Over come with emotions and unsure where to turn, I headed to a friend's house; a friend I knew I could depend on being awake at this early hour. I knew my friends well. There was a handful who would be up before 11am and most of that handful I wouldn't actually go to in a time like this. I didn't feel like being ranted at by an outsider of the situation.
Jekyll lived about 2 miles away, a journey I could do by foot in a little under 35 minutes if I walked at a good pace. Considering his love to drink until he became unconscious, the vocalist was always an early bird. He was always washed, dressed and fed by 8 o clock sharp, whether he had something important to do that day or not. With racing thoughts, time went by quickly as I marched my way to his home. My mouth became dry and uncomfortable, but I kept on, rubbing my tongue round my teeth in hope of saliva. I kept a brave face as I passed people, although they all seemed too absorbed in their own problems to take even a glance at me. They all strolled by with ambition, accept for one teenager who shuffled by with his gaze to the floor, as if eye contact from anyone would kill him.
As soon as I had passed through the front gate to Jekyll's bungalow, I ran to the door and knocked hard and repeatedly. After about 20 repetitive knocks, the door opened unexpectedly, my fist just missing my friend's face.
"Woah! Dude-"
I pushed passed the shocked man without a greeting and headed to the kitchen.
"Why don't you come in?!" I heard Jekyll yell after me sarcastically, a laugh in his line.
I headed straight to the tap, not bothering with a glass, and shoved my head on to it. I turned the handle and felt my body relax as the cool, sweet mixture lubricated my mouth and quenched by thirst at last. I instantly felt better.
"Hits-" I felt a palm on my shoulder. "Are you alright?"
I turned off the tap and brought my head away, panting. Wiping my mouth on my shirt sleeve, I turned round.
"Sorry..." Was all I could say, breathless.
"Look, it's cool,man, but what's going on?" Jekyll put his hands on hips, flipping a strand of ginger hair out of his eyes.
I swallowed hard before finally saying "Ruki kicked me out"
"Ah!" Jekyll's reply "Lover's tiffs, ay?"
"No, not exactly" I heaved a heavy sigh as I leaned on the counter, staring in to the sink "He has perfectly good reason to kick me out"
I pushed myself off the counter and swiveled round to face Jekyll.
"Like what?" the vocalist frowned.
I gritted me teeth
"Jek, I've done something awful!"
"It can't be that bad, I'm su-"
"I slept with a random girl at a party last night!"
Silence hit the kitchen hard and refused to leave. I could feel Jekyll's icy stare as his eyes bore into me as if he couldn't decide whether he believed me or not.
"Bullshit" he spat
"Jek... It really happened!"
Jekyll folded his arms "Go on"
"It was a party last night and-"
"Can we cut to the basics instead of the entire description of your night including every toilet break and every rude comment you were given? I don't care what you were drinking either"
I blinked, cleared my throat and started again "I met a nice girl, we got on well. We were still awake, and pretty hammered when the party ended and we both stayed at Haru's house-"
"Who the hell is Haru?" Jekyll asked with half his upper lip raised in an unimpressed fashion.
"Friend. Met him on the street once. He was the guy who was having the party" I explained quickly, trying to stick to basics as ordered. "We laughed for hours-"
"Pointless information!"
"And we ended up having sex and falling asleep on the sofa." I finished, my words tasting sour in my mouth.
Jekyll stared at me in horror. He chewed his bottom lip, giving the impression that he was thinking deeply. I felt uncomfortable under his stare. It felt like he was reading my mind and soul, finding all the weaknesses and downfalls.
"Well" he finally spoke with a sigh "No one just does something like this. There must be an underlining reason as to why you did it"
I groaned in annoyance, running my fingers through my hair. Jekyll was quick to offer me a fresh morning coffee and I couldn't say no. With warm coffees in our hands, we stepped out the glass french doors that led from the kitchen to Jekyll's patio, and sat down on a grey step. One of Jekyll's cats, a monstrous animal with one eye, one ear, strange bowed back legs and a matted coat stumbled out the house to sit in front of me. The old cat was appropriately named Creature due to his unfortunate appearance. Take in mind, the poor thing's appearance came to be long before Jekyll took him in. What happened to poor Creature is a mystery, but vets assumed he was an unfortunate cat with deformed legs from birth and his lacking of two working ears and two seeing eyes were from being in a fight. Even so, Creature seemed to be a happy cat as he closed his one eye to enjoy the morning breeze.
"So what's been going on with you and Ruki?" Jekyll asked as if he was a normal question for the situation.
I shrugged "Nothing. It's all been normal"
"Well. Maybe that's it then" Jekyll pulled a cigarette out his pocket "Maybe you've grown bored of the relationship and need something new and exciting-"
"No! Never!" I was quick to argue. I was completely sure I wasn't bored with Ruki. I loved him.
