Chapter 8: Catherine

I woke up with a heavy head and burning eyes. There was an elephant who was dancing polka in my cranium. I didn't remember drinking so at first I didn't understand why I was feeling like this. Then all my memories got back. I remembered having a fight with Sara. I remembered losing my temper and destroying the kitchen. I remembered crying into Sara's embrace. I remembered her carrying me to bed and falling asleep in her arms.

I looked around and there was no one but me in the room. I've started to panic. I was left alone, abandoned. Sara left me. When I thought about all those things I've told her, there was no wonder she had given up on me. Suddenly I was upset and angry at Sara. She told me she won't leave me and yet she did. It was so not like her, she always kept her word before.

I got out of bed, looking for her. I haven't had to look far though I found her lying on the couch with my sister in a very intimate embrace. Nancy was half on top of Sara, with her head in the crook of Sara's neck. Sara didn't seem unease or strained by the physical closeness – she's always uncomfortable in that kind of touch when they come from me, mindless those last days. No she seemed relaxed and she seemed to fit. She seemed very protective of my sister. They looked like peaceful lovers and I felt like an intruder. I hated that.

That's when I first felt it: jealousy. Raging jealousy consuming me. I was jealous of my sister because she was where I was supposed to be, in Sara's arms. She was having what I was supposed to have, intimacy with Sara.

I went back in my bedroom to stop that train of thoughts. Jealousy? Intimacy with Sara? Where the hell did that come from?

I sat on the bed and started to torture myself. I kept on earring Lindsey's words only this time they were mixed with Sara's. Those words were repeating over and over again in some kind of twisted lullaby. 'I hate you... Fuck you Catherine. Fuck you... I hate you...'

Then a mobile rang, I stood up but I stayed on the threshold of my bedroom. It wasn't any news about my baby since Sara didn't move from the couch after the call. I bet my pay check that it was Grissom. Anyway, Sara and Nancy stayed on the couch not breaking their embrace if anything they got closer. I couldn't get the words they were exchanging but from the look of it they were flirting. I felt like a stalker or some schoolgirl spying on them. I hated this.

I lay on the bed again. I felt cold and very alone in it. My head was spinning so I closed my eyes. Then, I don't know how much time after, I felt a soft and warm hand caressing my cheek delicately, it was Sara I could recognize her touch. Then I felt a soft pair of lips on my forehead. And then there was nothing but cold and loneliness. Sara was leaving me for good. I felt like I was ripped apart, my heart was so tight it was even harder to breathe than it already was.

xxxxx

It's been several minutes since Sara left, so I get out of bed and head to the kitchen for a coffee. The kitchen has been cleaned up, everything is back in order as if nothing ever happened.

"Did you rest a bit?" Nancy's voice asks me. I don't turn around. I'm mad at her and I don't even know why.

"Yeah" My voice is cold.

"Sara just left. Warrick called and said that they still have nothing yet. He's going to come by in an hour or so." She tells me.

"Yeah" I turn around but avoid her gaze. I know my monosyllabic answers don't please her. She waits for me to speak by myself but I don't. Two reasons, I don't know what to say and then my actual feelings are disturbing me. After a moment she sighs heavily.

"Cath, it's me, Nancy, your sister. If something's bothering you just say so." She is exasperated and a bit upset now.

"I don't know, let me think about it. My daughter hates me and she has run away from home and from me. I think that could bother me at some level." My tone is sharp. But it doesn't impress her a bit.

"Bull" I'm about to answer that with all the anger building up inside but she continues "That is what's killing you. I want to know what's bothering you." She points out. I've always admire her ability to read me as an open book but right now it irritates me. A battle is raging between our eyes but I give up easily, I don't want her to see all my emotion bare today.

"I didn't sleep well. It was cold on my bed." I pause and set angry eyes on her. "You on the other hand slept in nice company if I remember." There is bitterness in my words.

"That's it then, you saw us." She has that look that can see through me. "I won't lie to you I haven't slept that well since quite a long time. I slept on the couch with Sara. So what?" I want to cry, I want to scream and just the thought of the two of them in that intimate embrace earlier just unleash hell in me.

"Not with her, I'd rather say on her." I mumble. I feel like a jealous brat kid again.

"Excuse me?"

"You didn't sleep with Sara, you slept on Sara. That was cosy wasn't it? No wonder you slept well in that more that intimate position. You know if I haven't known better I would have sworn you two were lovers." I told her vehemently. Catherine Willows is unavailable at the moment, Jealousy is speaking, can I take your message? What is wrong with me? Why is that bothering me so much? Nancy is calm as ever.

"There is not so much room for two adults lying on the couch, so we took the most comfortable position." She pauses and stares at me intently "You know, if I didn't know you better I'd say you're actually jealous."

I don't answer that last comment. She doesn't say anything more. She leaves me with my thoughts and watches me silently. I don't want to think about it. About why I feel this way. Now is not the time. I need to cool off all those raging feelings inside of me. So I go have a cold shower.

xxxxx

Cold water calms me down. For a while I don't feel guiltiness, sadness and disgust burning through my veins. The funny thing is that those feelings are the only things to remind me that I'm alive. I don't feel anything else.

