A/N: Miss me? Cause I've missed L/S something fierce. Thank you to the reviewers who keep inspiring me to continue this story, its all for you and you all are so worth it!
She missed London, she really did. She missed the hustle and bustle of the city, the way the breeze cut through the thick air and pushed the hair out of her face for her, she missed the way it rained all the time and the feeling of cleanliness afterwards, but mostly, she missed the trains. She loved riding on the trains more than anything, the Underground was like her home away from home – especially after she had stopped speaking to Severus, it had freed her time up considerably – and while she had always loved the trains, all of the fighting and confusion had given her a new excuse to just go and ride away her anxiety.
There was just something about sitting on a metro, surrounded by people you didn't know and who don't know you, waiting to be taken somewhere, anywhere really. To her it was all quite thrilling. Thrilling and relaxing. It was a paradox that she was well aware of, but didn't worry her, it only soothed her. She didn't have to think about her problems while she rode, she thought about the pregnant woman beside her, a baby growing inside her swollen belly. Or of the business man in the back, reading the paper with a little bit too much concentration. She wondered about where the train would take her next, and what stop she would get off on, just to hop back on to another train that would take her to another platform.
Looking out the window of the Great Hall, seeing the windy, slightly rainy day, made her think of London and the Underground, because on a day like this would be a prime train day. And then, she wouldn't have to be sitting here, thinking about the past few days and Severus in particular.
Alice hadn't been the only one to noticed that something was wrong with her best friend, but besides James – who had been overly clingy as of late – she had been the only one that seemed to care. She knew something had been seriously wrong straight away when Lily had showed up for breakfast Monday morning, it was the way her bright eyes had been downcast, how fragile she had looked; that was not the Lily that Alice knew, so she had gently demanded the details of what had bummed her best friend so. But, Lily was more than bummed, she was broken inside, honestly broken. The things he had said to her...the way in which he had said them...
She had never known Severus to be that cruel, he had very literally used everything she had ever feared against her in one brutal and swift moment. The fear of her parents hating her for being different, for not being able to make them proud of her somehow. She wasn't stupid, she knew that he wasn't the only guilty party, she had hurt him, really destroyed him purposely, and she knew how much he cared for her by the look in his dark eyes; the hurt, the anguish, the love...
God, what had she done?
She had this devastatingly sinking feeling in her chest that she had done some irrevocable damage between them, that nothing might ever be the same. She was having second thoughts about telling him the truth, he had wanted to know, she was an inherently honest person and keeping something like that to herself for so long had been eating away at her conscience. Wasn't that what she had been suppose to do? Wasn't she suppose to tell him the whole truth in the matter?
Apparently now that had been a wrong move. But, she was tired of the secrets, of the lies between them. If they ever wanted to get back to point A – which was looking pretty bleak at this point – they needed to be completely honest with each other. She had laid down the gauntlet in that department and he hadn't reciprocated. He was still lying to her, to her face. He wasn't at all ready to admit the truth to her – what ever truths those may be.
But, they had to get over this, they had to. They would move on, rebuild their feeble friendship and get back to their easy, uncomplicated relationship. Yet, try as she might, she couldn't think of any other ways. Maybe their relationship was too damaged to fix anymore, maybe they had really crossed a line that would never allow them to go back. She knew they would never be best friends again, they couldn't, not after she knew how he felt about her – well, had felt about her – and she knew how she felt about him, there was no way that they could ever go back to being just friends.
No, not after she knew what it was like to kiss him, to feel him against her, to have his body and weight pressed so intimately against hers –
He had touched her in places that she had only gone, and willingly let him do so, and if she had the chance, she would let him do it again and again. She wanted him, she honestly did, and it was the weirdest sensation. She needed to feel him, to kiss him, to touch him, and as much as she hated him for what he had said to her, she still wanted him. Although they hadn't been in the same place at the same time for the past six days, hadn't spoken, or even glance in each others directions at the same time, she could still feel his gaze on her when she wasn't looking, feel the way his eyes raked over her body, her face. He wanted her just as much as she wanted him, if only all of this bullshit wasn't in the way, maybe they could actually do something about it.
She sighed, she could feel his heated gaze on her even now as she sat in the Great Hall, she wouldn't look over to him, because as soon as she moved in the slightest his eyes would move from her and that would be that – and as greedy as it sounded, she needed to know that there was some form of contact still between them. She was clearly not willing to let that go, seeing as it was all she had left from him at the moment.
