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Part Eight: Bears Are Terrifying

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"I don't like being in the middle of the woods at night," said Raj, swinging his flashlight around. "We're just begging for a maniac with a chainsaw to cut our limbs off. It's like at any minute creepy music will start to play. Shoo shoo shoo, haw, haw, haw."

"Stop doing that!" yelled Howard. "You know I still have nightmares about Friday the 13th. Not cool, dude."

"Both of you, shut up!" said Leonard. "Just look for the phone, okay?"

The other two grumbled. Leaves were scattered everywhere on the ground and made ominous crackling noises as the boys walked slowly around the woods. There were the faint sounds of cars on the highway in the distance, and the wind rustling the trees, but otherwise, it was spookily silent. Leonard's phone hadn't been on the side of the road, so the next step had been to check the woods.

"You know, Leonard," Howard said after a moment, "For a guy who hates fun, you sure agreed to go on this random road trip pretty easily."

"Yeah. I thought Howard and I would have to take off on our own. There's no way I'd thought you would say yes to this." Raj added.

Leonard didn't say anything.

"Oh, I get it," said Howard. "You're trying to win Penny back, aren't you?"

"What? No! Don't be ridi—"

"You are!" said Raj. "Whoa. Stealing your friend's girl right when he's about to propose? Low blow, dude."

"Oh, like it wasn't a low blow to me when Sheldon and Penny started dating in the first place-"

"At least they were honest about it," Howard said. "And you and Penny weren't together."

"I'm not—" Leonard sighed and sat on a hollowed out tree trunk that had fallen on its side. "It's not like I really want to break them up. I just thought that if Sheldon goes out there and fails, maybe I could . . . I dunno . . . pick up the pieces? It's just a fantasy."

"Wow." Howard sat on the trunk next to Leonard. "You're an ass."

"Thanks a lot."

"Give him a break, Howard," Raj said, also taking a seat on the trunk. "He has tried to get them back together. He's just going through a lot of conflicting emotions right now. Jealousy, loneliness, hope for his friends' happiness."

Howard raised an eyebrow. "You've been reading those Dr. Phil books again."

"What? They're good! He has a lot of insight into the ordinary person's soul!"

"Raj is right," said Leonard. "I am lonely. You have a girlfriend, Sheldon had Penny—even Raj had that random hookup with himself."

"It wasn't with myself, it was with—"

"Yeah, we know, Raj," cut in Howard. "Listen, Leonard, you have to get over losing Penny. Things didn't work out between you for a reason."

"So why are things working out so well between her and Sheldon?"

"Opposites attract?" Raj suggested.

"Penny and I were opposites, and that didn't work," said Leonard mournfully.

"Maybe you don't need your opposite," said Howard. "Penny and Sheldon both needed balance. You're already pretty balanced, so maybe you just need someone who's a lot more like you."

Howard and Raj were struck by the same idea at the same time. They looked at each other and grinned widely.

"Oh, no," said Leonard. "I know what you're thinking, and I'm not going out with the weird mirror version of me—"

"C'mon!" said Howard. "Lina was cute, after all. And the two of you have a lot in common."

"I could probably still get her number from Rabya," added Raj.

There was a chittering noise in the distance. "What was that?" asked Leonard, swinging the beam of his flashlight in the direction of the noise.

All three of them stood slowly and walked over to the where the light landed.

"It's a raccoon," said Howard. "And he's got your phone."

"Dude!" whispered Raj, grabbing at Howard's shoulder. "What about rabies?"

"Raccoons are nocturnal," whispered Leonard. "We should only be afraid of rabies if we see it in the daytime."

The raccoon froze in the light, staring up at them. Leonard's phone was grasped tightly in its paws, the screen lighting up from contact.

"It's kinda cute," said Howard. "C'mere, little guy—"

In response, the raccoon clamped down on the phone with his teeth and ran off.

"Son of a –" cursed Leonard as they began to chase after the animal. They made it about fifty feet before they heard a great rumbling noise.