I exit the shower as tensed as I got in. But at least I've got some equilibrium back.

I'm about to get out of the bathroom, but the woman in the mirror catches my attention. There are black bags under her eyes. She is pale, her cheeks are gaunt it makes her look old. Her eyes are dull, the blue on it is almost grey. She looks lifeless. It's like there wasn't any soul in this body. Come to think of it she looks vaguely familiar to me.

I freeze when I realise that it's me. It's like seeing a ghost. I feel my head spinning a little. I always thought that I would never have to face this side of me again. I used to be this woman, back when I was a stripper. Back when I was a drug addict.

I start to shake with need as dark memories start to surface. I remember the first time I saw that woman. Everyday I would see that soulless body walking around like a puppet with loose strings.

Life was as far from butterflies and rainbows as life could be. But she was in Wonderland twenty four seven, from dusk until dawn and from dawn until dusk. She was feelingless. Nothing could reach her. She wouldn't feel the lusty gazes on her, nor would she feel the dirty hands caressing her body. She would be so high that she would only be surrounded with bliss, pure bliss.

And there was this man who would tell her sweet, sweet words. Tell her how beautiful she was, how the lines of her face were as refines and perfect as those of a porcelain doll. And so many more. And her heart would only belong to this man, her prince charming.

Yet, there was a little time everyday when she would leave Wonderland to go to what we call Reality. There, there wouldn't be any colours, everything would be grey. She would see her true reflection. The one with a skinny face and hollow eyes. The one that would look dead from inside. There, all her thoughts would be depressing. So she would have a snort of coke, taking a ticket to Wonderland again.

Cocaine was a good friend. Cocaine would bring a lot of flashy and bright colours in her world. Cocaine was the greatest painter, Cocaine would create colours over and over again. Who cared if those were fake? Cocaine would make her escape from Reality. Cocaine would make her happy with what she was seeing. Cocaine would erase the words 'pathetic', 'pain' and 'sadness' from her vocabulary. So yes, Cocaine was good.

Everyday she would float high, very high. High enough not to feel the angry hands of her prince charming, but it would be way too high to fight back properly. But everything would always be bright and colourful and that was all she needed.

One day it changed though. She learnt that she was pregnant. That day she looked at the lifeless woman in the mirror and decided to bring her to life. She decided to colour Reality, that meant that she wouldn't go to Wonderland anymore. But it didn't matter because that day she promised to the reflection that she would become someone.

That day I promised to myself that I would become someone. And I did.

Saying it has been hard would be the understatement of the century. It was excruciating. I remember shaking so hard that it was painful. I remember the agony when my body was in need for a snort. I remember feeling my guts burning me from inside like lava in fusion. I remember the fevers and the deliriums. I was in Hell and the only thing that made me hold on, that gave me strength not to give into the temptation was my baby. Whenever I hit the bottom, I would think of this life growing inside me and that would be enough to give me courage and determination.

It has always worked. It works even better since she was born. I still do this whenever I have a bad day, a nasty case or just depressing thoughts. Whenever I can't take the cruel reality I think about Lindsey, my baby and I feel stronger than ever. Everyday, when I'm hurt, when I doubt, when I'm insecure, when I lose faith in what I do, when I want to go back to Wonderland so badly, I just hug Lindsey tightly to feel her heartbeat and let myself be washed away by all her love, I just tell her that I love her and then I feel alive again. All the pain, the sadness, the fears are washed away when I'm in her arms.

And now I don't have this anymore. Now I'm shaking, my body is aching with need. The temptation is killing me by inches. The walls are getting closer, the room is getting smaller. I'm suffocating. The reflection in front of me is blurry now. I don't want to be this woman anymore. Never.

I rush out of the bathroom and run into Lindsey's room. Her scent has lingered in the air, I breathe deeply. I take one of her clothe and inhale her scent until I get intoxicated, until I can't smell anything else.

I take her Teddy bear – Mr Brown – in my arms and hug it to my chest. This is the first gift I made her. It has always soothed her. She has gotten rid of everything she used to play with when she was younger – all her plushes and toys are on the attic now. But Mr Brown is too special for this. In spite of the years it's still in good shape, it almost looks like it was new. She cherishes that plush.

Every beat of my heart is taking is a new ache. I want to cry but I don't have any tears left. I want to scream. I want Lindsey to come back.

I'm praying to any deity for my baby to be alive and safe. I'm praying to have a second chance. If someone brings my baby back to me, I won't ever fail her again. I will love her more than anyone can love until my last breath. I'd give my life if it could bring her home safe and sound. She is what colours my reality, if she's taken away from me I'll die. I can't breathe, I can't feel without her. Without her life is pointless. Without her I'm nobody. I'm dead.

I lean against her bed and bring my knees to my chest. I'm still holding Mr Brown and start to rock myself. I wish I could stop my body from shaking. I wish the need for cocaine wasn't trying to swallow me whole. I keep hearing her last words again like a broken record.

