Glee - no, I don't own it. Neither the characters. Except Jenna and Carmen, they are not in the original Glee show.
Merry x-mas, this chapter comes with a red bow :-)
Chapter 8
Quinn was on the phone with her friend Jenna. As promised she had called her to learn about the audition when her mobile buzzed on the couch table. She lifted her feet of the tabletop and bent to retrieve the device. A text message was waiting for her. Curiously she checked whom it came from.
"Oh!"
"What 'oh'? Quinn, are you paying attention to what I'm saying?" Quinn heard her friend complain.
"Sorry Jenna. I just received a text." The blonde did not avert her eyes from the name that was displayed on her phone.
"So? Read it later!" Jenna was annoyed. "You already left me fighting for myself this morning!" She then teased Quinn with a little smile. "At least you could devote your unconditional attention to me for now." Jenna knew how important the encounter with Rachel had been for her older friend that day and was already aware of what had transpired between the two after their initial meeting in front of the Beacon. So she was not really angry.
"It's from Rachel." Quinn managed after a moment.
"Oh."
"Exactly." Quinn had to laugh a little.
She had gotten to know Jenna at Yale, where Quinn was two years her senior. There was a buddy program at the university that paired older students with freshmen. Quinn had shown the younger girl around the campus, had helped her getting settled and both girls noticed that they were on the same wave length. For the past four years, even after Quinn graduated, they kept in contact, having become close friends.
Right now Quinn was helping Jenna preparing for auditions, one of them taking place at the Beacon Theater.
Quinn had not been able to talk to anyone about her situation with Rachel when she was at Yale. She just could not confess her fears to her old friends. She feared they would not understand. Not even Santana, whom she usually told everything. Had she given her friends a chance, they might have understood and maybe together they would have been able to find a solution which she could have lived with.
In retrospect, everything about her own behavior seemed so wrong, but she could not change the past.
Often hanging out in the halls of Yale with her new friend, Quinn still had not counted on Jenna's perceptiveness. The girl had noted more than once that Quinn ignored her phone. Not that it was unusual, but every time she had received a call, Quinn had that desperate, longing look on her face that was replaced by guilt as soon as the ringing stopped. It was always the same ringtone, different from the others that Quinn had on her cell phone.
So one day Jenna confronted her with it. After Jenna had voiced her observation, Quinn had said nothing at first, only had looked long and hard at her friend. And then decided she had to come clear after some hesitation. She needed to get this off her chest. Somehow it had seemed easier talking to a person that did not know Rachel Berry and their history together. At one point when Quinn was halfway through her story, Jenna had placed her hand on Quinn's forearm.
"I think you are still in love with Rachel." She simply stated.
Quinn remembered how shocked she had been at that revelation. That comment had rendered her speechless for a while. When she was finally able to utter a coherent sentence, she was outraged.
"What do you mean still? And why do you think I am in love with her in the first place? YOU. ARE. NUTS!" And with every word Quinn had stabbed an accusing finger at Jenna.
Jenna had just laughed at the outburst.
"No, I am not. But you are. You are nuts for Rachel Berry!"
Jenna watched Quinn gasp for air and then for something to say. When she did not come up with a retort, Jenna prodded on.
"Quinn, you don't see that absolute look of longing, hope, temptation and disappointment on your face every time your phone tells you she is either calling or sending a message. It is incredible how many emotions her calls can evoke in you. Those feelings are written so clearly on your face, one would have to be blind to not notice."
And Quinn had thought she was perfect at hiding her turmoil behind a well fitted mask. Apparently her mask was made of glass.
She bowed her head and sighed, her resolve crumbling.
"Ok, I guess, I… well. I guess I did not even want myself to know how much she means to me. Though I really care for Rachel, I cannot be near her." Then she had gone on explaining the reason to Jenna and the younger woman could understand her actions to a certain degree. Though that did not make them any more right.
Now, a long time later, telling Jenna about the text she just received from Rachel naturally triggered an empathetic reaction from Quinn's friend. Even though the whole understanding was wrapped in a simple "oh".
"What does it say? Does she want to see you again?"
Quinn played with her mobile in her hands. "I don't know. I haven't read it yet. I think I am a bit afraid of what it might say." She said.
