Title: Bitter End 08
Author: Daedalus / Tak / Whatever, as long as the clock keeps ticking
Fandom: NCIS
Category: Slash
Pairing: Gibbs/DiNozzo – Allusions to Tony/Jeanne and Gibbs/Mann
Rating: PG for now (will be NC-17 later on)
Genre: Angst (a lot of it) – Action – Character study – First Time
Summary: What could have been a tragedy forces Gibbs and DiNozzo to realize they can't deny what they long for any longer. But a ghost rises from the past and beats them to the game.
Spoilers: Every season from season 1.
Warnings: Homophobia
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.
Thanks to Joey, who does an amazing job, for betaing this fic.
Tony was standing, leaning on his crutches, and facing the man he had called 'Father'.
Gibbs stared at the man. Though he looked sober, the rosaceous staining his cheeks and nose spoke volumes of the amount of wine he was swallowing every day. The man did share physical traits with Tony, though he was far smaller and stockier; the weight he had put on with age and not working out was also different from Tony's more muscled yet leaner frame. And though Tony had the man's nose and mouth, he must have taken his lighter tone of skin, eyes and hair after his mother.
The man perspired wealth, and though Tony had told him a bit about his childhood, Gibbs realized what kind of father that man must have been like. He did not even need to look at Tony to know how stiff and straight he was standing. Money did not necessarily make people happy. And that man might not have done right by his son. Not by a long shot. Disinheriting him when he was twelve, while his mother had been dead four years before, was certainly one of the worst things that could happen to a child. It was a wonder that Tony turned out to be the man he was. Or perhaps it was not.
A stiff, lean man with teeth like a horse's and little nasty eyes stood by, watching the exchange between father and son like a vulture. He held a suitcase; Gibbs was wary of him. Something did not sit right. It was the kind of feelings he got when he had to deal with a zealous solicitor – and that man certainly was one.
Why Tony's father wanted to bring him there, however, was a wonder.
'What are you doing here?' said Tony, with a neutral voice, as his father and him had been staring at one another for what seemed an hour.
'Just coming by to say hello.'
'Bullshit and you know that.'
Both stood their ground, but though Tony had been tense from the start, his father stiffened. Perhaps he had not thought he would get that kind of welcome from his son. He stood straighter, as if he was trying to get in height the inches Tony had on him.
'It was brought to my attention that you… had had some success recently.'
'What are you talking about?'
'And that you had been shot. That's why I didn't want you to become a cop, Anthony. I didn't want you to get hurt.'
The young man had a bitter laugh.
'Oh please. We're both grown-ups. You don't have to pretend. You wanted a son to take up your business and become a shark like you and make even more money than you already do.'
'That's not true. I learnt you were shot three times and –'
'Nope. I received three bullets. Not life-threatening. A trifle compared to some of the things I've lived.'
Gibbs sensed that all the regrets that Tony had bottled up were resurfacing, and that was not good. So he stood behind him, calling his name softly, and laying a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. But Tony didn't listen.
'Always exaggerating, Anthony…'
'Yeah. You always thought that. Well, then. Almost blown up – oh – three times?'
'Come on, now…'
'Then how's the plague?'
'What are you talking about?'
'The plague. I caught the plague.'
'More like some kind of virus, certainly. You can't have had the plague. Nobody has had the plague since… well…'
'Well, you're right you know? It wasn't really the plague. It was the plague, but genetically altered to resist antibiotics.'
His father had the good grace to pale. Tony went on.
'You don't believe me? Ask him. He was there. You know, you'd have known, but you've been so busy the last four times that I had been in a near-death situation that you didn't come and sign a bunch papers, so I decided to have him as my next-of-kin…'
The man paled further and the other one frowned.
'Tony', Gibbs murmured.
'No, boss. I'm alright. Let me handle this…'
Gibbs frowned as well, but did not say anything. He was watching the solicitor's eyes which were watching them with a palpable contempt. He thought than even more than Tony's father, money had gone to his solicitor's head.
'So. I repeat my question. Why have you come? To see if I ended up in the gutter, like you told me I would? Well, don't worry, it was not the gutter. It was a sewer…'
'Anthony...'
'I received a note. Telling me you were in trouble.'
'Yeah. Obviously, someone shot me, I'm in trouble.'
'And you received an award for that.'
'I'd rather think it's because I'm damn good at what I do.'
'Maybe you are… But… I don't know. I could include you back into my testament… And you could still come and work for me.'
Tony blinked, then stared at him.
'You kidding, right?'
'Anthony, I'm getting old. I have a new wife every two year. I don't want to die and think that I had a son and pushed him away… I don't want my money to be given to those bitches I've called my wives…'
Tony's smirk was bitter once more.
'So. It's always been about money, hasn't it? What do you care I have it when I die?'
