Ugh. I really struggled with writing this chapter. It basically has ended up completely different than what I originally planned for this chapter to be. I have spent much of this week writing and rewriting different parts of this story so I hope you all like it. Don't worry though I definitely know where the story is going, this chapter doesn't change very much with regards to that.
Eight
What Could Have Been
"You amaze me, Rory Gilmore. Every day. Everything that you do. Everything that you are. This past year I realized that I don't know a lot more than I thought I knew. If that makes sense."
He fidgets and looks around "Sorry, I'm a little bit nervous! I didn't think I would be."
He looks back at me, his brown eyes looking right at me, "What I'm trying to say is… that… I don't know a lot. But I know that I love you. And I want to be with you. Forever." he pulls out a blue velvet box from his pocket and opens it.
"Rory Gilmore, will you marry me?"
I don't say anything for a moment, I just look at the ring surprised then I look into his eyes and just know, "You jump I jump Jack." I say smiling "Yes, of course I'll marry you" Logan pulls me into a big hug before kissing me.
Suddenly we're outside on the beach in Martha's Vineyard at sunset standing in at the alter in front of a group of people.
"I knew you were different from the moment I met you. You were special, but not the eat the toothpaste special. You were different. There was no doubt in my mind about that. You've made me a better man, Rory Gilmore. You push me and you make me see myself in this way that no one has ever seen me before. I've always been the heir to the Huntzberger media empire to most people and that has gotten me through, but none of it ever mattered and then you came along and you didn't care like the breath of fresh air. You understand me and you love me, trust me. I can't promise you that I won't make mistakes but I can promise you that I will love you and I will do everything in my power to never let you go Ace. I will love you from this day forward, in good time and in bad, in sickness and health, for richer for poorer, for as long as we both shall live. You jump I jump Jack."
"Logan, I hated you from the moment I met you. It's true. You were everything I didn't want, cocky, arrogant, rich, privileged, a butt-faced miscreant, but you somehow managed to charm your way in. Most people say I changed you but you changed me to. You taught me to take chances and to just start living life. I'm stronger with you. I feel more alive with you. You are my once in a lifetime experience. I will love you from this day forward, in good time and in bad, in sickness and health, for richer for poorer, for as long as we both shall live. You jump I jump Jack."
"Do you Logan Elias Huntzberger, take Lorelei Leigh Gilmore to be you lawfully wedded wife"
"I do"
"Do you Lorelei Leigh Gilmore take Logan Elias Huntzberger to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do"
"With the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss your bride."
Logan takes me into his arms and cups my cheek.
"I love you Ace." he says before putting his lips on mine.
"Ladies and gentlemen I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Logan Hutzberger!"
We walk through the crowd and suddenly I'm alone and walking through a door, "Honey I'm home?!" I yell.
"In the kitchen." he yells back.
I walk into the kitchen and I see him in front of the stove in his crisp white button down shirt folded up at the elbows and he's got an apron on, "Hmm... this must be what it felt like to be a male in the 50's coming home to their wife making dinner. This is the sexiest thing I've ever seen."
He looks up and smiles his eyes lighting up. I walk over to him and he pulls me into a big hug and gives me a light kiss on the lips. "God I've missed you. How was the campaign trail?"
"Grueling. Barack says hi by the way, but I actually have some other news. While we were in New York I had dinner with Hugo and he brought with him the Features Editor for the New York Times, he said he was impressed with my work and he loved my take on the campaign. It was like I was talking directly to someone, which we already know I am, you, but he doesn't know that. He said my writing was informative and personal. Then he asked if I would be willing to meet with the Editor and Chief of the Times first thing in the morning. Well I did."
He looks at me expectedly "Soooo...."
I smile, "I got it. They offered me a position as staff writer. I haven't given them an answer yet, I told them I had to talk to you. They've given me until Friday to think about it. Logan, the New York Times wants me!" I say excitedly. He picks me up and starts spinning me around.
"I can't believe it. Why didn't you tell me any of this? This is so great Ace. You totally deserve it."
