Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns Twilight and probably the box of Sees candy I'm snacking on.

Thanks to my pre-reader, deb24601, and my beta, rinabina. Words can't express your continued enthusiasm.

I don't usually have music that inspires me when I write but there's a song that was pretty significant for me in this chapter. Edward makes reference to a "lake song". While it obviously isn't his original composition, I heard him playing this particular song the entire time I was developing and writing that part. Amélie is one of my favorite movies and Comptine d'Un Autre Été is my favorite modern day composition. It touches my soul and I like that I let Edward own a piece of the song in this story.

If you're interested in hearing it/"hearing him", remove the spaces: http : / / youtu. be / H2-1u8xvk54

Chapter Seven ~ Shame


I kept playing the song on my weathered, upright piano so Bella wouldn't notice that I was staring at her.

My eyes always drifted her way.

She caught me often since I had no way of telling when she was going to glance at me but I still couldn't stop looking.

I felt captive and I didn't like it.

"Do I have broccoli in my teeth?" she asked suddenly, without looking up.

Her question threw me off guard and I couldn't answer. I frowned at the keys as I heard her approach the glass door. She had been outside scribbling away in one of her journals all morning. She told me once that she liked the effect of sun on our skin and found herself compelled to write when we created "diamond rainbows", as she put it.

I didn't know what Bella had been writing for the past month since her transformation. I knew it was generally about her vampire experiences and her human memories but she shared little with me. I didn't push because there were certainly things I didn't feel like sharing.

She eased in next to me on the piano bench. I could see the glimmer of mischievousness in her smile from the corner of my eye but I kept playing until she interrupted again.

"Well?"

"Well what?" I asked.

"Do I have broccoli in my teeth?" she repeated.

"No, Bella," I said warily.

"Then what are you staring at?" She broke out a brilliant smile and nudged my shoulder with hers as she laughed. My frown only deepened.

"I wrote that down in my journal today."

This was new. She was sharing a specific detail. I paused the song and turned a little so I could see her face directly.

"I don't know where it came from," she continued, "but one minute I was writing and the next I remembered this crazy comment I made once on a date. You must have reminded me of it because you were looking at me-"

I interrupted her. "I wasn't looking…"

Her pursed lips and single, raised eyebrow told me I wasn't fooling her. I went back to my frown and piano playing.

"As I was saying, you were looking at me and it just came back. Not the whole date but the random broccoli thing because this guy wouldn't quit staring at me."

I cleared my throat to show my discomfort. "Sorry," I mumbled.

"You didn't make me uncomfortable, silly man. I think we're pretty comfortable with one another at this point."

I looked up at her as she stood from the bench and received a wink. It made me feel warm and flustered but I hid my reaction.

Bella ruffled my hair and breezed down the hall towards the bathroom. "Will you play that newer song you composed?"

I didn't answer her but transitioned my morose tune into the airy piece Bella loved so much.

She didn't know how much I loved it too.

I could hear her removing her clothing as the bath water was running. I imagined her in the steamy room with her hair piled high on her head and her silky skin dewy from the moisture. I was arousing myself and knew she'd be able to tell. That fact would have embarrassed me if my arousal didn't cause the same reaction from her. Hiding our sexual draw to one another was a moot point but I still didn't like to be the initiator. It felt too vulnerable. Especially when I wanted to slam the keys and join her in the bath for the rest of the day.

"So beautiful," she murmured to herself. She meant the song but she might as well have been reading my mind.

Bella made my life unpredictable. I had only associated my past sexual experiences with hunting but those lines were blurring now. We had yet to have sex without the aftermath of bloodlust pumping through us but we were also stretching our time together after a hunt. Our physical encounters were becoming more emotional and less instinctual.

My mind drifted to the first time I crossed a line. Bella was unaware I had drawn a line to begin with.