'You're my only child.'
'Your dear money would still be divided up between your ex-wives… The part of the cake would be small. Wouldn't it?'
'I'd make arrangements.'
'I'm not interested.'
'Think about it, Anthony. I know you don't have such a great pay. Your job is dangerous. You could work at an office and have bodyguards and-'
'Well… You don't know me well, do you? I hate desk work. Don't I, Boss?'
Tony turned towards Gibbs, and his leader started to say something but Tony's father interrupted him.
'Come on, Tony. Do you think you really make a difference? You've been a cop for years, now. Have the crime rates decreased drastically since you've spent time running in the streets with your toy gun? Does it make a difference, that you get shot while you work? Does it-'
'Yeah. It does. It does to me', Tony interrupted heatedly.
Gibbs saw his Adam's apple bob and his hands tremble slightly on the crutches, and he knew Tony was nearing the end of the rope.
'I save lives. It doesn't matter what happens to me, 'cause thanks to me, thanks to my people, thanks to my friends, some people are saved. Some children are returned to their parents when they were lost. Their parents who truly love them. So I think it does. If I have to take another bullet so one of the people I love doesn't get shot, hell, trust me, I'll do it.'
'There are other people who can do this. Perhaps better than you. Don't think you're irreplaceable, Anthony, because we're nothing but dust.'
Gibbs growled and before Tony could do anything, he had placed himself in front of Tony, as if to protect him from the stupidity of his father.
'Get the hell out of my sight. You're not welcome in NCIS.'
'I was not talking to you. I was talking to my son.'
'Your son is the best agent I've ever had. I'm sure when I retire and he takes over, he'll be the best asset to this agency.'
'Oh come on, now, we both know you're just trying to-'
'I'm not trying to do anything. I know what I do. I know who he is. Which apparently you don't.'
Mr. DiNozzo narrowed his eyes.
'He's not yours, you know.'
'Not exactly. He's his own person.'
'I'm his father.'
'You ceased to have the right to be anything to him the moment you disowned him. Now get out before I call the security.'
'You'll hear from me', DiNozzo Senior said.
Gibbs barked out a laugh.
'Are you threatening me?'
'No. I'm warning you. And you're insulting me.'
'Well, as far as I'm concerned, I've only told the truth. If you don't want to stick your face out of your ass to see that, it's not my problem.'
DiNozzo Senior was red in the face.
'I shall bring this conversation to the attention of your Director. You know, I'd be careful. I might not be a cop, but if you're not careful, it could be the end of your career…'
'D'ya really think I give a rat's ass about what a lousy father who begs for his son to come back just because he's received an award he could have received years ago thinks about me and tells the Director? Look at me! I could have retired. Fact is, I have retired, but I was bored as hell, and I missed my people, and I didn't want to sit in my house drinking all day long and counting my money as if everything was alright when criminals were on the run…'
Tony's father stared at him with a heinous gaze, but he said nothing. Gibbs was disgusted.
'Ya know. Your son must have taken after his mother. 'Cause I really don't see anything of him in you. And I think you don't deserve him still calling you 'Father'. You don't even deserve a son like him.'
Tony was getting a little anxious. His father may not be pigheaded enough to try and hire a hit man to take out his boss, but these days, Gibbs had enough enemies as it was. And he didn't need
a lawsuit, even though he seemed to claim he didn't care about his job. Maybe he knew what he was worth as an agent, and he knew that Jenny would never let something like this bring him down. After all, she was the one who was clever with politics.
'Father…' Tony stepped in. 'You should go. I don't want you here. I don't want to see you.'
'You can't mean that.'
'Unfortunately, I do.'
And at the grief that shone in his eyes as Tony said that, a stubborn set to his jaw, the regret that was there, Gibbs knew that Tony must have really longed for a father figure of some kind. He couldn't give that to him – not with the feelings he harboured for the young man. But he could love him. Protect him. Make him understand he was not alone. It wouldn't be easy without telling him what it was exactly he felt for the young man, but he would manage.
And perhaps, some day, Tony would love him back… And he'd hold him in bed at night, and Tony'd let him touch him, kiss him, make love to him, and he'd be the happiest man alive.
A fairy tale. But one he was desperate to live.
But Tony's father was shaking his head, sighing.
'Have it your way. But don't say I didn't try.'
He shrugged.
'Bye, then.'
'Good, bye, Father.'
The man was going already, but the lawyer was lagging behind.
'Excuse me, you have any business in here?' Gibbs said curtly, not liking at all the conspicuous grin the lank man was giving Tony.
The man smirked.
'Just admiring a fool. Not married, yet, Mr DiNozzo? You should. It could prevent people from… talking. You're lucky I didn't bring the whole note to your father's attention.'
Tony paled visibly, his own smirk vanishing.
'What the fuck are you talking about?'