"What is that?" screamed Howard.

Leonard swung his flashlight to the right and revealed a gigantic, brown bear. The bear opened its fearsome mouth and roared, revealing its pointy, dangerous looking teeth.

"A bear?" cried Leonard.

"Are they even indigenous to this area?" yelled Raj.

"WHO CARES ABOUT GEOGRAPHICAL ACCURACY IT'S A BEAR RUN!" Howard shouted, spinning on his heels and bolting away as fast as he could. The other two followed as quickly as possible, leaves slipping from underneath their feet.

Somehow, they made it to the highway and slammed the doors of Leonard's car, panting heavily.

"What about your phone?" asked Raj.

"I'll buy a new one. Screw this," said Leonard as he revved the engine. There was a loud squealing noise as they peeled out as fast as the car could go.

After a good ten miles was put between them and the bear, Leonard said, "So, Raj, can you get me Lina's number?"


How humiliating.

This was what Sheldon was thinking as he stuck his thumb out towards the road. Travel by hitchhiking had never been on his list of life goals. Seeing the broad landscape of America was somehow tainted by trudging through the snow in the middle of nowhere. The stars twinkled above him mockingly; seeming to say "Look at us! A gravitational paradox holds us up in the sky where we can party all night and you got kicked off the bus by some rednecks!"

He shook his head. His imagination was getting carried away. He didn't like that.

After several hours, many of which Sheldon spent jumping up and down in order to stay warm and cursing his various scientific rivals, a large eighteen wheeled truck pulled up alongside of him. The door opened, and the truck driver called out to him, "You okay, son?"

"Oh, thank goodness," Sheldon exhaled, his breath visible in the cold air. "Please, I need a ride."

The driver, a portly, bearded man in his early sixties, made a popping noise with his tongue. "Gonna cost ya."

"I . . ." Sheldon's face fell. "I don't have any money."

The driver shrugged. "Too bad."

"Wait!" cried out Sheldon. He reached in his pocket and fingered the small box. He would buy Penny a new one. Right now, this was all he had. "Here."

Sheldon tossed the ring box up to the truck driver. The driver opened the box and looked at the ring suspiciously, then shrugged and motioned for Sheldon to climb on in.

"Thank you, thank you," Sheldon muttered, hopping into the passenger seat and closing the door. "I've been trying to get a ride for hours."

"You're on a mighty lonely stretch of road awful late at night," said the driver. "Plus, you look a little . . . what's the word . . . psychopath-y."

"I understand my stature can be off putting," Sheldon said. "But I thought the citizens of rural America were known for their hospitality. Once again, I have been deluded by the Travel Channel."

The driver put his truck into gear and started to drive. "Oh, I love the Travel Channel. That Zimmern fella is a hoot and a half, I'll tell ya what."

Sheldon looked at the driver appreciatively. "I'm so glad you called him Zimmern. Most people mispronounce his name as 'Zimmerman.' It's refreshing to see someone who pays attention to detail."

"Gotta pay attention on these roads," the driver replied. "Name's Greg. What's your name?"

"Doctor Sheldon Cooper, PhD." They shook hands, and Greg smiled.

"Whaddaya got a PhD in?"

"Two PhDs, actually," Sheldon said. "One in twistor theory, and one in advanced theoretical physics."

"Twistor theory, eh?" Greg rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Never was a fan of Roger Penrose."

"You know of his work?" asked Sheldon incredulously.

"Oh yeah. Though I still think twistor theory was pretty much pointless till Witten tried to marry it into string theory."

"That was the basis of my doctoral thesis!" said Sheldon excitedly. "How do you know all this?"

"Audiobooks." Greg tapped his dashboard where the stereo was. "Got nothin' to do out here but listen and think. Just miles and miles of empty roads that bore me to death. Thought I might learn myself something while I drove."

"Amazing." Sheldon was truly happy. "Will you be my friend?"