Fergus, oh Fergus…why do things always fall apart when they seem to be going right? I have finally come to terms with my role as a Grey Warden, one who could be with the man I chose and now he is a prince, my Alistair is a prince! But I should not refer to him as such, there is no way that he can ever be mine, not now. A titleless woman has no place on the throne, not even when noble blood still flows in her veins. I should start at the beginning though, lest I confuse you further.
We arrived in Redcliffe several days ago to find the town and castle in shambles, and evil creatures attacking in the night. I am beginning to think that no step on this journey will be a simple one. Bann Teagan asked us for help – Mother was right, he is handsome and charming, and were things different, perhaps I would have encouraged the match. But now…alas, I digress.
We beat back the beasts and found our way into the castle proper. We discovered a nightmare within – Connor, the Arl's son, was possessed of a demon. This news must stay between us, brother. I do not wish the scandal upon the Arl's family that this news would cause. I don't know if we can keep it secret, but I would prefer it not be me that spread the word. It can only be hidden in the first place through the Maker's own blessing – we were able to enlist the aid of the Circle of Magi, which was only too happy to help after we prevented their annulment. Connor will have to go to the Circle for training, but at least he is alive, free, and as sane as can be expected.
After Connor's rescue, we went to Arl Eamon's bedside and Fergus, it is truly a miracle, Andraste's ashes were able to heal him, when no magic or herb could. He is well again, and has recovered more quickly than we could have hoped. He has agreed to work with us against Loghain to unite Ferelden against the Blight. So how then amidst all this good news can I be so desperately unhappy?
Though we have come to know one another well these past few months, it seems Alistair has managed to keep a secret from me. Perhaps "keep from me" is too strong a statement, he was afraid to tell me, and then I stopped him when he mustered the courage to try. Fergus, he is the bastard son of King Maric himself, half-brother to King Cailan and thus heir to the throne. I am not so naïve as to think that his illegitimate birth will keep him from the throne, not an heir to Calenhad who bears Theirin blood in his veins. Arl Eamon knows this too – it is his plan to put forth Alistair for the throne and thus unite the people behind him. And he will succeed. Alistair is untried and unsure, but he has presence and charm, like King Maric his father. The Landsmeet will approve him and put him on the throne, and I cannot follow him. Alistair insists otherwise, but I know better.
Fergus, is this what a broken heart feels like? It makes no sense to be so upset over it all – there is so little, and yet so much, said between us. I am sure of his intentions, but how can I encourage them when I know there can be no happy ending for us? Maybe before, when I was Amelia Cousland, I could have imagined myself upon the throne. But I am that woman no longer, only Amelia the Grey Warden, a nobody to the Landsmeet despite my former self. Still I do not know if I am strong enough to say no when I care for him the way that I do.
Pray for me, brother, wherever you are. I will need it, as I need you.
Yours,
Amelia