'You know very well… But it'd be only polite not to say it out loud given the company you have.'
'What you have to say to me you say to him.'
'Ooh. It's how it is, then. I didn't know you really were so close…'
Tony narrowed his eyes at him.
'I don't like your allusions. Think whatever you want. I just don't buy my wives like the man I have to call 'Father' does.'
'I bet, Mr DiNozzo. Well. Congratulations for your… award.'
He bowed tightly and went. Tony waited until he disappeared, then sat down heavily on the wheelchair. He had been so hard on his muscles that the muscles in his legs twitched.
'Hey… You okay?' Gibbs asked softly, concerned, bending a little over Tony.
'Guess I'll be', he answered, but did not try to move for a while.
Gibbs was beginning to think something was seriously wrong when Tony sighed deeply, closing his eyes for a moment, then opened them, gazing at Gibbs wonderingly, and his boss did not dare look away. After a while, a small, boyish, smile played on the younger man's lips.
'Ya know, you didn't have to talk to him like that. I can defend myself in front of my own father.'
Well. Nice, Gibbs. You can pretend all you want, but he'll still see through you at times. Gibbs frowned and shrugged.
'I don't like people insinuating I don't know how to choose my own people.'
This time, Tony was grinning widely, roguish amusement dancing in his eyes, and it warmed Gibbs, especially after the tense scene that had taken place.
'Yeah, I can see that.'
Gibbs allowed himself to smile and was rewarded by a soft, and hot look in Tony's gaze that he didn't dare to place, but which had his bowels shudder in delight.
'Ah… Thanks, Boss. For everything. I don't think I'd have stood to him that long if you hadn't been there.'
'I meant it', Gibbs blurted, though he did not know why.
'What?'
Dammit.
'I meant it. What I said. You deserve a better father. I don't know how he could produce such a fine man.'
'Well, it's a nice promotion, boss. From the brat.'
Gibbs rolled his eyes.
'I've always valued you as an agent, Tony. Otherwise you wouldn't have stayed long on my team.'
'Yeah. Kinda figured that out. Though between the whacks over the head, I think I really must be smart to have noticed.'
'Smartass.'
'Exactly. Now how about going out to chew the security agents' ass at the entry door?'
'Why? About the fact they might have taken a bribe to let your father and his lawyer in?'
'Assuming it was his lawyer, hell yeah. It's been only a month, we're stuck, and well, even though we haven't heard from The Bitch for a while, and even though they haven't beaten up any more gay guys outside that club, and though we didn't catch anyone, it doesn't mean she's not planning anything.'
'Well, she certainly is. I didn't like their allusions to a 'note' or something. I should have cuffed them both and held them in custody to ask them questions about it.'
'Come on, boss. You can't really do that…'
'I know. I'd have liked it though.'
'What stopped you?' asked Tony casually.
Gibbs studied Tony's poker face for a moment, then challenged him with raised eyebrows.
'I just got the feeling you wouldn't have liked it that much. He's still your 'biological parent', after all.'
Tony stayed silent for a moment. Then he smiled.
'You know me better than I do. Now you know what I'd like?'
'Mmh nope, but you're gonna tell me.'
'I'd like it if we went to the entrance, and you let me up so I can strike those dumbasses with my crutches, like an old woman with her cane…'
Gibbs chuckled.
'I'd love to see that…'
And though Tony still could wheel himself, Gibbs pushed the wheelchair towards the elevator.
Five days later, the Director summoned both Tony and Gibbs to MTAC. They had just received news that three more gay men had been bashed outside the club. The Intel had come in just
as they were receiving new screens for their computers. Gibbs thought it was Jenny's way of apologizing…
'You called us, Director?' asked Gibbs, actually closing the door (and not slamming it shut) behind DiNozzo, who was walking with his crutches.
'Yeah. Please, do sit down…'
She looked partly nervous. Embarrassed even. She was avoiding their gaze, with was highly uncharacteristic. Gibbs sighed.
'What is going on, Jenny?'
'I uh… think I owe you an apology', she said, looking up at them.
Gibbs said nothing for a while. Though it did not show, he knew Tony enough to feel how tense he was by his side, totally out of place. He sighed, resisting the need to reach out to comfort his subordinate by a not so discreet whack to his head. It wasn't pretty, but it worked. Just like the DiNozzo interrogation method.
'It's alright, you know apologizing-'
'Is a sign of weakness. Yes, Jethro. I know.'
She gave him a small, apologetic smile nonetheless. Then she turned towards Tony and sighed.
'I shouldn't have… tried to cheat you out of your crown. I… don't know what possessed me.'
She made a vague gesture with her arm, and sighed.
'And I should have checked with you before I meddled with your life again and tried to involve your father in the ceremony.'
'Wait – it was you who called my father?'
