Yikes. Sorry for the delay…last week Jensen and I went on a little vacation to celebrate our one year anniversary (which really isn't until the fifteenth), and then when we got back home on Monday we discovered that while we had been gone, Blakely had developed a raging ear infection. The poor little thing has been miserable all week, and oh my god she can scream loud. But I took her to the doctor and got her the meds she needs, so she should be getting better =)

So…Bella is finicky. That's not a crime! But I know I was kind of like her in college too…I'd be totally in love with a guy and everything would be good and then suddenly, there was another guy to catch my fancy. I think it sometimes comes along with the whole independence thing- you just want to spread your wings and discover all that you can.

BPOV- September 13, 2010, New York:

"I am really going to miss you." I said softly, burying my face in Edward's chest. "And I'm sorry. But I think it would best for us to lay off until we can actually be a real couple…it's just how I feel. That doesn't mean I don't want to be with you, because I do. It just means that I want to find a little independence first. I've never had a boyfriend, and I don't think I'm ready for a long distance relationship right now." I said softly, tears coming to my eyes. "I'm so sorry to have led you on, Smokey. But I'm still going to text, and when I come to Forks for Christmas, I'll have a definite answer for you."

Edward nodded, holding me tighter against his body as he remained silent. When he spoke, his voice was rough. "I get it. You want to…experience more. I won't hold it against you." He promised, squeezing me even tighter. "I just thought that when you turned eighteen, that would be it. I didn't realize that it wouldn't get any easier. Part of me is thankful that you brought it up." He said honestly, and then slowly pulled away from me. "Do good, okay? I'll see you in December." He said, and then softly kissed me on the lips. "I'll miss you too, Sunshine."

I bit my lip and clung to him again, and Edward pulled away again. "I have to go." He said gently, brushing his soft lips against my forehead.

Then he left me in the middle of the Lincoln Center Plaza, not looking back. I didn't blame him- my sudden fear of commitment must have been a huge shock, especially after he had come to see me for my birthday. But I had to do this. I was afraid that if I didn't, I would always regret it. I cared about Edward, but I needed to know more before I could make such a huge commitment to him. Because I know that once I get involved with him further, I'm never going to want to let go.

But I don't want to end up like my mom- married to a firefighter from a small town, stuck there with a child and with a life I don't want for myself. Because right now, I honestly don't know what I want, other than that I wanted to dance. When I was dancing, everything somehow felt simpler. It was just me the music and the steps and the rhythm…it was an adrenaline rush.

It was only the middle of September, and classes had only been in session for a couple of weeks, but things were already starting to get competitive. Dates for rehearsals were already being set up, and suddenly the winter recital seemed dangerously close.

Now that I had practically ruined my relationship with Edward, all I could do was just try and totally throw myself into ballet and school. I dragged Alice to practice more than usual, and spent all the time I could warming up and perfecting my steps the best that I could.

Still, the void wasn't filled. I texted Edward a few times, hoping to keep the conversation light, but his answers were vague and uncharacteristically short. He never called, so neither did I. And I felt so guilty for what I had done. He had come all the way here to see me for my birthday, and I had gone and ruined. Part of me was saying that it wasn't my fault- I couldn't really control the way I was feeling. But another part of me was screaming that I should have never let Edward go like that.

However, if I hadn't done it, we both would have been dealing with a lie. I could not see myself as the girl who married her first boyfriend and settled down immediately. There was nothing wrong with that, not at all, but it simply wasn't me. I was overly cautious about everything as it was, and this whole messy situation with Edward was no different. How was I supposed to know if Edward was the right one if I didn't even know what the wrong one was?

I saw Marcus around several times. He was in my English class, and we ran into each other sometimes outside of class. He was…nice. Fun to be around. Smart. I let him buy me coffee once, even though I was totally unsure about the whole thing. He asked me about my boyfriend at one point, and I had blushed and stammered and sputtered before spitting out that 'it's complicated', and 'we're taking a little time'. Luckily, he didn't try anything. It was a good thing, because if he had, I would have no idea what to do.

I guess things will just have to progress more naturally.

By the time November rolls around, I'm drained both physically and emotionally. I hadn't spoken to Edward since October first, with the exception of a few texts and one voicemail I pitifully left on his cell phone, which he hadn't replied to. I knew that I had been the one to mess things up and draw up lines and boundaries…but it still hurt that he seemed to be ignoring me. I talked to my dad at least once a week, and once I had gotten the courage to ask about Edward.

My dad had been quiet for a minute, and then had simply replied with, 'all the guys are doing fine'. Nothing specific. No real answers. But I should have known better to expect that from my dad…that's how he is. He's content to skim over things and just forget the bad parts, unlike me. I over think and pick and pull at things until I have the complete picture.

I couldn't help but think about Edward often. It was my own fault- I had thought about him so much before, now it almost felt natural. But in all actuality, it was hurting me.

I remembered the look on his face when I told him how I felt about our long distance relationship, and I remembered the way he kissed me before he left to catch his plane back to Washington. But most of all, I remembered how sweet he was to me. The cute text messages and voicemails, the caring gestures, and the way he treated me overall. It could have been wonderful, if only the circumstances were different.

But this was Juilliard. This was my future. And I couldn't give it up, no matter how I felt about Edward. Unfortunately, the more I tried to keep my focus off Edward, the more I missed him. I started texting him more and more, and just felt worse when his replies didn't reflect the man I remembered.

Tonight, I want a real answer. Alice and Angela and all the other girls had gone out to dinner, but I had decided to stay at the dorm. I was so tired, and I was feeling more and more down. Alice and Angela were constantly trying to get me out of my 'funk', but they weren't exactly successful. I had dug myself this whole, and unfortunately I wasn't quite sure how to get out.

I held my cell phone in my hand, just sitting there and looking at it for a long time. Then I took a deep breath and punched in Edward's number, which I had memorized at this point. It rang for a long time, and then switched over to voicemail. Tears of disappointment prickled in my eyes, and I had to sniffle and clear my throat before the beep that indicated I could leave a message.

"Hey, it's me. Um, you know, Bella…look, I know you're really busy. I know that. But…is everything okay? I have a really bad feeling that you just kind of are avoiding me and honestly I hate that. I know I was the one to kind of put a hold on our, um, romantic relationship, but part of that reasoning was that I want to be friends first. And it doesn't feel like we're friends. It kind of feels like you hate me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to sound like that." I sighed, frustrated with myself. "Uh, anyway, please just call me back. I miss you and I miss being able to just have a normal conversation with you. I don't know when you work or anything, so please call me when you're off. I…I really miss you, Smokey."

I hung up the phone and threw it next to me on the bed, wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt as I did so. I hated feeling like this. I hated that I had done this to myself, and that it is pretty much all my fault.

The part I hate the most, worst part of it all, was that I can't bring myself to entirely regret my decision to put a halt on our relationship. I feel bad about it, and a lot of the time I wish I hadn't done it, but I couldn't deny that it had probably been the right thing to do. I had never had a boyfriend before, let alone one that lived across the country.

Whew, it's almost two in the morning! Definitely time for me to get some sleep! Goodnight and please review, let me know what's on your mind.

And oh, I still don't have a story length figured out…this one might run a little long and I'm already thinking about a sequel. We'll see how that works out in the long run, I suppose. So…like I said, I'm headed to bed. I hope you enjoyed, and thanks so much for putting up with the delay!

Xoxo- Melodyella aka Mellie