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I belong to you

BPOV

Time is a funny thing, you could be 100 years old and remember your first kiss when you were 16 so vividly you try to convince yourself it didn't happen just yesterday. Your life is controlled by time and there is no escaping it. Events that you want to be attached to always go by so fast that you have to use all your attention and concentration to make sure you don't miss a single detail and you believe that these events run on a different time zone but the truth is they don't-they are no more important than normal mundane events. In two years you can fall for someone and feel like it has only been 2 weeks since you first met, in two years you can be half way through high school but feel like it has taken 5 years. In 5 minutes you can realise you still love him, maybe more than you did before and that you could possibly be making a big mistake.

He kissed me, it was like those moments you see in the movies that you don't believe really happen in reality. And before I knew it I was kissing him back with as much force possible-my way of attempting to let him know that I was still angry at him but I think he had mistaken it as a moment of passion, maybe it was-maybe I was the one mistaken. I wrapped my arms around his neck trying to get as close to him as possible and he moved his hands to my waist which sent shivers down my back, not the bad kind, the excited kind. I could feel him losing control and I knew it wasn't long until I felt the same way but then I registered what I was doing. I couldn't do this, not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't be this close to him. I pulled away and found myself touching my lips trying to hold the feeling of that kiss in, I still felt his lips on mine, his hands around my waist, his sweet breath still lingered around me, I didn't want it to escape. It was so perfect that I thought I had imagined it.

I waited outside until the movie had finished, I couldn't be with Edward alone, not now. It was cold outside and I was sure a storm was coming, I had to concentrate on breathing- I don't think I took a breath since before he kissed me and I was paying for it now. I was almost at the stage of hyperventilating when the rain came, the cool droplets against my skin calmed me down and I found myself breathing normally again. I knew I shouldn't be but I was repeating that kiss over and over again in my head and each time I came to the part where I pulled away, a tear fell down my cheeks.

"Bella?" I heard Alice shout, I didn't realise how long I was out here for and now they were coming over to me, including Edward. They looked completely oblivious to what happened and I was thankful that Edward hadn't told them even though I expected him to. But what I didn't expect was to see him look sort of well, thoughtful.

"What are you doing out here? You must be freezing" Rosalie said while putting her arm around me and I was, I was soaking and so cold.

"I had a headache and the weather made me feel a bit better" I lied. We were walking towards Emmet's car and I just remembered the seating arrangement. "Erm guys do you mind, if I sit in the front you know so I am closer to the heater" I asked while looking at the floor, I took a quick glance and found Edward was doing the very same thing. My friends were fine with the new seating arrangement. The car ride was quick, I continued thinking of Edward and every now and then I would join in with the conversation that were going so I didn't seem rude.

When we got back to the Cullen house, I excused myself from the rest of the night's activities, claiming that I felt ill after standing in the rain so long and none of them could argue with me, I looked more pale than usual- I wasn't sure whether that was because of the fact that I kissed Edward or because of the horrible thought that I may never get that chance again. I went upstairs to Alice's room and crashed out as soon as I hit the pillow.

That night I had the same dream, I've had almost every day since last week.

I could smell and taste the saltness of the sea on my tongue, I could feel the wind wrap around me like a lovers embrace. I could hear the waves crashing against each other in a bid to win the race to the shore. I wasn't aware of where I was or where I was heading but something kept pulling me towards it like opposite sides of a pair of magnets. I walked the whole stretch of the beach until the pulling stopped. I looked around trying to find where that incredible force was coming from and then suddenly I saw him. The sun was shining in his hair creating golden tones that resembled the suns rays and he turned around like he was expecting me to meet him all along. He smiled such a beautiful smile that I was almost knocked off of my feet and from that very moment I knew he was the one.

The next morning I woke up, I slept a lot longer than I thought I had. I showered and got dressed as quickly as I could, I felt rude that I was still upstairs when I was at someone else's house. I went downstairs to find Rosalie, Alice, Emmet and Jasper sitting at the dining room discussing something so quietly that I couldn't make out what it was. When I walked in Alice smiled at me and gestured for me to sit between her and Rosalie.

"Hi guys, sorry I slept so late" I said

"It's no problem Bells, you haven't missed much" Emmet reassured me. I was really thankful for the friends I have.

"Bella, we need to talk to you about something, we aren't really sure about how to start so I am just going to come out and say it" Jasper said and I was scared, I didn't want to hear what they were going to say.

"I'm not sure I want to hear what you have to say" I said, hoping that they would listen to my request.

"Bella, please be quiet and just listen" Alice said with such authority I was surprised and the only thing I could do was sit up straight and listen.

"Bella, well..erm..how do I say this?" Rosalie stuttered. This wasn't like her she was the most confident one out of the group even though none of them lacked confidence.

"Spit it out Rosalie" Emmet said which landed him with a smack across the back of his head from his girlfriend. Before Rosalie could sort out the words she was going to say, Alice decided to speak.

"Bella, You love Edward" she said and it wasn't even a question, they knew and I don't know how, when I wasn't even completely sure myself.

