Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue.

Summary: See previous chapters.


Survival Guide: Chapter Seven

Do's and Don'ts for Mary-Sues


Never underestimate the power of Jealousy.
Canon Females will not give up their loves willingly, no matter how perfect you are.

While you are perfection incarnate and universally adored and thus have no reason to be jealous of anyone, this is not necessarily true in the reverse. Canon Females will not take lightly to others trying to get at their love and steal them away.

They will not care that you are obviously better for your Lust Object than they are. Even if they don't deserve the affection of your Lust Object, they will refuse to see this fact. Because of their refusal to accept the inevitable, they can get vicious in a fight, and this can have unpleasant results, such as scarring, or loss of others' affection.

While your Lust Object adores you anyway, you will not look anywhere near as attractive if you are messed up from a catfight and have scratches all over your face from where the Canon Female bitch-slapped you.


Case Study Fifteen

Cherryblossom Took was famed as the most beautiful Hobbit-lass who ever was or would be. The fact that this title technically belonged to the as-yet unborn Elanor 'the Fair' Gamgee bothered her not a whit, largely because she had her sight firmly set on Elanor's father, Samwise Gamgee.

She was also supremely unconcerned about the uproar such a romance would cause, and the fact that even if Sam were not just as firmly set on Rose Cotton, the difference in station would cause him never to look twice at her. She was universally adored, and perfection incarnate. She had no reason to be jealous just because Sam was ignoring her and spending every spare second mooning after Rosie. It was just a childish phase.

It was also an open secret that Rose Cotton was just as smitten with Sam as he was with her, and hated Cherryblossom with a passion.

Cherryblossom didn't see why, really. She had tried to be nice to Rosie, even while blatantly trying to steal her man.

It was perfectly reasonable, after all. Cherryblossom was obviously much better for Samwise than Rosie was, it was inconceivable that Rosie could feel jealous, especially when she so obviously didn't deserve Sam's love.

Never mind that Cherryblossom knew little about Sam other than that he was handsome and worked as Frodo Baggins's gardener, while Rosie had known him all her life and liked him for at least half that.

It was still obvious that Cherryblossom should have Sam, but Rosie refused to relinquish him to the nobler, kinder Cherryblossom, a selfish act if ever there was one. In fact, Rosie had yelled at her and literally thrown her out of the Green Dragon Inn.

This simply could not be born!

It was the rightful humiliation at Rose Cotton's hands that had lead to Cherryblossom lurking outside the Green Dragon, waiting to ambush Rosie when she got the chance. A good bitch-slap was just what that insufferable Miss Cotton needed.

Her chance came when Rosie stepped outside for a break and a breath of fresh air. Cherryblossom pounced!

The two Hobbit-maids rolled over and over in a tumble of skirts, fists and flashing eyes.

Sadly, Cherryblossom had forgotten one Very Important Thing.

As a close relative to the Thain of Great Smiels, Cherryblossom Took had been raised a proper Hobbit-lass, learning the duties that she would one day perform as mistress of her own home. Duties which certainly didn't include learning how to fight or beat people up.

On the other hand, Rose Cotton worked as a bar-maid, and was therefore used to handling herself when customers got a bit out of hand. She also had the added motivation of the shameless hussy trying to steal her will-someday-be husband, a fact guaranteed to get any woman up in arms, no matter her station or species.

A few minutes later, it was all over.

Rosie stood up and dusted herself off. Sam and Frodo would be leaving soon, so she had just enough time to get back inside and bid them goodnight, along with a smile for Sam. Striding back into the Inn with a new bounce in her step, Rosie calmly ignored the whimpers from behind her.

At the edge of the inn yard, Cherryblossom rolled over with a pitiful moan. Rosie was only seen once or twice during the Lord of the Rings Movies, why did she get to be so good in a catfight?

Oh! Sam was coming out. She ran over to him, "Sam! Frodo! Sam, look! You won't believe what that horrible Rose Cotton did - ."

She was cut off by a scowl from Sam and a confused look from Frodo, who asked, "I'm sorry, miss, do we know you?"

