Chapter Eight
It had been almost a week since Claire had packed all her belongings away and moved them across campus to her girlfriend, Caroline's apartment, leaving Helen to fend for herself. It had also been a week since she had last been in the company of Nikki Wade. Although it was student services policy for the "counsellor" to visit on a regular basis of at least three times a week, Nikki had not shown her face, or made any effort to get in contact. Helen surmised that like Claire, Nikki too had had enough of her mood swings and could not bear to be around her any longer…extra credits or not.
So here she was. Living alone in an apartment that she could not see, other than from memory, and therefore could not possibly handle the day to day chores that was required of her to keep the two bedroomed flat in a state of cleanliness.
As she walked from room to room, fumbling around various pieces of furniture in search of her discarded jacket, she felt a number of unknown items brush against her bare feet. Items that had been dropped and not picked up, through her sheer lack of enthusiasm. Normally she would have scolded someone for such disrespect of tidiness, but now she couldn't care less if the rubbish grew legs and walked to the bin of their own accord. Her logic was she couldn't see the mess, no one else bothered to visit, so why keep the place neat? Even the smell had begun to seem less pungent now as she got used to its distinct sour aroma.
Finding her coat draped across the window ledge she reached into the pocket and pulled out her mobile telephone to put it back on charge. Not that she expected anyone to call, but in case of emergency she liked to have it with her at all times. Without sight it still wasn't too hard to figure out someone's number and dial. But text messages were a different story. Her friends absent-mindedness had amused her in the first few weeks after she was released from St. Mary's, as they continued to send her messages which she was not able to read. But after a while the beeping alert had started to depress her. It only served to remind her of what she was missing out on…how her life had changed whilst everyone else's had remained the same.
Sitting down on the sofa she stared blankly at where she remembered the Television used to sit in the corner by the window, tucked away.
Many nights she had lay sprawled across the couch, watching movies, eating junk food and guzzling cheap booze from the local off license, but now she couldn't even find the remote control to turn it on. So instead she sat in silence, listening to the footsteps walking along the corridor outside, each set passing by her door, never stopping. Until now.
A chap at the door momentarily startled her, and she remained seated. Whoever it was would soon realise they had made a mistake and move on to the correct apartment without further disturbance. Or so she thought. As the door was rattled again a fear began to build in her. A dread deep in the pit of her stomach that she didn't understand, or know how to get rid of.
She didn't want to see anyone, or have anyone one see her for that matter. It had been days since she had ventured out of the house, and even then it was only to go to the shop to buy a loaf of bread. Toast was all she seemed to eat these days. After many burns from the cookers hob she had given up on eating anything that required full sight or effort.
"Helen! I know you're in there! Now open up the bloody door before I knock it down!"
"Go away" she pleaded silently. But whomever was on the other side of her front door was not giving up.
Defeated she took a deep breath and walked unsteadily towards the door. Her hand rested on the handle for a second before she turned the lock and pulled it open.
"Nikki" Helens voice was monotone and completely void of emotion.
"What took you so long to answer? I was really beginning to worry about you!"
"If you were really that worried about me you would have showed up last week like you were supposed to. Too busy with your new girlfriend I suppose, like most people seem to be these days."
"What? You've totally lost me Helen. I don't have a girlfriend, and how do you even know I'm a lesbian? I could be the campus slut for all you know!" Nikki was grinning wildly from ear to ear, although she didn't make it obvious in her voice. Verbal sparring with Helen could have its fun elements.
"I hate to inform you of the obvious, but you can still be a lesbian and a slut…so that comment really serves no purpose. Now, was there something you wanted, Nikki? Or did you just come here to bug me?" It wasn't only Nikki that was enjoying this light-hearted confrontation. Helen found the darkness behind her eyes was now replaced by a shining light; a bright light that signified hope and took away the black, muggy feelings of despair that strangled the life out of her soul.
"Yes, actually, I do have good reason to be here, a few in fact. I wanted to apologise for my behaviour in the pub the other day, it was uncalled for and completely against my nature."
"You mean it's against your nature to snap back at me when I'm being a bitch?"
"No, it's against my nature to pass judgement about people I don't know and discuss them when they are in hearing distance." Nikki's face turned crimson as she recalled her exact words that day.
