Hermione, Harry and Draco walked back to the Castle in silence. Hermione was trying to figure out why Ron was being such a jerk, Harry was thinking about his decision to cut the Weasley's out of his life, and Draco was still fuming about Ron jinxing him.
Hermione and Draco were laying in bed later that night, soft music playing, just enjoying eachother's company.
Draco had his head nestled in Hermione's hair, his arms around her waist. Hermione was tracing the scars on his left wrist. Draco sucked in a deep breath as she touched a fresh one.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, leaning down to kiss his wrist.
Draco closed his eyes. Hermione looked up at him.
"Why do we do this?" She asked quietly.
"Hmm?" He asked, opening his eyes slowly.
"Why do we... harm ourselves. We've already had so much pain in our lives. Why cause more?"
Draco looked at her thoughtfully.
Hermione continued. "I mean, it feels good...great...wonderful, when I do it. But later... I look at my scars with disgust. I don't … I don't know.."
Draco opened his mouth to say something, but Hermione cut him off.
"It doesn't even feel that amazing until the day after. That sting when I touch them. It feels amazing. Whenever I stop for a few days. I long for that feeling. Of the day after. The sharp pain that I feel. It reminds me that I'm alive. There's no other feeling like it. I miss it. As wrong as that sounds.."
Draco stroked her hair, "no," he started, "it doesn't sound wrong. I know exactly what you mean. I try to resist it. But it just feels too good..." He trailed off.
Hermione nodded. She turned to face him, she had tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Draco."
He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her,
"Shh, it's fine. I'm here love, I'll never leave, I promise. I love you. It'll be okay." He whispered.
"No, Draco, it's not going to be okay." She started again, pulling away. "Please don't hate me... But I have to tell you this, while I'm .. I .. I'm so.. So thankful that you came in when you did, you know, the first week of school? You have no idea.. What I was going to do..."
Draco looked at her with a pained expression on his face. He too pulled back. They sat on opposite sides of the bed now. Legs crossed. Hermione looked down into her lap, Draco was staring at Hermione.
Was she saying what he thought she was saying? Was she going to commit suicide that day that he walked in on her? Had he really come that close to loosing her?
"Hermione." He said shakily, half wanting to know, and half not wanting to hear her answer. But he needed to know.
"Hermione," he began again, "were you going to commit suicide? Were you going to … kill yourself?"
Hermione didn't look at him. She continued to stare down at her lap.
"It doesn't matter anymore." She whispered. "It's over now.."
"It is not over, Hermione." Draco said worriedly. "It's never over. You need to tell me. So I can help you."
Hermione glared. "No-one can "help" me. I'm screwed up, and you can't fix me."
Draco looked at her in disbelief. Did she really feel this way? Did she really think that she was that messed up? He wanted to help her. He needed to help her. Why couldn't she see that he needed her just as much as she needed him? He wouldn't be able to live without her.
"Hermione." He began slowly. "Hermione. You understand that if you did kill yourself, it would be permanent... That you couldn't just change your mind and come back? No matter how much you wanted to. That .. I can't live without you..."
Hermione finally looked up. "No." She said. "Don't say that. You lived without me before. You can live without me now."
"Hermione..." Draco paused. "Wait.. What did you mean I can live without you now? I can't and I wont. Because you're not going anywhere."
Draco could see that his words weren't sinking in. That he wasn't getting anywhere. She looked back down at her lap, he could see tears dripping down her face. He felt bad doing this, but she had to understand the level of his feelings towards her.
"If you kill yourself," he said finally. "I'll kill myself too."
Hermione looked up. "No!" She shouted. "No. I wont let you."
"You'd be dead." He said blankly. "You wont be able to do anything about it."
Hermione launched herself forward into his arms. "Please Draco." She sobbed, "please don't. Please. I love you. I wont do it, I promise. Just please. Don't."
His strong arms circled around her and he pulled her close, breathing in the scent of her hair and rubbing his hands up and down her back.