She bit at her lip, they really did need to at least speak to one another sometime soon, they did still have Head duties to perform, and just because they had a lot of emotional shit to work out didn't mean they didn't still have school and responsibilities to attend to. People were counting on them and she would not be one to disappoint, she wasn't going to let anyone – not even Severus – deter her from that. So, with a deep breath she stood from her place at one of the Gryffindor tables and walked over to the long table that was currently occupied by Severus and his friends.
That rude slutbag – commonly known as Airabella – had her shit all over Severus, she was leaning into him, facing him, one hand playing with the end of his dark hair, the other fidgeting on the table beside his hand. She wanted to yell at the beautiful girl to get her talons off of her Sev, but she somehow found it in her to calm herself. Severus wasn't her's, he was in fact Airabella's, and while it made her sick to her stomach – there was nothing she could do about that fact. After what they had done on Sunday, the way he had spoke to her so gently, worked her so perfectly, kissed her so passionate and tender –
He was still with that horrid excuse of a girl.
She was still with James.
And it sucked.
Royally.
"Severus."
Airabella shot up straight at Lily's voice, her defenses coming up quickly. A scowl was situating itself across her pretty face, her dark eyes narrowed. Narcissa didn't look much different, except for the air of complete arrogance and disinterest that only her and Malfoy ever seemed to possess. The looks from the girls were normal, everyday bitch that Lily was used to by now, but Lucius looked at her with something different. He looked at her as though she were the lowest of the low, a loathing in his eyes that hadn't ever been there before – this was something new. Even Levi looked away sheepishly, and it was then that it dawned on her.
He had told them.
Severus had told the two boys what had transpired six days ago, and they were angry at her. Lucius she could care less about, but Levi...if Levi was mad at her...God...
She felt her chest cave in a little at the thought.
"And what do you want."
She turned and glared sharply at the dark haired girl, "Last time I checked, Roth, I was addressing Severus, did something transpire over the past week that I was unaware of? Was your gender not to your liking any longer?"
Lily could see Levi bite the inside of his cheek to stifle a small chuckle out of the corner of her gaze, well it was good to know that he wasn't actually that mad at her – if he had been she honestly would've cried.
Severus sighed and gently pushed Airabella's possessive arm off of him, looking up at her with a steely gaze, "What do you need, Evans."
Well, it was a start. At least he was using her name again, even if it was just her surname.
"We need to go over a few things for our Head duties, we've put them off long enough and now it catching up to us. So, if you'll come with me to the meeting room we can just get it all out of the way now."
They held the others gaze for a few moments, her voice was hard, there was no hope that he would come, it was demanding him to. Honestly, he had forgotten about being Heads, it had escaped his mind along with school and everything else; all he had been able to think about was her, and how she had hurt him. Because she had, she had hurt him more than anyone ever had, more than when his Father beat him, more than when his Mother told him how worthless he was, more than when Potter told him he hated him for merely existing before bullying the shit out of him. The one person he loved, held above all else, in the highest regard, had fallen hard from grace. And it hurt. She was just as human as him, and somehow that both devastated and excited him.
Levi had found him in the hallway outside of the common room door, sobbing his heart out. His younger brother had never seen him cry like that before and it had scared him, and in response he went and got the only person that they both trusted; Lily. But she had been in worse shape than Severus, curled around herself on the ground in front of the couch, crying harder than he had ever heard anyone cry. He knew that whatever had his brother so devastated had Lily captured as well, so he went to the second person they trusted more than anyone; Lucius.
They had found Severus in the same place Levi had left him, slid down against the stone wall, his head in his hands, his knees to his chest, crying. Surprisingly, Lucius hadn't felt disgusted at seeing such obvious weakness, it had tugged at a part of his soul to see his best friend in such pain, and he knew instantly that it was because of the red head, because of his love for her. They had somehow managed to get Severus to the Room of Requirement and there he was able to tell them what had actually happened in between racked sobs. Lucius didn't know what he would've done if Narcissa had done something like that to him, he knew that he would probably be in relatively the same position as Severus, so he couldn't judge, for once anyway.
Severus had stayed the last six nights in the Room of Requirement, he went to his classes, sat with his friends while they ate, and then went back to the room. For six days that's all he did, he would stare at her from across the hall, begging her to turn and look at him, to give him some kind of reaction.
