April 8th 2008
Diary Entry #1
10:13pm
I'm not sure where I should begin. I haven't written in a diary since before I met Jack and the Mercers. I think Abigail bought me on when I started High School. She said it would be therapeutic for me to write it in at least once a week. She said it was a way for me to express the feelings and frustrations that I had without coming to her if I didn't want to. I thought it was a pretty good idea that day because I had the worst day of my life and I didn't want to talk to her about it. She thought I was having a great start to the school year but I didn't have the guts to tell her that the boys at the school were crude and the girls were whores that tried to offer me a senior in the girls bathroom stall. I filled two pages from that day alone.
I kept writing in it after that too. Sometimes it was twice a day and other times it was only a sentence per week but it helped me. I got the chance to express the things that I didn't want to tell Abigail. I was probably the only girl in my school that did not have any pent up anger, sadness or any other emotions.
My diary was my second mother, my first and foremost best friend and another part of myself. It held my emotions, my secrets and my fantasies. It held the things that I didn't want to say aloud. And that is why I went through my old boxes of stuff from Abigail's house. I found my unused diary that Abigail got me a few nights before she died. I wanted to use it after she passed but never got around to it after I met Jack. After I met him, he was the one I confided in. He was the one that knew all my feelings, secrets and fantasies.
Jack was my diary.
But, sadly, he is not here right now and will not be for at least the next 3 weeks.
I feel that I need someone or something to confide in so I am starting this diary. I want a way to get my emotions out without running to Bobby, Paisley or anyone else. I want these things to be said to Jack but, again, he's not here. Therefore, until Jack comes back to me, I will write them here. I will keep tabs on the pregnancy and have them for my own memories and for Jack to read when he comes back.
I think that's it for now. I'm pretty tired and I want to fall asleep before Bobby does. He might be in the living room but his snores carry far, far away.
Goodnight,
Emilie – xoxoxoxo
10:23pm
April 9th 2008
Diary Entry #2
11:02 pm
Good evening, my temporary diary.
Unfortunately, I did not fall asleep before Bobby last night. I could not sleep at all actually. I'm not sure why but I think it might have been because I was crying my eyes out and trying my hardest not to wake Bobby up. That didn't work though. He heard me and came to my wet rescue. He held me for half an hour before my tears decided to leave me alone. When they did, Bobby stayed. He threw a blanket and pillow on the ground and fell asleep next to the bed. I wanted to yell at him for being an idiot and tell him to go sleep on the couch because it was more comfortable but I didn't.
I needed him there last night. He wasn't Jack but he was comfort. He was someone there with me, and that made me feel a little less lonely because I was really lonely. Jack was going to be gone for 3 weeks, maybe more. The first full 24 hours hadn't even passed and I am already a wreck. Nevertheless, I cannot show that. If I showed the tiniest bit of loneliness, Bobby would have my stuff packed up and moved over to his house in a matter of minutes. I didn't want that. I want him and Jack to know that I can be without him and be happy too. I wanted to show them that I would be okay if he did decide to leave for good...
Good news, before I start crying again. I got a call from James at about 8 pm. They were about to go on stage to perform. They were only about 25 minutes away but it felt like he was calling from across the country. He told me that Jack was doing fine but was keeping to himself more than usual. I didn't think that was bad considering the fact that the old Jack would be walking around hitting things or getting trashed. Keeping to himself but seeming fine on the outside was a good sign...
I think. I would like to think that it's a good thing. I do not want him unhappy. However, at the same time, I want him to feel alone without me. I want him to feel what I feel.
I know that won't happen though. He left me. I am supposed to cry and sob while he goes off and plays music with his band. It's happened before.
Bye,
Em
11:20 pm
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Diary Entry #2.1
11:45 pm
So now, I know that loneliness isn't the only thing that is eating me alive. Anger has made its way under my skin. I know it is supposed to be normal for me to be angry with him but anger is not the usual emotion I feel for Jack. I haven't been truly angry with him in so long. It scares me to feel this way towards him. The last time I got this angry with him I yelled at him, he left for LA and I didn't see him for months.
Now he is gone again. This time he left without me wanting him to go and it's so much worse this time. I keep trying to tell myself that he's just on the road and that eh will come back but I cannot seem to ignore the facts.
He left me. He left without saying goodbye.
My whole head is a jumble. My emotions are a mess. I am mad at him. I am sympathetic towards him. I am scared for him and for me. I am lonely. I am calm. I am a determined to fix us even though I feel that we cannot be fixed.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel. All I know is that I am severely confused and I want Jack back. I want him to come home and help me build our family. I want to forget these past few days ever happened. Now I want to call Bobby and tell him to come back over. I'm regretting forcing him to go home earlier. I feel even lonelier now.