I had her splayed out on a flat protrusion below a rock wall. The height from the ground was enough for me to stand as I watched myself lazily enter her over and over. We were both naked except for my flannel shirt she had open and shrugged off her shoulders. Her taut legs were curled over my arms as my hands gripped her thighs for leverage. I looked up at her face and involuntarily groaned. She was magnificently transcendent. Her head rolled and her eyes lids fluttered. Her lips quivered and her brows knitted tight. Her hands couldn't find purchase. In her hair? On my hands? Digging in the weakening bedrock? She settled them for a moment on her breast – squeezing them roughly and making me wish I had more hands.

"I could fuck you like this for hours," my gravelly voice told her.

Bella liked a colorful tongue during sex and even though it wasn't normal for me, I learned fast that it was to my benefit.

Bella let out a whimpering sigh but said, "No".

Before I could question what that meant, her legs wrapped tighter around me, her heels digging into me from behind, pulling me closer. I didn't stop my movements and let her limbs cage me. She slid back to give me room and her arms pulled me on top of her. My hands curled under her arms and over her shoulders, gripping firmly so I could maintain my rhythm. Our skin was flaming and the contrast of cool air on my back enhanced the multitude of sensations. My chest continued to graze her hard nipples and it made my toes flex and curl. She kissed me deeply then pulled back to breathe in my ear.

"Fuck me like this for hours."

I did just that.

We came over and over again but never separated until a new day dawned. I felt disoriented afterwards and didn't know what to say. Luckily, Bella took the reins and simply said, "I need to go back to the cabin to write."

That worked for me since I was a storm of warring emotions. I was more than happy to act like the past twelve hours were completely normal for any two vampires out for a hunt.

"Edward, why are you playing the same part over and over?" Bella called from the bath.

Her voice pulled me from my daydream and I realized I had been repeating the same bar for three minutes. I inhaled lightly and could smell Bella's arousal, effectively concluding that she knew exactly what was on my mind. Stifling an annoyed sigh, I widened my legs on the bench to give my erection some room. This was becoming a constant state of being.

As I continued to play my elaborate composition, I thought about how Bella and I were increasingly hungry for each other. Yet, I still couldn't bring myself to be intimate with her outside of a hunt.

It implied too much.

So we pilfered and plundered what nature had to offer us. I took Bella hunting for every animal suitable for our needs throughout the region. Our expeditions were so frequent I was legitimately concerned about some of the creatures finding their way onto the endangered species list. We would hunt and then we would indulge each other for hours.

I noticed three things during this time and I couldn't ignore them.

First, Bella was on edge every time she hunted. Our scarlet eyes had turned a deep rust color from a steady diet of animal blood. I often suggested that we find human blood to consume but Bella always refused. She was determined to deny this side of her.

She didn't realize it wasn't a side of her.

It was all of her.

Time passed and Bella grew tenser and more easily agitated. The second thing I noticed is none of this existed when we were physically connected. Nothing darkened her features with dread and she would stay drunk off our passion for hours after. My day was made when I saw her luminescent face desirous and carefree.

Our sexual encounter in the lake was the muse for the piece I was still playing. Bella loved it already but I imagined that she would float into the clouds if she knew it was inspired by that day.

She had gotten rough with a mountain lion and they both tumbled over a cliff into the cobalt water. It was irrational for me to be alarmed but I dove in after her anyway. I found her at the bottom of the lake finishing off the unlucky beast. Her dark, thick tresses slow danced around her fierce expression and her brick-hued eyes glowed against her pearly complexion.

The visual felt surreal even to me.

Not just otherworldly but seductively alien.

Bella kicked off the lake floor with the hollowed beast firmly tucked into her side. I followed my silent siren but we didn't stay above water for long. She discarded the carcass to the shore with a flick of her wrist and pulled me underwater with her again. I was mystified by her plans but let her lead the way. We swam to the edge of the water that butted against the mountain she and her creature had swan dived from.

She pulled us up for air.

So I thought.

Her lips captured mine brutally and her hands fisted painfully into my hair. A low, rumbling growl vibrated in my chest and I yanked my lips free only to sink my teeth into her neck.

