A/N: I am so proud of this chapter! It is my longest chapter yet, at 3,050 words and 7 pages (without the author's note even) I wrote this chapter by myself, and I quite like it, because Lucius is back in it! I may have mutilated his character a bit, making him more...ahem...feminine than he probably is, but oh well, he was asking for it with his hair. I would (once again) like to encourage you people to REVIEW, for the love of all things sacred REVIEW! Okay now, shoo, go read (if you were even reading this that is) 3

The next day Snape woke to a quiet house. Upon entering the kitchen, he found a note on the counter.

Sevvy,

Went to Diagon Alley with Draco, Ron and Hermione. Back after Sirius gets home. See you later Sev!

-Harry

Snape crumpled up the note, tossing it into the wastebasket. 'Finally, a day to myself.' he thought, hopefully, as he went to the bathroom. But no sooner had he stepped out of the shower and gotten dressed, than the doorbell rang. 'What's with all these bloody people coming to our door all of a sudden?' he wondered to himself 'Are we loved?' Snape scoffed. 'Not bloody likely.' He opened to door. Lucius Malfoy stood at the door, "Hello Severus."

"Lucius, what are you doing here?" he asked, genuinely surprised. Lucius sighed. "I'm here because the author loves my character, and decided I needed to come back into the story, and she doesn't need a reason, okay?" he said, then whacked Snape with his cane. "Ow!" Snape said, rubbing his head gingerly, "What was that for?"

"For being a dumbass and making me explain all that. Can't a friend just surprise his newly married mutual friend with a visit?" Lucius said simply, walking past Snape into the living room. They were silent for a while. "So what do you want to do?" Snape asked. Lucius was quiet for a minute. "Wanna do each other's nails?" he asked, out of nowhere. "Okay," Snape said unenthusically. They both stood still for a moment, then clasped hands and jumped up and down, squealing excitedly. "Wow that was weird," Snape said, snapping out of it. "Yeah but it wouldn't kill you to be a little out of character for once would it? I do it all the time!" Lucius said proudly. "Now c'mon!" he said, excitedly. "This is gonna be so much fun!"

Ten minutes later they were sprawled out on the bedroom floor, clutching pillows giggling, doing each other's toenails. "So this is your bedroom, hmm?" Lucius said, while painting Snape's toenails silver and green (Slytherin colors, whoo!) "I see you guys cough share a bed huh? That must be fun."

"We have to. Ministry's orders. Fudge wouldn't let us split the bed or let one of us sleep on the couch." Snape said, applying more pink nail polish (Lucius's color choice, of course) to Lucius's big toe. "Well it can't be that bad. I mean that Sirius Black, grrrowl." A second later Lucius's face contorted in shock. "I can't believe I just said that!" he exclaimed, apparently disgusted with himself. "Isn't he related to you?" Snape asked, working his way to the next toe.

"Yes, he's Narcissa's cousin...I think. So that means he's like my second- cousin. Or is he a half cousin? Is there even such a thing?" Lucius asked.

"I don't really know, Lucius."

"No wait, isn't he Narcissa's sister's cousin? Er, wait, that's the same thing."

"I thought he was Bellatrix's cousin."

"He is...er, I think. So then he's my third-cousin? Or is he two halfs of a cousin? That'd make him a whole cousin then."

"Lucius, that doesn't make any sense...Two halfs of a first-cousin?"

"Damn me and my lack of knowledge of genealogy...what kind of Malfoy am I?!?!?"

"Apparently the kind that spends his day painting toenails and such."

"Oh...you have a point there." Lucius said, smacking Snape fiercely with a pillow. "Either way, it still results in incest, so it doesn't really matter."

"But aren't you only related by marriage, not blood?" Snape pointed out smugly, as he did the last toe, and closed the polish bottle. "Don't make this more complicated than it already is Severus." Lucius said, putting his hand to his forehead. "It's giving me a headache." he said, as he put the finishing touches on Snape's toes. "Okay done!" he said cheerily.

"Let's play truth or dare!" Lucius squealed with excitement. "I'll go first, truth or dare, Sev?"

"Er...truth." Snape said uncertainly. Lucius grinned evilly. "Okay, is Black good in bed? Because I always thought--"

"What?!!? Lucius you little pervert, why do you want to know that?"

"Just answer the question..." Lucius replied in a sing-song voice.