"Well, you can forget about it, because I didn't hear whatever you supposedly said." She lied to save Nikki the agony she was clearly in. "So why else are you here?" Helen knew better than to open a can of worms that could set their friendship back even further than it was. She wanted a clean slate, and if that meant letting Nikki away with her harsh comments then so be it. She had to energy left to do battle.
"You didn't? Well, okay then…erm, why I'm here? Ah, yes…I have a present for you. I was in the library this afternoon and I remembered seeing from your file that you were a keen reader, and it gave me an idea." Helen was speechless. A sign Nikki took as indifference but that couldn't have been further from the truth.
"Can I come in and show you what it is?"
"I don't think that would be a good idea. The place is a tip, Nikki." Now it was Helen's turn to blush. She couldn't see for herself what state the place was in, but she knew it resembled a teenage boys bedroom.
"Helen, I'm a lazy-arsed student, who spends all day in classes and all night working. You think my apartment is a palace? I don't have time to breath let alone clean. So let me in. I told you…I'm not a person to pass judgement." Helen moved away from the doorway in reluctance to let Nikki enter. The second she did the acrid smell hit her like a tonne of bricks. Rotting food mixed with an aroma she couldn't place, but was certain it was mould.
"Christ, Helen, what have you been doing to yourself" Nikki thought to herself as she surveyed her surroundings. Plates scattered over tables, damp towels dotted across the carpet, clothes, CD's, cans of soda…all in places they didn't belong.
"So is it you or your room mate that's a messy bugger?" She tried to lighten the sudden oppressive atmosphere that had engulfed them.
"I don't have a room mate, not any more. Claire left this week." Helen stopped, not wanting to divulge any more information than was necessary. Nikki could see the smaller woman's discomfort and didn't press her for more information.
"Let me help you clear this mess up then."
"No, its fine. I've just been a little lax lately. I'll do some cleaning tomorrow." Not convinced, Nikki ignored her and began to pick up plates and empty wrappers as she went along.
"Where's your bin bags?" Nikki didn't wait for an answer. She rummaged around under the sink until she found all that she needed.
Within thirty minutes the flat was starting to look like it should have been, and with the windows open and a little air-freshener the smell was beginning dissipate.
"There you go, almost as good as new," Nikki dropped the last of the dishes from the sink into the cupboard and dried her hands.
"Thank you." it took a lot for Helen to say the words, but they came straight from her heart.
"Don't mention it. Now what's say I give you your pressie and then I go and get us some takeaway and we can put on some music and get to know each other a bit better." Helen pondered the suggestion for some time, even although she instantly knew her answer.
"I'd like that a lot. But only if I can pay."
"I'm glad you said that, cause I'm flat broke." the two women burst into laughter and Nikki didn't think she had ever heard a sweeter sound. Helen Stewart sounding happy was like beautiful music to her ears.
With the empty silver cartons from their takeaway discarded in the bin Nikki walked back to the couch and retook her seat next to a patiently waiting Helen.
She took a sip of her wine and without words observed Helen in intricate detail. She was mesmerized by the beauty she saw before her. Without make-up, perfectly styled hair or immaculate clothing, Helen Stewart still managed to leave her awestruck.
"So, you liked your present then?" Nikki stared into the most beautiful green eyes she had ever seen, despite their emptiness.
"Nikki, it was the most thoughtful gift anyone has every bought me, I don't know how to thank you." Helen felt her eyes well up and her heart swell as she remembered the pack of audio books that Nikki had obviously had wrapped in some fancy shiny paper, complete with bows. She could imagine the glittering shimmer of colours creating spectrum's under the overhead lighting as she tore apprehensively at the wrapping with the help of her friend.
"The Classics on CD…I thought you would enjoy listening to some stories read by an actual professional as opposed to having to endure me babbling on like a monotonous idiot as I tackle "Jane Eyre". Helen giggled and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear; a sudden bout of nerves washing over her. The comment made her think of Nikki's voice; husky and deep with a refined English accent that seemed to roll with ease off her tongue. Her stomach flipped involuntary as images floated fleetingly in her mind. She had no idea what Nikki looked like. All she had was a self-created mental picture of a woman who had no face.
"Nikki, describe yourself to me." Helen edged herself along the sofa and tucked her legs beneath herself, her knees nudging lightly against Nikki's left thigh as the space between them closed.