I wish this were a magical Genie book instead of a diary.
Bye again,
Em – xoxo
11:59 pm
April 10th 2008
Diary Entry #3
12:05 pm
Afternoon!
Wow, my first daytime entry. I am liking the feeling of writing during the day. I don't feel as alone when the suns out. Plus, this is the first page that is not stained with tiny tear drops. I'm blaming my funky emotions on the baby and hoping they go away soon. The next time I burst into tears over a good cup of coffee, I will try to commit myself to a Looney bin.
Another reason to check myself into to hang with the other Toons, my phone. It hasn't stopped ringing all day and that is saying a lot because it's only noon and I only woke up an hour ago.
Apparently, people have just realized how quick of an exit Jack and the band made. They wanted to know if everything was okay between Jack and me. They wanted to make sure that we were still together and going strong. They wanted to know the truth.
So I told them.
I told them that Jack missed the road deeply and he wanted to go travel for a bit. I reminded them that Jack wrote easier when he was traveling and that he wanted some new music. I told them that the trips were his type of therapy.
And that was not a complete lie. I just left out the part where I told him I was pregnant. The part where he flipped out and the part where he took of without telling me. But the less they knew the better.
For now.
I am off to work now though. I played hooky yesterday and kind of regret it. Usually, when I played hooky, Jack and I went off somewhere but not yesterday. I sat at home all day. Alone. Crying until Bobby called. Then I put on a fake cheerful voice and told him I was doing okay.
Today is different though. My emotions seem to be in check and I feel better than yesterday.
Chaio,
Em – xoxoxoxox
12:17 pm
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Diary Entry #3.1
10:36 pm
I won't write too long. I have never been this tired in my life. I worked until 8 pm but I've done longer shifts and had more energy than I do right now. I didn't do much either. Kaylie was a no show and no new kids showed up today so I was on desk duty filling out papers and making check up calls to some teens that hadn't come by in the past week or so.
Anyways, to cut this short, I got home and James called half an hour later while I was watching re-runs of The Nanny on Nick at Nite. He gave me my daily update on Jack and I wanted to cry after we hung up. Apparently, Jack was a lot better than he had been. I know I said that I wanted him to be okay but part of me still wants him to be a miserable fool.
It looks like I won't get my wish though.
Night,
Em – no hugs and kisses tonight.
10:42 pm
April 11th 2008
Emilie woke up to what she thought was a banging in her head. She thought for a moment that she got trashed last night and did not remember it but then she remembered she was pregnant and would not do such a thing. Therefore, she forced her heavy eyelids open and peered into the bright mess that was her bedroom in the morning sun.
The banging was now joined by a very annoyed voice and it was coming from her front door. She drug herself out of bed and stumbled out of her room, through the hall and to her foyer.
"What?" she snapped as she threw her door open. Bobby Mercer stood there frowning at her. "Can I help you?" she asked but turned away from him before he could answer her.
Bobby followed into the apartment and shut the door behind him. He had been knocking on her door for almost ten minutes. Another five and he was breaking it down to see what the hell was going on.
"I've been out there for a while, Em." he watched her flop down on the couch and curl into a fetal position. He didn't want to be rude but she looked like crap. Her hair was a mess but he knew her locks were wild in the mornings. It was the dark circles under her usually pretty eyes that made her look so bad.
"So I wasn't really dreaming about a marching band sitting outside my door." her voice was groggy and partially muffled by the throw pillow under her chin. "Pity, the band's beat was jollier than your knocking."
Bobby cocked his head to the side and stared at her. Emilie was quite snappy this morning. A smile took over his scruffy face and he sat down on the opposite end of the couch.
"Well, it seems like your bitchy hormones have surface, Diddle. Never thought I would see the day when you were naturally rude. It usually takes a lot to get you to this point. Now all I gotta do is interrupt a naughty marching band dream." Emilie lifted her head up and glared at him. "Were you getting to the part where you admit what you did that summer at band camp?" Bobby laughed at his own joke but Emilie kept glaring at him. After a minute of laughing, Bobby realized she was really annoyed and stopped.
He cleared his throat and patted her foot. "So, we need to have a heart to heart." Emilie smirked at him and propped herself up by her elbow.
"A heart to heart? I thought they called that hard, black mass in your chest a piece of coal." This time she laughed and Bobby glared. He sat back against the couch and crossed his arms.
"That black mass is actually a hockey puck but enough about my hard masses." he smirked at her. Emilie rolled her eyes and sat up so they could talk. She got a little worried when Bobby took a deep breath but that feeling vanished. Nothing could be worse than having your boyfriend leave you after you tell him that you are pregnant. Well, at least she hoped nothing could get worse than that. "You gotta tell people about the baby."