"Shh," He whispered, "I'm not going anywhere as long as you don't. Shhh, it'll all be fine, it's fine love. It's going to be okay. I love you."
He continued whispering soothing things in her ear as she continued to cry.
"I'm sorry." She said through her tears, "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry."
"Hey," Draco said gently, "hey, it's fine. I love you. Everything's going to be okay. I promise."
And for a few weeks it was okay. Hermione didn't get anymore detentions, but both Severus and Draco continued to watch her, concerned for her safety. Severus also watched Draco. He saw how much he cared about Hermione, and he saw how much Hermione cared about Draco. It was good for them, he decided. They both had at least one person who loved them. And for now, that was all they needed.
Draco and Harry were actually getting along. They looked past their differences, and focused on the two things they had in common. Quidditch and Hermione. They became... Friends. Hermione enjoyed watching them argue about which broomstick went faster, or which plays were most effective to beat the other team.
One day, when they were having one of their petty, but friendly, arguments about which team was better, Hermione walked up to them and kissed Draco on the forehead.
"Babe," she smiled, "I'm going to go to the library."
Draco looked up from laughing at something Harry had said and nodded. "Are you okay to go by yourself?" He asked.
"Yeah, I'll be fine." She said, rolling her eyes. "I'm just going to the library, don't worry so much."
Draco smiled. "Okay, have fun." He leaned up and gave her a quick peck on the lips, then turned back to Harry.
"Now, where was I? Oh yes. We clearly have the better team." He said haughtily.
"So that's why you haven't won a game yet?" Harry asked, his eyebrows raised. "That makes perfect sense."
Hermione walked out of the common room shaking her head, and started walking towards the library.
As she meandered through the halls, Hermione had a small smile on her face. The last few weeks had been amazing. Harry was really a great friend and had put his differences aside in order to get along with her boyfriend, which he didn't have to do. Just accepting them was enough for her. But this made her beyond happy. Things were going so good, that looking back, she had to have known something bad was going to happen.
She was almost to the library when she heard soft footsteps behind her. She turned around, but there wasn't anyone there.
Odd. She thought. But ignored it, and continued walking.
They started again. She turned around and saw Ron staring at her. A strange look on his face.
"Oh." Hermione said, startled, "I didn't see you before...Hey."
"Hello." Ron said eerily.
"H..How are you?" She asked. She was starting to get a little freaked out. She recognized his expression, but she couldn't pinpoint where exactly she knew it from.
"I'm good." He said slowly. "What about you Hermione. How are you."
"I'm g-good." She stuttered a little.
He walked forward and she stumbled back into a wall.
"Don't be scared Hermione." Said Ron, taking her face in his hands. The leery look was back.
Hermione's heart thudded in her chest, she remembered. That was the same look her father had right before he-
Ron pushed Hermione into the wall and roughly kissed her.
Hermione struggled, trying to break free, but Ron was too strong for her.
One of his hands traveled down to the waistband of her pants, and the other molested her chest. His lips were still on hers, she tried to scream, but he took the hand off her chest and smacked her across the face.
She fell silent. Tears dripping down her cheeks.
Not again. Not again. Please not again. Kept going through her head. Not again. I thought this was over. Help me. Help me somebody, please. She thought.
Ron took out his wand and put a silencing charm on her. Then he dragged her to a nearby classroom. Hermione stopped struggling, she knew it was pointless.
He threw her down on the floor and climbed on top of her, unbuttoning her pants as he did so. She started crying again. He ignored her tears and unbuttoned his own pants.
"You want this, Hermione." He sneered, "you know you do. You don't want the slimy ferret. You want me. I'm better then him, Hermione. You know it. I know it."
Hermione shook her head.
Ron viciously slapped her. "Agree with me, dammit! It'll be much worse for you if you don't."
Hermione stopped crying. Her eyes went blank. She had managed to go to her place again. The same place she went when her father was the one raping her.
