Chapter 8:

She hated herself. Never in her life had she felt so despondent. Each breath had been a struggle as she'd walked farther and farther away from Callie's apartment. Her stomach had been twisting and turning in knots and her legs had felt like led. That small voice in the back of her mind had, repeatedly, been calling her an idiot and the instrument of her own sorry state of affairs. She'd ignored the voice and continued walking.

Over the next several days, she'd buried herself in her work. The Traver's case had gone far better than she'd ever prayed to hope. Melanie had come through the surgery and gone into recovery and Arizona had been beyond relieved. She was supposed to release the child the next day so that she could continue her consolidation therapy. Arizona had done her job. She had saved her. She'd made sure that the young girl would have a chance at a life. A future.

As she sat in her apartment, drinking her 3rd shot of Charbay clear vodka, she let her mind drift.

"What are you doing? You'll...you're going to get the chicken pox." Callie said in a small voice heavy from sleep.

Arizona settled down snug behind her and wrapped her body around the dark skinned woman.

"So, I get the chicken pox." she said as she leaned down to inhale the scent pf the other woman that drove her crazy before turning so she could kiss the side of Callie's head.

Arizona had hated lying to the other woman. She hadn't even really meant to. It had been defensive. Callie's illness was not life threatening. She would have been fine. She was fine. Arizona had reacted to the other woman being sick. She had panicked. The blonde headed woman didn't react well to any type of sickness that affected her loved ones. She couldn't watch someone she loved, someone she was crazy about, lie in a hospital bed and be in any kind of discomfort. She'd been down that road before.

She threw her had back as she downed a 4th shot of vodka. The fiery beverage burned a path down her throat. She wasn't normally a person who drowned her sorrows in a $40 bottle of alcohol, but tonight she found comfort in the clear liquid. Her world no longer made sense. Everything was crashing and falling apart around her. She couldn't make heads or tails of the situation.

She'd run for so long. For almost two years, she'd tried to be a different person. She'd tried to create a new life. A life that couldn't be touched by her past. A past that was forever tarnished. For over a year of that time, she'd found hope and love and joy and perfection in one, Calliope Torres-her heart, her soul, her air, her foundation. Her Calliope. And now, now she had thrown all of that away because she'd been too scared to let the other woman in.

She laughed to herself as she poured another shot into the tumbler. She was sitting on the floor between her coffee table and her wrap around couch. All around her were pictures. Pictures of another time. Another life. They sat atop the coffee table in haphazard piles and all along the floor next to the blonde's body.

The pictures all showed the same three people. One of those people was tall with a runner's build, penetrating emerald green eyes, long dark brown hair, and the most perfect smile a person could ever ask for. The second was small, only a few years old, with light brown hair, cerulean blue eyes, and cute dimples adorning her cheeks. A third person could be seen in a few of the photos. Her blonde curls, blue eyes and perky cute smile gave her an all-American girl kind of look.

Arizona picked up the picture closest to her and let her fingers run lightly over the beautiful face smiling up at her. She saw herself in that face. So much of herself. The tears came suddenly and without warning. Tossing the picture on the table in front of her, Arizona finished her drink and let her mind, once again, drift.

"How does Little Grey know about your birthday and I don't?"

"Birthday's are just days like any other days. Don't like them, don't celebrate them. No big deal..."

She'd been a little worried when the topic had come up, but had been relieved and proud of herself for having had bypassed the conversation as skillfully as she had. There was a reason she didn't like birthdays. There was a reason she no longer celebrated them. Her birthday had started off on a horrible note with Wallace dying. Coming home to a room full of people who wanted to celebrate her birth had been too much. Wallace would not be celebrating anymore birthdays. It had brought up painful memories. Memories of another small child who no longer celebrated birthdays...

Arizona pushed herself up off the floor in an effort to shake the memories from her mind's eye. Her birthday had ended on a better note than it had begun. She'd finally been able to take the leap and tell Callie that she was in love with her. She'd been so nervous her finger tips had been tingling. Her heart had raced in her chest as she'd offered it to the other woman. It had been a huge step forward for the two of them and Arizona had been on cloud nine.