Emilie's eyes shot wide open. "Wow, just jump into the deep end, why don't ya?" she drawled and wiped a hand over her face. Bobby scooted closer to her and pulled her into a hug.
"I know you just found out for yourself. I know Jack didn't take it well and I know you went out of your comfort zone when you told me. I do understand this is a lot all at once but you cannot forget your family and friends. You can't forget Jack's family and friends," he told her softly. "Jack might not have taken it well but that does not mean everyone else will react the same way." Emilie shook her head and looked at him.
"I didn't think that. I don't think that." she assured him. "I just," she sighed and squeezed her eyes shut. "I don't know." Bobby grabbed her arms and turned her so that she was facing him.
"You need to celebrate this, Emilie." his voice was hard but not angry. "I know you are hurting somewhere inside and it's time you kick that out. You're pregnant and, contrary to what you might think, there are a lot of people who are going to be over the moon about this." Emilie gave him a droll stare.
"And what do I say when they ask why Jack took off right after I told him about the baby?" she asked raising a brow. "They already think something funny is going on with his hasty departure."
Bobby thought about for a moment. He honestly didn't think about that part. "Leave that part up to me, Diddle. I'll figure it out." he assured her. Emilie wasn't so assured though. "But you still have to tell them."
Emilie sighed and lay back on the couch, setting her feet in Bobby's lap. "But I haven't even gone to the doctor yet." she reminded him. "Can't I wait until after my appointment to tell them? At least then, I will have more info. I'll know my due date and..." she trailed off and Bobby saw a hint of a smile on her face.
"You'll have a due date and most likely a picture." he finished for her. He knew that she wanted to be excited about this but didn't want pull herself out of the jumble of emotions that she was tangled up in. "Listen, Em. I know you are feeling a lot right now. You're mad, upset, guilty and everything else under the moon but if you take the time to enjoy this pregnancy, to let it make you happy," he rubbed her ankle and smiled at her. "That's one emotion you would feel."
Emilie tried to hide the smile on her lips and shook her had. "Nuh uh. I would feel scared too. Nervous." Bobby chuckled and reached for her hand. He pulled her up and back into a hug.
"Those are natural feelings, Em," he told her.
"So are the ones I have about Jack." she whispered into his shirt. Bobby sighed and rubbed her back.
"Yeah but you shouldn't be worrying about Jack right now." he told her. "You should be worrying about taking care of yourself and that baby inside you. You know as well as I do that stressing yourself out like you're doing isn't good for the baby."
Emilie stared at him for a moment. Bobby was right. She should not be worrying about Jack right now; she should worry about the baby and taking care of herself. She knew this from the beginning but being there for Jack and taking care of Jack was always first on her list. It was the same for Jack. His first priority was to take care of Emilie and make sure she was okay. Even when he was hurting, he would make sure she was okay before he thought of himself.
Then a thought occurred to her.
"Do you think that's why he left?" Emilie asked. Bobby looked over at her and frowned at her seemingly random question.
"What do you mean?" he furrowed his brows. "I don't know why he left, Em, but it's not for the sake of the baby. He's the reason you are stressed." Emilie shook her head and waved her hand at him.
"No, I mean Jack's always put me first, just like I put him first." she said. "What if he's still putting me first, Bobby? Do you think he left because he thought I'd put him first instead of the baby?" Bobby kept frowning and shook his head.
"Em, he left because he's scared. We've talked about this," he said honestly. She nodded her head in agreement.
"I know we have and that's why I'm really making sense here. I've thought about it more." she smiled a little and grabbed his hand. "He knows that I know that he's not okay about this. That right there would keep him at the number one spot on my list, Bobby. What if he left so I could focus on the baby instead of trying to deal with him and try to figure out what he's so freaked about?"
Bobby stared at her with a disbelieving smile. "I cannot believe you. He is putting you through hell and you still try to justify his reasons for leaving. Why? Why would you try to do that?" Emilie smiled back at him.
"Because I love him, Bobby, and I know him. Inside and out, I know him." Her words were strong and confident. "Something isn't right with him. He is scared but he doesn't want me to know about it. I have always known that he wasn't big on families but I never knew why. I knew he wasn't going to take this well and I should have worked on him about it when it first came up."
"Don't blame yourself, Em." Bobby warned. "You couldn't have known that this would sneak up on you. It's not like you tried to get knocked up."
"I know but I let it slide when I shouldn't have." she looked at him and bit her lip. "I know you think I'm going off on a limb here but I know what I feel. I know Jack. I have to fix this. I have to fix him and whatever made him not like the idea of a family."