When Ron finished violating her. He hit her one more time for good measure, and stood up, wiping himself on her robes. He took the silencing charm off her.
"Tell anyone about this, and I'll kill you, Hermione. You understand me?"
Hermione nodded. Still not making a sound.
"Do you understand me?" He asked again, walking towards her, his wand drawn.
"Y-yes." She forced out.
"Good." He muttered, walking out of the room.
Hermione curled up into a ball and sobbed. She couldn't believe it had happened again. She had let it happen again.
After a few minutes she stood up, ignoring the pain. And taking out her wand, she conjured up a mirror. She winced at her reflection.
Hermione cast a few concealment charms over her bruises and a healing spell on her split lip.
She walked out of the abandoned classroom and towards the library. Trying not to think about what had occurred over the last hour. She wished she had let Draco or at least Harry come with her. Maybe then this wouldn't have happened. But it might have happened at a later time... She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the memories.
She walked into the library, grabbed the first book she found and walked out again.
She made her way quickly back to her dorms. Trying to figure out what she was going to tell Draco. Ron had told her not to tell anyone. But how could she not?
She whispered the password to the portrait, braced herself. And walked into the common room.
Draco and Harry looked up from their discussion.
"Hey!" Draco said happily, standing up and walking towards her, "we were starting to worry something happened. How was the library?"
Hermione shrank back a little as Draco pulled her into a hug, but then told herself that it was just Draco, he wasn't going to hurt her.
Yeah, she thought, that's what I thought about Ron too.
Draco noticed something was off about Hermione.
"Hermione?" He asked hesitantly. "Is something wrong? Did something happen?"
She shook her head, cleared her throat and said, looking down at her feet "no, nothing happened, I'm just .. tired.. I'll.. see you later...I love you." And walked up the stairs to her dorm, closing the door softly behind her.
Draco looked up after her. Then he turned to Harry. "Do you think something happened?"
Harry too was looking at Hermione's door. "She was acting a little strange..." He said thoughtfully. "But maybe it's nothing."
"Yeah..." Muttered Draco, "maybe.."
Hermione turned on some music and started crying again. She couldn't handle this. She couldn't go through that happening again. And she knew that Ron wasn't going to stop with just one time. He was going to do it again, and again and again. There was only one thing she could do.
Downstairs, Harry said goodbye to Draco, he had to finish a potions essay and look up some Herbology facts in the library.
Hermione took out a sheet of parchment and a quill and started writing.
Dear Draco,
I am so, so sorry that I'm doing this to you. But I'm just not strong enough. I tried. Really I tried. The last few weeks were amazing. But today... When I was on my way to the library, I ran into Ron. He raped me Draco. And I know that he's not just going to stop there. He is going to continue until the day I die. He told me that if I told anyone what he did, he'd kill me. And I don't want him to kill me. I want to have control over me. So I'm choosing for that day to be today. I don't want to hurt you anymore Draco, that's why I'm doing this. Please don't kill yourself. You deserve to live and be free of me and my screwed up self. I hope you find someone out there worthy of you.
I love you.
Never forget that.
Thank you for making the last few months the most amazing months of my life.
All my love,
Hermione
She left the note on her desk, the ink drying. She started crying again. Damn Ron and his stupid actions. She sighed. She knew what she had to do now. There was no backing out.
Hermione took out her knife and sat on her bed, she looked around at her room, picked up her wand, and changed the music.
"Don't look at me…
Mmmmmmm, oohhh. Mmm, ahhh, mmm.
Every day, is so wonderful, and suddenly, it's hard to breathe. Now and then, I get insecure. From all the pain. I'm so ashamed. I am beautiful, no mater what they say, words can't bring me down.
I am beautiful, in every single way, yes words can't bring me down, oh no. So don't you bring me down, today. Mmmmm. Mm. To all your friends, you're delirious, so consumed…"
She started crying. She didn't want to do this, but she had to.
She changed the song again.