Of course Frodo knew her! They were related, weren't they! She opened her mouth to protest this, but was cut off again, this time by Sam. "Don't you be talking like that about Miss Cotton, now! She's a fine young lass and worth respecting! Come on, Mister Frodo."

Cherryblossom stood there, gaping in confusion. Walking a few feet so that she had the best background for dramatic pacing, Cherryblossom nearly fell over a water trough. Looking down, she barely stifled a scream. Her hair was a mess, her pretty dress was torn beyond concealable repair, and her face was scratched and bloody.

What had that bitch done to her?

Her head snapped up, ready to commit murder. She saw Rosie waving to Sam from the doorway, not a hair out of place and wearing a sunny smile.

Rosie caught sight of Cherryblossom, and gave her a self-satisfied smirk, before going back inside and shutting the door.


Be secure in your Superiority.
You are a Mary-Sue. There is no one as beautiful or talented or all-around perfect as you are. No Canon Female stands a chance against you.

Mary-Sues are the epitome of all that is desirable. Men are rendered helpless by their power, women are constantly at risk of losing the love of their Canon lives, and often also their extended families, by virtue of being replaced or killed off.

For these reasons, Canon Females will wage a futile rearguard action until their last breath, fighting to keep their previous Canon Respective Other.

They will attempt to defeat you in any manner possible, be it attempting to show you up, or keeping a constant guard on their partner. They may also try less subtle attempts, such as drawing attention away or conveniently 'failing' to notice when you are injured.

You are superior, but do not let that lull you into dropping your guard. For example, if you are fighting pirates who are trying to kill you and they cry out for a Lady's Mercy, think first. Nothing has happened in the past two seconds to make them change their mind about killing you.

You have perfectly honed skills to defend yourself, but there is no reason to give them a free shot. Likewise, there is no reason to keep potential rivals around to rub your victory in their faces. Either kill them or keep them locked up far away from anywhere. You have no need to prove anything by keeping your rivals in a position to fight back.


Case Study Sixteen

Vanyariel sighed. Her Lust Object was being disturbingly thick headed in his denial that they were meant for each other. Perhaps it was because she Lusted after Faramir of Gondor, and Lady Eowyn kept a sharp vigil with an even sharper sword, refusing to let her near him.

Secure in her superiority, Vanyariel amused herself by watching Eowyn's attempts to keep her away from Faramir. Eowyn could never compete with the perfection that was a Mary-Sue, but it was fun to watch her try.

There was no harm in it, as despite Eowyn's best efforts, Vanyariel was sure that Faramir would come around. Eventually.

With another longing, wistful sigh that made an innocent bystander nearly fall over themselves to inquire what was wrong, Vanyariel reassured herself by mentally reviewing the facts.

She was Naturally Superior to her Canon rivals. Eowyn didn't stand a chance.

There was no one as beautiful, talented and all-around perfect as she was.

Her Lust Object was just being stubborn.

Vanyariel was broken out of her thoughts by the sound of yelling, jolting her back to the present time. Aragorn had been crowned King of Gondor a few months ago, and had been busy hunting down the remains of Sauron's army and allies. Vanyariel had joined a party that was chasing what remained of the Corsairs of Umbar, and was preparing to ambush the pirates. Just wait until Faramir saw her in battle! That would be the end of his resistance, she was sure!

It was only a few more minutes until the Corsairs of Umbar came charging into view, some in ships, some on foot, their ships having already been sunk. Mad with rage and blood-lust, the Corsairs didn't notice the ambush until it was too late.

As a Mary-Sue, Vanyariel had an inbuilt protection that prevented her from becoming in any way messy during battle. Seeing this, many of the Corsairs fell to their knees, crying for a Lady's mercy.

Drawing herself up, preparing to offer a gracious speech, Vanyariel failed to notice a Corsair sneaking up behind her, until he leapt up and stabbed her through the heart. The man must have been gay.

As a Mary-Sue, Vanyariel was of course entitled to a long and drawn-out death scene. Faramir's band (sadly including Eowyn) appeared as re-enforcements, just in time to see her kill the pirate who stabbed her, then fall to the ground. This lead Vanyariel to hope that all was not lost and (as was usual for bad fanfic) the everlasting attention of her true lust could save her life.

