More Than A Feeling PT 2
Chapter Eight
ELIZA'S POV
How the hell have I found myself here again? How have I messed us up for what I fear is the final time? Arizona wasn't interested in any of my apology earlier but I can hardly blame her. She is in a world of pain and I'm the cause of most of it. I mean, who the hell accuses their wife of cheating? Their wife who has been nothing but supportive and completely amazing. It's not like we have a rocky relationship. It's not like she's ever done anything to break the trust between us. It's just me. A complete fuck up. The one and only, really. I know it's my hormones and I know that it will pass but it isn't good enough. None of this is acceptable and I know that. Still, I don't know how to begin fixing it. I don't know what I could possibly say to my wife to tell her how sorry I am for accusing her…again. I saw red. When I walked in that office, I completely saw red.
I meant what I said to her earlier, though. I've never been this scared about anything in my life. I feel tired. I feel useless. I feel everything I've never felt before and the longer it goes on, the worse I feel. I'm generally an active person. Both physically and sexually. I know it's the intimacy I'm missing, but my behavior wasn't acceptable regardless of what I am or I'm not missing. My wife has been taking care of herself because I'm totally out of it right now and she didn't want to put any pressure on me. She didn't want to demand anything from me and that only shows me how beautiful she is, inside and out. It only shows me how much she cares. She should never have to get herself off but she did. She has been. I wish she wasn't doing that but it's her way of dealing with the dip in our intimacy.
I'm feeling better in that department now that I'm not spending most of my time in the bathroom, but only just. My sex drive is only just coming back and I messed it up before I even had the chance to make love to my wife. Deep down, I know she would wait a lifetime if she had to. Deep down, I know she thinks about nobody other than me. Seems that wasn't enough for me, though. So, instead…I ran my mouth and it ruined everything we've built between us. I know it has. I could see it as I lay down beside her a few hours ago. I could feel that connection slipping away and I don't know if it will ever return. She hates me. I know she does. Honestly, I'm not sure why she is even still in our bed with me. I'm not sure why she hasn't asked me to leave.
I've thought about just packing a bag and leaving but that isn't going to solve anything. If I'm ever going to get back to a good place with her, I need to be here and fully present. If I have to beg for her attention every minute of the day, I will. I will and I'll try harder than ever before. If I have to put all of my time and attention into my wife, I will. Just like I once did. Before we decided to start a family. Before we decided that we wanted more. Our baby is our world, but he or she is safe inside of me. Arizona is here. In the flesh. She is here and being everything I need her to be…so it's time to concentrate on her completely. Whether she wants that or not is a different matter.
Holding my breath when Arizona shifts in the bed and pulls herself up into a seated position, I watch her moving a little uncertain and attempt to sit up to help her. "Stay there." She clears her throat. "I'm okay."
"Please let me help you…"
"No, you have yourself to concentrate on." She shakes her head. "I can look after myself, Eliza."
"But I'm your wife." I sigh. "I'm supposed to look after you."
"Yeah, well…" She breathes out. "You're supposed to do other things too and you didn't, so?"
"Okay, I deserve that." I climb from our bed. "What do you need?"
"My cell." She states. "But I can get it myself."
"What do you need your cell for?" I furrow my brow.
"To call Tim." Arizona stands. "To come and get me."
"You're leaving?" My voice breaks. "Please don't…"
"I need some space." She drops her head on her shoulders. "I just…I need to take a few hours away."
"Can we ever work through this?" I ask, rounding the bed and stopping in front of her. "You won't even look at me."
"I just don't feel so good right now." She sighs. "You stay here and relax and I'll just head to work."
"No, Arizona." I shake my head. "Just…no."
"Eliza." She gives me a knowing look. One that tells me not to push this. "Let me go…" Shaking my head, I grip her hand and stand painfully close to her. Her scent causing my heart to pound hard in my chest, my lips ghost over her own but she gives me nothing. She doesn't reciprocate and yeah…that just broke my heart. "Please…"
The sound of the doorbell pulling us apart, I furrow my brow and step away from my wife. I'm thankful to whoever is calling right now because if they hadn't, I'm pretty sure I'd be packing my bags right now and leaving. Arizona has never not kissed me back. She's never done that and I don't even know what to make of it. Rushing out of our bedroom and taking the stairs, I reach the front door and pull it open.
"Eliza, honey." Mrs. Robbins pulls me into a hug. "How are you?"
"G-Good, thank you." I clear my throat and hold back the tears I can feel forming in my eyes.
"You look different." She narrows her eyes. "Something is different…."
"Hi, mom." Arizona slowly makes her way down the staircase and thankfully interrupts our conversation. "Why are you here?"
"Tim said you'd injured yourself." She gives her daughter a sad smile. "I thought I'd stop by and see how you are."
"I'm okay." She smiles. "Just tired and about to head out."
