Chapter 8

Bellamy is here! It was the only thing that kept running through Clarke's head. He's here with his girlfriend! Her little voice kept throwing back in her face. He'd come after her. Clarke hadn't known where she was going but after all this time he still seemed to know her better than she knew herself. Doesn't matter how well he knows you, he doesn't feel the same for you as you feel for him!

Clarke wished she could listen to that voice in her head. The reasonable one. The one that told her that she needed to stop focusing on the fact that Bellamy had come after her and drill it through her head that he was with Echo. No matter what she felt for him, he had moved on. You need to do the same.

But she just couldn't. All she could see was the way his face had lit up when he'd seen her. And the shadow that had covered it when it came to Octavia. How could she help him? She just didn't know what to do. It was like nothing had changed. All Bellamy had ever wanted was for his sister to love him and accept him for who he was but just as before, all Octavia did was blame him for all the wrongs that happened in her life. How about taking on some of the blame for how your life is, Octavia?

Maybe she needed to go talk to him. Clarke knew Bellamy hadn't just given up on Octavia, he could never do that. He had just given in. Octavia was throwing her power around and Bellamy didn't have the strength to handle it at the moment. It must be hard on him. Clarke had only been thinking of herself these past few days. How much it hurt to see him with another woman. How it was her responsibility alone to care for Madi. What could she do to keep herself and Madi safe? How much her life had changed. Bellamy had had a lot to deal with as well and Clarke hadn't taken that into consideration. How strange it must for him to see the change in his sister. How hard was it keeping 7 people alive up in space? How lonely was it making the right decisions for everyone?

Clarke couldn't blame Bellamy for moving on. She didn't blame him. And it wasn't as if she hadn't considered the possibility that he would be involved with someone else. The unexpected thing had been how much it had actually affected her. The jealously was something that she hadn't contended with. Jealously had never really been an issue for her. There was never anything anyone ever had that she ever wanted. Until now. Being jealous of Echo would have been something laughable not too long ago. But now, she had something Clarke didn't.

"Hey Clarke!" Madi's sudden exclamation as she came inside the house made Clarke jump. Madi came over to where Clarke was working and put her hands palms down on the desk. Clarke reached out and squeezed one of Madi's hands.

"What are you up to?" Clarke asked her.

"Nothing really," Madi said nonchalantly. Clarke squinted an eye at her.

"Madi?"

"Weeelll" Madi drew the word out. Clarke raised her eyebrows at the all too familiar way Madi was getting around to asking her something that Clarke wouldn't exactly be thrilled with. In the past it had included requests like learning to drive the rover, scaling the cliff by the lake, and hunting bear in the caves.

"Bellamy said he wants to go hunting. He said he missed it while he was up on the Ark and he needs something to take his mind off of everything. I told him about the deer in our hunting grounds and he wants to check it out."

"Ok," Clarke said, waiting for the rest.

"Can I go with him?"

Clarke started to shake her head. "Madi, I don't think-"

"Please Clarke! You told me so much about how good he is and I just want to see how he does it," Madi begged. Clarke smiled. Madi hadn't had anyone else but her for so long that she couldn't fault her for wanting to be around other people. She was pretty certain that Madi wasn't as interested in seeing Bellamy hunt as she was just to be around someone else. She knew Madi loved her but she also knew that there was an air of mystery about Bellamy and the others, who she'd only known through stories. When you heard all about someone, you wanted to know if the stories matched the actual person.

Clarke had her memories of all of her friends. Madi only had stories. Even though Clarke had drawn everyone for Madi, it was still completely different to have these living, breathing beings from the stories standing before her. The time alone had been difficult on Madi. There had been no children to play with. No adults other than Clarke to lean on and learn from. No one to tell her stories from a different perspective. Of course Madi was curious about Bellamy. Was hunting really the best way to start their relationship though?

"Please?" Madi said again. If there was anyone else other than Clarke that Madi would be safe with, it would be Bellamy. Clarke closed her eyes for a moment and sighed. Madi threw her arms around her, knowing that was a yes. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Madi turned to run out.

"Madi!" Madi stopped and turned back to her. "Only the near hunting grounds, nothing out by the borders," Clarke warned.

Madi nodded and bounded out the door. Clarke smiled at her enthusiasm. She felt kind of sorry for Bellamy. Once Madi got going, she could talk your ear off. It would be good for her to go have some fun before the real trouble began. She'd never gotten to have much of a childhood and it looked like that wasn't about to change any time soon. Besides, maybe some time with Madi was exactly what Bellamy needed right now.

Focusing on her work seemed fruitless. Abby was in the med bay on the ship. It was only a small area compared to the ship still out in space but it was better equipped than anything Clarke had at her place. Clarke wanted to go see Abby but held back. Having her mother back was a blessing and yet, Clarke also knew there was a problem with her. Talking to Kane hadn't given her many answers. Neither one of them would talk about what happened in the bunker. Whatever it had been, it had broken Abby. Abby was devoted to her work, not feeling forced to help any longer now that Clarke was safe with her. The work seemed to overtake her at times, keeping her going all day until she would crash at night. The cold sweats, the shaking, the stammered and slurred words. Clarke recognized all the signs of addiction. Abby had insisted that she was fine and could handle it. There had been bound to be some people who wouldn't handle the confinement in the bunker well but having lived on the Ark her entire life, Abby was not someone Clarke would have lumped into that category. Steeling herself to take another shot at talking to Abby, Clarke stood up.