"Average height, average build, okay looking, I suppose. Not much else to say really." Nikki shrugged, feeling almost self-conscious.
"Nikki, please. Don't be modest, or shy. It's the one thing I miss about not being able to see…" Helen bowed her head as she hesitantly started to open up.
"I always took for granted the sights around me. I never took in the finer details of life which now I wish I could visualise. When I speak to people I know, then it's fine, I can picture them. But with strangers I have a huge void, a blank canvas that I need to paint myself. I can tell you are taller than me, because I can feel your breath wafting over me when you stand beside me and talk, and I know how you sound and smell…but the rest, you have to help me with." Nikki felt touched as she saw tears glisten in Helens eyes. She had never thought about not being able to see before, and for a split second she put herself in Helens place and the thought frightened her. Modesty suddenly didn't matter any more.
"Okay. Well, like you said, I am tall. I am about 5'10. I have short, black hair, which I style. Brown eyes and when I get out in the sun enough I guess you could say I had a sallow complexion. As for my build, I'd say I was athletic, maybe slightly curvy, in all the right places I hope." Helen laughed, a deep giggle from the pit of her stomach and nodded with a smile Nikki could not read.
"And I really think that is it. No distinguishing marks or scars, no tattoos or piercings. Just my ears."
"Nikki, can I touch you?" The whisper from Helens mouth sent shivers down Nikki's spine. She knew there was nothing sexual intended, but how she wished there was. She didn't know if she could cope with just platonic touching, but since the moment she had clapped eyes on Helen she knew she would never be able to refuse her a thing.
"Sure," The one word quivered on her lips. The anticipation of the small, soft hands working their was towards her face was too much. Her heart and her core throbbed in rhythmic time with each other, the blood rushing to both as skin made contact with skin.
Helen's hand seemed to glide over her face with ease, from her forehead, to her cheeks. A thumb gently brushed her nose, down to her lips, reaching from corner to corner, tracing the voluptuous shape with a delicacy that made Nikki tingle.
She watched in sheer fascination as the hands lowered, fingers brushing along her jaw line until they met in the middle at her chin and slid down her neck, onto her collarbones and down the middle of her chest to where her tight, black, V-neck top blocked the passage of movement.
She clamped her eyes shut, praying for the teasing to stop, and at the same time wishing for it to never end. She wanted Helen's hands to carry on; down to her breasts, which begged to be cupped by those dainty fingers.
"You're beautiful" the deep compassion from the simple statement shook Nikki from her lust-filled reverie.
"So are you, and not just on the outside." the tears that had glistened in Helen's eyes now flowed freely down her cream coloured cheeks. Her head shook, refuting Nikki's words. Maybe once she had been, but now she was tainted with an ugliness she couldn't shake.
"Yes you are. Last week I may not have thought the same thing, but tonight has proved to me what a beautiful, special person you really are Helen. That tough exterior, I know it's not really you, and so do you. Talk to me, let me in…drop those barriers you're hiding behind." Nikki squeezed her hands in reassurance and pulled her into a tight embrace that Helen returned with as much strength and need. Her arms wrapped in a python-like grip around Nikki's waist and in that instant she knew she could never let go.
"It's too difficult, Nikki. I don't know if I'm ready to let go…I'm so scared. I've lost everyone that matters to me, don't let me lose you too."
"It's okay, Helen, I'm not going anywhere. You take all the time you need, and when you feel the time is right to talk then I'm going to be there for you, alright?" Nikki felt Helen's head nod against her wet shoulder.
"Thank you, Nikki…for this...for everything."
"Don't thank me, Helen, just promise me one thing. Promise me you will allow me to help you, no matter what pride you may feel."
"Only if you promise me something, too?" Helen wiped her eyes and sat up, breaking the hug, of which both felt the loss.
"And what's that?" Nikki questioned.
"Promise me you will move in to Claire's old room and take care of me until I can learn to take care of myself." Nikki felt her heart swell in admiration and love. Helen was, in her own small way, letting her in behind the wall of fear that she had tucked herself behind. It was a small gesture but a massive step towards getting the old Helen back where she belonged.
"You have yourself a deal, roomie." She beamed. "Now lead the way to my new bedroom."