She walked into her kitchen and sat the bottle of vodka on the counter. She was tired and emotionally drained. The alcohol wasn't helping as much as she'd hoped. As she headed towards her bedroom, she prayed that sleep would come quickly so she could just forget...everything.

"Make love to me" she whispered against Callie's lips.

Callie pulled back and lowered the smaller woman to the bed. She removed the dress from her body and kneeled on the floor before the blonde. Arizona's eyes were tracking her every move. Callie thought she looked stunning as her arousal showed plainly across her features. She reached up and around the blonde until her fingers found the top of the zipper to Arizona's dress.

Leaning forward on her knees, she let her tongue lick a slow, wet path from Arizona's chin and jaw to her left ear. Her fingers made easy work of relieving the blonde of her dress. The smaller woman's hands were tangled roughly in her hair.

Callie softly nipped the blonde's ear as she pulled back to take her first look at the woman who had so captured her senses.

"Wow" she said softly in an awed tone. She laughed nervously to herself, as was her habit, as her eyes looked on hungrily at the blonde's exposed skin.

"Arizona, you're gorgeous." she said. "Damn, I want you"

The blonde leaned forward so she could wrap her hands around Callie's neck. She let her lips linger a breath away from the other woman's.

"You have me, Calliope." She smiled as she pulled away and leaned back on the bed. Callie took in the view before her with wanton lust. Arizona spread her legs before the dark skinned woman before speaking once more.

"So, take me."


The noise was persistent. The harder she tried to block it out, the louder it seemed to become. She'd been dreaming. The dream was fading like wisps of smoke to the far recesses of her mind. Her body could still feel Callie's lips on her skin. She could still hear Callie's soft whispers and taste her tongue in her mouth. The dream had been so vivid and now...

"I'm coming! Stop with the banging, already!" she said as she rolled out of her bed and away from her dreams. She stumbled out of her bedroom, down the hall, and across the living room. The pounding on her front door had not slowed and it was quickly pissing her off.

Throwing the door open with a jerk, she was surprised to see the object of her dreams standing outside. Callie looked beautiful, even in her upset and exhausted state.

"Calliope?" she asked in a confused voice.

The other woman barely looked at her as she pushed past her and stormed into her apartment. Closing the door behind her, Arizona turned to confront Callie, but was beat to the punch.

"You're talking to me. Now. I don't care what it is you have to say. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's been going on with you."

Arizona sighed. She knew she couldn't run from things forever. It looked like her demons had finally caught up with her. She had nowhere else to run. She was trapped.

"Calliope. You need to leave. It's late." Arizona moved to step past Callie, but was stopped by a hand on her arm.

"Arizona! If you're breaking up with me have the decency to tell me. I've been dying the last few days wondering what went wrong, what happened. I've tried to get you to talk to me, but you've just shut me out. I've questioned and re-questioned myself to the point that I feel like I'm going crazy."

"Calliope-"

"I love you. I-I didn't think I could be so happy. You found me, Ari. You made me whole. I was yours. I am yours. Now, you're just wanting to break up with me after mind blowingly awesome sex and for what!"

"Calliope, there are things about me that you don't understand. Things that-"

"Help me to understand, Arizona! How am I supposed to understand anything if you shut me out of everything?"

"I can't do this. I'm tired and I...please, Calliope, just go home." Arizona pulled her arm free from Callie's grip and stepped around her. She paused briefly behind her couch when she noticed the pictures still sitting on the coffee table and on the surrounding floor.

Callie followed her gaze and bent down to pick up a photo lying at her feet. The woman in the picture was unbelievably beautiful. Her brown hair was pulled up in a high ponytail that showed off her stunning features. Green eyes were light with laughter and the woman's arms were held tightly around another woman who Callie knew all too well.

She looked at the two women in the photograph and felt her throat constrict painfully. They were happy. They were in love. The happiness was mirrored in both of their smiles. Callie thought the green eyed woman's smile was a little too perfect, but she dismissed the point as moot.

"Calliope" Arizona's voice seemed to come to her from far away. She looked up and realized that the blonde was standing in front of her, effectively blocking her view of the other pictures behind her.

