The Worst Night Ever: Part 4
Gray is a strange color. It's a muddled thing, ugly, but serene. Some might call it depressing, but I just call it empty. The sky is dimly shaded in the hue. The sun will rise soon. Classes will begin, and I'll be forced to leave her side again for long lectures and longer battle drills. Weiss will be excused, of course, because they're partners, and Weiss belongs at Ruby's side.
...I can't help feeling angry about it...
Rage is not an emotion I understand very well. At least, not when in regards to my own temper. That's Yang's domain, or Weiss on a bad day, but, not mine. I've never been this…angry at myself before. This…disgusted. Yang could smear me across the ground and I'd let her. I deserve it. I'd throw myself at the mercy of Cardin right now, if I thought his malignant hatred of Faunus culture could possibly bring any good from this. If my suffering would bring any pleasure to Ruby, in some sick, twisted, unjustifiable and horrible way...I'd still do it without question.
It's insulting, to the both of us. Ruby would never...fuck, I would never think that way...or, maybe it's because I've never been given a reason to think that way...Either way, this is not what I can become. Not now. I growl to myself as I bite my lower lip. I've got to be better than this, and that's the whole damn issue. I owe her to be better than this, she needs better than me.
Ruby looks like she's in so much pain as her head lulls to the side, and she looks at me.
"Go back to the dorm." She orders.
"I can't." I say, trying to keep my voice level. I know I've failed when her hand reaches for mine.
"You can." Ruby says quietly, her voice so raw from all the smoke. It's dry, raspy, not like the normal sound I love so much.
"I can't. I want to, but I just can't. Ruby, you don't understand."
"What don't I understand?"
"It's….nothing… Never mind." I can't tell her.
"It's something. What is it?" She asked weakly, a coughing fit tormenting her in the aftermath.
I wait for it to subside, and ease a small paper cup of water to her parted lips, trickling the cool and clear substance as slowly as possible, so she won't choke. I hear her pained swallow, the force she requires to do even that tiny little task. Her eyes close, and she takes a breath, and I hope beyond all reasonable hope that she doesn't press the conversation…but then her eyes open again, fixating on me, and I feel my heart shatter under her gaze.
"Blake, what is it that I don't understand?" She presses, this time, there's a harder undercurrent to voice. One she intends to be there. "Why aren't you telling me?" I feel like there are unspoken accusations there. Ruby's not…she's not then vindictive. She would never imply something like that, but all I can hear ringing in my ears are words she hasn't said. Words I'm waiting for her to say.
"I did a bad thing."
"What did you do?" She asks, but it lacks the same sort of vengeful malice I was expecting.
"I…" Couldn't protect her. I put her life in danger, and the ramifications of that are clear as day. I did this. That's the only thing I know for sure. My actions, or lack of them, somehow, caused this. This could have, should have been different somehow. "I fucked up, and now I can't even close my eyes."
She doesn't understand how close she came…
We almost…No, I almost…lost her.
I almost lost the woman I love.
She's waiting for me to elaborate, but what else can I possibly say? "I can't just relax! If I close my eyes, you'll be gone." I sob, feeling my heart go numb again. It feels like a backwards heavenly sort of bliss. "I can't lose you."
At least, compared to the stabbing ache I feel at the thought of losing her. That's become my greatest fear. My worst nightmare. One I never thought I could have, one I doubted could even exist before tonight. Now, I know the truth. I see how mortal she truly is, how fragile our lives together remain.
And, our love is finite. There are limits, and they can bend, perhaps even break under pressure. I know this now. Never mind the constructs of society. The bewilderment at the idea that someone could stray from the social norm. The racial discrimination, or the fact that we're huntresses. Forget all if that. It doesn't matter. Only one thing does, and that one thing is beyond everything else.
Ruby Rose is simply a mortal woman, she's not invincible. She never was. She never will be.
"I can't bury you, Ruby." I can feel my eyes burning, salty tears just streaming down my face. I can't stop them. There are just too many things I can't do right now. Too many things I doubt I'd ever have the strength to do if it ever came down to it. "I won't. Not in a dream. Never in reality. I won't."
I feel the back of one if her hands press into my cheek. My instinct is to nuzzle into that affection, but I stay still. I have to. I won't press against the bandage, or the wound I know is feasting underneath that loosely tied cloth. She presses harder, and I hear the murmur of agony that slips passed her lips. It's hurting her to do this. To stretch, to move, to worry about me at all.
It's hurting her.
I'm hurting her.
Shit.
Why do I always do this?
"Blake…"
I wince, and fold my ears back. I don't want to hear it. I'm afraid to hear it.
"I love you." She says.
I know she does. There's no way she doesn't. She's too devoted. Too good of a person for someone like me. I say nothing. I can't say anything. My throat's all locked up, only broken sobs are leaking out. She doesn't deserve this, either.
She doesn't deserve any of this.
I'm shaking. I'm sure she can feel it. I hear the blankets rustle, but my eyes are shut tight too. Sound is too much, if I were to see, if I were to look into her eyes, I don't think I'd have any strength in me left. I hear her groan and mutter a curse, and as I pull away from the back of her hand, she grabs at my black strands of hair, and yanks, pulling me half onto the bed, and right into her arms. She grunts, and curses again…but I can't fight her, I can't.
It'll hurt her...but, then again, I know it hurts laying on her like this too.
It has to.
But she's holding fast, my Ruby Rose...
Why do we do this to ourselves?
