For disclaimers see Chapter One

THERE'S NONE SO BLIND…

Chapter Eight

This day marked a considerable change in the relationship of the two women, though to the casual or even interested observer it was not obvious.

Ever since they had started the ritual training the Captain had focused their sessions on making B'Elanna understand that her volatile temper was not necessarily only coming from her Klingon side. The young woman had learned a lot about Human psychology and emotional response patterns but theory alone would never have helped her.

They also had spoken about her past, focusing on the occasions she had lost her temper. Kathryn had helped her to analyse her actions and reactions as if they had been someone else's. The older woman had been her voice of reason and though she always had been objective and logical in her approach, it was still far from the dispassionate, Vulcan kind of reason and logic. She never made any allusions or personal comments but to B'Elanna it was evident that she spoke from experience. In a strange way it allowed her to accept intellectually what she learned about herself – and the MoQ'bara lessons they always finished the evening with helped her to deal with the emotional fall-out.

Now, Kathryn Janeway gave their lessons a much more personal touch. She allowed B'Elanna some glimpses in her personal history to make her understand that she was not alone with her problems – and more than anything that made a difference for the young woman.

She was still easily angered but instead of resorting to physical force she used Starfleet regulations to reprimand her staff. Engineering had been working smoothly before but now it was like a well oiled machine and the atmosphere seemed at once more relaxed and more professional.

One evening they spoke about the differences between Klingon and Starfleet protocols, and Kathryn told her about the day she took revenge on the man who had ordered L'Larrela's death.

She had had to practically beg to be allowed to participate in the raid.

- - -

"Please, let me go with you, DevwI' SeQ", the young woman in the training's outfit said.

"You are not ready, K'Ryn."

"It is my right, Rel'Issa joHwI' [Lady Rel'Issa]. She died in battle but her body is not yet whole. I don't want her spirit to be restless in StoVoKor because of that."

"Whenever we discussed the Klingon afterlife you were more than reluctant to even accept the possibility. It does not seem honourable to refer to it now."

Kathryn knew that her teacher wanted her to lose her temper. She had done the same on countless occasions before, but this time the young woman was determined not to fall for it.

"What I believe is not important, Rel'Issa joHwI'. What L'Larrela believed is. I intend to honour her convictions."

"You are not ready to eat the hearts of your enemies, my student." Another softly spoken and only thinly veiled insult, her teacher could as well have called her a coward. But once again she didn't answer with anger.

"And I might never be ready to do this. Besides, the vermin who killed your daughter were cowards and the heart of a coward is not worth being eaten by a warrior. Even your targh would rather spit on it. It is my right to avenge Lar's death and I demand that you take me with you."

Kathryn by then had adopted a rather aggressive pose; her feet were shoulder wide apart, her hands rested on her hips; her eyes were burning and her jaw set.

The Priestess studied her intently and laughed loud. Then she rose from her seat and said, "Come, you'll need more appropriate attire to fight at my side."

L'Larrela's killers had a quick death in battle but no one would howl for them. Their master, the priest who had ordered the attack and who was proudly displaying her head in his private study was not so lucky. He belonged to the few people who still believed that Klingon women were only good to bear more warriors and had been angry about Rel'Issa's recent promotion to the Boreth High Council, the highest spiritual authority in the whole Klingon Empire.

Her daughter not only had the audacity to follow in her mother's footsteps but had also been consorting with a Starfleet officer, and to make it worse a female officer. Attacking and killing her in his eyes had been the just punishment for her mother's unnatural ambition. That was at least what he had loudly proclaimed as long as his warriors still had been holding their attackers off.

When Rel'Issa, Kathryn and their fighters breached their defences he fled to what he perceived as the security of his house. Kathryn was the first to reach his study. She opened the door and had to duck a dagger aimed at her throat. The Priest was standing in front of his desk, battle ready with a bat'leth in his hands. He recognised Kathryn and began to taunt her but only when he called L'Larrela a "Starfleet whore" did the young woman react.

One smooth, fast movement disarmed him, kicked his legs further apart and cut off his private parts. He fell to the ground, instinctively trying to stem the flow of blood with both hands and writhing in agony. A booted foot kicked him on his back and with his own dagger in her hand an enraged Kathryn was on him, ready to carve out his eyes.

"Stop! Don't kill him just yet. He deserves to die like the 'Iwaghargh quvHa' 'up [dishonoured, disgusting bloodworm] he is: staked out in the desert and eaten alive by fire lizards – the death of a traitor and a coward as ordained by Kahless himself."