'Well, I told him you were about to receive an award for the NCIS… Since Jethro knew better, who else could it be?'
Tony and Gibbs exchanged a look. It did not explain everything. Especially the words that shrewd lawyer had said afterwards.
'Did you write to him?'
'No. I phoned. Is that important?'
Gibbs sighed. It would have been too easy. He rubbed his temple tiredly.
'Yeah. Why would I ask you if it was not important?'
'Oh, and Director', Tony butted in, trying to divert the conversation from the turn it was taking, 'you were not forced to buy those new computer screens… I mean, I know McGee is just about to orgasm right now, but it's a bit overkill…'
'What do you mean, Tony? What screens? What are you talking about?' Jenny asked, her eyebrows knitted in confusion.
Gibbs stood up abruptly.
'That's her…' he said, before turning around and heading for the bullpen.
'What does he mean, 'her'?'
'The Bitch…' Tony supplied, before he followed suit as fast as he could, on his crutches.
Sheppard wasted no time. She stood up, abruptly picked up the phone and started to bark orders… If the delivery men were still inside the building, they had to keep them inside.
Especially since the incident with Rodriguez, who was still in custody, and still had not said a word about his mysterious employer…
Gibbs was hurrying down from MTAC as McGee was about to power up Tony's computer after he made the necessary connections between the computer and the new screen.
'FREEZE McGee!' Gibbs shouted, and the younger agent did, albeit clearly puzzled.
He put up his hands in the air. Gibbs rolled his eyes.
'No need for that, McGee. Just step away from that thing.'
'What is going on, boss?'
'I don't know yet. Ziva!'
Ziva approached them, as confused as McGee was.
'Step aside, McGee. Go and see if Tony needs help to step down the stairs.'
'But-'
'Do as I tell you.'
He gave him the look that said: when I tell you to jump, you ask how many times, and McGee scurried off to where Tony was standing, trying to negotiate his stepping down the stairs.
'Were they labelled?' Gibbs asked.
'Yeah. All of them. This one was supposed to go to Tony.'
'Good.'
Gibbs was reaching for his knife. Ziva frowned.
'What-'
'You up for a little game of minesweeper, Ziva?'
'Wh- Hey, how do you know that game?'
Gibbs rolled his eyes and dumped the knife in her hand.
'Open the damned screen, Ziva. If you see anything hinky, you tell me.'
'Hinky… like a bomb?'
'More or less. Still up to it?'
Ziva shrugged, though with a hint of trepidation.
'Always.'
'Good. And you tell me if you know how to defuse it before you attempt anything. Alright?'
Ziva nodded, and Gibbs patted her shoulder.
'Good girl.'
'Wait!' said Tony from the top of the stairs, while Ziva was already working on the frame of the computer screen to tear it open.
'You stay away from this, DiNozzo…'
'But Boss –'
'You stay away, Tony', Gibbs said, turning towards his two male agents. 'That's an order. And don't you try and disobey again.'
Tony frowned, but he could see Gibbs was serious. It still did not convince him, so Gibbs added: 'We'll be alright.'
Tony looked doubtful for a moment, but nodded. McGee, who was supporting him, could see how tense, how worried he was – and he could understand. He did not know exactly what was going on, but he had a feeling it was something big, and if he did understand Gibbs' need to protect part of his team, he also understood why Tony was so upset. Because he felt like him. They should be there, with Ziva and Gibbs.
Ziva had pried the shell of the computer open, revealing a very flat manufactured bomb connected to the switch of the screen. The bomb did not seem very large ranging, but had McGee (or Tony) tried to switch the screen on, he would be dead. And given the amount of rusted nails they had included to the mix, the bodily damage inflected to any person in the area would have been tremendous.
'You think you can defuse it?' Gibbs asked gently as Ziva was peering inside the thing to assess the situation.
'Dealt with worse. Pliers?'
Gibbs gave her a pair of scissors instead and she frowned down at them, before she shrugged. After all, she could have used Gibbs' knife. She picked up the red thread… then switched to the green one… hesitated for a second, and, holding her breath, she clipped.
Nothing.
In fact, the whole bullpen had been holding their breath. Which was partly ridiculous, because had the bomb gone off, those who were very close to them might not have been able to breathe anymore. At all.
'Told you. Piece of biscuit', Ziva commented, with a cheeky grin.
'Cake', Gibbs rectified with a lopsided smile, as he watched an infuriated Tony go down the stairs, McGee trying to prevent him from tripping and falling down the rest of the steps. 'Good job, Ziva.'
But now Tony had reached them – he must have beaten his personal record of climbing down half of the staircase on his crutches – and without even thinking, he whacked a bewildered Gibbs over the head, before he started to shout.
'YOU! You give me a stupid order like that EVER again, I kill you myself. Ya hear??'