"So you still have the simple feeling called love?" Jekyll sneered. He was the kind of person who found love to be slightly over rated. Jekyll believed love was for the middle-aged and for the use of reproduction.
I rolled my eyes before nodding.
"And you know he feels the same?"
I nodded "I think so. I mean, he never says it but-"
"Do you say it?"
"What... That I love him?"
"Well if that's the thing he never says, then yep. That." Jekyll promptly lit his cigarette with a match, shaking out the flame and throwing the burnt wood to the damp grass.
Creature watched as the match flew through the air and disappeared among the green.
"Of course I do"
"Well maybe that's it then. Maybe you need to hear him say it" Jekyll spoke as he offered me a cigarette.
"Thanks" I pulled a cancer stick out the blue and white box "But he doesn't have to say" I argued as I fiddled in my jean pocket for a lighter.
Jekyll shrugged, staring out into his garden. For a short while, we sat in silence, simply smoking away and bathing in our thoughts. Creature began to wander off as we became silent, skipping oddly across the garden before suddenly disappearing underneath a pink bush. Jekyll mumbled something that I couldn't understand.
"Beg pardon?"
"I said" Jekyll spoke, a grey cloud flowing out of his lips "Is Ruki hanging out without anyone new?"
"Not that I know of. Why?"
Before another word could be said, our conversation was interrupted by my phone rattling around in my pocket. I pulled it out, apologizing to Jekyll as I approved the call.
"Hullo?"
"Hey, man..." Haru's voice was slow and weak as he greeted me "Um. You okay?"
"Yes" I replied suspiciously "Are you still drunk?"
"Uh... Me and Mizuki did shots this morning. We thought it be funny but it... It kind of sucks, y'know?"
I hummed a reply, a smirk on my face.
"Anyway" I heard giggling in the background "We... We were playing this game, kind of, last night, right?"
"I didn't know but okay"
"Well I... I said to Yuuri 'I bet you can't get 20 kisses of 20 guys' and she was like 'yeah I can' and-"
I felt uncomfortable as Haru continued to rambling about this childish bet. I felt sick. Had I just been part of a bet for Yuuri? Did she have sex with me just to make sure she would win? Was it a forfeit of some kind? For some reason, these possibilities made the whole thing feel worse for me.
"- Since she had her op and she's all woman, she wanted to get guys and I said that being a tran would be make it difficult-"
That line knocked me out of my thoughts "I beg your pardon? Did you say trans?"
"Yuuri's a transexual. Didn't you know? It doesn't matter. Did you kiss her? If so we count 17 so far-"
"I'll talk to you later Haru. I've got a head ache" I quickly hung up before Haru could convince me otherwise.
"You alright?" Jekyll frowned at me, sipping his coffee.
I licked my lips, unsure of how to explain the latest information
"You know when you find out something, shall we say, odd but you don't think you should find it odd?" Was the best opening line I could think of.
Jekyll's left eyebrow raised quizzically "No, but go on..."
"It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything"
"Hits-"
"Jekyll, please tell me what to do!" I pleaded, with a desperate look on my face.
My odd little friend seemed taken aback by my request. He blinked at me. I rambled on to him about my guilt and how I adored Ruki without a doubt, how last night had meant nothing and how I just wished I could erase it all.
Jekyll stared at the pavement and shook his head "You know what I'm going to say"
My stomach became tight.
"You need to go back and talk to him. Simple as"
"But I have! I just been there, I-"
My argument was invalid. Jekyll ordered me to go back and apologise again. The sing was honest with me, and as much as I hadn't wanted to hear it, I think we all know I had to realise that I was the one in the wrong.
I stayed at Jekyll's until the late afternoon. Creature returned around midday. For half an hour he sat on my lap and was a great comfort to me, before he skipped off to an unknown part of the house. My friend and I drank tea, watched Alien and laughed at each other's jokes, allowing me to forget my guilt for a short time. Once it reached half three, I knew I couldn't procrastinate for much longer. Jekyll was kind enough to offer me a lift home. After a debate, I allowed him to drop me off. In honesty, I didn't feel like walking home alone. I didn't want to be left with my thoughts. I wanted to carry on being distracted and put off my awkward return home. But I had to leave at some point. The car ride was gentle at the start, but the air became thick. It's an amenity that Jekyll can understand me, even in unrelateable situations. Having dropped me home, he left Jekyll bidding me luck and promised that he would supply a bed for the night if I needed it. I admire my friend for being so kind and strong.
