Well, it's been a while.
Took me some time to get back into things. It wasn't easy. Life has been tossing me new situations and unusual mental challenges, and the newest one had me thinking I'd never write again when it was over. But here I am. This always seems to be the first fanfic I wrote for when I come back to writing. Not sure why.
Hope this is less depressing for you all. I also think I finally have a handle on the plot and where it's going. :-)
review answer time!
Only two, from two of my favorite people though, so I'm sure it's worth it. :-)
CrazyElfPaladin: Thanks, I do my best. and thanks for reviewing. I know you did it out of the goodness of your sexy heart. :-p
Omnicat: Aw, what a wonderful review! Yes, I feel like I'm channeling them. They often do weird things I don't expect them to, and when I'm off, I can feel it. It feels like I'm forcing the situation when I'm off, and usually when I go back and try to write again when I'm in the "zone" the scene comes out totally different. Heero will definitely get more chapters in his POV. I think Quatre deserves one first though, but then we'll start cycling them again. (grin) yep, cloned animals! Doesn't it just make sense though? As for the last line, thank you. I assume you mean of the narrative, not the poem. I felt that the character of Heero had emotions for Duo that, while not sexual, still could be sensual in the form of devotion and intensity of expression Heero manages to display. He is a deep-feeler, and that is probably why many think he doesn't feel at all. There are deeper waters churning beneath, far deeper than a shallow pool - or a shallow person. Ack, there I go! See, the juices are flowing. Thank God!
I sure hope more people review, but it's not really necessary. Read, enjoy . . . find peace.
PS: forgive the (to my mind) blatant reference in the latter poem. Kudos to anyone who gets it. The phrase was not mine to conceive, but I don't believe it's copyrighted.
8: Cracked
The sun rises
Darkness sheds like scales,
the world sloughing off shadow
And I arise in the morning
Tainted by night
Blessed by day
Roughened by hope
Possessed by despair
And I stare into the sun
Wondering what I might find
When I get there
I don't like crowds anymore. I used to love them, used be the class clown, you might say. Except I never had any classes to go to but ones that taught me how to plant bombs, how to break into high-security areas, or how to assassinate someone and not get caught.
What, you thought I learned all that on the fly, as a street kid? Please. It was hard enough to get food in the ghettos of the colony I grew up on, let alone internet access. It would have been impossible for a seven-year-old to get his hands on high-powered explosives and a triggering mechanism for them, and even if he did, how would he know how to use them without blowing himself to hell?
No, I was taught. And though I loved being the center of attention, there was no rough-housing allowed in those classes. I wanted to learn, so I did. I had an intensity I thought I'd only feel when rescuing the other small ones on the streets, or attempting vengeance against our rival gangs. I learned, and learned well. I ate it up. I wanted to fight, I wanted to kill. Winning was just the icing on the cake.
Wow, I'm babbling. Getting off topic.
So, anyway, crowds. These days, any small number is a crowd to me. I feel crushed in, maybe even claustrophobic, when people surround me. Never felt that way before, you know.
Before . . .
Heero probably thought telling me I'd be eating with only Relena and Quatre would help me feel less afraid. Instead it wound me up tight, jarred me with realization. They were waiting for me. They'd be there, staring at me, and here I was, looking like something the cat brought home ten-days-dead. Sure, if Heero saw me all sweaty and dirty and just plain grungy, that was fine. But Relena was high society and Quatre'd obligingly returned to it – who wouldn't – and here I was supposed to go eat breakfast with them?
Really, that's the only reason I'm afraid of going in there. I look terrible. I probably don't smell so great, either. I check myself out – you know, you have to do the quick "sniff" test – and I guess I could be worse. But I could sure use some deodorant.
I turn and glance behind me, and sure enough, Heero's right on my back. "Heero," I ask, and continue trudging slowly forward, "You sure I can't take a quick shower first? I, um, I'm not very appetizing." I try a grin at him, and look into his eyes, those dark slate-blue eyes. They always send a little frightened shiver down my spine when he glares at me, and he's glaring now. I flutter my lashes and hope he overlooks the fact that I'm a guy for at least a few seconds.
He sighs, and the glare turns to an amused annoyance, and my grin widens. "Duo. You don't smell that bad. I doubt anyone will notice. But what they will notice is if I have to drag you in there, or if you're not around. You are going to eat," he informs me, and I feel myself shrinking. Dammit, I used to be able to stand up to him. Now I just feel like a kid getting caught shop-lifting. Not that that ever happened to me. Okay, maybe once or twice.
"Okay, okay," I say softly, not wanting Quatre or Relena to hear this. Jeeze, how embarrassing. "Let's just go, then. Man, are you touchy."