"I need another story, something to get off my chest. My life gets kind of boring, need something that I can confess, till all my sleeves are stained red, from all the truth I said…"
Hermione took the knife and slashed her wrist with it. She felt the blood pooling on her bed, she took the knife in her other hand. There was a lot of blood. It was warm. She felt faint. She slashed her other wrist. She dropped the knife and laid down.
Draco looked up from the fire. He smiled. He'd heard those songs before. When him and Hermione first opened up to eachother. When Hermione was going to-... his blood ran cold.
He leaped up and took the stairs three at a time. Hoping he wasn't walking in on his worst nightmare.
He there open the door and stood there in disbelief. Hermione was lying on her bed, blood pouring out of her wrists. A note on her otherwise empty desk.
Hermione looked at the blurry figure in the doorway.
"I love you Draco." She whispered as she closed her eyes. She smiled. Darkness enveloped her.
"No!" Draco shouted. He ran over to her and whispered spells, sewing up her cuts. He stood over her for what felt like hours, but in reality was only about fifteen minutes, preforming a blood-transfusion spell. Taking blood from his body, and putting into hers. He felt her wrist for a pulse. It was faint. But it was there.
"Oh thank god." He breathed a sigh of relief.
He spoke cleaning charm and all the blood she had spilled was siphoned off the bed. He laid down next to her in the bed, pulling her close.
"You scared me, Hermione." He whispered. "I love you so much. Don't you ever do that ever again."
He looked around the room, and taking out his wand, he turned off the music. His eye caught the note on her desk again.
"Accio note." He said.
It flew over to him, and he read it.
Each word filling him with a sad fury.
He was going to murder Ronald Weasley. How dare he drive his Hermione to do what she almost succeeded in doing.
By the end of the note, Draco was crying.
He threw it aside and pulled Hermione closer to him. Breathing in the smell of her hair.
He couldn't believe how close he had gotten to loosing her.
He was so glad that he had run up there as fast as he did. A minute later and she would have been gone..
He snuggled down next to her and felt her pulse again. It was getting stronger. He smiled. He was glad Severus had taught him the transfusion spell.
He relaxed and soon he had fallen asleep next to her.
Hermione woke up groggily. Her wrists hurt like the dickens and she felt dizzy.
She looked next to her and saw that Draco was fast asleep, his arms were wrapped around him. She gathered that she had failed in her suicide attempt, and sagged down onto the pillows. She felt tears welling up in her eyes. She was never going to escape Ron. He was going to win. And she was going to be broken again. She was going to fall into the dark and twisty hole of despair that Draco had pulled her out of.
"Fuck." She muttered. "Fuck, fuck, fuck... FUCK." She screamed, rubbing her hands over her face. "Dammit Draco." She sobbed. "Why did you have to save me, why."
Draco woke up with a start at the sound of his name.
Hermione saw that he was awake and turned to him. "Why did you do this?" She asked, hysterically "why did you save me?" She started hitting him with her small fists. He pulled back, in shock.
"Hermione-" he began, "calm down."
"Calm down?" She cried, "calm down?"
"Okay.. Okay.. You don't have to calm down..." He was confused.
She pushed him off the bed. He fell to the floor with a soft "oomph."
She jumped down after him, and straddling him she continued to hit him, sobbing.
"Why didn't you just let me die?" She whispered. "I just want to die...Just let me die." She collapsed on top of him. All of the energy had left her suddenly. And she felt beyond tired.
Draco sat up and gathered Hermione in his arms, pulling her back up onto the bed.
"Shh," he whispered softly, stroking her hair, his face close to hers. "Shh, it's going to be okay love, it'll all be okay. You'll see. Everything will be fine. I'm not going to let you die. Everything is going to be fine."
Hermione drifted to sleep in Draco's arms. Exhausted.
A/N: I thought it was good... I spent a straight day writing this. I liked it. I hope you do too. It's longer then usual. I know Hermione's been through a lot. But uh...yeah I dunno. I wanted to bring her and Draco a little closer and give you guys a legit reason to hate Ron.