"I do not" I protested

"Bella, we aren't stupid and you aren't a very good liar" Alice responded

"We see the way you look at him Bells, your eyes light up" Rosalie added

"They do not" I didn't know what else to say

"Bella we know when he stopped talking to you that it hurt you, and now you are talking again you smile so much more and its like you never changed" Jasper said ignoring my protest again.

"I am still the same Bella I was back then" I tried to convince them but more myself

"Just admit it, I know you will find it hard to forgive him but you love him Bella" Emmet said

"Even if I do, not that I do but what is it to you?" I shot back

"Don't get antsy Bella we just want to help you" Alice said. If they really want to help me they would wipe this conversation out of their memory.

"I don't need your help because you are all wrong" I shouted at them and ran out.

I needed some space, I needed to think and I had to go before Edward came back. I had been successfully avoiding him since the kiss last night and I was sure my luck was about to run out. I was running as fast as I could without falling through the forest that surrounded the Cullen's house. To some people the forest is a little bit creepy but not to me, I always loved the sounds and smells you would find, it allowed a calming feeling to wash all over me and I was quite thankful for that usually. I heard the sound of footsteps coming from behind me, I tried to think logically-it's not hunting season? So it can't be a bear, I hope. Just before I started panicking, I heard him.

"If you are looking for me Bella, I'm right here" he said with such complete confidence that it made me feel a fraction smaller than I actually am. I hated the way he could pull of that confidence, it wasn't him, the him that I use to know. I turned around ready with a comeback and suddenly his face dropped, he looked sad and shocked.

"Bella, whats wrong? You're crying" he said while closing the distance between us. I didn't realise I was crying and I wish I could stop but the more I tried the more tears overflowed.

"Like you care" I shot back meaning every word.

"Of course I care Bella, don't be silly" he said while reaching towards me to wipe a new set of tears away. I froze at his touch but I didn't back away just yet. I breathed him in attempting to remember his smell and I saw a slight smile appear across his face, the smile made me miss a heartbeat I didn't want him to have that affect on me, I pushed him away and moved a few steps backwards.

"Has someone hurt you? Bella tell me who it is, I won't let them get away with hurting you" he said sounding sincere, for a just a moment I actually believed he cared.

"You were never a good liar" I said

"I'm not sure I'm following you Bella" He looked confused, of course he was. He doesn't think he did anything wrong.

"Your little act, pretending you actually care. I almost fell for it but oh I know that you don't mean it" I shouted at him with more force than was actually necessary.

"No one is acting, now lets get you inside before you get cold"

"No, I'm not going anywhere with you"I was shouting again but I'm sure I sounded like I was whispering to him.

"You are being ridiculous, what have I done to you?" he sounded angry but he was trying to hold back.

"You stopped talking to me for two years and now all of a sudden your all over me" I accused.

"Is that it? You seemed fine when I started talking to you last week. Now tell me what is really wrong or I will drag you back to my house" Is that it? Doesn't he understand that its so much more than that.

"You, you are whats wrong! You changed me when you went, you took a piece of me with you, I was no longer whole-I am broken. I tried to fix myself believe me but I failed every time I tried. The thing is I couldn't fix myself because that piece of me belonged to you, no matter how much I tried I couldn't replace it. I lost who I am because of you. And you are completely fine , your not going about your life feeling so empty that you start to believe that you're no longer really here. Your living your life like your gods gift, believing you can have who you want when you want. While I'm fighting with myself every time I see you look in my direction, walk past me or accidentally brush up against me, trying to persuade myself that I don't belong to you when the truth is I do-I'm very much yours, every single part of me is yours. I wake up in the middle of the night aching for you, craving for you and every time you ignore me or say something rude about me I wish it came from anyone but you and my heart breaks just a little more" By this point I was shaking and crying uncontrollably not with anger or sadness but of relief, relief of finally being able to tell my side of the story. "Remember when we were 15 and it was a rare sunny day in Forks and we went to the beach. We spent the whole day by the rock pools, amazed by their beauty and imaging what secrets lye underneath them, that day we promised each other we belonged in each other's life, I guess I was the only one who kept my part of the promise."

"Bella I" I cut him off

"Let me finish, and now after two years you are talking to me again, your giving me all the attention that I dreamt of getting from you. I start to feel to feel that piece of me come back with each little word that comes from you and every gentle touch heals another break. But I have to stop myself from feeling like that because you can take that part of me away as quickly as you have given it back to me and I don't think I can ever pretend to be ok if you leave again. So you really want to know why I hate you, it's because I love so much that it hurts." We stood in silence for a couple of minutes, I was working on breathing in a steady rhythm while he stood there, he looked like he could possibly fall to pieces.

"Bella, I don't know what to say" I honestly couldn't blame him, what can you say when someone admits they love you and you don't feel the same way.

"Don't say anything, it's really ok. You know they say love is never 50-50, someone always feels more than the other and I didn't understand it, I didn't like that you had to be unequal- it doesn't set a very good base for a relationship. I would rather it be 100-100 because anything below that seemed too low, too insignificant but now I understand, someone has to be weaker while the other one moves on with their life. I guess I drew the unlucky straw but it's ok, maybe one day you will feel how I do and you will be able to sympathise with me." I stopped shouting ages ago at this point I was barely whispering and I'm sure he moved towards me just to hear me but every step he took forward, I took a few steps backwards.