I turn back around, and slink towards the dining area. At least I think that's where I'm going. Then I get shoved down a different hall by my jail warden and realize I wasn't quite on track. I find myself grumbling under my breath. Damned prick, it's not my fault I can't remember where everything is. I wasn't exactly sober long during the housewarming party a few years ago. I sigh heavily, feeling my body sink and become weighted with memory. Hilde went with me to that party. She'd looked so beautiful that night. The hottest women in the galaxy.
And it's like I was reminded she's dead. Like I forgot for just a little while. Sometimes it's like that. The full force of the remembrance hits you like a bullet train, leaves you flat on your back.
I take a shaking breath and straighten my spine, gazing past the light falling on me from the broad windows in the darkened corridor, and push my way forward. Just a few more steps until Relena and Quatre. But no Hilde. Not ever again. No Hilde.
I breathe more, determined for some reason to not let this beat me today. Tomorrow, maybe. Definitely the past couple of weeks. But not today. Just a few more steps . . .
The hall feels as if it's miles long, and yet not nearly long enough. I march with heavy feet through the living room and towards where I hear noises and voices. Just Relena and Quatre, he says. Just the thought is enough to entangle the starving mass of butterflies within my stomach. You'd figure by now they'd have died from starvation considering how often I eat.
I lift my head and steel myself to meet my friends. I guess I still have a little pride in me, after all. I'm a mess, wearing the same clothes from yesterday that must have started to stink by now – but of course I can't tell, myself – and my unwashed bird-nest of hair pulled back into a temporary ponytail while I really need a shave. Definitely beauty-pageant material, here. But my head I hold high. So fucking what. I look like shit. Good morning to you, too.
And now I've become belligerent. Oh, well, they'll just have to accept it.
My eyes are caught on the bright sunlight streaming through the windows as I move through an archway, and when I look back in front of me, Quatre and Relena are there. They pause in their movements, eyes rising to meet my own, and I freeze.
Through the very modern kitchen is the dining room, a table laden with food and the two cheeriest of people waiting for me. I feel like a vampire thrust into the afternoon sun when I step into their presence. They practically glisten with the hope and joy I can see in their eyes. Dammit.
"Duo, good morning!" Quatre effuses as he steps near to embrace me, and I wince, trying to force my grimace into a grin. "I hope you slept well." Of course. Fucking wonderfully.
Behind him and far less forward, Relena smiles, her crystal blue eyes resting gently upon me. "I'm glad you could join us for breakfast," she murmurs in a smooth, polished soprano. I'm sure she's at her most diplomatic this morning. Can't have her new pet project upset.
Gah, I shudder the thoughts from me with a twitch of my shoulder as Quatre lets me go, and I try to sit quietly with the trio and not let my self-loathing show. Duo, you asshole, my mind mutters to myself as they begin to practically wait on me hand and foot, putting way too much food on my plate – how the hell do they expect me to eat all that – and it's as if I can feel the anger that has returned begin to literally burn inside of me, like I've become the wick to a very large flame. Still, I know I shouldn't be this way. I know Relena wants to help me. But I hate being coddled. I hate being manipulated. I hate being treated like I'm infirm.
And I just get madder and madder and madder until a voice interrupts my thoughts —
"Duo, would you like more? I'm so glad to see you like it." I find myself gazing up into the blonde girl's sweet face. "I'm sure Heero is pleased that you appreciate his cooking."
"What?" I snap, then my eyes follow her gaze down to my plate, where apparently I've eaten every damn thing on it. I feel myself flushing hot like a radiator and I keep my head down, but I find myself glaring at the chinaware. "Um, yeah, it's okay." Jackass.
I just feel more confused when my plate is filled again without me even moving a muscle. They're catering to me. Smiling at me. Loving me. Dammit, now I want to cry again, but they're just so happy. My emotions war within myself and I struggle between them desperately.
Then I realize that Heero is sitting next to me, because he moves a little bit closer, and his presence seems to sooth the ragged part inside me that chafes at such soft-glove treatment, that wants to cry because they love me, that wants to tell them not to. . . "Keep getting angry like that and you'll be back to a steady diet in no time," he murmurs just loud enough for me to hear him.
"Fuck you," I whisper, and go back to my food; and strangely enough, that tight pressure on my chest is gone, and I find myself smiling just a little. "Hey," I mutter after a few bites, and I see Heero's glance shifting to me from the corner of his eyes. "It's a hell of a lot better than Cathy's cooking."
There's a moment of silence, and then his chuckling fills the room with a deep, baritone sound, and Relena and Quatre look up in surprise to hear Heero Yuy laughing out loud.
I hide the grin on my face and return to my food.
Maybe seeing my friends isn't such a bad idea, after all.
Sunbeams
Molten light
The darkness shuts like a door,
Closing out night
Within the inferno,
Pain is burned away
Scars evaporate
Evil is cleansed
And where no shadows fall . . .
I Am
