Seven. Tell Me Why
"I'm sick and tired of your attitude, feeling like I don't know you.
You tell me that you love me then cut me down."
- Tell Me Why, Taylor Swift
Someone once said that your child is like your heart walking around outside of your body. Even after seeing countless parents of sick children I thought this statement to be slightly dramatic. I still thought that way until this very moment.
The deafening silence in the operating room. The sight of monitors being shut off. The stillness of the child that lay on the table. They changed everything.
"For the hundredth freaking time, Britt, I'm ready!" I yelled at her. Her tone was making me angrier by the second. "Why are you so set on making this difficult? You're acting like a stranger, what happened to the woman who told me I was a great doctor? Why are you here telling me that I'm not?" I say putting my dishes in the sink before giving her a disappointed look.
"I'm not trying to make this difficult. I never said you weren't great. I'm trying to make sure that you don't overdo it on your first real day back. I'm just trying to remind you that going back there today is going to be different." Her tone is the most condescending I've ever heard from her.
"It's not going to be different Brittany." I can't help but use her full name for her to get the seriousness of my point. "I'm not going to sit down and take it easy when there are sick children that need my help when I am fully capable of helping them. That's what our vacation was for, time to get myself together, recuperate from what happened to us."
"That is not what I mean!" She sighs in frustration before continuing her rant. "I mean that you're not going to back that hospital just as a surgeon, Santana. You're going back there as a surgeon who is a mother, who also works with extremely sick children. You need to ease yourself back into this San, or it's all going to blow up in your face when you least expect it and you won't have a clue at what to do."
I leave the kitchen and put on my jacket, throwing my messenger bag over my shoulder. "I am perfectly being capable of going back to work, and for implying that I'm not I'm going to drop Lily off at the daycare and you are to drive to yourself to work." Brittany had gone back to work yesterday, only teaching her morning class rather than teaching all school day. I take Lily from Brittany who is holding her in her car seat. "Yes, Lily. Your Momma is stubborn. She doesn't think Mami can do it. We'll show her right, baby girl?" I give her a kiss on her forehead as she gurgles in reply. I leave the apartment without another word to Brittany. No, I was too proud for that.
My heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest; no anaesthesia. It feels as if my airways are beginning to close. My hand is quivering uncontrollably. The grip on the scalpel in my hand is tighter than my hold on reality at this moment.
"Dr. Lopez?" My head scrub nurse is standing across the table from me giving me a concerned look. I know I should answer her but it is as if I've become catatonic. "Dr. Lopez?" She asks again trying to entice me to speak. "Would you like me to get," I don't let her finish her sentence before I beginning nodding my head almost franticly. She immediately steps away and begins walking swiftly out of the room. All my hopes are on her shoulders now. I hope they're not breaking.
Pulling into the Mount Sinai staff parking lot I let out an audible breath I hadn't known I'd been holding. After hopping out of my Dodge Charger, I quickly pull my seat forward to reveal my daughter sleeping soundly in her car seat. I smile automatically forms on my face. "This is going to be interesting." I say with a chuckle, Lily was bound to cause some trouble in daycare, even as a month and a half old she seemed to attract trouble. Whether it be creating a fuss over not being held right or someone being to loud she'd let you know about it by bawling her little lungs out. "It's just you and me, kid." I say in a whisper.
Before I even reach the daycare I've been ambushed by nurses wanting to take a look at the legendary Lily Lopez, the newest addition to the Sinai surgical family. I was thankfully rescued by none other than Noah Puckerman, "Okay, ladies. I think Dr. Lopez would actually like to get to work before lunch so would you excuse us." He places a hand on my shoulder and begins to lead me down the hall towards my destination.
"Thank you, I didn't think I was going to be able to handle them myself for much longer." I chuckle at the thought of the nurses being taken aback my Puck's arrival.
"Anytime, Lopez. Speaking of you being by yourself, where is that other half of yours?" Puck's laugh echoes through the hallway causing Lily to stir slightly.
"Puck, how many times do we have to tell you not to laugh so loud? You're going to terrorize her." I give him a look. "And to answer you question, she's at home or on her way to work by now I'm sure." I roll my eyes, which doesn't go unnoticed by Puck.
