Her insides knotted; the plastic applicator sat forebodingly on the bathroom sink, the small screen indicating two blue lines – positive. Pressing her head into the cool tiles, she clenched her stomach, willing herself to control her insides; her mouth felt dry, her throat felt raw, her eyes stung from crying and she wasn't sure how long she'd last without vomiting.

Disbelief shrouded her; she couldn't… wasn't…. not possible.

She was too young, just 17; she had her entire life ahead of her, including parties, careers, Severus, not to mention that article she was working on for the Daily Prophet. A wave of resentment overcame her and her insides reared like a daemon. She felt hatred, pure loathing and the need to exert her revenge.

Many thoughts shifted through her mind, and sliding down the wall she curled herself into the foetal position. Her chin wobbled against her knees; hot silent tears streamed down her cheeks and the tightening in her chest started all over again.

She was pregnant. She was carrying the child of a monster, a drug fuelled beast that had no idea what he'd done.

Excuses came to mind. What would she say, how would she say it? She had told Liza and Elisha it had been some stranger from home, a nobody – little did they know; how could she tell them the truth, it was rape, she was raped.

She couldn't… wouldn't.

The story stuck – it was a stranger from home. Then she remembered Severus and another wave of nausea overcame her. How would she tell him? What could she tell him? She couldn't tell him it was Potter, there was no option there; his most hated enemy, the one person he would wish the worst upon, do the worst to. Telling him it was his baby would work, but for how long? What would happen when the child came and looked nothing like him?

She could get rid of it; those thoughts surfaced eventually and rooted in her mind. She could get the baby… foetus… taken from her body over midterm, pretend it never happened and come back and push the past where it belonged.

"Lily?"

She jumped, scrambling to her feet and knocking the positive test across the bathroom. The two blue lines glared mockingly back from beneath a bathroom stall. Kneading the palms of her hands into her eyes, she scrubbed away what tears she could.

"Lily don't make me come in," Severus called from behind the door, "If I risk another detention with McGonagall, she'll have me hung, drawn and quartered."

"I'm coming," she called back, running the tap, "Just freshening up."

"Well I'm waiting, so hurry," he yelled back.

Straightening her skirt, she examined her reflection; a pale, almost sickly looking girl stared back. She applied some lip gloss, a desperate attempt to bring some life back into her dead face.

"You alright?" he asked her when she emerged, awkwardly shifting her bag across her stomach.

She felt the uncontrollable need to shield her stomach from him, to hide the growing human within.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she managed to smile, forcing her lips to curl upwards, "Just woman issues."

"Too much!" he gasped, "Holding up a hand and shaking his head. "I've astronomy later on tonight; will I see you in the tower?"

She cringed inwardly, struggling to look happy at the prospect of seeing him alone; but inside she wanted to curl into her pathetic ball and wallow.

"Same time, same place," she said, giving him thumbs up.

He eyed her oddly, shaking his head and giving her a silent wink. She watched him walk away down the corridor, his heels clicking for some distance before he disappeared into the oncoming crowd. It took everything in her not to disappear back into the bathroom; she fought wither legs, desperate to turn around but determined to carry on.

Making her way to the library, she tried to evaluate her position. She knew nothing about pregnancy, babies, or owning one. She felt lost and alone, hurt by what she had been put through and devastated that it couldn't have ended in that dark corridor; that it had to continue into something much worse.

She thought once more of her options: keep the baby and pin it on Severus, or get rid of the baby and get on with her life. Somewhere within her a little longing began to kindle; somewhere deep down she felt a spark of joy ignite – a stupid feeling, she knew.

She had become so comfortable in her thoughts that she had not heard the sound of someone clearing their throat behind her. It wasn't until she felt a hand on her shoulder, did she jump, a small sound escaping her lips.

"Sorry!" he gasped, raising his hands in defence.

She turned, her stomach flipping and her heart racing – James. He was holding a textbook in his hands, something to do with dragons and he looked unkempt and worn. Black rims circled his eyes and his cheeks looked sullen; his complexion was pasty and he stood somewhat more defeated than normal.

"What?" she found herself snapping. She hadn't realised her fist clenched around her quill, bending it at an angle.

"Easy," he said, huffing slightly, "Just coming over for a chat."

"I see," she replied, "Well I'm busy, as you can see."

His eyes scanned the tidy desk before her, which showed little in its way of a productive and busy NEWT student. He shrugged, leaning one hand on the back of her chair; she instinctively recoiled. Sensing her discomfort he stood up straight, dropping his hands.