Bobby thought about what she said. He let her words sink in and he replayed the years that his little brother and Emilie were together. He remembered how protective and open they were with one another. He remember them finishing each other's sentences and sharing a bond that was ridiculously strong. If anyone knew how Emilie thought, worked and ticked, it was Jack. The only person beside Bobby himself that knew Jack the best was Emilie. She knew things that Bobby and the Mercer family didn't know about the baby of the family.
For a split second, Bobby believed that she might right be onto something.
"You honestly think that he left so you could focus on you?" he asked her. She nodded. "I think he left because he was scared." Emilie smirked and nodded again.
"They go hand in hand for Jack," she said. Bobby decided that he was not going to shake her from whatever idea she had of the situation.
"So what are you going to do? How are you going to fix it?"
After Emilie made Bobby leave for the night, she sat on her couch and stared at the phone. Bobby ended up convincing her to tell everyone about the pregnancy and even though she was nervous to do so, she knew he was right. Both her and Jack had friends and family that would be excited about this. The only people who would know the truth of the whole situation would be Bobby and James. Emilie knew that James would put the pieces together after he found out about the baby. He wasn't stupid and would know the real reason behind Jack's decision to go on the road.
She grabbed the phone and dialed James' cell phone number. She had been dreading calling him because she knew the message she was going to make him give to Jack wouldn't be good news. She had to warn Jack that she was telling everyone about the baby. He had to be prepared for the calls he would get congratulating him on his soon to be fatherhood. She also had to make sure James made sure that Jack put on a cheerful smile when he thanked everyone for his or her well wishes.
"Hey, Em. I was just about to call you." James sounded out of breath as he picked up the call. Emilie chuckled and sat back on the couch.
"Good timing on my part then. Have a good show?" she asked and twirled the phone cord around her finger.
"Yeah, we rocked out like we always do." he laughed. Emilie heard a door shut and knew that he was going somewhere private. She guessed that Jack still didn't know about their phone calls. "So to what do I owe the pleasure of you calling me instead of me calling you?"
Emilie rolled her eyes and sighed deeply. "Oh no." he mumbled. "What's up?" he asked.
"I need you to give Jack a message for me," she told him calmly. "I need you to tell him that I'm throwing a tiny party tomorrow at Bobby's house and I'm planning on telling everyone." She could picture James' confused face through the phone.
"Tell them what?" he asked hesitantly, as if he knew that she wouldn't tell him but he wanted to give it a shot anyways.
"I can't tell you but he'll know what you mean when you tell him it was from me." Emilie closed her eyes when she heard James let out a growl.
"Just tell me what it is. Tell me what's going on with you two, please." he pleased but Emilie stood her ground.
"I told you this the other day. If Jack hasn't told you yet, I won't cross that line," she said. "If he wants to tell you, he'll tell you. But I won't break his confidence by going behind his back and telling you things that he should be telling you."
"Alright, I get it." James receded. "But if he doesn't tell me after you tell everyone, I'm calling Pais or Angel to find out what's going on."
"If he still hasn't told you what it is by the time his phone blows up, you can call me and then I'll tell you. How about that?" she offered. She knew Jack's phone would blow up tomorrow night. If he still didn't tell his friends, then Emilie would. It would not be crossing the line by telling them something everyone else knows.
"I'll hold you to that, Em." James stressed. "If he doesn't tell me tomorrow night, I'm calling you up no matter what time it is."
April 11th 2008
Diary Entry #4
10:02 pm
Let's see if I can say this right.
I feel it in my heart that I can help fix Jack. That I can fix whatever made him feel the way he does about being a father and having a family. I know deep inside that someone hurt him and made him feel this way. I know that it has to do with his past. I just know this.
However, even with all that knowledge, Bobby's words echoed true in my head.
"So what are you going to do? How are you going to fix it?"
My original plan was to look into his past but Bobby was right again when he said that Jack would not want me getting involved in his past. Jack had a dark past and he did not want that to touch me in anyway. But I am getting desperate here. I need Jack back and if that means going behind his back, then that is what I will do.
I just hope that it all works out in the end because I know this will only cause him, and me, more hurt.
Night,
Em.
10:08 pm
Lying
in my bed,
Tears falling down my face,
Praying to God,
That
our love don't fade away,
'Cause it's okay, 'Cause we can work it
out,
'Cause with you I can't live without.
These words I need
to say,
'Cause to you I dedicate.
Oh,
you're the one that I adore,
And no matter what we go
through,
I'll love you forever and more.
So, you say that you
never miss a good friend 'till they're gone.
Well if you love me
like you say you do,
You'll show me the way back to your heart,
and that's right.
-Dedicate by Amanda Perez