"Oh, going somewhere nice?" Barbara raises her eyebrow. "You ladies spending some time together?"
"No." My wife clears her throat. "I'm headed to the bar."
"Well, that's a stupid idea." Barbara gives her daughter an incredulous look. "You should stay home, Arizona."
"Not now, mom." Arizona grits her teeth. "I have things to do." Limping into the kitchen, I give my mother in law an apologetic smile and follow my wife into the kitchen.
"Arizona?" My voice low, she turns to face me. "Don't you think it's time we told her?"
"Told her what?" She furrows her brow.
"About the fact that we're having a baby." I give my wife an incredulous look. "I know you hate me, but we are having a baby, Arizona."
"Don't dare try to make me out to be the bad guy here." She gives me a look of complete disgust. "I'd love to tell my mom that we're pregnant but look at us. Look at the mess we are in."
"I don't know what you want me to do." My shoulders drop. "I want to talk this out with you and I want us to be okay, but you're giving me nothing."
"And that isn't my fault." She gives me a sad smile. "I haven't done anything wrong here…"
"I know you haven't, but can you please just try?" I ask, my voice breaking. "For our family…"
"Don't bribe me with my own kid, Eliza." She laughs. "If you wanna play happy families, fine." Stepping around me, I watch a little nervously as my wife approaches her mom. "So, uh…something happened for us a while ago, mom."
"Is everything okay?" She furrows her brow. "Do you need my help?"
"No, everything is okay, mom." I clear my throat and step up behind my wife. Placing my hand on the small of her back, I feel Arizona tense up a little but I don't back down. I don't back away. "We're having a baby…" She breathes out.
"You what?" Barbara furrows her brow, her eyes landing on my midsection. "Is this another one of your jokes, Zona?"
"No, mom." She gives her a sad smile and my heart pounds in my chest as Arizona wraps her arm around my waist. God, that feels good. "You're going to be a grandma in what?" Glancing my way, her smile seems a little more genuine. "Six months?"
"That's right." I give my wife a thankful smile.
"Oh, girls." Barbara cries. "I'm so happy for you."
"Thank you, Barbara." I smile as she pulls us both into a hug. "Arizona has been amazing…"
"Good to know I raised her right." She throws me a wink and I feel Arizona's grip on my waist loosen. My eyes closing momentarily, I turn to face her and she backs up, disappearing from my side.
"Yeah, momma." My wife sighs as she gives me a side glance. "You did raise me right."
"So, I wanna know all about it." Barbara pulls me towards the couch. "I want to know how you're feeling and if you need anything at all." I just need your daughter.
"I'm sure Eliza can fill you in on anything you need to know." Arizona breathes out as she takes herself completely out of the situation. "I have somewhere to be."
"That's okay, honey." Her mom shrugs, oblivious to her daughter's attitude. "I can spend the afternoon with Eliza and my grandbaby."
"Yeah, I'm sure that would be nice." She gives her mom a fake smile. "I'll just call Tim, okay?"
"He's only at the apartment." She says. "I want you to be careful on that knee, though."
"I will."
"You have a wife and an unborn child that need your undivided attention, Zona."
Yeah, and that would totally happen if I hadn't broken your daughter's heart…
ARIZONA'S POV
"Thanks, Tim." Pulling up our drive, Tim cuts the engine and sits back in his seat. I know he wants in on what's going on in my marriage but I'm not sure I have the energy to discuss it anymore. I'm not sure I care right now. "You don't have to stay…"
"And you aren't leaving until we've talked about this." He shrugs. "What the hell is going on with you guys?"
"I told you…" I give him a knowing look. "She accused me of banging Ash." I try to be as nonchalant as possible but inside I'm dying.
"But why?" He furrows his brow. "She has been at the bar for a while now."
"Look, I didn't want to do this without her, but there is something you need to know…" I turn to face him a little better. "We're having a baby."
"No freaking way!" He hits the wheel and laughs. "That's awesome."
"Well, it was." I give him a sad smile, my voice breaking. "It was amazing and everything I've ever wanted until she said what she did. Until she accused me. Says she's scared that I need someone else…"
"I'm sure you guys will be okay." He squeezes my hand. "I'll bet Eliza is feeling a bit overwhelmed and unsure right now."
"I don't care." I shake my head. "She knows she's got me. She knows I'm completely here."
"I'm not saying what she said was right, Zo…but you guys were made for each other. Your kid is going to have it all."
"Then why do I feel like I have nothing right now?" I ask, my eyebrow raised. "Why do I feel like this is never going to end…"
"Maybe because you're scared too." Toying with the arrangement of flowers in my hand, he nudges my shoulder. "You may be mad at her…but I see how much you love her."
"I love her more than anything…" I sigh. "But the things she said in the office? Fuck, it hurt."