"Oh no, there's trouble in paradise?" He says slightly sarcastically.
"Sure, Puck, there's trouble in paradise." I mock his words. "Brittany keeps telling me that I'm not ready. She keeps telling me that it's not going to be the same thing as before. She talks to me like I'm a child who needs to be explained that when their dog died they're not going to see them again or something."
"She sort of has a point, don't you think, Santana?" His words are somewhat of a shock. I never expected such words to come out of Noah Puckerman, even as a 'changed' man. "It's not like you were off on vacation in the Bahamas or something, you had a child. Having a child changes you. You and I both know that."
"Shut up, Puckerman. Shouldn't you be stapling tummy tucks or something?" I'm even surprised at the tone of my voice. It's not my usual tone; not for a long shot.
"Fine, I'll leave you alone. But think about that I said. Deep down you know she's right." Puck gives me a small pat on the back before taking his hand of my shoulder. "Welcome back, Lopez."
The silence in the OR is broken once again, but this time it's from a familiar run of mixed English and Spanish I've heard countless times. My gaze on my patient's face is moved to the figure of my wife entering the room. I can see the worry and fear in her eyes. It is as if someone had taken the life out of them. The thought of this causes the tears that had been unknowingly forming in my eyes to begin to flow down my face and a small whimper to escape my lips.
"Dr." She stops, now noticing the room is empty except for me, my patient on the table, and her. "Santana." Her voice is concerned, whatever trace of her condescending tone from this morning is gone. I look at her and open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. "Santana, I need you to but the scalpel down." A small sad smile is now on her face. "Can you do that for me?"
I only now remember my shaking hand holding the scalpel. I don't reply but after a few moments I can feel the grip on the object in my hand disappear; I hear the small clang of the scalpel hitting the floor. As if holding onto that scalpel was my last form of resistance, sobs now take over my body. The world around me blurs and all I can comprehend is the feeling of two warm arms wrapping themselves around me.
Isla Hernandez. Age 7. Three vehicle crash victim. Emergency thoracotomy. I had been all into the ER mere minutes after getting changed in the attending's lounge.
"Okay, Dr. Allen I need you to get her prepped and to book an OR ASAP." I close the chart that is in my hands before handing it back to the familiar resident. "Scrub in. I'll be there in less than five minutes." She doesn't answer, she simply follows my orders. She motions to a group of nurses around a gurney behind her to follow her.
I'm scrubbing in after what seems like seconds. As I entire the OR I notice something's different. My patient, Isla, is wide awake on the table. "Do we have a problem here?" I ask in my most calm, sincere voice; trying to not scare her.
"Our patient here is allergic to the anaesthesia. So we could only put her under local anaesthesia." The anaesthesiologist gives me a look of slight concerned.
"Okay, well that shouldn't be much of a problem now should it?" My question is rhetorical but I receive a nod from the anaesthesiologist. I look down at Isla who is lying on my table; she looks so familiar.
Her eyes are russet brown and are widened slightly in fear. I can see her dark brown hair peaking out beneath her surgical cap. She instantly reminds me of one of the two most important people in my entire world. "I'm Dr. Lopez but you can call me Santana if you like." I say with a smile, Isla gives me a small nod. "Okay we're going to get started now, so just relax. You're going to be okay." I give my scrub nurses a nod to signal them to put up the sheet. "Scalpel, please." My voice is as cheery as possible, trying not to scare the small child whose life is in my hands.
"Santana." I open my eyes to find the operating room has disappeared only to be replaced by the familiar surroundings of our on-call room. Brittany has wrapped her warm arm around me, our legs are intertwined. "Its okay, Santana, I'm right here." Her fingers are absentmindedly playing with my hair. I bury my face into Brittany neck, trying to hide from everything that's happened today. "Shh, it's okay. You don't have to talk about it right now if you don't want to but you're going to have to tell me later okay. You know it's not good to bottle things up inside for too long." I can feel her kiss the top of my head, her hold on me tightens, making me feel safe.
"How did we get here?" are the only words I can say right now, and even they stumble out of my mouth like I'm that six year old with a stutter all over again.