Gibbs frowned, straightening up, while McGee was willing himself away. Too bad they weren't on board the Enterprise…
'Now DiNozzo you-'
'No. You can tell McGee to stay away. That I understand. You can tell the whole bullpen to stay away. But if you think you don't have time to call the mine-clearing experts, and you ask Ziva instead, and you stay by to take the full brunt of it all, you allow me to stay there as well. I'm your Senior Field Agent. If the ship goes down, I go down with the ship.'
They kept staring at one another for a while, frowning ferociously, till Gibbs' face broke into a smile.
'Ya know, DiNozzo. There are times, like this, when I surprise myself by thinking you'd have made a damned fine Marine. Well. With a lot of training, of course.'
And that was it. Tony was staring at him, bewildered, eyes popping out of his head, and Gibbs tapped his chin with a finger before placing the screen back in its box to take it down to Abby.
Ziva, McGee and Tony stared after him, then at one another, the members of the other teams having long learned to keep away from the antics of the Gibbs' team.
Ziva frowned, put gloves on and bent down to pick up a tiny something that seemed to have fallen from the computer when Gibbs had lifted the screen and carried it to the laboratory.
'What's this?'
'What?' McGee asked.
'This…'
She produced the tiny bit of translucent thing. It seemed totally by chance that they were able to find it. It could have fallen anytime. They could have never seen it.
'A microfilm?' Tony asked, tearing himself from his Gibbs-induced stupor.
'Wait. I think we can read it…' McGee said.
Ziva brought the microfilm to McGee's desk, who placed it in a device that was linked to the computer, while Tony powered up the screen.
A text appeared and Tony shrugged, turning his head towards McGee.
'Can't read. Ya want me to do a head stand? Sure it's be an improvement over my crutches, but you just don't do head stands in Armani suits…'
McGee rolled his eyes and clicked some icon.
'It was upside down.'
Tony smiled sweetly, batting his eyelids.
'But of cooourse it was. You know, there are… magazines I know even you would read upside down, but…'
'Tony…' Ziva cut in. 'Come on. Grow up.'
Tony raised his eyebrows.
'But you just love little boys.'
Ziva smacked his arm and sighed, reading the message aloud.
'Dear Gibbs,
'If you read this, you are either very observant, paranoid, or lucky. Well, if you are reading this, you are very lucky, for I don't think your "precious" would have survived my little present – well, he or McGee, for I don't think 'he' would be able to link it to the screen. Shame, he's a fine man. Well, for what your lot are worth. I'm sure little Tony would blame himself all his life if he died. Anyway, if he too is still alive, I think my little baby was simple enough for Miss David to be able to defuse it, wasn't it? It was a belated present from your brother, Ziva. I'm sure he'd had loved for you to keep on your training. I wouldn't want you to explode because you don't train anymore.
'Not scared, yet, DiNozzo? I wonder why you didn't follow your father's advice. It was an interesting prospect, you know?
'C.'
Ziva's voice did not falter until the end, but her tone was clipped and got even more so as she read on.
'She knows us', she commented. 'She knows us. And she's playing with us.'
'We knew that, already, Ziva. But what she says is still full of shit.'
'Well, you have to admit it's… uncanny… how well she knows us… I mean…' McGee said.
'Come on, McGee. She fucked Ari. He must have told her his sister was MOSSAD. So she's bound to know how to deal with her 'babies'. You're McGeek, from MIT, so you know how to play with computers. And I'm as useless as Gibbs on that subject, so, of course it'd be you who-'
'I am useless, DiNozzo?' asked Gibbs as he was coming out of the elevator, empty-handed, a frown in place.
'Ah, boss, we just found this', said Dinozzo, pointing at the screen.
Gibbs perused it with slanted eyes, and Tony could see his anger rolling off of him in waves. Then, just like that, he set off, apparently to go and see the Director about all that had transpired.
'What's with him?' asked McGee.
Tony turned to him, raising his eyebrows like nothing was the matter.
'You mean… Other than we've been targeted by a stupid cow for the last month? And that we nearly blew up – you, me, whatever? Well, everything is well. Ain't it? He's just being Gibbs.'
He shrugged.
'He cares for us, McGee. And he's worried. She's playing with us, and he's pissed. We can't even trust our fucking security personnel anymore. As far as I am concerned, she could have planted a bomb somewhere in a pen she gave one of our co-workers that is set to blow up as soon as it picks up our personal pheromones…'
'Oh, come on, she's more subtle than that.'
Tony pointed at the screen.
'You mean that is subtle?? She's being a bitch, using Intel that was passed on her years ago, and she found a way to daunt us further, and she's becoming a master at it… What do you think, Probie?'
It had been a long time since McGee had heard that tone of voice in Tony when calling him 'Probie', and had he been greener, the younger agent would have recoiled. But he was not and Tony's seniority had ceased to intimidate him eons ago.