Unfortunately for her, Faramir was facing the other way at the time. Even more unfortunately, this gave him a perfect look at Eowyn fighting, in her full glory as a Shield-Maiden of the Riddermark.

Even Death-Scenes cannot take forever, and Vanyariel was forced to watch in disbelief as Faramir completely forgot her existence in favor of Eowyn.

Vanyariel's last thought was that she knew she should have killed that shield-bitch off when she had the chance.


When investing in non-Canonical items to assist you in your Quest, make sure that you will be in a position to use them

While magical and mythical items are good to have around just in case, you will need to take care in selecting them. Make sure it is relevant and useful. A gold tiara that shines with the light of the sun is no good if you are trying to sneak behind enemy lines in the dead of night.

It is also wise to take precautions.

If you have a sword that makes its bearer impossible to defeat, be sure to specify that getting killed should be counted under 'defeat'. Also add that 'bearer' should be owner. It is annoying to be disarmed and then have your own weapon used against you.

If your item/artifact is some kind of jewelry, wear it as a choker. After all, necklaces with long chains can break, be torn off or slip over your head, and we all know what happened to Isildur when he fell into the river while wearing the ring. It slipped right off his finger.

Modern-day items should also be carefully considered. Make-up is all well and good, and will help you when you have just been crawling through a mine and look horrible. Compact Mirrors are invaluable in this case.

On the other hand, it is far better to let your hair dry naturally and bring something more useful than to bring a hair-dryer into a 'Dark Ages' setting with no electricity.


Case Study
Seventeen

"Are you sure you should be taking those, my Lady?"

Morwen turned to glare at her maid. "That is the tenth time you've asked me that in as many minutes, Iariel! Yes I am sure! I am representing our people in this quest and must look my finest. Now stop arguing with me and fetch them!"

Iariel sighed. There really was no talking with her mistress when she was like this. Looking beautiful was all well and good, and normally she would encourage it, but Lady Morwen would be traveling over mountains, through forests and Valar-knew where else, frequently on foot! There was no way that this would end in anything but disaster.

Sighing yet again, Iariel lifted down the box containing the exquisite shoes. She had done her duty and warned the silly girl, and she certainly couldn't be blamed if her mistress didn't listen to her.

She had told her mistress that Glass Slippers will not help if you are running over rocky terrain where they are likely to break and turn into Glass Splinters, so there was nothing more she could do with that.

Returning to where her mistress was packing, Iariel wondered how many times today she would be sighing. At this rate she would start to sound like some silly princess in a babe's storybook. The girl had taken her magical amulet and was seeing how it looked on various cords and chains.

"Here are your shoes, Lady Morwen. Are you sure you wouldn't like me to put the amulet in a choker for you. The silver would look lovely on some black silk."

Lady Morwen looked at her in absolute shock. "Are you mad, Iariel? No, this absolutely must go on a chain so it can rest enticingly just above my breasts."

Iariel decided to try one last time. "But cords and chains break so easily, my lady. What if someone were to try and choke you with the necklace, or if you fell and it slipped over your head?"

Lady Morwen gave her maid a condescending Look that had always driven Iariel mad. Well, it wasn't like such things hadn't happened before! Look at Isildur! Falls into the river while wearing a ring and next thing you know, it slipped off his finger and he is shot by orcs.

Her mistress was going to get herself killed or seriously injured, and if Lady Morwen refused to listen to her, then all Iariel could do was wait a few weeks for the day that she would be saying "I told you so."


While sarcasm has its place and use, be careful who you insult.
Not everyone will take it in good humor. Many will take it in very bad humor.

There is nothing appealing about someone who has been chopped into pieces but is still alive. At the very best, you will be looked upon with pity. At the worst, you will be scorned as useless.

Sarcasm and a quick wit can earn you looks of admiration, but also has a high probability of annoying someone you shouldn't have, and getting you into trouble.

Getting into trouble often has lasting consequences. For example, it can annoy a Dark Lord, who will realize that he cannot defeat you, and promptly take it out on your loved ones, especially your Lust Object.