Time away from her had definitely not been a good thing, all it had done was let him stew in his anger, in his anguish. He wanted to scream at her, to yell until tears came pouring from both their eyes and his throat was impossibly sore, he yearned for her, he wanted to feel her supple body flush against him, to feel her lips on his skin. God, he wanted her, he needed her. And it was killing him.
He nodded and stood slowly, Airabella grabbing his wrist tightly in her grasp, her dark eyes glaring up at him from where she still sat. Something swirling in them that he couldn't quite place. He hadn't told her what had happened, he hadn't really told her much of anything, because they didn't really talk. Just recently she had begun to get quite possessive of him, she didn't like that he was constantly near Lily, even when he assured her that there was absolutely nothing going on between the two of them, she knew. Somehow she always knew. She was much more quick than she liked to appear, even to him.
"He'll meet you there later, Evans." The smaller girl spat out her last name like it was dirt in her mouth, not that she expected much more from the likes of Airabella Roth, but it still made her want to punch the bitch. "Severus and I need to have a little chat first and when he's done he can go run along and play with you."
"How kind of you."
Severus had to keep the slight smirk from forming on his lips at the very evident sarcasm falling from Lily's lips, the roll of her wide eyes only added to the effect. It made him almost proud. He turned to Lily and nodded, he would meet her there. Their eyes met and he felt a shiver involuntarily run through him, she gave him a quick tight lipped smile and walked off, heading towards the Great Hall doors.
Turning to Airabella as she stood, he quirked a brow at her. "And what, may I ask, is so desperately urgent that it couldn't wait another moment?"
She took his larger hand in hers and led him out of the Great Hall – he turned his head to the right and could see Lily walking down the corridor to the Prefect's meeting room, before turning to look where Aira was leading him. She pulled him down an abandoned hallway and pushed him against the wall, she stood in front of him, her dark blue eyes staring up at him, her one hand still entwined with his. She really was beautiful, though in a more concentrated way than Lily was. He brought his free hand up to her face, the back of his fingers brushing against her clear skin, her eyes fluttered shut at the contact. It was honestly the most vulnerable he had ever seen her, and it intrigued him.
Her eyes fluttered open and he leaned down to chastely kiss her lips, "Nothing is going on between Lily and I."
She stepped back just a bit, he watched as her eyes hardening back up until they became the cool, royal blue once again. That was a reason it would never really work between them, right there. She either couldn't or didn't trust him enough to let any of her walls down. She wasn't even the least bit open with him, how did she expect him to return the favor?
Airabella gazed at him with that deep look again, the one he couldn't place, the emotion he couldn't name. "Then what is going on between the two of you."
It wasn't a question, and he wasn't sure how to respond to it. What was going on between them? At this stage of the game, he was pretty sure Airabella had more of an idea of what was happening between Lily and himself than he did.
"We just had another falling out, she turned out to hurt me more than I thought she could." He tried not to let the hurt fall into his voice, but he was positive that some had managed to creep into it anyway.
"What happened?"
It was the first genuine question Airabella had really ever asked him and it was said with just real curiosity, no malicious undertones. He was surprised.
"She just... isn't who I thought she was. And I don't know if it's indirectly my fault or not."
She held his gaze, her stunning eyes boring into his, looking for any kind of weakness, of betrayal. But, little did she know that Severus was the master at hiding secrets. He almost felt sorry for lying to her, but then he remembered who she really was, who they were, and it didn't hurt him as much as it has before. She seemed to believe his words and stepped back from away from him, running a hand over pleated skirt before nodding her head sharply.
"Keep your tomorrow night free, he wants to meet you."
He quirked a brow in questioning and tilted his head to the side, "He?"
She narrowed her eyes at him slightly, "Don't act naive Severus, it's unbecoming. I suppose I'll see you later, you know where to find me."
She started to walk away before he called out to her, "Airabella." She turned her head to look at him from where she had been walking away, she could see the desperation in his eyes. "Why me?"
She gave him a small half smile, her eyes boring into his own with so much intensity, yet he couldn't describe any of it. "I'll see you later, Severus."
He sighed as he watched her walk away from him, he wondered why he put up with so much bullshit in his life. His relationship with Airabella was trying and sometimes he wondered if all this was even worth it, if being accepted was worth fighting with Lily, was worth living a lie. It was all he had ever wanted and yet, now that he finally had it, he wasn't sure that he wanted to hold on to it.