The priest's pain seemed momentarily forgotten as Rel'Issa's words began to sink in. He started to beg and to plead to be shown mercy, to be killed, to be given a chance to kill himself.

Kathryn was still on her right knee next to him. She plunged the dagger deep in his throat, through the spine and into the floor, ending his cowardly whimpering and his life. She slowly rose to her feet, took the mummified head of her beloved and looked deeply into the sunken but still open eyes. Then she howled, a cry conveying an agony so consuming that it washed everything else away.

A hard yank brought a wall tapestry down with the symbol of the brotherhood of Boreth embedded in bright colours. She draped it over the desk. On the other side of the room was a book case from where she took the large volume with the rules of the monastery. She placed it in the centre of the desk and reverently put L'Larrela's head on top of it. Her blood incrusted bat'leth was laid in front of the book. One of the warriors gave her the priest's weapon and she sank to her knees and offered it to her teacher. Rel'Issa took it without a word; the young woman rose and left.

Only much later did Kathryn remember the short conversation between the Priestess and the warrior that had drifted to her ears while she slowly left the building.

"You were right, joHwI'. She was not ready. She should celebrate her first victory like a true warrior."

"She might not have been ready, my friend, but I also was wrong. Today she will be learning the last lesson she needs to be what she was supposed to be. She alone had the right to kill him the way she did."

- - -

"I didn't have a plan when I left; I only wanted to get away as fast as possible. I began to run, trying to silence the sound of his cries and his begging with the rhythm of my boots hitting the ground. Without being really aware of it I had begun to ascend the mountain, simply obeying my body's need of movement. The path got steadily steeper. At one point I slipped and looked down.

"The house of the priest was on fire; I sat down and observed the flames lapping up to the sky. I knew it was intended to open the gates of StoVoKor for L'Larrela and damn her murderers to Grethor. It should have given me some satisfaction but I only felt empty.

"When the flames had totally consumed the house I continued my trek up the mountain. It was already late afternoon but I didn't care. I reached the top around midnight and lost myself in the stars sparkling overhead. Slowly the images of L'Larrela's murderer and his anguished cries began to fade and I started to remember all the good times L'Larella and I had together, of looking up at the stars and sharing stories about the patterns up there, of our long runs together, of spending time in the library of the monastery. For the first time I didn't feel the need to cry my eyes out or to lash out against anyone and anything."

Kathryn fell silent and B'Elanna respected her silence though every single of her instincts cried out to her to take the older woman in her arms and protect her. The unusually detailed retelling had told her more than clearly that the memories were still painful and that the most difficult of them might not have been touched yet.

"That night," Kathryn finally continued, "I made my peace with L'Larrela and for the first few moments of the new day while watching a spectacular sunrise I thought that I had the answers to all of my questions. But then I looked down and saw my hands and armour – dried blood glittering in the morning sun. I must have stared at my hands for hours."

B'Elanna immediately picked up on what the older woman was talking about, "It was your right to avenge her death, DevwI' SeQ"

Kathryn looked into her student's eyes. She saw no judgement there, just a genuine need to understand.

"Try to see it from the point of view of a Federation citizen," she simply said.

Kathryn knew that this simple phrase would be enough to make the younger woman think. B'Elanna took her time answering.

Finally the young woman went to the replicator and ordered two fresh glasses of water. She returned to her seat and took a small sip though she rather would have gulped down a big mug of blood wine. After taking a deep breath she began to speak.

"My mother and I were the only Klingons where I grew up, more than that we were the only non-Humans. My father had made arrangements that I could have my lessons at home and for two years after he left, it worked out fine. Then the local authorities decided that it would be better for me to attend the local school. A lot of the other parents were afraid that I could inadvertently hurt their children and didn't allow them to play with me.

"At the time I only blamed my Klingon half. It's only now that I understand that it was their fear of the unknown, of the supposedly uncontrollable that ruled them. Now I know that my mother tried everything she could to make them change their minds. It's only now that I understand how frustrated she must have been."

The younger woman fell silent and Kathryn held her brown orbs with her pale blue, almost grey eyes. Kathryn resisted the urge to ask, 'So, now, what do you intent to do with your answer? Take the next logical step. You're so close.'

It wouldn't do any good to pressure her. B'Elanna's gaze had drifted down to her hands still closed around the glass of water and stayed focused there.

