PART FIVE – STILL

ON BOARD THE FINALIZER
RESURGENT CLASS STAR DESTROYER

Day 20, Month 4, Year 34

When she opened her eyes, she found herself in the dark. Blood pounded in her ears and her mind struggled to reconnect with reality. She lay on the floor; the smooth metal tiles felt like ice against her skin. Roxin propped herself up on one arm, battling the wave of nausea that came with the sudden change of position.

Where is she? How long has she been here? When her vision became accustomed to the darkness, she discovered that she was alone in a large, empty room. The walls, the floor, and the ceiling were one entity – cold, colorless chrome. A cage, she realized. She was being held captive. Again. How long has it been since she was brought to the prison cell in D'Qar? The interview with General Organa felt like ages ago.

Suddenly, the sound of footsteps – of rubber against metal – shattered the silence. Roxin braced herself as words in bold blank ink flashed briefly in her mind.

"Treason."

"Libel."

"Prosecution."

They want her dead.

But she saw it coming, didn't she? The moment she signed the agreement at Nombus Bey's dingy office, she knew that she would breach it in her persistent search for the truth. The moment she embarked on her first trip to Starkiller Base to speak with Hux, she knew that death was not far behind. Snoke would see her as the flaw in his otherwise impenetrable weapon. He would want her dead, if not immediately, then at a time when her passing would benefit the Order. He'd use her just as he is using her friends; to him, they were pawns whose humanities were insignificant.

And yet she went on with it all just because she wanted to know what really happened. Just because she wanted to see him again.

There was a deafening hiss as the door of the holding cell slid open. The light from the hallway seeped in and Roxin had to raise her arm to shield her eyes from the painful brightness. A figure emerged – stiff, helmeted, and clad in white plastoid armor from head to toe. In his arms was a black blaster rifle.

"Follow me," the Stormtrooper said. "He is waiting for you."


Kylo Ren paced the floor in his cabin. His eyes were not on the wide window that revealed the unparalleled beauty of intertwined constellations against a backdrop of black. His eyes were on the ground and his thoughts were elsewhere.

What should he say? What would she say? He felt his pulse quicken in response to the rapid bombardment of questions suffered by his mind. He couldn't wait to see her again but at the same time, he dreaded the moment for what it would bring. Truths. Revelations. Perhaps even rejection.

What if she is presently involved with someone else again? Miyen being out of the picture didn't guarantee anything. And Mortis and Corto had been very vague. All they told him was that she wanted preparation and was looking for answers. They didn't say anything about how she thought of him. How she felt about him. They didn't ask, the stupid fools.

No. No. It wasn't their place to know. It was his. Solely his.

The muffled swish of the antechamber door opening made him jump. They're here. He nervously glanced at the double doors and resolved to stand as far away from it as possible. He turned away so that his back faced the entrance; he did not want to appear overly eager. After adjusting his mask, Ren clasped his hands behind his back and stood there for what felt like a lifetime. He was quietly observing the rhythmic pulsations of the stars outside when, finally, he heard the double doors slide open.

"Sir," the stormtrooper announced. "She is here."


"Leave us," said the tall, slender figure at the opposite end of the room. A hood made of heavily woven fabric covered his head and fell down his back. His robes were the same color as pitch – dull and sinister.

As soon as the trooper retreated to the hallway, Roxin collapsed to the ground, her arms barely breaking her fall. The walk from the holding cell greatly exhausted her and she found that she could no longer endure against the lethargic effects of whatever drug they've used in her capture.

She saw him rush to her.

"Roxin!"

Hearing her name called with such familiarity stung her eyes. Her mind commanded her body to rise so that she could meet her friend with dignity; so that she could look beyond Kylo Ren's mask and return the gaze she knew existed underneath that crude metal. Yet here she was: sprawled on the floor, her legs refusing to cooperate.

To her surprise, he bent down and removed his helmet. His pale face stood in contrast to the relative darkness of the room. The years had been kind to him, changing little in his youthful, soft-featured countenance. There was something new – a scar. It ran across the bridge of his nose and descended sharply to the edge of his right cheek. It was saber-born – red, foreign, and violent.

Yet it did nothing, she thought to herself in her semi-delirious state, to take away from that... from that …

He slipped one hand beneath her back and helped her sit up so that her eyes easily met his. There was that gaze - that same one. Thirteen years. Thirteen long years and he still looked at her the same.