"Quinn Fabray! Don't even think about starting this whole song and dance with that poor woman again. You can't just barge into her life as you did today and then chicken out again! Open the damn text now and read it!" Jenna was adamant.
"Ok, ok, I was not going to ignore it, you know! And I am not planning on chickening out as you so nicely put it. I swore that to myself." Quinn defended herself, but she wasn't angry with her friend as what she had said rang true. But Quinn also knew that she could not and she would not back out again.
"I'm just… hoping that it might say something positive…" She sighed. "Can I call you back?"
"What? You'll leave me hanging here just like that? After all the drama I have witnessed?" Jenna grumbled. Then she let out a good natured laugh. "Sure. But only if you promise a) to tell me what Rachel said and b) to listen to me ranting on about my successful performance at the audition today!"
"I promise!" Quinn solemnly declared with a smile.
When she had hung up, Quinn opened the text message from Rachel.
After reading it twice, a smile started to slowly spread across her face.
Hi Quinn.
I have just listened to your message. … Maybe we can talk again.
I still have so many questions I would like to ask.
Perhaps we could have dinner one of the evenings this week? If you are free, that is.
And if it is not too much to ask.
Rachel
Quinn's heartbeat quickened as she read the message. Rachel wanted to see her again! Oh God, that was almost more than she had wished for!
Though a little part of her brain wondered what she had meant by she had "listened" to her voice message that she had left the other day. Well, maybe Rachel would explain it to her if she asked.
... ... ...
Rachel felt the phone in her hand vibrate. She noticed that she had never laid it aside after sending the text to Quinn. She tried to stop the whirling thoughts in her head. Would Quinn still be interested in seeing her again?
She took a deep breath and checked.
Hi Rachel!
Of course I would like to have dinner with you! I am very glad you asked.
Friday would be fine, I only have a matinee show and I'm free afterwards.
And no, this is not too much to ask, Rachel. I'm deeply grateful that you actually did!
Quinn
Rachel pressed the phone to her chest and smiled. For the first time in a long time she felt some happiness rise in her. This felt good! And for once she managed to keep the demons at bay that lured on the sidelines of her mind to fill her head again with doubts. Only this time, Rachel would not let them in.
She occupied her mind by checking the options for that evening. She was not a great cook, so dinner at her place was out of the question. Though, they could order take away. But that seemed too shabby if she invited Quinn to come over and then served food out of cardboard boxes. That left only one other option which was going to a restaurant. Besides the vegan place they went for lunch together, all the other restaurants she remembered to serve great food were the ones she went to before the accident. So those were out of the question. Someone might recognize her and start asking uncomfortable questions. She was not ready to cope with that yet.
She was running out of options of where to go with Quinn in her self-imposed exile.
While she was still raking her brain to find a solution, the phone came to life in her hands again. She looked down and noticed another message from Quinn.
She probably wanted to know when and where they would meet. Honestly, Rachel would have very much liked to meet at a quiet place. Preferably her own apartment. This would make it easier to concentrate on the conversation they would have. Maybe take-away would be the final option then. Though it would mean to let someone enter her sanctuary, the only place she felt more or less safe and calm.
Her eyes dropped to the phone and Quinn's second text surprised her. Has she just read her thoughts?
Can I invite you over to my place for a self-cooked dinner? All vegan, of course.
Then, in a light bantering mood the message continued.
If you don't want to come to my apartment, how about a late picnic at the park?
Or a stroll through the Bronx at night with a hot dog?
These are your options. Choose wisely. :-)
Quinn
Rachel had to chuckle and quickly typed an answer.
Do you want to get us killed, Quinn Fabray? Not with your cooking, but with your other two suggestions…
Huh, tough choice… I need time to think.
Quinn's answer came right away.
Rachel, I apologize if I was pushing again. Please, take all the time you need.
Just tell me where you would feel comfortable to meet.
Just for once Rachel had not intended to lay-off, it was meant as a joke that she had to think about the options. She quickly tried to explain.
Quinn, I didn't mean I needed to think about having dinner at all. I had to think
about the incredible sensible choices you offered. :-)
After some thorough though short thinking, I would vote for option one then.
Seems to be the least dangerous.