She screamed out in pleasurable pain and I lost track of who was clutching whom. I pushed her away, wild-eyed and panting. She mirrored my reactions but her eyes slowly darkened and her lids fell into a slow blink. Then she took a deep breath and with a come-hither smirk, she sank.

I saw her settle on the lake floor with her back pressed to the mountain base. She looked up at me and it was all I needed to shake me from my daze. I took a deep breath and swam to her.

When I was within reach, she gently pulled me closer and pressed our lips together. The solidness of our bodies allowed us to stay sunken but we still could feel the gravitational lightness from being underwater. I closed my eyes and let the feeling pull me deeper into Bella's possession.

She broke away and ripped her underwear off. I watched the lacy garment float away into the abyss as she went for my pants next. I thought she was going to rip those too but she slowly popped open each button on my jeans. She reached in and palmed me - already hard and eager.

I wanted to breathe but I couldn't unless I wanted to fill my insides with water. Having the sense cut off made me hyper aware of my body. I held Bella's face with one hand as I placed slow, closed-mouthed kisses along her jaw and neck. My other hand dipped under her puffed skirt and my fingers entered her slowly. I pushed them in and out of her at the same speed she stroked me.

Long and leisurely.

In my entire existence, I never recalled feeling so much tranquility.

I felt released.

Our bodies grew impatient and our hands found another home as we joined together the best way I knew how. The water naturally slowed our pace but I had to drive my arms into the rock to keep us anchored. Bella was pinned with her legs wrapped around my waist and her arms clasped behind my neck.

We rocked back and forth in a weightless stupor.

Bella came in waves like the mild currents that swirled around us. My orgasm seemed to pull from the tips of my toes and my last breaths of air exploded out at the same time. Bella shoved us off the rock wall and I hugged her close as we kicked up to the surface.

We didn't say anything. Although I knew it was impossible, the silence around us was deafening.

I wanted to read her mind.

I wanted to hear her thoughts because mine were foreign. Mine were altering.

Bella just looked at me.

Unreadable and beautiful.

When she blinked away a drop of water that fell in her eye, breaking our eye contact, I swam away with the excuse of cleaning up the mountain lion.

The memory faded away as I concluded Bella's lake song and let the keys hang on the final note.

"Thank you, Edward," she said quietly, knowing I'd hear her.

I listened to her get out of the bath and wrap herself in a towel. The tub was draining and she blew out the candles she had lit. She liked the lavender smell and said it was also a human memory she noted in her journals. The candles annoyed me because they tried to mask her smell from me.

To acknowledge Bella's gratitude, I continued on to play another one of her favorites as I thought about the third thing I couldn't ignore.

"Oh the Debussy!" she squealed. I smiled momentarily until she continued. "When I'm done in here and jot something down in my notebook, we should go hunting."

Hunting.

The vital act of seeking, taking, and consuming.

That was the third observation I had.

Before Bella, hunting was enjoyable.

I savored the rich blood I needed to sustain this life. Since Bella's change, the blood was still stimulating but it rattled me that human blood seemed to hold no stronger desire. I could see it was something she needed even if she wanted to deny it but I had no interest. I figured that I was paranoid about the flavor being foul again like Bella's first and only kill. I should have found another human right away to test their blood but Bella eclipsed my need.

I wondered if the lack of human blood was making me weak. My guard had been down one day when we were out for a run and we ran into a lone nomad. Bella snarled at him and I scrambled to catch up with the thoughts that were flooding my delayed mind. If I hadn't been so focused on Bella during our run, I would have noticed him before it was too late and he was staring us down. Now that he had my attention, I berated myself for not protecting us better. He was toying with the idea of challenging me and taking Bella. He thought I was too slight with the aura of youthful arrogance that he could undermine.

After a tense exchange and before he could take one more step in our direction, Bella shrilled a cry so hostile that the nomad changed his mind. Thinking us unworthy of his time, he fled in the direction he arrived.

