Chapter 8
"Dawn, I have an important question," Xander began. He and Dawn were sitting on the couch on opposite sides.
"What is it?" Dawn could feel the nervousness returning. Or was it panic? Fear? She wasn't sure. Maybe all of the above.
"It's about what happened," Xander elaborated.
"Go on," Dawn urged.
"Did you… Or do you… Feel like you were being taken advantage of?"
"No," Dawn answered without hesitation. "I wasn't the least bit uncomfortable with…what was happening. In fact, I was perfectly…" She paused, sighing. May as well come all out with it. No more secrets. "Perfectly happy with it. It didn't feel the least bit unnatural to me. It felt-"
"Long overdue," Xander cut in.
Looking away, she nodded. "Yes. Long overdue."
"Dawn, look at me," he ordered. Though, as soft as he'd said it, it sounded more like a plea to Dawn than an order. How could she refuse? As she turned to look at him, he scooted closer to her and took a piece of her hair and put it back behind her ear, like he'd done many times before. Looking at her, he immediately noticed her eyes and face were red from all the crying she'd done. Yet she still looked as beautiful as ever. Pushing the thought away, he said, "That's my dilemma as well. I enjoyed the kiss."
"You did?" she asked flatly, trying not to sound hopeful or excited.
"Yes," he answered, lightly stroking her face. "But Dawn, you're a minor… And there are laws…"
"They don't say that we can't be a couple," Dawn asserted. "They say that we can't have sex. I'm not sure I'm ready for that anyway, so if that's your only worry, then stop worrying. Besides, I'm only a minor for 4 more months."
"Yes, I know," Xander said, sighing.
"Could you be in a sexless relationship?" Dawn asked. She instantly regretted asking so bluntly, as she could tell from his facial expression that she'd taken him by surprise.
"I've been in one before," he finally answered, removing his hand from her face.
"Not with Anya," she joked, trying to lighten the mood.
He did manage to smile. "No, not with Anya. With Cordelia."
"That popular girl you supposedly dated in high school?"
"Yes. She and I never had sex. She wasn't my first. Faith was."
"Faith?" A look of disgust unwillingly appeared on Dawn's face. "When were you two a couple?"
"We never were," Xander muttered. "She kind of…seduced me. She kicked me out of her motel room right afterwards. Didn't even give me time to get dressed."
"Now that I can believe," Dawn remarked, shaking her head. "I'm glad she finally got herself together."
"All of humanity is," Xander said, laughing. "But let's not get sidetracked here. Yes, I can be in a sexless relationship. But that's not my only worry, no."
Dawn thought for a moment, then said, "Buffy."
Xander nodded. "If I lost her trust, and she took you back to Cleveland with her, I could never forgive myself."
"You want me to stay? Even after what's happened?"
"Yes, Dawn," he answered sincerely, taking her hand in his. "I want you to stay."
She smiled. The smile, however, faded as another question came to mind. "As just your friend or as…more?"
"I don't know yet," Xander said, sighing.
"Well, when did 'more' become even an option?"
"I never told you this, but you're one of the things that kept Anya and I from getting back together," Xander admitted. The confused look on her face told him he would need to elaborate. "Over the course of a year after I left her at the altar, an opportunity for us to get back together came up several times. I always turned it down. Always had an excuse on hand for why we shouldn't. Eventually, she stopped believing my excuses." He squeezed Dawn's hand. "I could see it in her eyes. Yet she never asked for the truth, or bothered to pull it out of me. She'd seen that you and I had gotten closer. Maybe she suspected it. But she never sought confirmation."
"Confirmation of what?" Dawn asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Of my newly developed interest," Xander answered.
"In me," Dawn finished.
"Yes. I'd begun to see you as you are."
"As I am?"
"Incredible," he stated, looking down at her hand in his. "I don't see you as Buffy's little sister anymore. I haven't for quite a while. But while I see you as beautiful, smart, and sweet, I also see you as forbidden, unattainable, and off-limits. At first, I wasn't sure if it was sincere interest, or if it was just some sick fantasy I was having out of loneliness. But fantasies don't usually last this long, so I guess it must be sincere." Looking back up at Dawn, he added, "Now, it's my turn to ask the question you asked me. When did 'more' become an option for you? I know back when you were 14 and first moved to Sunnydale you had a harmless little crush on me. When did those feelings return with a vengeance?"
"Who said they ever left?" was Dawn's witty response. "They didn't. Instead they grew. I just got better at hiding them. Not like I had any other choice."
"I'm sorry, Dawn."
"Don't worry about it. That was then, this is now."
He nodded as if he understood. "Up till tonight, I was too afraid to explore my own feelings. Too afraid of the feelings themselves. I thought they'd go away if I just ignored them. But they always managed to creep back up on me at the most unexpected times."
"Like tonight," Dawn said.