"It's the tranquilizer," she heard him say. He was becoming a blur now. Black and white. Light and shadow. She felt her lids grow heavy and her weight sink against his arm. His voice was fading. "I've instructed them clearly that you are not to be harmed. They will pay heavily for this. Hold on. I will get you to the medical bay."

She felt herself being lifted off the ground. Then everything turned to black.


The medical bay has witnessed its share of battles. The rows of stainless steel stretchers have once borne the weight of the wounded. The black marble floors have known the taste of blood and the walls have contained the agonizing cries of the afflicted. That day, when Kylo Ren stepped past its arched doorways, the bay was eerily placid. There was only the faint gushing sound of regenerative liquid cycling inside tanks and the low hum of a cardiac monitor. Sensing his presence, the lone med-droid approached.

"Sir," the droid said in an apathetic monotone, "The patient's vital signs are within normal limits and her neurotransmitter levels are stabilizing. An intravenous line has been inserted in case there is a need for medications."

"Is she in pain?" Ren asked, impervious to everything else besides the answer to his question.

"No, sir."

"Then you are dismissed."

After locking the bay doors and deactivating the security cameras, Ren strode towards the corner where the only occupant lay. Her skin was bathed by the blue glow emitted by the nearby bacta tanks. She looked unnaturally peaceful – almost surreal. He inched closer until he stood directly over her, his hands instinctively gravitating towards her face. He froze and caught his breath.

How many times had he been tempted to probe the depths of her mind? How many times did he have to stop himself? His reluctance was not just out of fear. He could not allow her to be violated – not by anyone. Especially not by him. It was unthinkable. Sacrilegious. He'd rather wipe out an entire planet than do such a thing.

He let his trembling fingers fall upon her face, his skin barely grazing hers, and gently brushed away a stray strand of hair from her forehead. The intimacy of the gesture sent a shiver up his spine.

He remembered that time in Corellia when she unabashedly took his hands in hers and steadily looked him in the eye despite the hell he'd raised around them. She was always so fearless. So resolute. He'd lost her once. He couldn't imagine it happen again.

By the time Roxin opened her eyes, he'd made up his mind.


In her dream, she was a child again. Her hair, bleached golden by the Chandrilan sun, fell freely down her shoulders and over her white summer dress. She raced along the shoreline, stumbling over large pebbles and falling face-first into the warmth of the sand.

"Roxin! Stay away from the deep waters, do you hear me?" her mother's voice echoed in the distant.

She ignored it as she always did. Up ahead, she could see her friends waving and laughing and beckoning to her. "Hurry, Roxin! Hurry!"

She got up and quickened her pace. Before she knew it, she was on a rocky outcrop with the other children, all of them staring at the dark depths of the waters below. Then one by one, they donned their breathing masks and disappeared into the ocean. It was a game they played of who could bring back the most interesting artifact from the sea. Roxin was only too eager to join. She planted a foot securely on the edge of the rock, pulled herself back with her hands, and shot forward, allowing herself to be swallowed by the waves.

Roxin didn't know how long she'd been swimming down, but the light from the morning sun gradually began to fade. Soon, the waters turned dark and murky. Roxin felt as if she weren't making any progress, no matter how quickly her legs kicked behind her. Then, suddenly, she saw the stars.

There were millions of them – tiny phosphorescent spherical crystals scattered on the Chandrilan ocean floor. The globes throbbed with light that changed from blue to white then blue again. It seemed as though she was soaring throughout the galaxy, waltzing from one constellation to the next, dancing to the rhythm of the sea. A sense of peacefulness - of stillness - overcame her as she floated above this subaquatic spectacle of lights.

This sensation stayed with her as she ascended to the surface; as she rose past the ocean's quivering veil to meet the white hot sun; and as she was pulled up into her mother's arms and told that her breathing apparatus was broken and it was a miracle that she survived that long underwater.

It stayed with her as she opened her eyes.


Kylo Ren stepped back and, abandoning all propriety, watched every movement of the girl who unfolded to life before him. She pulled herself up slowly, her unbrushed hair clinging to her neck, her chapped lips parting slightly. She glanced around and took in her surroundings – from the cylindrical blue tanks to the set of numbers blinking on screens. She lifted her left arm and inspected the intravenous catheter that was inserted into her wrist. Finally, her eyes found him.