Bella was wound up tighter than normal and I wanted to take her closer to town. However, I knew she'd fight me physically if I mentioned the ease she'd feel with human blood in her system. She was maddeningly stubborn about the issue when my intentions were to help her with these struggles. She wasn't ready to live solely on animal blood but she insisted on testing her control.

I usually enjoyed the silence of Bella's mind but after the encounter with the nomad, I had never wanted to hear her thoughts more. I questioned if she might have wanted to go with the nomad. Even though her reaction towards him was vicious, was it innate or did she prefer my company?

He was physically older than I was and my human age seemed to be an issue for her at one point. It had been the first time Bella saw another vampire. I was hardly slight but compared to his brawn my long and lean physique was going to seem unimpressive.

Maybe she was ready to leave me, if not now but soon. I knew one day it would come to that and I wondered if the nomad caused her to think about other options.

It upset me that I was affected by this at all. I knew it was in our nature to be possessive but I was embarrassed that I couldn't seem to maintain the emotional boundaries necessary to be her mentor. This desire to know how she felt about the nomad only suggested that I was getting emotionally attached. The notion was absurd since I knew she would be leaving at some point.

Perhaps I needed to leave her more often to make our boundaries clearer.

Somewhat resolved, I finished the Debussy that Bella liked.

"I love when you play," she said as she joined me fresh from her bath. "A hunt sounds good right?"

One look in her hopeful eyes and I could feel the lines blurring again. I could also tell by my body's reaction that a hunt with Bella sounded very good.

I wanted to be with her and was excited to be with her.

Too excited.

\\\

I would never get tired of hearing Edward play on his piano. The lack of varnish on the small instrument made it fit perfectly in this home. I found out that Edward had to have one in each of his homes and they were all unique. He wouldn't reveal what was special about this piano but I knew he would one day. It wasn't easy for him to talk about his life but he was getting better without me pressing him too hard.

I wanted to go hunt.

I always wanted to hunt. It was the only time he allowed us to be close. I could tell he wanted more but for whatever reason, he kept us distant when we weren't hunting. I loved what we had become when we hunted but didn't know how to directly tell him that without scaring him. He told me before that we have no reason to be afraid but that was bullshit.

Everything about this life scared me and I knew if he acknowledged how badly he needed me, he would be terrified too.

It wasn't like I couldn't sense it either. I was tuned to him physically as if he were an additional limb on my body. I knew when he was aroused and knew he could tell the same about me. I saw when his eyes blackened without thirst and caught the subtle tension in his muscles. He thought he could hide from me and maybe he hid well from others but I saw it all and I knew what he wanted.

He wanted me.

I didn't make much sense for him to remain so controlled. It was just us out here and it was going to stay that way. I needed him to want me too and found I only could have that when we hunted.

Hunting wasn't actually fun. It was a means to an end. I wish I didn't have to go through it just so I could be close to Edward. Every time we actually fed, the unease I was trying to ignore would burst to the surface. The animals were barely satisfying. I had Edward tell me each predator in the region and we took them all down.

It wasn't enough.

I didn't tell him that but he had to know. He never stopped watching me so he had to know I was failing.

He hadn't verbally responded to my hunting request but he seemed interested. Plopping on the couch, I stared at his hunched back as he fiddled with the keys.

"I was thinking we could explore some areas wider out," I suggested. "Maybe you could show me different game to hunt?"

He stopped playing but didn't turn around. "We can run up towards the Yukon territory. There are animals there you haven't tried yet."

"Yukon? As in your land of the sluts?" I joked but was trying to cover up how much his previous partners bothered me.

"Yukon as in Northwest Canada," he replied and turned to me. He didn't look amused. "We can stay at my home there for a bit if you'd like. Hunt in the area. And before you get ridiculous, I have never brought anyone there. Not even the sluts, as you so politely called them."

"Oh sorry I offended you. God forbid we call a spade a spade," I said, my voice laced with sarcasm. He was in a mood and it wasn't helping my mood. "You already admitted what I wanted to hear. I must be pretty special if you've never brought the ladies," I emphasized dramatically, "back to your place."