'Look, Tony, I just mean I-'
'Stop it. Both of you', Ziva snapped, and the agents finally realized that she had at down behind her own desk, holding her head in her hands.
They came over, concerned.
'You're alright, Ziva?' Tony asked, no hint of his usual drawl in his voice as he said her name.
'Yes. Of course I'm alright. I'm fine, really.'
'Come on.'
The young woman pursed her lips, and her shoulders slumped.
'No… you're right… I'm not fine… Oh my… Oh my God!!'
'What is it?' Tony asked.
'You think you know your own brother… You… are forced to revise your judgement of him… You're forced to kill him… But… you never imagine… Oh God!'
Tony laid a hand on Ziva's shoulder.
'She's nuts, Ziva… It has nothing to do with your brother… I mean, not directly…'
'You don't understand… It has everything to do with my brother…'
'He's dead, Ziva…' Tony tried to argue, willing the dread he was feeling to go away. He was in denial, but his gut had anticipated was Ziva was telling them months ago. 'He can't be orchestrating all of this for beyond the grave…'
'He is… I know he is… This is his backup plan, you see? He knew there was a possibility he was going to die… So… I'm sure he… manipulated that woman into being obsessed by him so as to carry out his revenge against Gibbs and… Oh my God…'
McGee frowned. He showed a combination of two totally contradictory feelings: some kind of lurking terror, and acceptance. He was calmer than Tony was, in a way, because Tony was in inner turmoil.
It was not only the case. He felt responsible for those guys who had been beaten more and more viciously outside the bar he used to go to regularly (because he did), just because they looked remotely like him. Three days since they had withdrawn the surveillance, because more than a month had gone by without any incident and they couldn't leave an agent outside the bar forever. Three tiny days. The first, they had been tense, expecting some kind of beating. The second, since nothing had happened, they had breathed a little more freely. And when he and Gibbs had come into the office that morning, it almost had felt as if the gay mugging belonged to the past…
Well, how wrong they had been.
The Bitch had timed her orders well. And on top of everything, she had sent computer screens to them to blow him up and listen in on their conversations. Now their nerves were ragged and one of them was bound to do something – stupid.
Tony feared he would be the one…
'You okay, Tony?' McGee asked, gazing at him with concern.
'Mmh… There's The Bitch after my ass, even though, you know, I really have no idea why she's thinking I'm Gibbs' precious…'
Ziva was giving an incredulous look.
'You mean… you… Oh… You have no idea…'
She sighed, but McGee looked at her ponderously.
To him, at least, the idea was not as ludicrous as it seemed to Tony.
It had been a long day for everybody, and McGee had decided to invite Tony to dinner, so they could have a little chat 'between men', under the pretence that Gibbs would be pissed and Tony would not survive the week end.
Secretly, Tony wished he had stayed at Gibbs', partly because he knew the man wouldn't be as impossible as he had been all day, partly because he had get used to being so close to him without anybody judging him, partly because he knew that Gibbs would be bored and feel lonely…
But wearing the mask he still wore, of course, he had had to accept McGee's invitation.
They had been talking for a while, now, and as Tony had hinted at a personal project he had involving the bar that the victims of the beatings attended, he suspected McGee was trying to make him admit to his going frequently to the bar, by insisting on the mistakes he had done over the past, and hinting not too subtly to that one time when he had kept Intel from his partners because his sister had been involved. They already had drunk 'much' and Tony's tongue was loosening.
Which was, admittedly, Tim's goal in the first place.
'Hey, Probie, you don't have the monopoly of screw-ups, okay? Look, I've 'tongued' a murderer – a transsexual murderer –, I should have outsmarted Ari the day he killed Kate, I opened that damned letter, I wanna screw Gibbs…'
The last part had been pronounced far too low for McGee to hear it. Or so Tony thought. But McGee was looking at him steadily, unphazed.
'Yeah. I know. Abby told me.'
'Wh- Oh. Please. Tell me I did not say the last part out loud?'
'It's alright, Tony. I know why you could have… issues. I mean, him being a guy and your boss and everything.'
'Fuck!'
'Abby figured it out a long while ago. Well, at least the platonic part. Wasn't sure about your actual desires for him, though. Sure as hell, I didn't want to believe her when she told me, but you know, I'm alright with that.'
'Ooh great. Now I'll have to write my resignation for him.'
'Well no you don't have to…'
'Like shit. You have good Intel, right? And I don't even try to deny any of it. So you know, I won't let you have the pleasure of giving him any means to shoe me out. I prefer to have it my way.'
'I've no intention to –'
'McGee. I've been a bitch to you these last few years. I know it. But I didn't think you could resort to this type of-'
'I'm not going to do anything about it, Tony!'