"When you looked at your hands, after the sunrise, and the blood stains on your armour you saw yourself with the eyes of a Federation citizen, one who has heard a lot of stories about Klingons but possibly has never seen one. Being a Starfleet officer must have made it even more difficult. In their eyes what you did had been revenge, not justice. – How did you find your balance, K'Ryn?"

"I spent the whole day and the next night on the mountain top and by then my head had come to a decision. I no longer wanted to be a Human with Klingon strength and Klingon instincts, and, yes, a Klingon temper."

Finally B'Elanna understood, "By killing your parmaqqay's murderer the way you did, you found a balance between Starfleet and Klingon justice. His death was inevitable but by killing him swiftly you showed a degree of compassion not easily found in Klingon warriors. But I suppose that thinking it was one thing, really believing it quite ano…."

The comm. system effectively cut the young woman off. "Red alert; all hand to battle stations, senior officers to the brigde."

-x-x-x-

Both women sprinted out of the door and towards the turbo lift before the message had even finished. They learned that the shuttle that had been sent on a reconnaissance mission to study a nebula with Tuvok and Chakotay on board apparently had been attacked by a vessel coming unexpectedly out of a nebula. When they had been brought to Sickbay Tuvok had been unconscious and the First Officer for all intents and purposes brain dead. An unknown entity seemed to sabotage the ship and it turned out that Tuvok had been possessed by an alien energy creature that intended to use the neural energy of the whole crew as food for its people. In the end Chakotay's disembodied spirit had saved the day.

With his sentence half completed Chakotay had begged her to be allowed back on duty. He had not asked to be reinstated in his former job, but he wanted to do something to once again actively help them to get beck to Earth. Tuvok had agreed to monitor him and his performance during what should have been nothing but a routine mission. Now, Janeway was grateful that she had listened to his pleas. He had saved the lives of the whole crew; that went a long way to mellow her towards him. She reinstated him as her First Officer, but she still didn't trust him on a personal level and thus refused to also reactivate his command codes and insisted that the so-called house arrest would continue until he had completed the sentence. Chakotay seemed genuinely thankful, but in the quiet of her Ready Room Captain Janeway admitted to herself that the only reason he was back on the Bridge and in the chair to her left was that B'Elanna had asked her to give him another chance.

Kathryn remembered the short conversation they had had about the subject in a turbolift on the way to Engineering and yet another double shift to repair the damage caused by the encounter with the energy creature.

"I know what Chakotay did to me was wrong, and consequently what he is capable of doing given half the chance doesn't exactly encourage anyone to trust him again. He should have had a much better control over his urges, but despite everything, and it took me a long time to admit this to myself, despite everything he is a good man. He saved my life more than once. In my eyes he deserves a chance to redeem himself."

-x-x-x-

As soon as things started to return to what in the Delta quadrant passed as normal, sensors indicated an asteroid with seemingly large Dilithium deposits and the ship's Chief Engineer was of the firm belief that one could never have too much Dilithium ore. An away team consisting of Ensign Durst, Lieutenant Torres, and the ever adventure-happy Lieutenant Paris was sent down while Voyager itself set out to scan and map the whole area.

When the team failed to make contact at the appointed time and a more detailed scan showed that some of the corridors had shifted direction the Captain started to get a very bad feeling, instantly validated by the discovery of Viidian force fields, force fields protected against their phasers. Chakotay finally came up with the idea to rescue their missing crew members from the mining colony they apparently had stumbled upon by posing as a Viidian and infiltrating the complex.

Tom Paris was safe and sound but Durst had paid with this life and B'Elanna's DNA had been split in half, creating two different persons: a fully Human and a fully Klingon B'Elanna Torrres. Unsurprisingly at first they didn't get along at all but when push came to shove they worked together. The Human B'Elanna had managed to disable the shields around the mining complex and Voyager beamed them out. The Klingon B'Elanna, however, gave her life protecting her other half.

When they all re-materialised on the transporter platform the Klingon already was beyond the Doctor's help – and when she closed her eyes for the last time the Human B'Elanna howled for her and whispered, "batlh Daqawlu'taH [You will be remembered with honour]."

The young woman felt that it was the least she could do for her other half, announcing her proud entrance into StoVoKor. Never having done this before, however, the dark-haired engineer had not been prepared for the rush of emotions with which the simple gesture almost overwhelmed her. And then she suddenly felt very empty.