"Are you – " Ren began but stopped short, not knowing how to proceed. So many questions plagued his mind and he could not decide right there and then what to ask first.

But Roxin somehow knew just what to answer. "Yes, I'm alright."

She smiled.

He felt his muscles tense as he fought hard to overcome the sudden rush of emotions that were now coursing through his veins. He steadied himself and sat down at the foot of her bed.

"They found you in Corellia," Ren finally managed to choke out. He was never good at initiating small talk, and for a second, he cursed himself for saying something so stupid.

If Roxin found his statement absurd, she did not show it. Her smile widened. "I was chatting with the librarian, Mrs. Dinn. Remember her? Bobcut? Huge pearl earrings? She's still alive after all these years, imagine that. She outgrew the cut, but she still wears the pearls. Remember how she claimed to have lost Ollie's library card?"

He struggled to remember and when he did, a small chuckle escaped his lips. He straightened up, surprised at himself. "Yes. I remember. That was certainly intentional."

"She was fond of you, you know? Mrs. Dinn," Roxin continued, sounding so completely at ease. It bothered him that she appeared to be unaffected by the very tension that was stifling him. "She told me how you would devour the books with such speed. I told her, 'Ma'am, if only he'd show the same appetite towards food, then we wouldn't have a problem.'"

She grinned at him. The tension immediately dissipated and they found themselves immersed in laughter. For a moment, they were transported to the trivialities and bliss of their childhood. She reminded him of the Force-influenced Limmie players, of the taste of frozen yogurt, of the beauty of the Corellian sunset, of the wonder and awe inspired by a forest in flames. He could almost breathe in the heavy scent of pine and smoke. For a moment, he was there again, in the forest, with her.

"Roxin," he finally said. "Stay here. With me."

Upon seeing her stiffen, he continued, words spilling on top of one another, "I can offer you a position in the Order. You can replace Nombus Bey. Gibbs. Anything you want."

A second passed. Two. Then three. Her silence devastated him. He cleared his throat and leaned forward. "You will be in a place where you can make the most of yourself. I know that is what you have always wanted. You don't have to leave."

When she still didn't say anything, he succumbed to the outrage simmering within. "Is it still Articus Miyen?" His voice rose with every syllable. "Are you still mourning his death?"

"No!" she screamed, the intensity in her voice surpassing his own. He shrank back as if he'd just been struck. Roxin, suddenly conscious of her outburst, cast her eyes to the floor, though her brows were still furrowed in frustration.

"No," she repeated. The word left her like a breath, barely perceptible. "It was just a childish infatuation that I had, nothing more. I didn't spend the last decade of my life searching for lost memories because of him. I didn't spend these last few months traipsing the entire galaxy because of him."

She lifted her gaze. "It was never Miyen."

He no longer fought the restraints that kept him from her. In an instant, he met her lips with his, and as they kissed, he was pulled into the farthest corners of her mind. He found himself exposed to all her worries and wants and fears. He was surprised to find longing there – the same longing that has haunted him for years. A longing which was now satiated. There were also anger and disappointment. These were directed towards herself, Mort, Ollie, Han, Leia, Luke, Snoke, and even him.

But he also caught glimpses of joy. He saw an ocean and the galaxy of underwater crystals beneath it. He saw the four of them sitting at the edge of a rooftop, legs dangling, and fingers pointing to the sky as they named the planets one by one. He saw himself again and again and again. She was a universe of her own – white and black, light and dark, a scattering of stars amidst the infinite night.

After what seemed like an eternity, she pulled away from him, and at last, he understood why.

"You're afraid," Kylo Ren realized. "That Snoke would have you killed."

She nodded. "I wouldn't last."

"He won't kill you," Ren said, standing up. There was a newfound conviction in his voice and in his movements. "I will not let him. I will make him see."

Suddenly, a loud buzz echoed from the bay entrance. Kylo Ren hastily donned his helmet and walked over to the side panel where he disabled the lock system. The door slid open and in marched a stormtrooper, gun in hand.

The trooper gave the enforcer the customary salute and said, "The Supreme Leader wants to see you. He said to bring the girl."


Author's Note: This chapter had me floating in tears by the time I finished it. Thank you to those who've read patiently and even left reviews along the way. It really makes me happy that someone somewhere is actually reading my amateur attempts at transforming fangirl feels into words. Thank you.