They will also make you watch while you wail about your handsome elf/man/hobbit/whatever being mutilated.

Others will take a more direct approach. Always remember that it is very hard to entice or seduce anyone if you have just angered a Dwarve and they have chopped your legs off at the knee.

It will also seriously impair your chances of showing off your fighting or athletic skills.


Case Study
Eighteen

Elerrina's eyes remained firmly fixed on Boromir's behind as he left the room promising to return after the meeting.

From the corner, Gimli son of Gloin gave her a nasty look, fuming over the way she was manipulating the rest of the fellowship like a goldsmith crafting an intricate diadem. He knew elves were little more than an empty head and a pretty face, and no one yet knew the measure of the average Hobbit, but he had really expected more from Gandalf and the Men.

Besides, didn't Aragorn have that pretty elf-lady waiting for him, the one always put Lord Elrond in such a protective mood, and Maia were incompatible with anyone except other Maia.

Elerrina finally noticed the hostility being radiated in her direction by the Dwarve, and returned a foul look of her own. She was a Mary-Sue, and thus perfect and universally adored by her chosen side. Villains didn't like her; naturally, as she was always instrumental in foiling their plots, but the Good Guys all loved her.

Sure, the previously-attached-until-she-came-along females were often jealous and resentful, but they were the exception. She really didn't understand why Gimli was being so difficult and refusing to like her.

Maybe he was gay. There were very few female dwarves, after all, and as a Mary-Sue, Elerrina understood the power of lust and hormones and how they could make one desperate.

Gimli was still glaring at her, though, and she really needed to do something about that before the rest of the Fellowship returned, otherwise Arwen would start accusing her of trying to break up the Fellowship again.

Elerrina sighed and turned to face the Dwarve, reminding herself that she had to look down to see him properly. "I don't know why you hate me so much, Glimli. I only want to help the Fellowship and win Boromir's love."

She hadn't thought it to be possible, but the Dwarve's glare somehow managed to actually increase. "For a start, lass, its Gimli. I don't like you because you've done nothing but act like a shameless hussy, and insult all the good and proper ladies here while you are at it. All you are doing is getting in everyone's way. Master Gamgee is a perfectly good cook, and no one is interested in watching you show off. We were best off before you arrived!"

Elerrina was a Mary-Sue and therefore always had a perfect temper. Unfortunately, this was just going too far, and Gimli's uncanny, not to mention very accurate, description of her was enough to make her boiling mad. "Why you uncouth midget! How dare you talk to me like that? I am powerful and beautiful and skilled and can wield any kind of weapon! You just wait! I'll talk to the others right this moment and have you booted from the Fellowship! You are just jealous that I am better than you, not to mention taller, and there is nothing you can do about it!"

Elerrina turned on her heel to stalk off in a huff, but forgot one Very Important Thing. When people start off on a monologue, they tend to lose their head and something always happens to throw them off their high horse. In this case, Gimli proved that there was, in fact, something he could do about her perfection and height, and promptly swung his axe at her legs.

Losing her balance as well as a good portion of her height, Elerrina fell over with a less-than-becoming shriek. This was not the best of ideas, as it brought half of Imladris running to see who was being murdered.

Treated to a first-hand view of Elerrina lying on the floor in a decidedly un-attractive state and Gimli doubled over holding his ears, the spectators decided that there was a terrible and violent intruder running around, and immediately set off to deal with the threat.

With her looks irrevocably marred, and no longer the center of attention, Elerrina's Mary-Sue Charms began to fail, particularly the ones that allowed her to intrude upon Canon in the first place.

It should be noted that the elf-maiden who so had appeared out of nowhere, had disappeared just as mysteriously. She quickly faded out of the minds of those she had bewitched, and it cannot be denied that Gimli, son of Gloin, swiftly rose in the esteem of many ellith, despite being a Dwarve.

Even Mary-Sues can occasionally be used for something good.


When meeting your Lust Object in a hostile situation
, do not squee loudly.
No amount of anguished regret on their part will help is you have been killed by a paranoid or trigger-happy hero before you have a chance to explain things.

When encountering your Lust Object, it is perfectly acceptable, and certainly expected to rejoice.