"Bella, your need to connect instinctual vampire relations to shallow human interactions exhausts me. Are you special? Given the fact that I created you and have a responsibility to manage you, then yes. You are special."

Just like that, he switched me to blinding rage.

"Fuck you, Edward. I don't want to be managed, asshole."

He started to move closer to me but his cool expression did nothing to help my rising temper.

"I need a little space so I'm going to hunt."

"Without me?" I screech. He hadn't gone hunting without me since I woke up in this cursed body. "Why are you like this right now?"

He bent low so we were eye level and glowered at me. "I've been without you my whole life. You're a complication I don't need or want."

The fury was too strong and I attacked him without choice. The impact had us flying through one of the glass walls. I barely noticed the shattering pieces raining down on us as my teeth locked into his throat. He screamed out but I couldn't tell if it was in pain or anger.

Probably both.

We smashed through a fallen tree near the cabin and I clawed my hands into his shoulder. He never tried to strike back but when we stopped rolling, he ran to get away.

A loud, sickening tear startled me as I tried to understand the changing scene. Edward was closer to the cabin but had curled into a tight ball.

He was wailing in agony.

I barely recognized my small voice from the hellcat that was unleashed moments ago. "What's wrong?"

He whipped around and stared at me with hateful eyes. "What's wrong? You ripped my arm off! That's what's fucking wrong!"

I felt it then.

The weight I was holding in my right hand.

I started to tremble violently.

I couldn't look.

I wouldn't look.

I dropped the weight and wrapped my arms around my body to stop the shaking. I clenched my eyes tight but Edward's cries were ringing through me, demanding that I see the monster I had become.

It wasn't possible for a vampire to hyperventilate because we didn't need air but my throat was swelling as I continued breathing through my mouth rapidly. The effect was disorienting and I stumbled towards Edward.

"Don't come near me," he snapped.

"What do I do?" I choked out desperately.

"You've done enough. Leave me alone."

"I-I can fix-"

"Leave!"

"I just want to help!"

"You can't help!" he thundered. "I should have known better. You're erratic and a newborn. Fighting with you is like fighting with a wild animal that can actually win."

I stopped shaking and let me eyes take in what I had done. Venom had pooled beneath Edward and his arm was closer to him. Closer than where I had dropped it. The fingers that were just playing beautiful melodies twitched spastically against the ground.

This wasn't the most horrific part.

It was his face.

His clothing was torn, dirt marred his skin, and leaves were tangled in his hair but it was his face that showed me the monster I was. His wide eyes glistened in pain and anger yet I knew what else he was showing me.

Fear.

I looked away when I felt the trembling start again only this time it was caused by my body's inability to shed tears. I heard Edward shift on the ground and spit on something. I glanced back at him to see he was holding his disconnected arm and transferring his venom to the mangled socket.

I was disgusted with myself. I apologized softly before running away. I wanted to believe his silence was because I couldn't hear him.

I was still so angry with him for picking a fight with me but I was frightened he might have meant what he was saying.

He didn't need or want me.

After my savage attack, I couldn't blame him. I wanted to stay with him and see if he could be healed but I saw those eyes.

He needed me to go.

Feeling helpless and frustrated, I let my instincts take over and I ran on auto-pilot. I was traveling south but I didn't pay much attention to my surroundings. The afternoon sun was hidden behind clouds and trees seemed to clear away from my blurring charge.

I caught the scent of what my body needed.

What it always needed.

Rich and hot.

An elk was close.

I slowed down and fell into a crouch. Before I allowed myself to inhale deeply, I closed my eyes and listened. The symphony of forest sounds was loud and the Earth practically groaned but I could decipher the location of the elk's footfalls. My muscles coiled tighter and I dragged in a long, deep breath.

Without a thought, my body sprang forward like a bullet.

I was unstoppable and I was traveling away from the elk, towards the scent rolling through my brain like a blinding fog.

I heard nothing but the pulsing drum of thick blood passing through the veins of three men a couple miles away.

I had but one thought.

Mine.