8.

Dear Riza,

He won't leave me alone.

Remember when I said that I wanted to listen to him this time, and never hang up on him again? He's calling me a liar, and he's right. I don't want to hear what he wants to tell me. Why won't he leave me alone? Why won't he go away?

It's been weeks – or has it been months? It goes on, day after day, until it feels like I've been living this nightmare my whole life. When will he go away, and leave me at peace?

How can I want my best friend to vanish again? As though I want him to die a second time, for my convenience.

It's just killing me to be so angry with him. I actually alternate between anger and fear, but it's the anger that horrifies me. He gave up everything for me – everything! – so how can I be angry with him now?

But I am, at least sometimes. I'm furious that he died on me when I really needed him. I'm angry that he kept me in the dark about so many things, especially the things that put him most in danger. It's like he was treating me like a child, as though if he told me the truth, I'd lose my head and run off and do something to destroy everything we'd worked for.

I'm angry that maybe he was right – except I don't believe that. I destroyed Bradley because it was necessary, and because sometimes there are things that turn out to be more important than some lofty goal with no blood or heart or warmth in it. And because he sent someone to murder Maes Hughes, and no matter what the consequences, I was not going to let that go unpunished.

If Maes disapproves of that, then to hell with him.