"Well, I...er...don't know." Snape said truthfully.

"What do you mean you don't know!?" Lucius exclaimed, his eyes wide in horror.

"We haven't shagged, if that's what you mean." Snape said, glaring at his friend.

"But...you're married!! What did you do on the wedding night, then?" Lucius asked, utterly baffled.

"We slept." he said pointedly.

"Oh Gods, how boring." Lucius said with a yawn.

"He's my worst enemy and he thinks I'm a greasy git, what'd you expect!"

"Well I expected you'd at least be getting some now that you're married, but obviously I was wrong..." Lucius said with a sneer.

"Shut up you. And only I can sneer, stop that." Snape said, "Well now that you're done analyzing my bedroom life, it's my turn. Truth or Dare?"

"Dare." he said grinning. "I dare you to call Arthur Weasley and pretend that you're a salesman selling...." Snape leaned over and whispered the product in Lucius's ear.

"You sick twisted little man." Lucius said as he reached over to the telephone, even though logically neither Snape nor the Weasleys would have a telephone (it being a Muggle device and all), and dialed Arthur's number, muttering about a stupid mud-blood lover.

Snape narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "How'd you know his number without looking it up?"

"Uhhh..." Lucius stammered. "I guessed. Shhh it's ringing."

At the Burrow

Arthur Weasley walked over to the telephone that was ringing shrilly on a desk in the living room. 'Why do we have a telephone?' he thought to himself, confused. 'And where the hell did that desk come from?' he cautiously picked up the receiver. "H-Hello?" he said.

Back at Grimmauld Place

"Yes Hello, is this Arthur Weasley?"

"Yes, can I help you?"

"Yes, my name is Luc-damn it, I mean Larry....Larry MacBeth."

"Good fake name Luce, you've still got the same initials." Snape snickered.

"Shove it Severus!" he hissed back. "Now be quiet!"

"As I was saying Mr. Weasley, I represent the FFC Corporation. Fruity Flavored Condoms. We were wondering if you'd like a free sample." Lucius said, watching Snape dissolve into silent giggles.

"I...er..." Mr. Weasley stammered, growing red over the phone.

"They come in five different flavors: cherry, lemon, kiwi, jasmine, and cinnamon." Lucius said in a businessman-like voice, before covering the receiver trying to stifle his laughter.

"I--hey wait...Lucius?...Lucius Malfoy, is that you?"Arthur said, finally recognizing the voice despite the atrociously fake French accent.

"Shit. I mean, er....no....I'm sorry Mr. Weasley I have to go, my associate Mr. Steven Salisbury and I are late for lunch!"

"I know it's you Malfoy! I'll get you for this!"

"I'll send you some pamphlets, Weasel." he cried before hanging up.

Snape and Lucius looked at each other and cracked up. "We really had him going for a while," Lucius said through his laughter. "I'm assuming Steven Salisbury was me? Even though my initials aren't SS anymore, I might add..." Snape said. "Oh yeah, I forgot." Lucius said. "My turn, truth or dare?"

"Truth." Snape said automatically. Lucius grinned. "What are you afraid to say dare?" he asked.

"From you? Yes. Terribly afraid. And with good reason." Snape retorted.

"Fine. Is Black a good kisser, then?" Lucius asked.

"Honestly, what is with you and asking about him?" Snape asked, astonished.

"Well, I just want to know about the love of my dearest friend Sevvy's life." he said in a sickening sweet voice. "His knight in shining armor, who whisked him off his feet and into a fairytale. The man who makes his heart sing. The man who--" Lucius was cut off, as he dodged being viciously waked with his own cane. "Well answer the question Sev, and tell the truth, or I'll get out some Veritaserum and then ask you..." Lucius said with a malicious smile.

"Well, I don't know, really. He only kissed me once at the wedding, remember? And that was over pretty fast, so I didn't have time to tell." Snape said, feeling the need to blush like a schoolgirl, which had to be a first in his thirty-something years of life.

"That's it?!?!? Once?" Lucius gasped. "That is the last straw Severus! We are going to do something about this problem right now. You're married for Gods sake! I dare you to kiss him as soon as he gets home and walks through the door!"

"Hey, you can't do that! I picked truth!" Snape protested.

"Oh right. Well then, we'll make a bet. If you kiss him I pay you, you chicken out, you pay me." Lucius said, determined.

