Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, but I damn well should.
The preparing for the funeral where they would unmask Mare as the devilish Mary Sue she is, in a nutshell, was grueling. Yugi would often say that something was "too mean", Joey would piss everyone off with his over done accent, Trinidad (Tarstuun?) would be forgotten for hours at a time, Yami Bakura would often bitch and sulk because Mare whooped him so easily at one point, Yami was just... being the pharaoh, I suppose. He's pretty much the most easily predictable character in the series. Everyone else would just get frustrated at their own incompetence. Tears were wept, faces were slapped, and muscles were pulled, but they finally managed to get the whole plan together.
"Okay," Kaiba began to run through the master plan, "so, we're basically going to challenge Mare to a duel and, when she comes out, Yami Bakura and Yami will combine both of their powers and they will banish her to the Shadow Realm. Then Mare will also be destroyed, since it is her Yami that keeps her alive."
"Pretty much," Yami nodded.
"Summed it up right there, Kaiba," agreed Yami Bakura.
"Okay, then what the hell are we going through this training montage for?"
"I do say," Yami Bakura declared all British like, "it's probably just to stall time and put more words in the story!" He paused. "...BOLLOCKS! DAMN BRITISH ACCENT!"
Kaiba smacked his forehead, frustrated and stressed out in typical Kaiba fashion. "Well, let's get ready for the funeral before more time and space is wasted!"
And so, not long after, the funeral was set to begin. Yami Bakura, of course, was set to play as the corpse. Everyone just assumed he was ready to be buried, since Yami Bakura is a spirit, and therefore has no blood since Bakura was torn from him and banished into the Shadow Realm. Yes, I made that up just now. Once again, the ever-kind and priestly Kaiba took duties as priest. At this point, the guys were standing around the coffin and having a discussion about an hour before the funeral.
"What the hell do I say?" Kaiba asked Ishizu. "We can't afford to have our cover blown for a second!"
"Just improvise," she suggested, "she already knows it's us anyway."
"What?" Kaiba almost shrieked. "How?"
"Tea got away and she's joined Mare's side," Mai said.
"Oh, for fuck's sake, we locked her in that basement a week ago! I thought we starved the dumb bitch!"
Ishizu shook her head. "No. She's still alive and she will be sitting right next to Mare."
"Wait," Joey butted in, "how do you know?"
"I can see into the future."
Mai's eyes widened. "Well, look into the future and tell us if we're going to beat her or not!"
"I can't. My Millennium Necklace can't predict a future beyond Mare, that's how powerful she is."
Yami stood in awe. The Mary Sue could defeat even the millennium items themselves! "How did she obtain all this power?"
"She just imagined it, and she had it."
"Should I banish Tea to the Shadow Realm?" Yami asked.
"I'll help!" Yami Bakura said from his place in the coffin.
"Shh, Yami Bakura," Mr. Brown Coat said angrily, "you'll blow your cover as a corpse!"
"I don't listen to worthless secondary characters!"
"You wanna fight?"
"I'll take you outside right now, Treetop! By the time I'm done with you, you'll be in quite a squiggly widget!" Yami Bakura sat up in a rage. "GODDAMNIT, BRITISH ACCENT SHIT! DAMN HELL ASS!"
An old lady walked in as Yami Bakura started his tirade. Shocked by the cursing, never mind the fact that a corpse is yelling, she fainted on the spot.
After more arguing, the funeral finally began. Mare was grief stricken and crying, but she's only crying tears, none of that gross "snot running down your lips" nastiness because Mare is perfect. Remember? Well, keep it in mind, you mediocre waste. Anyway, Yami was forced to sit next to her, because it's his job to convince her to duel. It was extremely and painfully uncomfortable, as one might expect.
"I can't believe it!" Mare whined. "(SOB CRY WHINE WHIMPER) We were so happy together..."
"Oh, uhh... yeah," Yami muttered.
"I (CHOKE SOB SOB) hate to ask you, but may I please (WHIMPER CRY COUGH) lay my head on your shoulder?"
The pharaoh quickly tried to deviate from that train of thought. "Say, you know what would cheer you up and make you stop thinking about your husband's untimely death?"
"A hug?"
"No, a nice duel!"
Before Mare could respond to the challenge, Kaiba stood up and began the service.
"Okay, in the name of God, we commend this poor, freezing corpse into the afterlife, where he may eat the cupcakes of Jesus and lay in the bosom of the recently deceased Anna Nicole Smith for all eternity." More sensitive old people fainted at Kaiba's awful blasphemy.
"Kaiba, for God's sake, at least read something from the Bible!" Joey yelled.
"Ishizu told me I should improvise, I figured she would know something about it!"
"Forget what I said!" shouted Ishizu from the back. "Just read a chapter from the Bible!"
As Kaiba read a chapter from Revelation, Yami whispered to Mare. "Hey, you know, somebody told me that your yami..."
"Yes, go on? (CHOKE CHOKE SOB WHIMPER CRY SQUEAK)"
"...was a pathetic duelist."
A blinding flash of light went off in the room as Mare mutated into her true self, whose name is Finley.
"WHO THE SHIT SAID THAT I WILL TAKE MY FANGIRL RAGE OUT ON THEM"
As the remaining old people fainted, Yami Bakura jumped out to help Yami blast her.
"WE BANISH YOU TO THE SHADOW REALM!"
TO BE CONTINUED OH MY GOD WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?