"So, this is it huh? You've met someone else? How long-" her voice caught in her throat as she fought to keep her voice steady. "How long have you been-"

"Calliope, let me explain."

"Explain what, Arizona? Explain how you lied to me? How you used me? Cheated on me? God, how could you do something like that after what I went through with George?" She couldn't seem to make the situation real. Her mind was reeling. She'd thought she could handle any explanation, but not this one. Not this one.

She took a step away from Arizona and looked back down at the photo in her right hand.

"Calliope-"

"You found me, Ari. You helped me find myself. I thought you were my one and only. You were supposed to be different. I wish I could hate you...that-that this d-d-didn't hurt so much." Her tears were falling freely and she found that it was becoming increasingly difficult to speak. Arizona moved closer to her, but she took another step back.

"Don't." She took a deep, shuddering breath before continuing. "Who is she? Terri? Hannah? How many do you have, anyways? Does Terri know about Hannah? Does Hannah know about Terri? God, who are you?"

"You know nothing" Arizona said in a low voice. Her eyes were staring at Callie with an almost deadly intent. "You understand nothing, Callie."

"Then, enlighten me, Arizona. "

"I...I can't." The blonde said as she turned her back on the other woman to try and regain her composure.

She heard Callie let out a low laugh. "How fucking convenient for you. Maybe I just need to call this Terri or Hannah and tell them about each other. Maybe then I'd get some answers from you. You never tell me anything-"

"Shut up-" the blonde said vehemently as she turned back around to face Callie.

"Then TELL ME, Arizona. Who is Terri? Who is Hannah?" The blonde came up to her so fast, Callie wasn't even sure if she had seen her move. She was in her face and breathing heavily.

"You want to know who they are? You want to know who Hannah is?"

"YES!" Callie yelled.

The blonde stepped back and looked into the dark haired woman's eyes. Her hands were steepled together in front of her face while her fingers were pressed into her top lip. Callie noticed that Arizona was shaking. Her hands were trembling and she was pacing a short path in front of her.

The blonde removed her hands from in front of her face and they came to rest on her hips. She continued to stare at Callie.

"I love you." she said softly. "You are my reason for existing. You're my sanity, Calliope. I'm...fragmented without you. I'm-I-I'm not me when I'm not with you. I'm not able to function in your absence."

"Ari-"

"You want to know who Terri is? Who H-hannah is? Fine, but you will not stand there and doubt that I'm in love with you. You'll not come into my apartment at two in the morning and accuse me of cheating on you. You don't get to attack me because you know nothing, Calliope. You know nothing. But, you will."

She turned around and picked up a picture from the coffee table. She looked at it for long moments before turning around and handing the picture to Callie.

Callie didn't know what to think. Somehow, this conversation had gotten out of her control. Somehow, she'd stepped into something more painful for the blonde than she'd suspected.

She gingerly took the proffered picture and looked down at it. The same green eyed woman was in this photo as had been in the one she'd seen earlier. Her hair was down and fell about her shoulders in lush waves. She was holding a small girl who looked to be two to three years of age. The girl made Callie do a double take. She had light brown hair and amazing light blue eyes. She was smiling widely at the camera and Callie could see dimples on her rosy cheeks.

At first, Callie thought she was looking at a picture of a young Arizona, but she quickly dismissed that idea. That was impossible. Arizona didn't have brown hair and there was no way the woman in the photo could look the same in both pictures.

Arizona watched Callie and the emotions that flittered across her beautiful face. She could tell the other woman was trying to make sense of what she was seeing. She was trying to figure out who the two people in the picture were and how they fit into everything else.

"The woman is Terri. She's my ex. I was with her for a long time before I met you."

Callie looked up from where her gaze had been on the photo and met Arizona's eyes. They were pained. Haunted. Scared.

"Who's the little girl, Ari?" she asked softly. She suspected the answer, but she needed the blonde to confirm it. She felt as if she'd be sick.

Arizona wrapped her arms around herself and let out a deep breath. She closed her eyes for a moment before opening them to look at Callie.

"That's Hannah. She is...she was my daughter."

Callie heard herself make a sound deep in the back of her throat.