"I know I'm sorry I didn't tell you but I didn't want to get both of our hopes up plus I didn't want to jinx it." I say then I look at him seriously, "Logan do you really think this is great? I mean this offer is amazing but Logan this job is in New York. We live in Palo Alto, your job is here. Those are two completely different sides of the country. How could we possibly make this work? I can turn it down. They want me, just knowing that is a dream come true.
"Ace, you can't turn this down. This is your dream. You have to take it. Plus it wouldn't be that much different than what we're doing now with you on the campaign trail, but if you're going to New York then I'm going with you. I'll move back East too."
"But Logan you love your job here, you can't just leave it."
"I do love it, but I love you more and if you're going to be settled in New York than so will I. I'm a partner in the company so I'll just give up the day to day stuff, but keep my position. Also I've meaning to talk to you about something. I've been thinking about going back to HPG. As much as I hate to admit it, I've kind of missed it.
"Logan are you sure you want to go back to HPG?"
"Ace if it means being with my wife, then I will go anywhere just as long as you're there."
He kisses me and I whisper for him to turn off the stove.
I'm suddenly throwing up in the bathroom and Logan comes in. "Ace this is going on three weeks now, I don't think you have the stomach flu? Do you think you could be..."
I look at him and just nod my head and open the drawer and pull out the pregnancy test I took earlier.
"Really?" he says smiling, "Ace this is amazing." He sits down next to me on the bathroom floor.
"Do you really think so? We haven't really talked about kids."
"We haven't talked about kids because I have been selfish and have wanted to keep you all to myself, but knowing that you're carrying a little you and me in there, that's amazing Ace. Nothing could make me happier."
I smile and he kisses me, "just remember that when I'm big and fat ok."
"I promise. We're going to have a baby Ace."
We're at the hospital and I'm screaming in pain and crying. "Logan I can't do it anymore. I can't. I'm so tired."
"Yes you can Ace. Come on one more big push ok. You're doing amazing."
I give one last push and then a few moments later I hear crying.
"It's a girl."
The doctor puts the baby on my chest. "She's beautiful Ace. You did so great." Logan says kissing my forward and cuddling with me and our daughter.
"Another Lorelei."
I open my eyes suddenly, trying to shake off the dream I just had. Dreams of Logan had been invading my head off and on for the last few weeks since I saw him in D.C. Each one was different, occasionally they were just simple memories, but this last one felt different. It was as though I was getting a glimpse of what my life would have been had I said 'yes' to Logan.
I tried to remember the dream but it was starting to get foggy in my head. We had gotten married at sunset at Martha Vineyard but it was a small party of family and friends, intimate, just how I had always envisioned my wedding being. We were living in the house Logan had purchased for us in Palo Alto and I had still worked on the Obama campaign as in real life but I had proven myself and had been hired by the Times. Then we had a baby, a little girl, another Lorelei.
This dream, even through the fog in my head, felt real. Like it was something that could have actually happened. The words exchanged, our conversations, the feelings. The one thing that resonated with me about the dream was that I was happy. We were happy. We were in love. Is this what could have happened if I had said yes? Could we have been this happy?
I attempted to get up, but I felt a weight around my middle. Drew. Of course, he had spent the night. I found it slightly odd and wrong to be waking up next to one man after I had just been having dreams about another.
Crap. I needed to get out of here.
I carefully removed Drew's arm from around my waist and went to the bathroom. I emerged from the bathroom a half hour later fully dressed and ready for work. Luckily Drew was still asleep clutching one of my pillows. He did look adorable. I did like him, he was good to me, and wanted to be with me, but I just couldn't bring myself to commit to him. We both knew that neither of us was seeing anyone else. We were basically in a relationship except for the fact that I refused to call it such. I just couldn't call him my boyfriend, nor could I face him right now. This dream of Logan was still in the forefront of my mind and I needed to try to shake it off somehow.
I quickly scribbled a note on piece of paper and left it next to the pillow. I was running away from the man that I have been seeing who was currently naked in my bed because I had been dreaming about my ex-boyfriend.