"So look, I've noticed things between you and I," he said, rubbing his fingers through his hair. His hand came to rest on the back of his neck. "I don't know what your problem is-"

"My problem?" she quipped, raising her brow. "There's nothing strained between you and me, Potter. I don't know where you got the illusion from that we're friends, but you can quickly erase it."

"Oh for fuck's sake," he snapped, taking a step back. "Do you always have to be so hostile?"

"Haven't you got some plants to smoke?" she snapped, turning her back on him.

She heard him growl and for a moment she tensed, expecting a blow or a rough hand on her arm. When it didn't come, she looked sideways; he had disappeared behind a shelf and she could just see the back of his robe flicker as he stormed from the room.

Dropping her head into the palms of her hands, Lily sighed deeply. Another wave of tears stung her eyes and she inhaled before they could escape. Straightening up, she composed herself and grabbed a text book; she was further behind in charms and needed to catch up.


She was unsure of how long she had sat in the library, her mind had vaguely wondered from the text; and in the three hours un-knows to her, the library had slowly died down. When she finally did look up, it was quarter past 8 and Madam Pince was bustling between tables; her tongue clicking with annoyance as she picked up empty chocolate frog boxes and broken quills.

"Time to go, Ms Evans," she tutted, clicking her tongue, "This isn't a babysitting service, you know?"

Groaning silently, Lily grabbed her books and dragged them from the room. Settling them untidily on a window ledge outside the library, almost purposely banging them down to irritate the librarian, Lily took a moment to think. But for some unusual reason her mind seemed calm; no thoughts came to the front, she felt relaxed and ready to take the world on.

Relishing the moment, she packed her things away silently. Something made her stop; in the distance she heard small movements; light pattering, but quick paced. It came closer and she felt nervous. She found herself jamming things into her bag quicker than before; a mild panic overcoming her.

"Damn!" a voice cried.

She recognised the innocent profanities as being from Remus Lupin, and surely he rounded the corner, his hair tossed and wild on his head. He halted outside the library door, turning the knob noisily and peering through the windows.

"Closed," Lily stated, dumbfound at the state in which the usual composed Remus was. "She chucked me out about 5 minutes ago."

"Shit," Remus muttered, giving up and leaning against the door, "I left my lunar chart in there. My essay is due tomorrow."

"You can borrow mine," Lily said, pulling it from beneath her stack of papers.

He accepted it, casting a grateful look at her. Pocketing the small chart, he stared silently at her. His face was a picture of frustration and anxiety. Lily raised an eyebrow, looking quizzically back at him.

"Remus?"

"I saw you yesterday," he admitted, an almost guilty tone to his voice.

"What?" she asked, her voice a little higher than usual. Had he seen them?

"I saw you in the chemist. I saw you… getting it."

She recoiled, her face a picture of guilt and embarrassment. She felt shame and guilt, her face brightening and her stomach feeling queasy. A stream of stutters flowed from her mouth, nothing making sense. He graciously saved her, raising both hands and shaking his head.

"Look, Lily," he began, "Whatever's going on is none of my business. I mean, you're your own person. Granted, I didn't expect this from you of all people, but shit happens, right? I just want you to know that I'm happy for you."

"What?" she blurted. She felt stupid, standing there with a stream of illiterate vowels and consonants streaming from her mouth. She was pregnant, he knew and he was happy for her?

"I'm happy for you," he repeated. "I know it's probably not what you wanted right now but hey, it's not as if you're the first; and you certainly won't be the last."

"Remus, you can't tell anyone. Please," she pleaded, finding her voice. She found herself clutching his arm, unaware of the tight grip on his wrist.

"I won't tell anyone, you have my word. We've got something in common now," he said, smiling at her.

"What do you mean?" she asked, hesitant to leave his arm go.

"We've both got these secrets. We're like each other's secret-keepers," he told her, running the front of his robe, behind which Lily knew was a maze of scars he acquired at full moons.

She felt a little inflated at his words, and felt somewhat better. For the first time in a long time she felt that the pressure and stress had been relieved, like someone knew and could help. Remus didn't know the entire deadly deed, but he knew what Lily considered to be the worst part and he was willing to keep it a secret, to help her.

"Well I've to go," he said, patting his pocket where her lunar chart was. "Essays to bullshit and sleep to lose."

She smiled, genuinely. "Good luck," she said, "And thanks."

"Anytime," he replied, before hurrying down the corridor.


That night Lily found herself wrapped in the arms of Severus. They perched on their usual window sill, admiring the winter moon. Her breaths came in deep, slow and peaceful movements; the cold air coming out in smoky clouds. His hands rested innocently on her stomach, little did he know, she thought.


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