Omg hi sorry it took some time to update and stuff, still doesn't really feel right but yeah okay, well, here you go
"Dean, can I come in ?"
Sam asked as he slipped his head through Dean's bedroom door with his puppy dog eyes. Dean had never been able to deny his brother's deadly weapon, and Sam knew that, he might be able to make him talk if he used them properly.
"Sure Sammy. What do you want ?"
"Uh, nothing, I just wanted to know how you were doing"
Sam sais hesitantly, he had to choose his words carefully, if he didn't, he'd be thrown out with a foot up his ass of his sibling's room in a second.
Dean rolled his eyes, would the little brat ever understand Dean wasn't the talking about feelings type ? He sighed heavily, getting in defense mode, ready to kick Sam out.
"I'm just fine Sammy. But I have homework to do, so if you could just... leave"
Well, obviously the puppy eyes didn't work. How was Sam even supposed to work with Dean when all he did was run away all the time. Well he wasn't going to have it today and he won't leave until that fucker gives him real answers because Sam's getting tired of Dean sulking around all day doing nothing. This train wreck wasn't his brother and you can be damn sure he's going to break all the walls Dean has built up during all those years and is going to put him back together because clearly no one else is planning on doing it, not even Dean.
"Seriously Dean ? You could at least try to find a better excuse, I know you never do your homework and have shit grades. I'm not leaving until you tell me what the hell is going on."
Dean was a bit taken aback about his brother's straight forwardness, he usually let go after the first attempt.
"Hey Samantha, calm down. I don't know what you're talking about, nothing's going on."
Sam granted Dean of one of is best bitchfaces, how could he say that ? How could he deny so easily he was broken ? God damn it, why didn't he want to talk.
"Don't bullshit me Dean ! I know something's not right, you've spent all your free time in your room. You're evidently not in there studying. When you're not in your room you're in your car going god know's where and, if I'm not wrong, you haven't slept with anyone since Castiel left. And Should I even start about the teddy bear ?! We know about it Dean."
Dean's face slightly twitched, Sam saw it. Bingo, he'd been right all along.
Dean turned his face into a smirk and he bared his teeth, like he was going to eat Sam in one bite. Sam wasn't going to get away with this.
"Sam, what makes you think I haven't had sex with anyone ? Since when do you even care about my sexcapades, last time you told me I was an unsensitive swine. And what does Cas have to do with me not getting any ? Can't a guy take a break once in a while without having his annoying brother bothering him ? And no, don't even start about the teddy bear if you care about your life."
"Dude, I'm your brother, I KNOW you haven't been having sex because you would never have sex in the Impala, you love her too much for that, I'm pretty sure it's impossible to have sex in the school. So that just leaves one place, and it's here. Lately no girl has been here for more than 5 minutes and when they leave I'm pretty sure they don't look satisfied, which has never happened before the Novak's came here, and I doubt it's because of Anna or Gabe because you've made it clear they're not you favorite persons in the world. Everyone knows that Castiel and you have some special bond and we saw how happy you were around him, he has definitely affected you in some... way, I just don't know how yet and that's what I'm here to figure out. And sure Dean, take a break whenever you want, but a break isn't supposed to last half a year."
Just then, Dean's face completely dropped, he was staring blankly at Sam, so well that Sam even wondered if he might have broken his brother, if it was even possible to break him even more in the state he already was in. Dean stayed silent for a few minutes and Sam was starting to feel uncomfortable, maybe even a little bit guilty.
"Look Sam."
Dean started slowly.
"What I do is none of your business and if you-"
"Yes Dean, it's my business, I'm your god damn brother Dean ! We're worried sick about you, I'm worried ! And it's never been this bad since mom-"
"Sammy shut the fuck up ! Don't you even dare go there, Dean snapped, don't fucking talk about her ! How could you even bring her up like that ? How dare you ! She was my whole fucking world, and she's dead, she's fucking dead. It was my fault. It wasn't as bad for you as it was for me. You didn't have a younger brother to look after, Dad never told you you were useless and a disgrace to this family, you never had to pick him up from the floor when he was drenched in his own vomit. You never had to clean him off or pick up all the bottles of alcohol from the floor. You didn't see your hero turn into a monster. It was easy for you. You forgot, you moved on. You didn't have to grow up too soon, you got to be a teenager while I had to be an adult, for both of us."
Dean screamed out. His throat was sore because of the yelling and because he wanted to cry. He wanted to lay down on the floor and cry. But he didn't. He had to stay strong, what would Sammy think of him if he broke down, he wasn't a pussy, he was strong and he wasn't going to cry like baby. It was the first time he actually said out loud how he felt about his parents death.
"How can you think it was easy for me ?! How can you ?! She was my mother too you know, I also loved her, she was also my whole world. You weren't the only one that suffered. Yeah sure, you had to take care of me but I was still there when Dad was drunk, he hit me too Dean ! What fucking makes you think I didn't have to grow up ? God Dean you weren't in my head, you know nothing about what I felt when they died. I didn't just forget or moved on, I mourned. Like everyone should when someone close to them dies, like you should have. It doesn't stop me from thinking of her every damn day. I still cry at night thinking about her, I still have nightmares about it. Pull your fucking head out of your ass and stop thinking YOU were the only one to get hurt in that story. For God's sake Dean."
Hot tears were trailing down Sam's red face. Dean didn't say a thing. Sam had obviously failed.
"Look Dean, Sam said, if you don't want to talk to me about it, fine, but I just think you'd feel better if you did, hell, you can even talk to someone else if you want. You just need to stop doing this to yourself, try enjoying life for once, nothing good is going to happen to you if you stay negative like this all the time, and it doesn't mean you have to forget her, it just means you need to accept that she's gone, John didn't, and look at what happened."
Sam waited a minute or 2 to make sure Dean wasn't going to say anything.
"OH and Dean, we're going to the Novak's in 2 weeks, thought you'd like to know you'd be seeing your boyfriend again."
Sam said with a little playful smile hanging on his lips. He looked one last time at Dean and left the room.
"He's not my boyfriend"
Dean mumbled to himself as he finally let his tears roll down his cheeks.
Unfortunately Sam was right.
Not about Cas being his boyfriend of course.
But about the fact that he wasn't the only one that had suffered from their parent's death. He had to stop being a self-centered bitch and start dealing with his feelings so he could finally move on after all these years. He knew it'd probably be hard, long and painful but he had to do it, even if he had no idea how to start. It's always easy to say you need to change but how does one change his personality ? Yet it was the thing he wanted more than anything, he wanted to be able to be happy and carefree again. Except he had no idea how to be positive, but he was going to do it, if not for him, for Sam.
Most important of all, he was going to see Cas again, just the thought of seeing his beautiful eyes again made his stomach flutter.
Maybe Cas was the one he had to talk about this to, maybe he'd understand since he's been through something similar. He was obviously happier around him, so why the hell not ? The downside of course would be that ranting isn't very manly or attractive, he didn't want Cas to see his vulnerability but he couldn't deny he was the person he felt the most comfortable with.
so them going to the Novak's isn't my idea, it's from shellydiann, she told me and i thought it was an awesome idea so voila, it might take some more time for the next chapter to go out but yes