This was not good.
LOGAN HUNTZBERGER: Heading to Chi Town to work and hang out with an old friend. Looking forward to it
I was sitting on the Huntzberger private jet with my team waiting for the ok to leave from the tower. I was going over the notes my father had given me before I left, but my thoughts kept drifting to Rory. I was excited and nervous at the thought of seeing her again.
When I saw her in D.C. it was like seeing a mirage. She had looked even more beautiful than the image I had kept of her in my mind. Her eyes were bluer, her alabaster skin was as flawless as ever peppered with small freckles, her hair a beautiful silky chestnut. Everything about her was more beautiful.
And speaking to her the other day on the phone felt like a familiar routine I hadn't realized I had been missing. It was one phone conversation, but after years of not speaking on the phone every day it was nice to pick up the phone and find her on the other end.
The guys on my team were talking basketball but I wasn't really listening. I pulled out my cell phone and scrolled through until I found the file I was looking for, photos of Rory. I could never bring myself to delete the photos, but I instead kept them hidden behind multiple files so I couldn't easily access them, but on occasion I found my way to them.
As I was scrolling through the photos my cell phone started ringing. I quickly answered it without looking. "Huntzberger."
"Mate where the bloody hell are you? I'm at your building and Anthony is telling me you won't be back for a few days."
"Finn what the hell are you doing at my apartment?" I ask as I get up and walk to the back of the plane.
"Don't you remember you were going to let me stay with you for awhile when I got back."
"Uh no, and I don't even know where you've been for the last few weeks. It's been weeks since I last spoke to you Finn."
There is silence on the other end for a moment, "Huh, so you didn't say I could crash at your place?"
"Finn why the hell would I let you stay at my place especially when you can stay at one of your hotels?"
"Good point. Why the hell would I want to stay with you when I can get 24 hour maid and room service. Plus they leave delicious little chocolates on my pillows." Finn said. I could hear the bustle of the New York City streets followed by a door slamming, so I assumed he had left my building. I heard Finn give directions to his driver to one of his family's hotels. "So if you aren't here, where are you mate?"
"I am at the moment sitting on the jet still in New York," I respond.
"And will you be spending the next few days on the jet? It's luxurious an all but plumbing may become an issue after a bit."
"I'm not staying on the jet Finn."
"So are you actually flying somewhere?"
"Yes. Chicago."
Finn is silent for a couple of beats. I wonder what's going through his head. "Uh...Chicago you say. And what will you be doing there mate?"
"Working at the Post-Daily." I say evenly "and yes Finn I know that Rory is in Chicago and works for the Post-Daily. I actually will be seeing her tonight."
"What!!" Finn screams into the phone causing me to pull it away from my ear and a few of the guys look at me, "Are you bloody insane? When the hell did this happen? Last thing I knew you two were still oblivious to eachothers existence in the world and you seemed to be avoiding Chicago like the plague, now you're going to Chicago, working at her paper, and seeing her tonight. Has the world gone bloody mad! What the hell have I missed in 6 weeks?"
"Well that's what being MIA will get you Finn. We ran into eachother at the White House Correspondent's dinner last month, but before that she sent me a friend request on Facebook. We've been talking a bit through that, and well I figured I should get over myself since I've already seen her and go to the Post-Daily like they've been asking for months."
"So why the hell are you seeing her tonight?"
"The Editor of the Post-Daily is throwing a dinner party for me tonight and apparently Rory was invited."
"Ok and outside of the Post-Daily and this dinner party are you going to be seeing her again?" Finn asks.
"Yeah probably. I told her I'd like to have dinner or something and catch up. I may be in Chicago through the weekend." I say.
"I don't know mate, this doesn't sound like a good idea. Have you really thought about this? Yeah sure in the beginning it will be all sweet awkwardness and nostalgia of good memories but then what about when the issue of the proposal and break-up come about? What then? Have you really worked out all of the your issues on that one. Five years is a long time to avoid someone and then to suddenly pop back into their life." Finn says.