The young man looked more than sceptical about it, but McGee knew most of it was acting. It always was, with Tony. Especially when he was at his most vulnerable. But it pained McGee a great deal that Tony would suggest such a thing – even in distress. It was so out of character that he was completely taken aback. This was a man who had survived the plague and the death of more friends than he cared to count, and held the whole team together by trying to make things as normal as possible despite his own grief. And here he was, snapping bitterly at him, suggesting things that he was ashamed of even thinking, judging by the way he now hung his head.
'And behold, I've just managed to lose a friend too. Way to go.'
'Tony… You have not lost me. You like to suck dick? So what? You've teased me countless times about my "feminine glow", but you know, it's just the way you are, and even I can respect the fact that you might need a cover of sorts… Don't take me wrong, seeing how you leer at women, you like what you see… Does not mean I've not seen you check out Gibbs' ass when you think nobody's looking…'
Tony looked up tentatively, wincing at the fact that he had apparently been caught red-handed.
'Come on. I wouldn't do that.'
'Well back then I thought – nah. I hoped it was something else, but now I know, it all makes sense…'
Tony sighed deeply, and closed his eyes.
'I'm sorry, Timothy.'
'Yeah. Well. I'm hurt that you would think that but…'
Tony offered him a fond but exhausted smile.
'Yeah. You're my loyal Saint Bernard… I appreciate that.'
'Hey!'
'You know… It's ironic, huh?'
'What is?'
'I'm desperately in love with… well… Gibbs. I think… I think I've always been. Sort of.'
He huffed bitterly.
'And she thinks I'm his precious, while, all this time, he's been mine…'
McGee wanted to say something, but like Ziva, he thought Tony needed to get his head out of his arse for once and accept the truth for what it was…
'So. What are you going to do about it?'
'About what, McGee?'
'About… Well… What you feel for Gibbs…'
'…There are reasons why there are rules, Probie…' said Tony dejectedly.
'Such as?'
'Well… 'Constant Vigilance', you know? Like in Harry Potter – hell, I didn't know I would quote this movie one day. You can't concentrate when the life of the guy you fuck is endangered. And to tell you the truth, if that bitch was here and… I don't know… I think I'd lose it…'
'Well… Teammates you care about get shot every day, Tony. Remember Pacci? I know you didn't know him that well. But look at Gibbs' reaction. The one he had with K-'
'Yeah. I know what you mean. Still…'
He sighed, looking down at his hands.
'Madame Director sure wouldn't like it', Tony reminded him.
'The hell with her. She made you sleep with the daughter of an arm-dealer. And because of that, you could have been blown up with your car. But what you said… About concentration… I think you get it wrong. I mean, yeah, you acted irrationally the other day, when you threw yourself in front of that bullet, right? But if you hadn't, Gibbs would be dead, right now. And what makes you lose it is your feelings… So what if you unburdened yourself a bit?'
Tony held his gaze a long time in silence. When he spoke again, he sounded even more defeated.
'I can't tell him, McGee. If I told him… It would make it real. And I'll crave for his touch even more.'
'Yeah. But what you're doing is dangerous, Tony. And you know, perhaps…'
'What. If you had the hots for the big boss, would you tell him, McGee?'
Tim winced.
'Well… I can't say… I'm not into guys…'
'Well imagine Gibbs was a woman. Would you tell her?'
'That's gross, Tony. I don't think I'm into Gibbs at all…'
'Just imagine.'
'Mmh… Don't know. Probably not.'
'See?'
'But it's me, and you're you, and I'm chicken most of the time, and you kept it all for yourself for so long… And now it's getting dangerous and I'm sure –'
'Why dangerous, Probie? 'Cause now I'm fucking guys on my free time?'
'Well… Yes…'
'I can't see why it is more dangerous than fucking girls on my free time. 'Sides, look at Gibbs. Married four times, hit twice on the head, once with a golf club, the other with a baseball bat.'
'More dangerous because more than half the one night stands you used to gloat about were spent in your head only.'
'Yeah. And you would know that because?'
'Because we all know that. Gibbs knew too. And when you did fuck all night long, which was not often, he was even more grumpy than usual.'
'Ah, 'cause you can read Gibbs so well, can you?'
'Yeah, well, believe me or not…'
'I won't.'
'Anyway… I don't think he would approve of you getting down there while you're still wounded.'
'Ooh come on, McGee… I'm a grown man. I can take care of myself.'
'Well, no, apparently you can't.'
'McGee…'
'Tony, there is a mental out there who wants you and Gibbs dead. And she'd like it very much to put a bullet into your pretty little head. I still don't know how she figured out you had the hots for him but –'
'Shut up, McGee.'
'So what if I do. You'll still go out there and make out with those guys? Even after those three more guys have been beaten? Don't you see? It could have been you… Late thirties, beginning of forties. Well built. Brown hair. Hazel-green eyes.'