"Like tonight," he confirmed, sighing.
"So how do you explain the touchy-feelyness we've been doing lately? And the sleeping together. How did that start exactly? And why?"
"That was me toying with the idea of us being more than friends," Xander admitted, laughing. "Well, maybe 'toying' isn't the right word. Experimenting with the idea. Same with the kiss. I wanted an idea of what it would be like. What it would feel like."
"And what did it feel like?"
"Well, it certainly didn't feel wrong," Xander remarked, finally letting her hand go. "Still, my head tells me it should. It should feel very wrong. But the fact of the matter is, I haven't felt this much happiness in a long, long time. Not since Anya died. I know it'd be odd to regret happiness. Especially when it's not at anyone else's expense."
"Indeed it would be," Dawn agreed. "So don't. Don't regret it. We can take it slow. Take each day as it comes. We don't have to rush into anything. I want you to be able to be with me without worrying about what Buffy will think, or worrying about breaking some law that only applies to us for another 4 months. You've said so yourself that you don't see me as a child anymore. You see me as a grown woman."
"I just need time to think," Xander said. "Time to evaluate my feelings. What they are. The extent of them. How strong they are."
Dawn nodded. "I understand. And the morality of them."
"Of course," Xander said.
"Maybe, while you're doing that, it would be best if we stopped sleeping together," Dawn suggested. "Maybe we ought to start sleeping in our own bed again. Alone." She patted Xander's hand. "I know it makes us both happy, sleeping in each other's arms. But sometimes, in order to take a giant leap forward, one has to take a few steps backward to build the right momentum. I don't want you to be anymore uncomfortable than you already are."
"When you're right, you're right," Xander remarked, grinning. "My bed is probably missing 'alone time' with me anyway!"
"Mine too!" Dawn exclaimed, finally relaxed enough to lean back in the couch. She curled her legs up under her. Just then, Xander's expression turned serious again.
"Don't get me wrong," he began. "I loved Anya. I still do. Maybe I always will. She was my first love. But maybe, just maybe, I can learn to love another. Maybe I can find it in me."
"Xander, I'm honestly not looking to replace her," Dawn assured. "I know I couldn't. I'm not even going to try." She laughed. "But as difficult as she was known to be, I know she'd want you to move on. I know your feelings for me probably didn't matter as much right after she died, and probably took the back seat for a while because you were busy mourning her loss. But Xander, I guarantee you you deserve happiness. You're too wonderful a guy to spend the rest of your life alone. You deserve to find someone else to love."
"It amazes me how easygoing you're being about all this," Xander remarked. "But I'm glad for it at the same time."
"It's an act, really," Dawn admitted. "Inside I'm just as jumbled up as you are."
"Oh, Dawn, you don't have to put on an act for me," Xander said, pulling her into his arms. "Things will work themselves out, one way or another."
"I know they will," Dawn said, feeling him place his hand on the back of her head. "And as for Buffy, I know you're worried about losing her trust, but honestly, I think she'd forgive you if she saw how happy we were. Sure, it may be weird for her at first, but sooner or later she'd have to admit that if she could choose who to 'ship' me with, it would be you because she's known you long enough that she knows you'd do nothing to hurt me. I think, when it was all said and done, she'd rather me be with you than one of those hormone-driven guys at my school, or in Justin's case, someone not even human. She knows you're a good guy with good intentions. If she didn't, she wouldn't have left me here."
"Well, let's hope you're right," Xander murmured, smoothing down her hair. He stopped and placed a quick peck on her forehead. The spontaneous gesture took Dawn by surprise. However, she chose not to show said surprise.
"I've been right so far in this conversation, haven't I?" she teased. Xander pulled her up from him a bit so he could see her face. The smile she had unwillingly pulled on his heart strings.
"We'll be okay," he assured. He moved his hands up to her shoulders. "I just need time to figure out what my feelings are. Like you said, we'll take each day as it comes. And as for Buffy, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Let's not get ahead of ourselves." Noticing the piece of hair he'd put back behind her ear had come out, he put it back behind her ear. Looking directly into her eyes, he added, "I'm sorry for walking out on you earlier. It was stupid and childish of me. I promise it won't happen again. I was just afraid. I needed to sort out my thoughts. I was thinking so many thoughts at once… It was overwhelming for me. But I should have stayed and faced the music."
"All is forgiven, Xander," Dawn assured. "I probably would've done the same." With that, she unwillingly let out a yawn, reminding Xander of how late it was.
"We'd better get to bed," he said. "After all, we both have to work tomorrow."
"Guess that yawn gave it away, huh?" Dawn remarked. "Yeah, as much as I hate to admit it, this night has worn me out. Well, this whole day, really. But thanks for dinner, Xander. And the wine. And the music. And the dancing. And the-"
"And the kiss," Xander cut in, grinning. "You're welcome."
