Author's note: thank you very much for all the reviews and messages; I have deleted a review by accident when I was moderating some, I apologize! As for the beta, as I've said many times already I can't have one for plenty of different reasons so... Be it.

Chapter Eight

"The moment I gave birth, I assumed that my role was to be with my child all the time; twenty-four hours a day. But I soon realized that I was wrong. I need to have some time for myself to actually be a good mother. That's how it works. It's not something evident but you still get it at some point."

Jane let Emily's words pass underneath her skin. They didn't hurt but seemed to carry a harsh sincerity instead. As they hit her mind, Jane briefly closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

Nobody at this table had children but Emily. It was a choice all the medical examiners had made. Perhaps some of them had seen it as a sacrifice at some point but they now felt fine before it. The professional career they had chosen was singular and had probably weighed in their final decision. Yet that was something none of them was particularly eager to admit.

"You're lucky to have a very understanding husband too. You know what?" Emma winked at her friend. "Actually you're freakin' lucky bitch. He's not even judging your job!"

"We met in med school... He's a pediatrician. He chose life when I chose..." Emily's eyes focused on an invisible point on the table. She pursed her lips under the obvious effort she was making to find the most appropriate word. "I chose justice."

It was probably one of the most peaceful and pleasant Thanksgiving meals Jane had ever attended. She missed her relatives for the ritual aspect their presence tended to bring to the scene but spending this special day with friends only carried a delicate nuance of warmth she liked a lot.

"Justice?" Matthew raised an eyebrow. He looked visibly surprised by Emily's final semantics choice. "That's how you see our job?"

"Yes, don't you? All these... Patients... Who land on our medical tables... There's a loneliness that emanates from them; a vulnerability that asks for nothing but to be eased. We all know most of the cases we get don't turn out to be murders. They are only suspicious deaths that, after further examination, happen to be nothing but natural ones. We make these people justice, in our own way."

The explanation caused Jane to smile. Emily had managed to give humanity to what many people would probably see as a barbaric obligation. The philosophical character the young woman had brought to the fact of performing autopsies was delicate and quite fair.

"What do you think about it, Maura? Why did you choose to become a medical examiner?"

Jane looked down at her plate. She didn't dare to make eye-contact with her partner. She already knew the answer but she lacked the courage it took to ease the fragility that would rise from Maura's explanation; the loneliness she may feel.

A silent sigh passed Maura's lips. She had remained quiet during the conversation about children for she didn't have anything to say regarding such matter. Forensics, however, was a topic she could speak about for endless hours.

"I decided to become a medical examiner to ease the turmoil of the dead – to make sure that they would leave in peace, which is close to what Emily has just said – and because... Because unlike the rest of the crowd, they don't judge me." The silence that followed her confession embarrassed her. She shrugged almost apologetically. "I've not necessarily had a very easy life."

"Because you're a lesbian?"

Of course Vera's direct question caused Jane to choke on her drink. She wasn't sure that she would ever get used to Vera's temper. Maura didn't seem to be bothered by it the slightest bit though. A deep serenity embraced her graceful features as she locked her eyes with her friend's ones.

"I don't consider myself as a lesbian, actually. I am not exclusively attracted to women. That being said, perhaps this side of my identity didn't help either. I don't know... I'm the child other children never really want to interact with. I was a bit special, you know."

Jane felt incredibly guilty. Maura was facing a part of her life that hadn't been easy and she was doing it with a lot of courage. She hadn't broken eye-contact with Vera. On the contrary. She kept on staring at her with determination while a flame of wisdom seemed to dance in her eyes. She had come to term with her past and felt comfortable enough to talk about it right now. Jane was convinced that she would have never been able to do it herself if she had had to.

"Then I'm glad our little group didn't do the same to you. We would have missed a beautiful, meaningful friendship." The smile that lit up Vera's lips went straight to Jane's heart. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need my dose of nicotine."

They hadn't finished the meal but a break was more than welcome anyway. Vera politely nodded at the rest of the table then walked to her coat that she had put down on an armchair. A pleasant – icy – gust of wind slid on Jane's nape the moment Vera opened the sliding doors and stepped out on the terrace, her pack of cigarettes in her hand.

"I agree with you about the kids thing, Em'. I feel exactly the same."

Emily frowned. She seemed rather confused before William's statement. She proceeded to fold her paper napkin then ran her tongue over her lips.

"But you don't have children."

"No, indeed... But I have nephews and boy I'm so glad to not have them around twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. They're nice but gosh... Kids are exhausting!"

Jane barely repressed a giggle until her own mind started its irremediable work of self-wonder. She loved having TJ around but she also enjoyed more than anything her quiet evenings at home with Maura. These weren't something that she was about to sacrifice. Her job was stressful, having Maura's presence by her side helped her overcome it.

She wasn't sure that it would still be possible if they happened to have a baby.

"What about you, Jane? Why did you decide to become a homicide detective?"

It had to happen at some point. As much as she had taken part in the previous conversations, none of them had been directed to her. Matthew's quiet voice floated over the table for a while, giving Jane enough time to prepare a proper answer.

"Some lady came to school one day, she was a cop. She got me hooked. It was... It was just an evidence. As for the homicide part... I don't know, it's like solving a puzzle. I like that. And the adrenalin that comes within... Ahem... Within the whole thing."

She hadn't always seen things this way but now that she thought about it, Jane could say that her best achievements in life came from a sentiment of evidence: her job, her relationship with Maura.

The moment she had read the mail that Maura had sent her from Oregon, everything had become clear in her head. She wasn't alone by then. Most of people who counted in her life were present on that day as they were about to share a barbecue but her feelings had been stronger than all of this. A wakeup call of some sort; that was how she saw it now.

Her usual consciouness that often caused people to think she was prude had broken into a thousand pieces after she had read the mail and she had allowed herself to cry in public. The harshness of something beautiful had hit her rather violently; something she may have repressed for a while. The way she had then rushed to the airport wasn't as spontaneous as it was an act of evidence.

Everything was evident with Maura, absolutely everything.

"It's not an easy job – not for the same reasons as yours – but... I don't think I could do something else. I was made for it, no matter the danger being a detective represents."

She didn't like talking about this part of the job because it was traumatic. The scars she carried on her hands were nothing compared to the ones that kept on burning in her head or deep inside her heart. She knew that there were some things that she would never be able to forget so the best she could do was to simply learn how to live with them. Maura knew it as well. She respected Jane's very own healing process.

The hand slid on her knee with a discreet yet firm confidence. Jane smiled and took a deep breath. Maura had probably felt her slight apprehension over the topic of the conversation and she was offering her a quiet support of some sort.

"I think I admire your guts 'cause I know I wouldn't be able to do half of the things your job pushes you to do."

Emma's remark honestly surprised Jane as she didn't consider herself as someone who had guts. She was full of doubts and insecurities. The face she showed at the BPD was a façade. She didn't say it but she knew it.

She was simply good at her job because she happened to be human.

"I'd... Probably say the same about your job... It's one of the things I admire the most about my wife."

It hit her like a ton of bricks. How a single word could have such effect, Jane had no idea but she certainly felt like dying at the scene the moment she defined Maura as being her wife. What on Earth was she thinking about? Maura was her partner, the person who shared her life. Certainly not her wife.

Jane looked down at her lap. She was mortified.

"And you didn't invite us to the wedding? Now I'm taking it bad, you know." William burst out laughing. He was delighted by Jane's mishap. "I hope you at least took some pics!"

Maura's icy look didn't scare him the slightest bit. On the contrary. His laugh rose even louder in the warmth of the afternoon.