'We know she wants to get at Gibbs and me. So?'
'So you're still going there, unarmed, on your own?'
'The point is: someone has to do something about it. If you know I'm going, I won't be 'alone' per say. You're my back up, right? And if you don't want any part in this mess, I'll tell you this. I need a good fuck, McGee. A real one. I'm going there to fuck. As a human being. Not necessarily as a special agent. And if those guys want me dead, I'm not going to stand by and let another guy get the shit taken out of him because I wasn't out there.'
'Tony. Tell me. How long have you been visiting that bar?'
Tony fidgeted.
'Mmh… Six months. More or less. Well, have not been since the gunshot, anyway. What does it matter?'
'You kidding me? You've been there long enough for "them" to pick up on the fact that you may not be as straight as you say.'
'Hey I've been there before I even went out to myself… I mean… I knew that bar before I decided to go over there and get some dick… I've been friends with Chris for years…'
'Chris?'
'The owner's boyfriend. A college pal. Such a tease… So I've been over there once or twice before. But what does it matter anyway?'
'Come on, Tony… I don't know how the men you did date looked like, but given what she said when they shot you, he must look a lot like Gibbs…'
'You think so? Man, I like Gibbs, yeah. Love him, even. That's worse, but that's true. But why would I date people who look like him? What makes you say that? Do you think I'm stupid enough-'
'But desperate, yeah. Tony, perhaps you don't even realize it. But I think…'
'There aren't that many Marines with silver hair and vibrant blue eyes that can turn your insides like jelly, willing to fuck a pathetic man past his prime in the backroom of a gay bar, McGee…'
'You don't give yourself enough credit, Tony…'
'What do you know about this, anyway?'
'I know if you love someone and there's a possibility it might work out, you tell them.'
Tony gave a bark of laughter.
'Yeah. Told you already. I was only following rule #4. As if I could come out to Gibbs and tell him what I feel for him. Hell, worse thing is, it wouldn't be as bad if it was only lust, ya know…'
McGee had a harder time understanding that.
'What d'you mean?'
Tony sighed dejectedly.
'A good fuck doesn't have to mean anything. You can get all sticky and sweating and heaving and blow your load, it still doesn't have to mean anything. I would know. I've done that for release all my life. I've even done that for work. I'm sure if I pressed the right buttons, Gibbs would give it a try. Fire me afterwards, perhaps, but I don't think it'd be as impossible.'
He kept silent for a while and McGee didn't dare to say anything, but then Tony was looking up at him and speaking softly.
'But I love him, and I want him, and if I did the not shameful thing and let him fuck me, well… It'd be worse, you know. So I don't care what happens. If that bitch thinks she can get at Gibbs by hurting me, well, let her try, 'cause I'll never go down without a fight. But I can't let her hurt any more people while she's trying to get me…'
He was already standing up, reaching for his crutches.
'Don't worry, Probie. It'll be alright. She won't try to get at me as long as Gibbs is not there to see. But if I go alone, I might notice things that are amiss…'
'You don't have to go alone, Tony.'
He shrugged.
'I know it's dangerous. Hell, I know I'm breaking a dozen rules by going. I don't care. I can't bear it anymore.'
He smiled ruefully.
'At least it's not my 'ordinary' day. Perhaps they won't expect me to be here. But if I can manage to pull some strings and chat with some friends of mine… well… That and blow some cock before I do blow up literally from frustration – it's be worth it. Thanks for the dinner, McGee.'
He was standing up, but Tim stopped him by grabbing his wrist. His brow furrowed with concern.
'You know Gibbs will chew your ass. Right?'
'Well… You know I'd looove him to.'
Tony's smile was so bitter McGee felt his heart sink.
'At least let me accompany you.'
'Tim…'
'It's dangerous. And you're not at 100 yet and…'
'I may have crutches, Probie, but I am not crippled. And I told you. I happen to go there to fuck. You wouldn't want to babysit me when I have my nose buried in pubic hair, would you?'
'Tony…' McGee was flushing, but he was even more anxious than he was embarrassed.
'It's gonna be alright. I won't let that bitch catch me. Gibbs doesn't love me as I do him… But I know he cares… And I'm not suicidal enough to let myself be killed…'
He smiled gently at Tim and freed himself from his grasp. He smiled ruefully, and in an upsurge of fondness that surprised them both, he ruffled his hair. He hesitated.
'Thanks for the dinner, Timmy. I really appreciate it. I'll… give you a call when I come home, okay? So you don't have to stay up all night biting at your nails…'
'Be careful, Tony.'
'You know I always am.'
'That's what I'm afraid of…'
And with that, he was gone, leaving Timothy McGee alone at the table.
Utterly lost.
