"…" Matt's jaw was still hanging open, giving him the look of a goggled bulldog.

Near sighed, took his book, and left with a "Bye."

And Mello and Matt stared after him with glazed looks on their faces.

--

That night, Raito searched the entire room for How To Torture Mello. Twice.

And, mission failed, he screamed dementedly at the ceiling.

--

Near heard the pained scream coming from upstairs and smirked. Maybe being collegues with Mello was a good thing...especially when you got the benifits of hearing your greatest enemy scream his guts out over looking for a book. Life was good to the sheep.

Woot woot woot!

Near is becoming a good guy…heaven forbid!
Sorry about the uber-shortness of this chapter, I ran out of plot bunnies halfway through and started making a Weighted Companion Cube for my friend...yeah. Woo.
This was one of those little filler chapters, but don't worry, next chapter will involve a nekkid Mello (muahahahahhahahahaha! And the fangirls go wild!), a blushing Near, many embarrassing run-ins with Misa, Raito's personal diary, RaitoxL, and…Watari dancing the Hula.

Thanks again to all reviewers, I can't thank you enough.

Kaze Kimizu- plot bunnies equal luvs. Not the diapers. Just a note, hint hint, wink wink. Y'know, if you want some yummies in Chapter 9.

Kiri No Maria- THANKS SO MUCH FOR TRANSLATING THIS!! OOOHHH MAN! I can't really speak Spanish, but I can read it, and from what I understand it's AWESOMENESS. -throws pocky in your direction- THANK YOUUUUU!!

Signingout…

-blakemckenzie-黒川- Daisukeismyboyfriend