Eli had only been this upset with himself once before in his life, and that really wasn't a memory he was willing to rehash. He had replayed the kiss over and over in his head and still couldn't seem to find the reason for his actions. Here this girl was, yelling at him for some idiotic thing he'd done and he used the moment to kiss her. A kiss, which to him had come from out of nowhere. And the way she'd reacted… he could still feel the sting of her hand against the skin of his cheek. To be honest, he'd rather she had punched him with all her might, leaving a bruise to remind him of how foolish he was. How had he let things get so far? How had he let this girl affect him in such a substantial way? He'd spent his time pushing people away to avoid feelings like these. He wanted to be alone. He couldn't accept the fact that he needed anyone because he couldn't be that for someone else. He refused to be that for someone else. Not again. He was alone, and that's how he wanted things to stay. And yet, why couldn't he stop himself from wanting to be around her? No matter how much he wanted her gone, he always found himself thinking of her when his mind wandered. His mind. His biggest enemy. It had always been that way, and he knew this as a fact. What did you do when you couldn't even trust your mind? Now there was another thing in it he was running from, and he felt physically and mentally tired from doing so. So he continued to do as he did. Filling his body full of chemicals that would help him forget. Savoring the high that floated him through the day without a care. He wasn't willing to let the feelings he so desperately wanted to push away attack him in anyway. More liquid. More Pills. More smoke. Steadily he was becoming a shell of the person he once knew, and the worst part was that he didn't care. He spent his days doing as he had before Clare had even come into his life. The couch in the small, loud, smoke filled house had become his best friend. Spending night after night there with people he didn't know, putting things into his system that were a mystery to him half the time. And he spent his days doing the one thing he knew he had to. Avoiding Clare. Class was like hell for him. She sat not far from him and half the time he contemplated ditching it completely. But ever since he was young he'd loved English. It was the only thing that kept him happy through the years. It was the only thing he'd brought into this life from the one he'd lived before. The one thing that reminded him of who he was. The thing that upset him the most, was that he felt the need to not attend his favorite class. The fact that this girl had such a curse over him that he didn't even want to show up pissed him off completely. But he knew. He knew the moment he stepped into that room and his eyes met with her thrilling blue ones, that his defenses would fall. But he did it. He made his way, avoiding contact with her presence altogether. He wasn't going to let her ruin the one thing that lightened him even remotely in his life. Though in the back of his mind, it pained him to think that she was avoiding him too. She hadn't spoken to him, pestered him or tried to push her way into his day once. Not like she had before. And it upset him thinking that he'd ruined something that never even started. But this is what he had wanted. To be alone. No one but himself. Isolated.

These dark crimson thoughts

Dripping from my mind like blood

Staining the world red

He stared down on the words he'd etched roughly into his notebook, glaring hard at them as he sat in class. He couldn't remembered putting them there, but the page was new so it had to have been recent. It was strange, but the fact that he couldn't remember when he'd done it pleased him. He was forgetting moments, losing track of time and spaces in his day. It thrilled him, though he knew it was probably having more of a negative effect on his body, that parts of his life were falling away like lost puzzle pieces. He'd been staring at the words of the dark haiku for so long that before he knew it, the bell was ringing and it was time to leave. The loud buzz signaling the end of class alarmed him, echoing through his head like it was being played on repeat and his body jumped suddenly, knocking the papers from his desk.

"Shit." he mumbled quietly as he leaned down almost in slow motion to pick them up, but as soon as he went to grab the paper, soft delicate fingers came into view and lifted it from the floor. He knew who it was before he even lifted his head. Their eyes met and he felt a blaze radiate through his chest. He felt stuck, watching as Clare held the paper out to him, the look on her face blank. He swallowed hard, feeling trapped in her gaze. Until she blinked, and finally he was able to pull himself away. He stood up, placed his backpack over his shoulder and yanked the paper from her, turning without saying a word as he left the classroom.


A set back. Her eyes, the way they struck him, enabling him to move with one simple gaze. It bothered him more than it should have. And though he didn't want to admit it, it sort of bothered him that she'd given up on trying so easily. He'd expected a fight out of her. In the short time that he knew her, she had been so persistent. Did some stupid kiss really change everything? He wasn't exactly surprised though. Eventually, everyone left. It was a way of life. A path on repeat. A continuous circle. The pain of being alone had turned cold in his veins, numbing him of any feeling. He savored it, feeling like ice as he moved through his everyday life. He'd grown to hate the person he'd become, but though this stranger was unknown, it was him. He felt nothing and everything, all at the same time. But when he was around Clare, whether in her presence, looking into her eyes or arguing with her, it felt as if the ice in his veins was slowly melting and everything around him became clear. He hadn't decided yet whether or not he enjoyed this, or feared it.

And yet, she had given up. Though he didn't blame her, it was still a sense of rejection that his mind couldn't shut out. The monster inside of him always won, pushing the people around him away, and he'd grown to enjoyed it that way. He'd convinced himself of that so often that it had grown to be a fact to him. The last time he'd let himself become close to someone, he lost them. What was the point of allowing yourself to get attached when everyone leaves in the end? Anyone could be gone in a second. There's no time line and they could be taken from you in a second. Just like Julia. She was there, and then she was gone without any sort of warning. And then he was alone.


(Pretty much just a filler chapter since I haven't updated lately haha. Hope you like it anyways.)