When in a dangerous situation, however, it is best to rejoice quietly. Your Lust Object is probably still wound tightly from the battle, and while it is nothing that a good naked full-body massage won't cure, it is in nobody's best interest to startle them.

While you and your Lust Object are soul-mates and destined to be together for all eternity, the only true way to return from the Halls of Mandos is to be sent back by Lord Namo of the Valar, and unlike the rest of the world, the Lords and especially Queens of the Valar are notoriously difficult to persuade, no matter how much you try to explain that it is destiny that you and your Lust Object be reunited.

Mary-Sues can be sent back, usually among mutters of 'I can't take it anymore', probably referring to the Mary-Sue's beauty and Valier's subsequent jealousy, but not always.
Excessive talking about how you simply must return will result in threats of the Void, probably so that your Purity and Goodness and Gentle Spirit can redeem Morgoth.

Either way, a loud squee will get you nothing but a messy death, a Canon Female who will have taken advantage of your Lust Object's grief while you are away, and far more trouble than it is worth.


Case Study Nineteen

Laerrielana peered through the bushes at the handsome elf as he fought for his life.

Ambushed by orcs while returning home, after miraculously surviving the Battle of Helms Deep, Haldir of Lothlorien was beginning to tire. Systematically wearing down the number of orcs, Haldir had winnowed the ranks down to two orcs when he heard a sharp rustle in the bushes.

Ducking a swipe from an orc blade, he was glad that he still had one arrow left in his quiver. Concentrating on his current opponents, he pretended not to notice. He would have to be quick, and it would do no good to warn his opponent beforehand.

Laerrielana barely stopped herself from swooning as she watched Haldir fight, centuries, if not millennia, of training brought to play. As the last of the orcs fell, she failed to restrain a high-pitched 'squee' of Lust Object Inspired delight.

Brains are rarely a Mary-Sue's strong point; otherwise she would have known not to make so much noise. As it was, her delight quickly turned to horror when her Lust Object turned, and in one smooth motion, fired the last of his arrows with deadly accuracy. Laerrielana's eyes widened in dawning realization as the arrow flew closer.

Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on your stance) no amount of realization or Mary-Sue reflexes could have saved her now. Laerrielana had time for one despairing thought before the arrow buried itself in her heart. But we were destined to be together. My poor Haldir, now he must fade from grief…

Warily, Haldir approached the bushes, still on his guard in the (unlikely) event that he had missed. Parting the bushes, his eyes fell on a beautiful young woman. Haldir's eyes widened in horror. How could he have thought that she was an orc?

Haldir felt a sharp stab of guilt at his actions. All life was precious, and elves would mourn even the death of a stranger. He firmly reminded himself that he had been in a battle situation, and the woman had certainly sounded like an orc's battle cry.

Besides, it would not be the first time that the Enemy had used such underhand tactics, and the Lady Galadriel herself was proof that woman could be just as dangerous as men when in battle, and even more-so when not in open combat, but the more subtle arts where they held rule.

Haldir's own mother had been a good ally in battle, but even more dangerous at home, where she could have them all on a steady diet of boiled cabbage and liver until she had her way.

Haldir sighed and turned away. He needed to return to Lothlorien and make his report. He did not look forward to telling the Lord and Lady of the woman's death, but it could not be helped. Haldir continued on his way, leaving the body of Laerrielana the Mary-Sue lying on the ground, not giving her a second thought.

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A/N: So, Mary-Sue dos and don'ts. There were two other rules that I thought of, but couldn't think up case studies for.

A) There may be instances where you are forced to change into some kind of anima or alternate identity to rescue your Lust Object or save the day. If this happens, be sure to specify what gender. There is nothing more humiliating than turning into someone of the opposite sex and your Lust Object will find it a Turn-Off.

B) If you are forced to use underhand means in your Quest to win the Lust Object, never admit to it. Chances are, your Lust Object will over hear and their opinion of you will diminish.

If anyone comes up with ideas for those two rules, let me know!

Anyway, the usual: Take five seconds to leave a review and tell me what you think. Suggest a few things that you would like to see.

Thanks,
Nat.