I need someone to hold me. I need Sara to hold me. I try to focus on the sensation I feel when I'm in her arms. I try to focus on the memory of her heartbeat to soothe me. If I can focus on the effects she does to me, maybe I won't go insane, maybe I won't shatter into little pieces.

xxxxx

The doorbell brings me back to the present. Can it be possible? Someone has heard me and was bringing my baby home! I rush to the front door only to find Warrick... Alone. My hopes just crush again.

"Cath..." He starts. He takes a look at me with his profound hazel eyes. He decides against asking me how I feel and I'm thankful. I mean, how am I supposed to answer that anyway? He just hugs me silently. I can't help but compare his embrace to Sara's. It's definitely not the same. Warrick's embrace has something more familiar. It's a brotherhood hug, warm and it conveys support and affection. Sara's hugs has something more, something deeper.

"Thanks for everything you're doing." I whisper in his arms. "How's work?" I ask. Don't get me wrong I'm not so insensitive that I can forget about my daughter for even a second. But I've just got some sanity back so I'd rather keep it.

"We're all in nigh shift for the time being." I look at him quizzically. " Ecklie's prerogative. He might be a dumbass, but it seems like he still is human. He sends his best and hope everything will get back in order."

"Guess I'll have to thank him when this is over" 'If it gets over one day' I add silently.

There is nothing more to be said. We just hold each other for a moment more. Then he pulls out of the embrace to look at me in the eyes.

"Everyone is behind you. We love you." He pauses, takes one of my hand and entwines our fingers. His other hand reaches up to cup my cheek. His gaze has never been so deep. "I love you". He leans down and kisses me on the lips. It's a deep kiss in that way that it says what all the words can't express. He backs up and smiles softly.

"I love you too Rick" I squeeze his hand and lean in his touch.

It's true, I love him just like he loves me. It's the kind of strong love that you can always lean on no matter what. But it's not the kind of love that gives rise to passions. We're more than just friend because I know he would go through Hell for me if I just asked him to. So would I for him. But this love isn't the one two lovers share. It's an unconditional love which is far too deep for us to be just friend, yes, but it's way too calm and comfortable for us to be lovers. It's hard to explain the connection between us but we both feel the same and in the end that's the only thing that matter.

He hugs me and leaves, letting me know that they're still looking for Lindsey and that they won't stop until they find her.

xxxxx

I've been pacing in the living room like a tiger in his cage. I think my footsteps are carved into the floor by now.

Then I hear a car in the driveway. It's Sara. She's so pale, she looks drained and upset. My heart starts to race and I don't know why. My sister's on the porch like she's been waiting for Sara's return all day. They have quiet exchange with their eyes first and then they speak. The interaction between them looks like the one between two lovers. Again. I can't hear them because my heartbeat is too noisy. My breath is painstaking. What's going on with me?

And then everything stops. I can't breathe, I don't hear my heartbeat anymore. They're hugging each other tightly. It seems so natural, so easy, so right. There are no walls between those two. Sara has let her guard down in my sister's arms. Sara has let my sister in. My entire world is crashing before my eyes. The only thing I was clinging to has gotten out of my grip. I'm alone.

It takes me some time to realise Sara's looking at me. I can't stand her gaze so I just escape her field of vision.

I resume my position in Lindsey's room. And start to rock myself again.

"Catherine?" Her voice is soft. I can't face her though.

"Leave me alone" I beg her with a strangled whisper.

"I beg you, don't push me away again."

I lift my head up and see hurt in her eyes. Hurt and fear.

"You left me" I tell her "You said you wouldn't leave me but you did."

"I know. But I came back. Don't push me away." She begs me again. She kneels down so we're at the same eyes level.

"Why?" She looks confused "Why did you go?"

"I needed to. I really did." Her eyes try to explain me what her words don't tell me.

"I understand" I don't know if I really do. But right now I don't want her near me. Paradoxically my guts are screaming for her to stay. "I need you to understand me as well now. I need to be alone. I really do." I echo her words. She looks like I've stabbed her. I can't be close to her right now, because I'm afraid to hurt her again. I need to fight the huge gamut of emotions that has settled down on me alone. I can't afford to lose her nor to hurt her anymore.

"Alright. If that's what you need" Her voice is soft and understanding, still it's heartbreaking.

Then to my surprise, she cups my face with both of her hands and forces me to look in her eyes. She's telling me so many things with her brown eyes, but I don't think I can tell what. It always amazed me how her eyes speak volume when she's silent. She leans in to kiss my forehead. Her lips linger there a little while. My heart is racing again. I close my eyes to stop the room from spinning. And then she's gone.

"I'll be there if you need me. All you have to do is ask." She caresses my cheek a last time and then she exits the room. I'm wondering what just happened. And then loneliness and coldness strike back. So I try to focus on the sensation of fever her lips have left on my forehead so I can fight my demons from the past and the present.


Thanks for reading ;)

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