She was relieved when the Doctor later told her that he had to reintegrate her Klingon DNA because without it her cells were no longer able to synthesise proteins. B'Elanna was still very pensive when Chakotay asked her how she was doing.

"I'm not sure. It's been a pretty strange experience. I do know that right now, the way I am, I'm more at peace with myself than I've ever been before. And that's a good feeling."

Sensing her thoughtful mood the tall man asked, "But?"

She looked at him, trying to explain what she really felt. "I'm incomplete. It doesn't feel like me."

The gentle smile on his face told her that he probably would not understand the truth, so, she said what she thought he expected her to say, "I guess I had someone else living inside of me for too long to feel right without her."

"I'd have to say that you two made quite a team down there."

B'Elanna didn't know if he said this to help her make peace with her other half or to simply change the subject.

"I know. I came to admire a lot of things about her, her strength, her bravery. I guess I just have to accept that I'll spend the rest of my life fighting with her."

The moment the last sentence had passed her lips, she knew that it was not true, that she just had betrayed the sacrifice of her other half. Chakotay, however, seemed not to have expected anything else and patted her left forearm in sympathy before leaving the infirmary.

-x-x-x-

At first the Doctor's injections didn't seem to have much effect and she wanted him to release her to her quarters but he insisted on keeping her under close observation until the process was complete. That gave her a lot of time to think about the last several days.

She remembered having been thrown around the barracks like a rag doll after the guards surprised her at the terminal, and then this glorious Klingon had rushed in and swept the floor with them. After feeling weaker and more frightened with every passing hour, trading insults with herself had constituted a comforting return to normality. She recalled snippets of their discussion that still had resulted in developing an escape plan that had really worked.

Would the Doctor have been able to reunite both halves if the Klingon had not been killed? Would any of them have agreed to such a procedure? Could she have learned to live in a Starfleet ship, following Starfleet regulation or would she have ended up in the brig for continuous insubordination or for breaking the jaws of everyone who mispronounced her name?

Then her thoughts returned to her conversation with Chakotay and the half truths she had fed him. Her other half had been right to call her a p'taQ – but she also had told her that saving her life had made her death an honourable one. Now, it was up to her to live up to her other half's expectations.

B'Elanna didn't get the chance to come to any clear decision when her world suddenly was flooded with intense pain, a pain brought on when the Klingon DNA began to restore her brow ridges and secondary organs.

The Doctor practically begged her to allow him to administer some painkillers or a sedative but all she asked for was some privacy. So, he erected an opaque force field around her biobed. With the next injection it got even worse and every single one of his subroutines told him to do something.

"Let me call the Captain, Lieutenant. She can help you like she did the last time."

"I will not allow you to do that, Doctor. Keep the Captain out of it. She is not to know about the pain."

"But she can help you," the young woman doubled over in pain. "This is not necessary."

"Yes, it is. The 'Ceremony of Pain' will not work this time. I have to do this alone. Respect my wishes, Doc, please," she pressed out when the next wave of pain raced through her body.

The EMH nodded and left the isolated area. He still thought that it was wrong to simply let her suffer but with one word the fiery young woman had considerably weakened his resolve; she had said 'please'.

After the next to last injection, with 70% of her original physiology restored, B'Elanna thankfully passed out. Had he not been holographic, the Doctor would have breathed a sigh of relief.

About an hour later Captain Janeway strode into Sickbay. Together with Ensign Kim she had worked on a way to deactivate the Vidiian's force fields in case of future encounters. With their combined scientific and engineering competence they really had found a way. She hoped to distract B'Elanna from once again having to stay in Sickbay by telling her all about it. But instead of finding a belligerent Chief Engineer she was faced with an isolation field and a visibly worried CMO.

"Doctor, report. How is Lieutenant Torres?"

He quickly filled her in on the unforeseen side effects of the gene therapy and B'Elanna's reaction to his suggestions, conveniently forgetting that she had specifically asked him not to inform Captain Janeway.

"And she really said that the 'oy'sontay would not work?"

"Yes Captain, but I don't see any reason why not."

"When did you plan to give her the last injection?"

He should have known that she would not answer his implied question, "I can give it to her now. It's been almost two hours since the last one and it might not be so hard on her if she's still out."

"Do it. I'll stay with her."

"Yes Captain."

The Doctor applied the hypospray and the young Hybrid's body reacted immediately and violently. It took both the Captain and him to restrain her until the first spasms had passed. Thankfully she didn't regain consciousness.