"After I caught you in the OR after you had a small panic attack and blacked out. I knew it was from all the stress so I carried you back here so that you could rest comfortably. I'm so glad you're awake, I wasn't sure if you were going to wake up anytime soon. I was so scared." I look up to find that tears are now forming in her eyes and it's killing me. I hate making her upset, even if it's unintentional.
"I-I want to tell you." I manage to spit out before reaching up and placing my hand on her cheek. "Y-You were right."
I can see the confusion in her eyes. "I was right about what, sweetie?" She doesn't know what I'm talking about. It is as if she doesn't remember our fight this morning.
"You were right about things being d-different." My voice is barely audible, it's no more than a whisper.
"I'm sorry about that, baby. I hate that I was right because I know how much you wanted to just be able to go back to work and things to be the exact same. You didn't want our personal life to affect your work because you love these kids so much and you didn't want anything to damage your ability to help them." She takes a deep breath before continuing. "But this hasn't damaged it. It's just makes you relate to things differently. That doesn't make you less of a doctor or a surgeon. It makes you better. It makes you an even greater doctor." I can hear the compassion in Brittany's voice; I love it when she talks like this, it was one of the many things about her that made me fall completely in love with her. "Just tell what happened and why it made you feel like this, San."
"Okay, we're half way done. Not much longer, Isla." I stick my head past the curtain that stops Isla from seeing what I'm doing. I receive a small smile from the gir that reminds me so much of Brittany l before returning back to work. "What?" My work area is now quickly filling with blood.
"I don't feel so well, Santana." Isla's voice enters my conscious.
"Dr. Lopez her BP is dropping and fast." I can hear the alarm the anaesthesiologist's tone.
"Santana, what's happening?" The fear in her voice is inevitable.
"Don't worry, Isla we're going to fix it." I keep my voice as calm as I can, I've never had a patient awake on my table.
"Allen, I need you to help me find the bleeders, quickly." She follows my orders without a word.
"We're losing her, Dr. Lopez. She's starting to go unconscious." My scrub nurse gives me a look of concern.
"Reed, take over, hurry." I say as a move slightly to the other side of the curtain. "I need you to stay awake. Look at me, talk if you can okay?"
"She's bradycardiac."
"Allen, Reed, find those bleeders now." I raise my voice trying to emphasize the importance of their task. "It's okay sweetie. Just keep looking at me. I'm right here." Before I know it the monitors are blaring; her heart has stopped. I can see the life drain from her familiar russet brown eyes, and it kills me.
"She's gone." Reed says as he steps away from the table. He looks at me to pronounce time of death but I can't bring myself to do it. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest as the words escape his mouth."Time of death 10:41"
My gaze doesn't leave my patient's face, even though it's not her face I see.
"It wasn't your fault, honey. There was nothing you could have none differently, it was out of your control." Brittany is assuring me, but she's assuring something to me I already know and not what I need to. Sobs start to wrack through my body; and everything besides for Britt and me disappears.
It feels like hours until I break the silence that has been created by the stopping of my sobs. "It's not the fact that she died, I know there was nothing I could do. It was that, it was that." I take a deep breath, I know it's something I need to do or I won't be able to continue.
"Baby steps, Santana, baby steps." She says telling me to take my time.
"It was that every time I looked at her I didn't see her. I saw Lily or you. She had Lily's hair and the same brown eyes with both of your contagious smile. Every time I looked at her I saw you as a child or Lily when she gets older. I couldn't handle it. It was like I was losing you both even though you weren't even in the room." The fear in my voice doesn't go unnoticed by my wife.
"Hey, I'm right here." She takes my hand and places it over her heart. "My heart is still beating, I'm still breathing. I'm not going anywhere." The feeling of her heart beating inside her chest against my hand calms me. "Lily is downstairs in the daycare center living and breathing just the same way as you and me. She's not going anywhere either, baby."
"I know, I know. I just, I would lose everything if anything happened to either of you. I love you too much." I can't resist placing a kiss on Brittany's lips. "God, I love you so much."
"I love you more than life itself." Brittany places her forehead against mine. "What would you say about going down and seeing our daughter?" A smile has now spread across her face, involuntarily causing me to smile.
"I'd love that. Let's go see Lily." I look into Brittany's eyes. I find everything I need to see in life; compassion, happiness, trust, and love. Everything I knew Brittany would teach our daughter.