I could hear the truth in Finn's words, but I knew this wasn't going to be easy when I decided to go to Washington and when I arranged to go to Chicago.
"I've had five long years to think about this Finn. I appreciate the concern but I can handle this."
"I'm not concerned just about you mate. I'm concerned for both of you. I'm the one that's continued to speak to both of you through all of this, and let me tell you, the two of you have very different points of view on this subject." Finn rants.
"What do you mean?"
"Uh uh. I'm not going to break love's confidences. I'm just saying you two see things differently and you've never discussed this stuff before and I don't want you running off again without really hearing her or another five years to go by again. I've been in the middle of the two of you this entire time. Did you know I see that sheila every few months. No because I'm Switzerland. Neutral territory, but I'm exhausted and I can't be Switzerland if the two you stop talking again."
"Ok Finn no one wants you to remain Switzerland. Rory and I are friends again. Everything can be worked out."
"I don't know mate. The two of you are so stubborn especially when it concerns the other." Finn paused then Logan heard what sounded like a snap on the other line, "I've got it. I'm bloody brilliant. I'm going to go to Chicago and be your mediator. Make sure the two of you civilly talk to eachother and work things out. Yes that's what I'll do. I'm brilliant. I'm going to the airport now."
"Finn No. Wait!"
"I'll see you in Chicago Mate."
"Finn..." Crap he hung up the phone. That stupid Australian. I punched in his number but it went straight to voicemail.
Crap.
Finn was going to go to Chicago to help me and Rory. This isn't going to be good. He may mean well, but this definitely couldn't end well. I hadn't known he was seeing Rory so often. I knew they spoke occasionally but I didn't realize the extent. Maybe Finn playing mediator wasn't such a bad thing? Wait who am I kidding this is Finn.
"Mr. Huntzberger, the captain asked me to inform you that we will be taking off momentarily. You should take your seat and put your seat belt on sir." I nodded and went to take my seat next to the rest of the team. I sighed, I was on my way to Chicago and to Rory.
LORELEI LEIGH GILMORE: All dressed up and headed to a dinner party
LOGAN HUNTZBERGER: I'm in Chicago and heading out to this shindig myself. Do you think they'll notice if we form a sub party? See you soon...
As I exited my apartment building and waited for a cab, I felt my cell phone vibrating in my purse. I quickly answered it before looking at the caller id.
"Gilmore."
"So did you go with the black, gray or navy? And may I just say your color pallet is extremely dull and depressing. I understand that it is still technically winter but really you need to add some color to your wardrobe."
"Hello to you too mom." I say as I mouth thank you to my doorman and climbed into the back of the cab and handed the driver a piece of paper with the address. "I decided on the black with the strappy closed toed stilettos, minimal make up and red lips. Oh and diamond studs."
"And the hair."
"Side swept loose bun."
"Ooh very classy. Dare I say very Audrey Hepburnesque"
"That was the look I was going for. This is after all a party full of my bosses and the Board."
"Yes and your ex which is a good thing you have that low backline."
"It's not that low mom."
"Low enough that you'd better be careful when you sit down that you don't show any booty crack and it's low enough that he can feel your bare skin when you dance."
"I don't think there will be any dancing. This sounds like one of grandma's dinner parties."
"Well ok then for the hello and good-bye hugs then. There is bound to be touching then." she argues.
"Uh not sure if there's going to be any hugging mom."
"But there was hugging in D.C. and a kiss on the cheek. Of course there will be a hug."
"You know I don't think I'm going to be telling you details of my life ever again."
"So you want there to be hugging, maybe a little more, some kissing maybe?"
"Mom."
"Ok. Ok." she says giving up, "so how are you doing kid? Are you nervous."
"Surprisingly so which is ridiculous since we've already gotten the awkward first meeting over with and we've spoken on the phone and we've continued to exchange posts on Facebook, but that first meeting was a complete surprise at least for me and this anticipation of seeing him is driving me insane."
"Well things do tend be bigger when their in your head." Lorelei said.
