Benjamin stumbled toward the light of day with Gwendolyn's sweaty meat paw in his grasp. I think zombies had been following them or something a few pages ago. I'm not sure any longer because I have stopped caring. You know what, dinosaurs are much better than zombies. Let's go with that. And there was like a helicopter or something. LET US ASSUME IT CRASHED.

So Ben and Gwen were being chased by zombified velociraptors who had been forsaken by the great Raptor Jesus and had since decided to take vengeance upon the small upright beings known as humans.
And their gaping razor toothed maws were inching ever closer, gasp! They had been summoned by Sephiroth because he can do shit like that and he think it's funny.

"Ben," Gwen cried out in torment and woe. "We're going to die!"

Ben said nothing in response because he was too busy wondering where the hell the plot had escaped to. Deep down inside, he knew it was never really there but kept on denying.

Then the raptors got bigger and turned into their ultra raptor fursonas which had pointy spike hair and fancy rainbow colors and leg warmers and tentacles and jewlery and fishnets and magic wings and tiger stripes and neon lights and were very kawaii just like on deviantArt. Only they never are.

Sephiroth strode up with silvery hair flowing and leather coat flapping and shiny metal things he has glinting in the pale moonlight of destiny.

"Ha ha, you fools. I've got you now!" said Sephiroth sexily. "You can't escape from my SparkleRaptor zombies!"

But Ben challenged that declaration and pulled out his trump card:a package of unidentifiable beers.

He threw the package of Ultimate Power toward the not-horizon, and suddenly from the sky came a shattering crash of reality breaking and a light shone from the heavens themselves and a form appeared within that light and it was

DUKE NUKEM

and he grabbed the beers and chugged them all like a BOSS and then said

"Take your tentacles back to Japan, you weeaboos!" and he kicked all of the zombie sparkle raptors in the face. AT THE SAME TIME. And they exploded. Into sparkles. Just like in real life!

"Aw, hell no," muttered Sephirosu, pained by the damaging explosionness of his mighty and unnecessary raptor army.

He raised up his fearsome Masamune and slashed with enough force to tear the world in twain, but he just hit some big fat cosplayer who was trying to get a photo of him because they did not know he was the real deal. Nobody grieved for the loss of the sweaty, stinking manchild. Especially once they saw his convention carry bag was full of underaged Lolicon hentai. OH, CLAMP. You scoundrels.

Gwen turned and cried sadly toward her not lover Ben, wishing he was Kevin but Kevin or some Kevin like figure died previously. I think.

"I used to know a girl. She had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it. And raped her. She ended up at a hospital on Fake Sounding Name Street," murmured Gwen.

"Ha ha ha. What a story, Gwen," said Ben. Then he punched her.

But suddenly in a horrible and unexpected plot twist, the test results came back and Gwen definitely got breast cancer.

The revelation was softened by Ben ordering a pizza. But would it get there in time? And would Duke eat it all and leave none for anyone else but then not chip in a single dime? Only time will tell.

Also, me. But not now. I have to eat a bag of chocolates.

ANGST!