As soon as she had settled down a bit the Doctor left them alone. Kathryn looked down on the still strained face of her student and wracked her brain on why she had refused her help, why she seemed convinced that the 'oy'sontay would not work. There was only one possible explanation: B'Elanna thought that she deserved to suffer this pain. But what in Grethor would make her think something like that? She had done nothing wrong; without her Voyager would have lost not only one member of the family but four.

-x-x-x-

In the middle of Gamma shift B'Elanna came to and opened her eyes.

"K'Ryn, you're here," she whispered.

"Yes, I'm here, B'El, and I won't go anywhere. Sleep now, you soon will be back to normal."

"Not normal, so sorry," B'Elanna mumbled before falling into a deep healing sleep.

The Doctor tried to get his Captain to spend the rest of the night in her bed but she insisted on staying at the Hybrid's side. Instead of arguing the holographic Chief Medical Officer simply ordered the computer to log the Captain off-duty the next day due to a medical emergency. She nodded her thanks and he once again left the isolation area.

He had been among the first to hear the rumours about the Captain and her Chief Engineer but in his eyes they didn't act like lovers. He conceded that there definitively was something going on between them but he was less than sure about the nature of their relationship.

Whatever it was, Janeway's mere presence seemed to aid the younger woman's recovery. The side effects of the treatment had abated more quickly and all her readings for the first time in hours had started to even out as soon as the Captain had touched her shoulder – just as if she had recognised the touch, like a lover would.

He compared his recent findings with the readings he had taken during the 'Ceremony of Pain' and found them consistent. But according to the information in the Klingon medical database this particular ceremony required eye contact to work.

When B'Elanna had regained consciousness, the calming effect of the other woman's presence had become even more apparent; her muscles relaxes, her breathing was more regular and her adrenaline output slowly returned to a more normal level.

It was fascinating, especially since he could not detect any change in his commanding officer – and not for the first time he regretted not being able to look as easily into his patients' minds than he did into their bodies.

-x-x-x-

Kathryn was still observing the sleeping woman. Her words in this short moment of consciousness in a way had affirmed the Captain's suspicions. The brown orbs had told her more than clearly that her charge felt guilty. 'But why?' she asked herself, 'and what had she meant with not being normal?'

She had thought that B'Elanna had finally come to accept her Klingon half. Was it possible that the direct confrontation had undone all their progress? Tom Paris' report had mentioned in passing how B'Elanna's Human part had been at the beginning. He also had stressed how she had overcome her fear to get them all out of there. Was it possible that the experience had made her see her Human half as weak and that she now would start to reject that part of herself?

Kathryn's rational mind knew that it was pointless to speculate one way or the other. She had to wait until they could talk in private.

During her short venture into consciousness B'Elanna had instinctively taken hold of the Captain's hand, and though the grasp had eased up almost immediately Kathryn had yet to remove her hand. Every now and then B'Elanna turned her head in sleep, and the older woman used the opportunity to brush a strand of hair out of her face gently.

The Captain knew that she should not give into the temptation; she had no right to express her feelings. It was wrong on so many levels. With stolen moments like these she was taking advantage of B'Elanna, of her current vulnerability and of her trust.

Kathryn's hand rested gently on the young woman's cheek. She knew it was not right, but these clandestine moments were all she ever would have; they were all she could allow herself.

As a Captain she had to be seen as larger than life to get her motley group of Starfleet personnel, Maquis rebels, and Delta Quadrant natives back to sector 001; especially with a Second-in-Command she no longer trusted. She had to set an example, not only to gain their trust but also to get them all to follow Starfleet protocols – and that meant she had to adhere to all of the rules, even, and maybe especially, the unwritten ones.

Kathryn sighed and B'Elanna turned her head again, just a couple of inches but enough to give the impression of snuggling into the other woman's touch. The small movement brought a smile to Kathryn's face, a smile so bright and enticing it made the dark-haired woman smile in answer when she opened her eyes.

For about a minute they just looked at each other, drowning in brown respectively blue-grey orbs.

Then Kathryn restored her Captain's mask and they called the Doctor who released B'Elanna to her quarters under the condition that she got some rest for the next two days. He ordered a site-to-site transport for the two women.

"DevwI' SeQ, after your shift, could we talk, please?"

"I'm glad you asked, B'Elanna. I'm off duty today; so, why don't we both grab a shower and meet for lunch at my quarters. Let's say in two hours?"

"I'll be on time, thank you."

-x-x-x-x-x-

To be continued in Chapter Nine