"No way," Snape said, crossing his arms. "No amount of money is enough to do that."

"Oh stop being a baby Severus. How 'bout 1000 galleons?"

"Make it 1500 and we got a deal."

"1250, no more, no less."

"Done."

"Great," Lucius said shaking hands with his old friend. "Now let's go watch some Muggle TV!" he cried happily, scampering into the other room, humming happily to himself.

Two hours later...

Snape and Lucius we're plopped down on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and some tissues in front of the television. They had already watched Days of Our Lives and All my Children and we're now watching Steel Magnolias. "Poor Julia Roberts!" Lucius sobbed, burying his head in Severus's shoulder sobbing. He had been tearing through box after box of tissues ever since the opening credits. Snape patted his friend on the shoulder sympathetically. "Okay, let's watch something else." Lucius said, dabbing his eyes with is famous pink handkerchief and flipping through the channels.

"OOOh Lord of the Rings is on! That Orlando's awesome, I love that hair!" Snape stared. "It looks EXACTLY like yours!" Lucius stared at his friend like he'd just grown six purple tentacles. "It does not!" he cried indignantly. "My hair has much more bounce than his, and look at those split ends!" he said, gesturing towards the TV. "Whatever you say Luce," he said, watching him flip through and issue of Victoria's Secret. "Oh this would look so cute on me..er..I mean on Narcissa!" he cried, pointing at piece of leather lingerie. Snape shook his head sadly. "You have problems Lucius."

Lucius sighed. "I'm bored." he said sadly. "How long until Black gets home?" he asked grinning mischievously. Snape looked at the clock on the wall. "We should be home in two hours...Why....??" he asked suspiciously. "Oh no reason..." Lucius said, getting up and walking behind Snape. "I just thought maybe we should freshen you up a bit before he gets home is all."

"Freshen up?" he asked, narrowing his eyes. "Oh please Sev!" Lucius said, practically begging him. Snape sighed. "Even though I am morally against it, some greater force (that's me!) is making me reluctantly agree." Lucius flung his arms around his friend. "Yay!" he squealed happily. "C'mon Severus, it's time for your makeover!" he shouted happily, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him into the bedroom.

...

Severus was sitting in a chair, his head leaned back in a sink, (yes they are in the bathroom now) Lucius washing his hair and telling old stories from back when they were at Hogwarts. "--And so then I hung him up from the Whomping Willow by his robes and said 'That'll teach you to sneak into my door and steal my pink underwear!'..." Lucius finished triumphantly. "Yes Lucius, I remember that day like it was yesterday. Black was scared for life after that I'm sure." he said with a smirk. The he frowned slightly. "Lucius why are YOU washing my hair, why can't we just magically wash it?" he asked suddenly.

Lucius sighed impatiently. "Because it's done better by hand. And you need a lot of work, no offence intended," he said. "You're lucky you have some one of my talents to help you." Snape snorted. "You're talents?? You remember that time you went up that sycamore tree to get a cat down and got stuck up there yourself? Took us a whole three hours to get you down. That's talent alright." he said, snickering. "That was once Severus!" he said angrily. "And stop fidgeting and let me finish," he said calming down as he looked at the clock.

Yet another two hours later...

...

"I'm home." Sirius said, walking in to a seemingly empty house. 'Where is everyone?' he thought. "Coming!" he heard Snape call back. He heard rustling from the bedroom and saw the door open. "Sna-I mean Severus, where's Harry? If he's out with that Malfoy boy again I'll--" he said, stopping short when he saw Snape emerge. Sirius's eyes widened. This man couldn't be Snape....could he?? His normally greasy hair was clean and well, silky looking. He was wearing leather pants and a tight black silk shirt that showed off the body that you never see behind those robes. Sirius knew the students at Hogwarts often made jokes about him, calling him scrawny, but that wasn't exactly accurate. He had a small muscle build for such a thin, pale man. "Hey," Snape said carelessly striding over to Sirius. Snape smiled at the dumbfounded look on his face. Sirius noticed when he smiled his teeth were straight and white, so white it was almost blinding. As he got closer, Sirius could smell that he was wearing a sweet-smelling (and very expensive, thank you Lucius) cologne. All in all, he looked good. More than good in fact, but Sirius wasn't quite ready to admit that yet.