"I'm sure she just got carried away with it all." He gives me one of his soft smiles. The kind of smile that settles me. "I'm not saying go in there and forget it ever happened…but at least try to be okay with her. She's carrying your baby, Zo."
"I know." A tear slips down my face. "I know she is and I don't want to go inside for fear of upsetting her again."
"So, don't." He shrugs. "If you guys have to sit in silence, do that. Just don't push her away. I know what you're like."
"I think she's pushing herself away by accusing me but whatever." I scoff. "She didn't kind of accuse, Tim. She was more than clear with her accusations."
"Talk to her." He sighs. "Tell her how you feel."
"You sure you're not gay?" I narrow my eyes and lighten the mood a little. "Awfully in touch with your feelings, bro."
"Fuck you." He laughs. "I was raised right…just like you."
"Thanks, Tim." I squeeze his hands. "I guess I should get inside, huh?"
"Yeah, go get your girl." He throws me a wink. "She's giving you one of the most amazing things in life."
"She is the most amazing thing in life." I breathe out. Dragging myself from his car, I slowly but surely make my way up the rest of the drive and towards our front door. The arrangement of flowers gripped tight in my hand, I slip my key into the lock and push the door open. Our home is silent but I can see Eliza sleeping on the couch. She looks as peaceful as ever but I know our life right now is anything but that. I know our life is one huge mess and we have to start fixing it. I know I told myself that I'd do that this morning but when I woke, my mood hadn't improved whatsoever. Tim is right, though. We love each other and I have to at least try.
Closing the door quietly, I move straight into the living room and take a seat in the single chair facing my wife. I won't wake her, but I will watch her a while. When she's sleeping, she doesn't have any worries. Just like when I'm sleeping. It may be hard to find right now, but when I do sleep…everything seems okay. So much better than it really is. Sitting forward, my elbow resting on my good knee, I study her body and yeah, our baby is beginning to make an appearance. I don't want us to be forever fighting and I don't want this little one to grow up without the both of us always close by. It may take a while for me to forgive Eliza, but I know I have to. I have to for the sake of my family. The family I've spent so much time thinking about.
Watching as my wife stirs a little, her eyes slowly open and I can still see that look of worry in them. I guess I've done nothing today to reassure her, but honestly…it isn't my place to do that. She's the one who has thrown around the hurtful words again, so no…none of this is on me. "I'm sorry." I clear my throat as I stand. "For walking out today."
"It's okay." She says, barely above a whisper. "It was nice spending time with your mom."
"I still shouldn't have done it." My fingers run through my hair. "Anything could've happened to you…"
"I'm okay, Arizona." Sitting up on her elbows, she pulls herself into a seated position and closes her eyes, steadying her breathing.
"What's wrong?" I furrow my brow.
"Just a little dizzy." She waves off my concern. "I think I'm just tired." No, she is stressed. "Are those for me?" She gives me a small hopeful smile.
"Right, yeah." I nod. "Just...I saw them and figured you would like them."
"They're beautiful…" She stands and takes them from me, gripping my arm to gain some balance. "S-Sorry."
"Hey…are you okay?" My heart rate soars as my arm wraps around her waist for support. "Eliza?"
"Y-Yeah." She breathes out, taking a seat again. "Just…sit with me for a minute?" Her eyes finding mine, she has a look of worry in them that mirrors my own right now. "Please?"
"Of course." I drop down beside her and pay no attention to the throbbing in my knee. Taking her hand in my own, she grips it tight and studies my face.
"I need you, Arizona." A tear slips down her face. "Even if you don't love me anymore, I need you now more than ever."
"I do love you." I give her a sad smile. "And I don't want to waste another minute fighting with you." I press a kiss to the back of her hand. "We have to be okay, Eliza…"
"We both love you so much and I will always regret last night." Her voice breaks. "I promise to try harder through this…"
"I just want you to be safe and okay." My hand settles on her stomach. "It's the most important thing to me."
"C-Can we go to bed?" She asks, uncertainty in her eyes. "Just…lie down together?"
"We can." I nod, a small smile curling on my mouth. "Are you sure you feel okay?"
"I think so, yeah." She stands, using my shoulder for a little help. "If I don't feel good tomorrow, I'll get checked out."
"Promise?" I stand, my hand once again finding her own. "If something is wrong, you'll tell me?" I can't help but feel like our fighting has caused this and honestly, I'll never forgive myself if there is something wrong. I'm sure it's just this day and the fact that it needs to end already, but yeah…I need to keep a check on my wife. From this moment on, I'm here for that. Just like I always have been. I cannot allow this issue to consume me and in this moment, I know that I have to be the one who kinda lets it slide. Sure, that doesn't mean we are completely fine, but I'm here and I'm ready to fix this with Eliza.
I know nothing happened in that office, and I believe she does, too…
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.