Then, of course, there was yet another matter at hand, the matter of what their Dark Lord wanted with him. But, that was a question for another time, he had other situations at the moment, ones that were less urgent but no less important.
He had come to realize that being with Airabella was quite complicated, he wasn't naive, he knew that any relationship would require work and effort, but this was just more so. Airabella herself was complicated, she was secretive, bitter, bitchy, and cold. She didn't like to be told what to do, didn't enjoy anything that required too much effort, and abhorred anyone that she deemed lower than herself. She was his opposite in many ways, and more like him that anyone he had ever met, and for some reason he found that it bothered him.
He started the trek down to the meeting room, it wasn't a particularly long walk, he just wasn't in the mood to deal with this, to deal with her or his emotions regarding her. He still wasn't over what she had confessed to him, he tried not to think about it, but it was the only thing he could think about, it consumed him. Just the knowledge that she could stoop so low, that she could come down to Potter's level, it burned him.
He strolled down the hallways, passing the few stray students that were late for classes, his hands pushed deep in his pockets. He stopped in front of the doorway to the Prefects meeting room, he leaned against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest, glancing around.
She stood with her profile to him, tacking things on the cork-board that stood in front of her, reading them over, then rearranging them to her liking. She tucked a thick lock of hair behind her ear, giving him a better view of her pale face, he noted that she looked paler than usual, tired, sleep deprived. Her long hair was wild and untamed, like she couldn't be bothered to care with it in the six days that he had been staying out of the dorms. He privately found that he rather liked it like this, all unkempt and loose, but he would never tell her that.
He couldn't help but curse at himself, he was suppose to hate her, loath her, wish that he had never met her, and all those terribly cliche things. But, here he was, admiring her from afar, yet again, wondering about her wellbeing - he could tell that she hadn't been eating all that much - and wishing that he didn't.
He felt strangely young in that moment, as though he were twelve again and watched Lily from a distance. Longing and desire burning deep at the core of his being. He didn't like it.
He watched her reach up and unpin one of the papers from the board – it always astounded him that she chose to do certain things the muggle way even though she was a witch, the very thing that she fought so hard to convince everyone else of, and she was forever choosing to do things the hard way. She stood on her tip toes to grab one of the pieces of paper, accentuating her length, and it also reminded him of things he'd rather not think about at the moment. Mainly the early part of Sunday, the wonderfully orgasmic part of Sunday that would forever live on in his memories and dreams.
No matter how mad he was at her, or disgusted, or upset, he was still in love with her, he still wanted her mind, body, and soul. And that clearly wasn't about to change anytime soon.
"What are you doing?"
He watched as she jumped and turned around to face him, her hand over her chest, her breathing slightly labored and her eyes wide. "Jesus, Severus!"
"I asked you a question."
She watched as he pushed off the doorframe and strolled over to where she stood next to a table, the large board in front of her. She narrowed her eyes at him, resisting the urge to hit, "Don't startle me and I'll be able to respond quicker." She turned away from him, pinning yet another piece of paper to the growing collage in front of her, he leaned closer to inspect it. "It's ideas and themes for the ball."
He turned and faced her quickly, brows furrowed. "Excuse me? Ball?"
She rolled her eyes, "Yes, a ball. As in a dance."
He crossed his arms over his chest in indigence, "I know what a ball is, I just wasn't aware that we were throwing one."
Lily sighed, "Well, if we hadn't been fighting and avoiding each other for weeks on end, then we might've actually been able to get some work done."
So she was making the first move to go there, touché, he didn't think she had it in her. Avoidance was an art that they were both fluent in, he was just surprised that she had brought it up, because he honestly wouldn't have minded ignoring it all together until he had enough time to heal and get over it. He knew she was right though, they had been avoiding their school work as of late, and that was never good.
She raised her eyes to his, looking up at him through her lashes. He tightened his jaw, he could do this, he could work with her. "Thanks for stating the obvious, anything else you'd like to point out?"
She glanced him up and down before returning her gaze to the papers in front of her. "You're tie is incorrectly fastened."
He couldn't contain the smirk that fell on his lips, she could be real cheeky.