After a moment, she sent another text right after.
I'm sorry I overreacted so much today. I'm just not used to connecting much with other people anymore…
I am glad you held me back.
... ... ...
Quinn felt warmth spreading through her when she read Rachel's confession. For a long while she searched for the right words to answer, until they finally sprang to her mind. Though she dismissed them almost immediately. It would not be appropriate to send them to Rachel. It would most probably destroy everything they had achieved. Because these words would surely awaken old memories of a kind that Rachel might not want to be awakened.
However, as hard as she tried, Quinn's thoughts always returned to the same phrases. There was just no better way to express her feelings in that moment. Should she take the chance?
She went to her laptop and opened her e-mail program. Then she began drafting a message to Rachel.
Dear Rachel,
I am very grateful for your honesty and that you gave me another chance. I often felt unworthy of your friendship so many times in the past and I do feel so just now. I'm so ashamed of how I treated you. I have wronged you so many times and still you never pushed me away.
Please know that I meant every word I said today. If you need me, I will be here for you. No more hiding, no more running away from my side.
I'm not good with voicing my feelings. I'm not even good at recognizing them in the first place. But I'd like to try to let you know, so I'll borrow the description for them from someone else. They still come with all my heart. And I didn't choose to portray them as a way to hurt you, please believe me. They just express what I feel, what I wish for you, for us… to become friends again…
Quinn
…
Wanna cry for you
Would it do any good?
If I rained for you
It would just be water
And the night is with you
And the storm's in your hand
And you're down and you're down
And I can't lift you
I'm powerless to change your world
I'm powerless to stop the hurt
Wanna run for you
Would it do any good?
If I flew for you
You would still be standing
And it's hard watching
'cause I'm part of you
And it's hard not to
Not to know what I can do
I'm powerless to change your world
I'm powerless to stop the hurt
I'm trying hard to be your tower of strength
I'm trying hard to bring you back to joy
I'll give you my heart, give you my shoulder
Give you my heart, give you my shoulder
When the night just cuts you through
And the dream is lost to you
When you're worried and confused
I will give you my heart give you my shoulder
over and over
I will give you my heart give you my shoulder
Quinn's pointer hovered over the send button. Then she decided that she must have been crazy, wanting to send a song text to Rachel. That would be like sticking a knife into an open wound. And how would she take all the references to give you my heart? This song was not intended as a love confession, but rather to tell Rachel that she wanted to be someone she could lean on and draw strength from.
Then again, Quinn already knew that she had given her heart away. Not since today, but already a long time ago. Still, that was not what she intended to tell Rachel. Not yet anyway. So she would better delete this e-mail or at least the song text.
She jumped when her phone rang, accidentally bumping her hand against the mouse. With horror she watched the "send" button being marked and the text disappeared. In shock, she stared at the screen.
That. Did. Not. Just. Happen.
No, she did not accidentally send this message. Not after she had just decided that it would not be appropriate for a number of reasons.
Nonononononono! That did not just happen!
"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" Quinn exclaimed and then hid her face behind her hands. "What did I do?"
She sat motionless in her chair and let the ice cold shower of dread wash over her.
After the initial shock ebbed away and her brain seemed to start working again, she figured she had two choices now. Either wait and see or send another message apologizing profoundly, hoping that Rachel would understand.
In the end she opted for sending a text, just in case Rachel had not browsed her e-mails yet. Maybe she could convince her to delete it before reading it.
Rachel, I am so sorry. Please delete the e-mail I've just sent you.
I sent it by mistake before it was finished and I didn't want to come across as
being insensitive and stupid and… please delete it. Please!
It's not that I don't mean what I wrote, it's just that the way I expressed it is so wrong.
Quinn.
Deflated, she sat in her chair.
That was it.
In one stupid, selfish act she had done it again. She had hurt and disappointed Rachel, she had destroyed everything. She was so shocked that not even tears could fall. It was as if an ice cold layer had covered her up. Quinn was unable to move and think. She could only stare unseeingly at the screen that still displayed the traitorous "sent" information.
The phone had stopped ringing at some point. Whoever it was, she did not care. She felt the iron fist gripping her heart and squeezing it tight again.
The song is Heart and Shoulder from Heather Nova