"I've been going through all of these different scenarios in my head of what will happen when we say hello. Should I shake his hand since we're in front of everyone or give him a hug, just a nod of acknowledgement? Then there's what to talk to him about. We can't exactly talk about all of our past issues while we're at this dinner, but when tomorrow at work, the next day? Is there even a right time for us to talk? Should I ask him to join us for Friday night drinks? Should we go out for dinner just the two of us? I...."
"Rory stop! Calm down. All of those scenarios and questions are all good but Rory you can go through every scenario you want in your head but you're not going to know anything until you go through it. You've got to stop babe or else you're going to drive yourself crazy" my mom said trying to calm me now, "You've got to just breath kid."
I took a break and noticed the cab drive looking at me warily through the rear view mirror. "It's just... well I'm nervous about this mom. I shouldn't be but I am."
"That's because you never stopped caring. You never got closure from this relationship so you've never been able to move on. Your relationship ended while you were still deeply in love with him. Of course you're nervous kid. It's how it always was with your dad before. I never stopped loving your dad and every time he blew into town it would just throw me into a tailspin."
"Mom what do I do? Logan says we're friends. I don't think I've ever been able to be just friends with him. Do I just accept his friendship and let that be it or do I just finally say good-bye and put Logan behind me for good."
"I think you're forgetting an option there babe."
I sighed, "I don't know if that can be an option mom. There's too much there. I don't know if I can go through that again. I don't even know if or even how I can be his friend. Plus there's this fact he's dating Ellie, the next Anna Wintour who looks like a model, and I have Drew."
"Drew huh? I thought you two weren't serious." Lorelei commented.
"We're not, at least not yet."
"Rory please don't commit to Drew because you're trying to run away from Logan. Really think about it kid before you do something that you're going to regret later."
"I know. I think I need to get through the next few days before I make any big decisions about anything." I paused then said, "I left him in my bed this morning."
"What? You left a boy in your bed. Rory has mommy taught you nothing. We don't leave boys alone in our sanctuary. They may go snooping and discover vital information about us."
"I know it was just weird. I had another dream about Logan, it was weird it was like a glimpse of what my life would have been like if I had said 'yes' to him and then I woke up with Drew's arms around me. It just felt so weird and wrong that I bolted out of there as soon as I could."
"Wow dreaming of one man and waking up in the arms of another. Well it could have been worse. You could have been dreaming of Logan while having sex with Drew and then called out Logan's name. Now that would have been awkward."
"Ugh. Mom."
"Ok sorry. So a dream about what life would have been like had you said yes. Care to elaborate kid."
"It's getting kind of hazy but there was his proposal exactly how it was but instead of hesitating I said yes right away, and then we were in Martha Vineyard getting married at sunset with just friends and family, no big society wedding, and then we were in our house in Palo Alto and I got a job with the Times, he said he would follow me anywhere just to be with me, then I was in labor and I had a little girl. It was all perfect."
"That's some dream kid."
"I know. And I know it was just a dream but I just can't shake it and now I'm about to see him and I'm nervous and I have all of these thoughts of all of these different scenarios running through my head and I just don't know what to do mom."
"Look hon you forget this is Logan. You two always had easy conversations. I'm sure you can find something to banter about. Will it be awkward, of course, but you will figure it out and get through it. All of it." she says softly.
"Ok. Thanks mom. I better go. I've been sitting in front of Martin's building for awhile now and I'm still in the cab. My meter is still running. Did I tell you he lives in the same building as Oprah."
"No. What if you run into her in the elevator. That would be so cool..."
"Ok mom I would love to have the Oprah conversation with you but I've really got to go. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Tomorrow huh? Planning a late night kid."
"Mom!"
"Ok just kidding," she says laughing. "Get in there and knock 'em dead kid."
I hung up with my mother and paid the driver an astronomical amount. I took a deep breath and stepped out of the taxi. The doorman saw me approaching and opened the door for me.
Behind me I could hear another car pull up and a door slam, "Rory?"
I smile recognizing the voice and turn around, "Hey."