"So, when even is this thing?" He was running his fingers over the papers tacked to the board, as if by touching them then he would absorb the knowledge faster than she could tell it, how very typical Sev.
"Halloween night."
She could practically hear the scoff before it was actually out loud, the disgusted tone wasn't a shock either. "How terribly cliche, I mean a dance on All Hallows Eve? We might as well make it a masquerade ball while we're at it."
She pointed a finger at one of the cards, "That's one of the ideas."
He turned his head to look at her, "You can't be serious."
She shrugged a shoulder, "I didn't say we should pick it, but its there as an option." He glanced over the other things she had written down, there were themes and ideas like she had pointed out, but there was also different types of food and drinks on one card, decorations, colors, tasks for the Prefects to accomplish on others. Everything one could possibly think of for a ball was sitting right in front of him. If Lily was anything, she was incredibly organized and thorough, that was for sure. "So, I know that we need a theme for it, like whether it should be a costumed ball or not, and if so, what kind. Like, should everyone have specific costumes, or should we let them choose their own, or – "
She was starting to ramble, trying to prove her point to him – which, this time, she didn't need to. He knew that she was stressed out, about them, about where they stood, he understood that because he felt the same way. But, he also knew Lily, and he knew that if she didn't calm down, she would be frantic for the rest of their meeting. And he really he'd really like to avoid if he could.
"Okay, okay, Lil, I got it. Costumes or no costumes, check."
She looked up at him through her lashes, breathing in through her nose for a moment, regaining her composure. "Alright, sorry. I'm just...I'm a little off about – this."
She didn't use hand signals, didn't gesture between them, he knew what she meant, what she was nervous about. It wasn't something that needed to be said, so he let it go, "So, costumes, or no costumes?"
He watched her lean up and pluck a paper from the board, "Well, I took the liberty of writing down pros and cons for each."
She handed him the card, Lily tended to be over zealous in her school work when something upset her, that's what made her such a good Prefect and Head Girl, she was willing to do the long hours and dig in deep. It worked out well with her hectic social life, which was usually in shambles anyway. He looked down at the parchment, weighing her pros and cons, laughing at a few of them.
"I'd say go with the costumes, it will make the students happy...let them pick what their costumes are, but keep it themed, that way we can't get in trouble if someone comes in with something too revealing."
She nodded, he was right, this was why she needed him around, needed his opinion. "Alright, so...would it be too cheesy to go with the masquerade theme then?"
He shrugged a broad shoulder, "I suppose not, I mean thinking logically, most of the students here aren't muggle born, they would wear dress robes anyway. So, rationally speaking, I guess it wouldn't be so off to consider it."
"So, yes?"
He looked over into her eyes, still shocked by the width of them, the green. "As much as it physically pains me to say, yes. Go with the masquerade theme."
She kept his gaze for a moment longer before tearing it away, looking back at the board. "Okay."
They sat talking for a while longer, going over the other aspects of the dance, it was only a little while away, they really had put their work far behind them and now it was most definitely catching up to them. They tried very hard to keep things civil between them, speaking lightly, dancing around any subject that could've been taken towards their relationship. It was hard and awkward, neither of them knowing exactly how to work around the other, it was something that had never happened between them before.
In all of their fights and all of their silences, they were never unable to deduce what the other would do next. Now, it seemed as though they were playing by no rules, they were skirting around unsure of how they would react. It was exhausting.
She kept looking at him out of the corner of her eye, trying not to look right into his gaze – as if by somehow avoiding it, everything would go back to being better. Although, she didn't hold her breath.
God, she wished that this whole thing had never happened, she wished that she had never approached him during the summer, wished that she had never tried to be civil, wished that she had never tried to figure out what was wrong with him. But, as hard as she tried, she couldn't wish Sunday way, even the bad.
He knew everything now, there were no secrets on her end, everything was out in the open. The only thing that was kept hidden was how they actually felt about each other, and she knew that it would probably stay that way for some time to come. She couldn't force him to admit that he was in love with her, to dump the rancid bitch Airabella, and make with the loving already. It just wasn't going to happen that way.
But, looking at him – at the dark hair tucked behind his ears and out of his face, at his soft, dark eyes, his strong, defined jaw – she couldn't help but hope. She hoped that things would work out for them, she hoped that they could get past this, she hoped that he could still see her in the same light as before, but it was all just hopefulness.
Right now though, that was about all she had.