"Hey!" Raven exclaimed, as she came through the door without knocking. Again Clarke chided herself for jumping. Why was she so jumpy today?

Clarke smiled at her friend, remembering their happy reunion. Shaw had brought Raven to them on the deck, having removed her shock collar. Raven had been a bit startled to see them all standing there, her eyes widening at the sight of Clarke. Raven had run to Clarke, throwing her arms around her and squeezing so tightly it almost cut off Clarke's air supply. Through laughter and tears Raven had thanked Clarke again for saving their lives. Over the past few days Raven had told her about what had happened on the ring, how they had all worked together. That she'd taken Emori under her wing and taught her what she knew. Monty had been in charge of keeping their food going. Echo had taught everyone to fight. Harper had acted as sort of a counselor for the group. Bellamy had become the leader and had held everyone together. And Murphy just hadn't been able to find something he felt useful at and had withdrawn from the group more as time went by.

Clarke hadn't asked about Echo and Bellamy's relationship and Raven hadn't offered any details, for which she was thankful. Having to imagine how they had gotten closer was bad enough but knowing it and seeing it in her head would have been worse.

"What's up?" Clarke asked her.

"Oh I just wanted to see how you were doing…you know, with Bellamy back here."

"I'm fine," Clarke said, almost phrasing it as a question.

Raven nodded. "Ok."

"Really Raven," Clarke said.

"Oh come on Clarke!" Raven exclaimed. "I remember how the two of you would low-key flirt with each other back then. It was so subtle that no one ever paid any attention to it but I saw how you would watch him sometimes. And how he couldn't take his eyes off of you most times. I'm surprised you guys never jumped each other's bones before."

"Raven!"

Raven laughed. "I'm just telling it like it is."

"Yeah well, it isn't that way."

Raven smirked. "Isn't it? I see how your eyes change when he's brought up. You take in every detail I tell you about him when we were up on the ring. So what is going on?"

Raven was the only one who didn't feel different. Everyone had changed so much in the time since Clarke had seen them but Raven had remained the same. Raven remained the voice of reason and she was just there. Over the past few days, she'd been there more for Clarke than anyone else had. They'd had their ups and downs in the past but they'd become friends, not something Clarke had thought possible after everything that had happened with Finn. Now here they were, all these years later and Raven felt like the only person she could talk to. Realizing how much Raven's friendship meant to her made tears suddenly spring to Clarke's eyes. She blinked several times before meeting Raven's gaze.

"It doesn't matter," Clarke shrugged. "Too much has changed."

"You mean Echo, right?" Clarke figured Raven would be able to read her and nodded. "You know Bellamy doesn't love her."

"Of course he loves her."

"Ok he loves her, but not any more than he loves me or Monty." Raven sighed as she looked at Clarke's drawn face. "Bellamy told me about the conversation you guys had before we left. About how he needed to use his head as much as his heart to help us all survive. He thought about your words every day because every day, he made the smart decisions, not just the ones that felt right. He thought you were dead but he lived for you. So that your sacrifice wouldn't be in vain."

"Good, I'm glad he listened for once," Clarke laughed.

"When you spend so much time with the people around you, you start to love them, no matter how much they may annoy you at times." Raven paused for a moment and Clarke was fairly certain she was thinking of Murphy. "They become your family and you do anything for your family. I know you know that because I know how you feel about Madi. Just because Echo was there for Bellamy, doesn't mean that he's in love with her."

"Well whether he's in love with her or just loves her, he's still with her. And I can't get in the way of his happiness."

"He hasn't been happy since we left you behind. He's put on a good show, don't get me wrong. But he's like you. Doesn't let others see what's really going on inside his head. He doesn't want to burden people with how he's doing. So he keeps it inside and continues playing the role expected of him. There have been times when I've seen a glimmer of happiness in him, but nothing like that spark I saw in him earlier when I talked to him. There is light in his eyes again."

"I would find happiness being back on Earth again too," Clarke said as way of explanation for the "spark" Raven mentioned.

"You two are really exactly the same. Why is it so hard for you to grasp that people see the good in you? You two are always so concerned about everyone else that you never take a moment to think about what you want."

If Raven only knew how selfish Clarke had been feeling lately she wouldn't be saying that. Clarke felt like the only thing she'd done lately was to think of herself. Of her own needs and wants.

Raven continued. "Everyone else always comes first. Like now, you only want Bellamy to be happy and for you that means he should be with Echo. And he's thinking that having everyone back is overwhelming for you so he's keeping some distance from you. Neither one of you is talking to the other about what's going on in your hearts."

Clarke didn't really know what to say. A part of what Raven was saying was true. Her happiness didn't mean nearly as much as Bellamy's or Madi's because if they weren't happy, then she wasn't happy. Raven put her arm around Clarke's shoulder. "I love you," she said, "but I think you need to need to take a bit of your own advice. You've always used your head to make decisions, maybe you need to start using your heart a little more."