Sirius was caught off-guard. "Severus, what is this all abo-" Sirius managed, before Snape placed his hands behind his head and pulled him into a long kiss. Sirius gasped, which allowed him to slip his tongue into Sirius's mouth. It was at that point Harry happened to get home from Diagon Alley. He walked in about to speak, when he caught site of his godfather and the words died in his mouth. Harry stood there in awe. "Why is it I always miss everything interesting that happens?" he whispered aloud quietly. "Tell me about it." said a voice from behind the sofa. "Mr. Malfoy?" Harry asked, perplexed.

Snape could have sworn he felt Sirius kiss him back, before Snape pulled away, desperate for air. Snape just stared at him, watching his reaction. Sirius stood there in what seemed like a (happy) daze before he finally snapped out of it. "What the bloody hell was that all about?" he asked shakily, recovering quickly. "Uh hi Sirius...Hi Severus." Harry said, feeling like an intruder. Sirius and Snape both realized his presence for the first time, and Sirius felt himself go red.

"P-Pay up Malfoy." Snape said to the sofa. Sirius looked confused. "Alright, alright." Lucius said, coming out from behind it. Lucius handed him his 1250 galleons, with a smug expression. "I'll uh show you to the door," Snape said, avoiding Lucius's eyes, and leaving Sirius to try and explain to Harry.

"Well..?" Lucius whispered when they reached the door. "He is a really good kisser." Snape mumbled, knowing Lucius would just put Truth Serum into his tea if he didn't tell him. Lucius wore a very self-satisfied smile. "I knew it..." he said in a sing-song voice. "Yeah, yeah." Snape said looking down at the ground, sheepishly. "Well you can thank me later, I better get going before Black kicks me out. I'm taking Narcissa and Draco out for dinner tonight anyway. And I do believe you have some explaining to do..." he continued happily. "I'll stop by in a day or two, once things have cooled down a bit." he said with a wink. "Oh and Congrats Severus, you finally got a good snog!" he cried, before raising his wand (which is the top half of his cane, in case you didn't know that) and Disapparating to Malfoy Manor, snickering at his own cleverness.

Snape shut the door. 'Oh I'll get him for that.' he thought to himself.

...

"So you had a bet with Malfoy?" Sirius concluded after Snape finished explaining everything. "How much did you get?"

"One thousand and two hundred and fifty galleons, why?" Snape told him. Sirius whistled appreciatively. "Wow I didn't know I was worth that much to you, Why Sevvy, I'm touched," Snape stayed silent, having no retort, witty or otherwise.

"Okay, well give it here." Sirius said, indicating his out-stretched hand. "What? No! Why?" Snape said appalled. "It's my money! I uh earned it." he said, blushing slightly at this. "Yes, well we're married now. And there is no such thing as MY money anymore, it's OUR money." He said grinning. "He has a point you know..." Harry said, siding with Sirius. Snape grumbled unhappily, but he forked over the money. Snape was about to say something else too, but just then the phone rang (yes, that damn Muggle device again)

Sirius looked confused. "When did we get a phone?" he asked. "No idea." Harry said, he too looking puzzled. Sirius looked at Snape. Snape shrugged. "How should I know? It's your house." he said nonchalantly. "It's your house too you know." Sirius said softly, almost tenderly. Snape looked up at him to see he was staring intently at him. Their eyes locked and Snape was almost about to say something nice before he was, once again, interrupted. "Accio Phone." Sirius said quietly, breaking the gaze. The phone flew across the room and into his hand. "Uh Hello." he said.

He listened for a moment. "No you cannot have a year's free supply of condoms!!!" he shouted. "No this ISN'T Lucius Malfoy! Why you--" Harry snatched the phone away from him. "Hello?" he said, laughing at his godfather's outburst. Harry was silent, listening. "Mr. Weasley??!??!?!? Is that you?!??!" he asked incredulously, not believing what he was hearing. "It is you! Oh wait till I tell Ron and Ginny!" Harry said, doubling over with laughter. Even Sirius had to laugh.

Sirius walked over to Snape, who had taken this opportunity to slink away to the other side the room and innocently face the other direction. Sirius lay his hand on Snape's shoulder, making him turn around and face him. "You didn't happen to have anything to do with this, did you?" Sirius asked, grinning knowingly. "Not a thing." Snape said, a small smile playing about his lips.

A/N: I think Lucius did a good job on the makeover...don't you? XD