*Meanwhile…*
"What do you mean that's private information?" Serena shouted over the phone to her brother in front of O'Daniel's.
She heard him sigh. Then, calmly, he explained, "Only someone who is in law enforcement can access the address of a license plate. If you want this man's address that bad, you'll have to consult a lawyer. Your lawyer will then have to get a judge to approve."
"But you're a police offer!" Serena argued. "Isn't that law enforcement?"
"Yes, but if I were to get this man's address for you, I guarantee I wouldn't be one much longer," he remarked. "You've got to have a good reason for wanting private information. It's not worth losing my job over. I don't know what's going on between you two since you refuse to tell me, but I'm going to assume that if this man hasn't already willingly given you his address, there's probably a good reason for it. Now, if that's the only reason you called me, I think this conversation is about over."
"Steve, wait!" He didn't answer, yet she wasn't hearing the dial tone. "Hello?"
"I'm still here. What is it?" She could hear the frustration in his voice.
"Is there another way I can get it?" She was getting desperate. "There's got to be a way around the system. There almost always is. Steve, please help me."
"Not unless you tell me why you want this man's address," he asserted.
"You don't have to worry," Serena assured. "No one's safety is in jeopardy here. Neither mine, nor his. Please, just tell me another way to get his address."
"Look, I don't mean to pry, but I'm going to assume that you have an interest in this man, and I know in the past you've gotten a bit…obsessive. If that's what's going on here, I highly suggest you stop this nonsense. You're going to get us both in trouble."
"I'm not going to get us in trouble," Serena said, laughing. "And I'm not obsessive. I just think he and I could have a good thing, and… Well, there's something standing in the way. Someone. It seems I might have some…competition. I want to make it clearer to him who he should choose. I have a bit of…convincing to do, and that's why I need his address."
"You know if this turned ugly I could never forgive myself," Steve warned. But she could tell in his voice that he was soon to budge. After a slight pause, he sighed. "Alright, have it your way. You always do."
"You mean you'll tell me?" Her excitement was a little more than obvious.
"Yes," he murmured. "There is something else you could try. Go to Google and type in something like 'obtaining address from license plate' and check out the three ads that come up. I don't know how reliable those are, but they're worth a shot if you're that determined to get his address. Also, for a full report, it might ask you to pay a 20 to 30-dollar fee."
"Thanks, Steve," she said. "I owe you one."
"Yes, you do. I'd better get back to work now. Break's almost over."
"Alright, take care."
"You too," Steve murmured. "Seriously." With that, he hung up.
Closing her phone, Serena murmured to herself, "Guess if you want something done, you've got to do it yourself."
*Back at Xander's house*
Standing in front of her bedroom mirror in her pajamas, Dawn reflected on the night's events. She knew in her heart that giving him his space was the right thing to do, but already the loneliness was settling in the pit of her stomach, and no matter how hard she tried to steer her mind away to happier thoughts, the worrisome thoughts just wouldn't leave. This time the night before they were just friends. It was all they'd been for 4 years. Now what were they? Did it even have a name? Only one thing was for certain to her – life, at times, can take some unexpected turns.
Crazy night, she remarked to herself. Just then, she heard a knock on her door. Turning away from her reflection in the mirror, she said, "Come in."
In stepped Xander in his pajamas. "I just want to say goodnight."
She managed to muster up half a smile. "We said goodnight to each other before we parted ways."
"Well, maybe I want to say it again," Xander said defensively, gently pulling her into his arms. Dawn welcomed the physical contact. A repeat of just a few hours ago. He wanted to say more, she could tell in his eye. But something was distracting him. Little did she know that he was marveling in how easily – how perfectly - her petite frame fit in his arms.
Unable to make a witty comeback, Dawn finally said, "Whatever you think is best. Goodnight."
Instead of removing his arms though, he kept them around her. Instead of turning and walking out of her room, he stayed right in front of her. Silence fell between them. Dawn couldn't tell whether he was trying to think of more to say, or if there was more he wanted her to say, but either way, she was enjoying the extended time in his arms.
Finally, he spoke. "Well, maybe there is something else I came in here for."
"And what might that be?" Dawn asked.
"This," he answered, planting a quick peck on her lips.
She was a bit disappointed. Not with the kiss, but how short it was. She would have loved to have indulged in the man in front of her for longer than a mere 3 seconds. Still, a kiss is a kiss. The loneliness she'd felt before he'd come in was gone. To her, a kiss from Xander Harris, whether short or long, was exactly what the doctor ordered.
Smiling, she asked, "What was that for?"
Smiling back, he answered, "I just wanted to see what it would feel like sober. I wanted to see if it would feel the same as last time, and it does."
"But how did it feel last time?" She was almost afraid of his answer.
His smile grew bigger. However, instead of answering, he simply planted another on her forehead, then turned and walked out of her room.