Once he had driven off, my heart sank. I slowly walked towards my front door, my sweating hands fondling in my pocket for my keys. With a heavy sigh, I stuck the key in the lock and entered. The house seemed empty. I searched down stairs and found no one. No Ruki and no dogs. As I became aflutter, I head upstairs with irrational fear remained, but I was relieved to find Ruki in our bedroom, along with our dogs who had made themselves comfy on the rug. Ruki was perched at his boudoir on a black stall. He twitched as I entered and I notice his refection's eyes fly towards me for a moment, only to return to center. He ignored me and carried on curling his blonde locks. Zera, our poodle, was the only one awake among our dogs and didn't hesitate to run over to me to give a loving greeting. I picked her up in my arms, holding her close and secure before I cleared my throat and began to walk over to the singer. The closer I got to Ruki, the dirtier I felt.
"Ruki?" I whispered, unsure of what else to say.
He didn't look at me, but simply finished curling the final lock of hair before placing the tongs on the dressing table. He didn't look at me, instead staring coldly at his own reflection.
"Ruki... I'm sorry. I know I had no excuse for what I did, but there was ammunition" I stuttered on, stroking Zera in an attempt to stay calm "I mean, the car ride... The things you were saying. I was convinced you didn't want me anymore. I still think you've had enough of us. I-"
"I didn't mean I didn't want to be with you" Ruki said sternly, finally speaking "If you want me to be honest, I just wondering how you could want to be with me. I'm so hideous." Ruki's hand drifted to his cheek, his fingr tips gliding down until it reached the skin of his neck. "My neck is swollen, my eyes are tiny and my voice is croaky. I'm still better than what most people could get as a partner, but-" Ruki finally swung round in his chair to look at me "But you're, like, this cool dude with a no-care attitude. I can't stand anything that isn't perfection. I didn't understand how we go together or how we've ever got on. Now I understand... That I was just a fill in until you found something better"
Ruki's confession felt like a sharp stab in my heart.
"But I don't see anything wrong with you" I bent down in front of him, releasing Zera on to the carpet "I just like you because-"
Ruki snorted at me before speaking in a cruel voices "Your attempts to worm your way back into my good books is futile"
My words dissolved in my head until only one remained.
"Sorry" I swallowed hard "I love you, Ru"
"Stop it. You make me want to vomit"
"I mean it. I really do. I don't why I did what I did, I regret it, I'll always regret it"
Ruki sighed "You wouldn't of done it if it would leave you feeling as bad as you declare" at last, the singer swiveled on his chair "Did you like fucking another man-?"
"It was girl!" I swallow "Kind of"
"Kind of?" Ruki's nose wrinkled
"Well... I think she may have been tran, but that doesn't mat-"
"Is that what's wrong with me? I'm not girly enough?"
"There's nothing wrong with you"
"Clearly they must be. Do you want to grow tits, hmm? Would that make you more attracted to me? Are you that sexual confused, you fuck?!"
"Ruki, that isn't it at all" I jabbered on "I was just hurt and-"
"Well now I'm hurt!" Ruki yelled, standing up and kicking the stall, sending to to crash into the bed post.
The dogs awoke to the sudden sound, and didn't stay for a second longer. I watched them sadly that the hopped out the room, one sobbing in fear.
"How could you do this to me? Am I really that beneath you that you can just push me aside?" he cried out, stamping a foot in rage.
I turned away and stared at the floor.
"What did I ever do, eh? What did I do that made my feelings mean nothing to you?"
I gritted my teeth, closing my eyes tightly and swallowing. I couldn't bare this moment.
"Look at me!"
I couldn't.
"LOOK AT ME!"
As I dared to open my eyes again, I saw him stomp over to me grabbing my the shirt.
"Tell me what I did!" he screamed "Tell me!" he shook me "Tell me now!"
"You were an emotionless arsehole!" I shouted back into his face "All I ever wanted was for you to love me and you act so distance and angry with me all the time. I felt like a burden, Taka! I felt like I was the only one keeping us together! That's what you did! You made me feel like an unloved burden in your life"
I was breathless and he was silent. We just stared into each other's angry eyes, unable to look away. Ruki bit his lip and nodded his head at me as a single tear fell from his eye. I could see the angry about to explode out again.
"I hate it!" Ruki screeched, gripping on to me shirt collar tighter.
"I hate it..." his voice became soft, barely a whisper "I hate how it's so hard and you can hurt me so much"
I shook my head "I never wanted to do this. I love you... It was a mistake, I-"
My words were blocked as Ruki's lips crashed into mine, shocking me.
"Just shut up... Please. Just shut up"
His hands released my collar and his arms wrapped my neck, his head disappearing onto my shoulder. With nervous, shaking arms, I hugged him round the waist and held him close, leaning my own head on his shoulder.
I had never hated myself so much.
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