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Court x
CHAPTER 7
High School, Sophomore Year
What if words hurt as much as stones?
Quinn glared at her grade paper.
C+
She supposed that was an okay grade for maths. Considering she had avoided nearly all type of study for the quiz and had only just figured out how to calculate the square root of something because Kurt had shown her the correct logic, before the actual quiz was taken.
She had gotten an A in her letter so to speak though, because her person had started their response with a smiley face and an I love your words.
They loved her words? God was that supposed to make her melt?
Quinn began to write her response slowly,
I only got a C in my maths test. How is it that I really don't care about that and all I care about is seeing that you've written back to me?
She stared at the letter in front of her and stilled as she read the remaining sentences that her personhad previously written.
I thought about what you wrote the other day, about how you're trying to find who you want to be. I guess I'm the same way. I'm trying so hard to figure out if who I am right now is who I want to remain, or whether as I grow up I'm going to change fifty more million times. I think you should reach for whatever you want. If you want something, go and get it. I live my life by always reaching for the things I want to achieve. Don't let anyone tell you no. No should be a word you turn around and say 'well watch me anyway'.
Quinn glanced at The Cheerio's outside. It had nothing to do with the fact that being in that squad still gave you some power connections in the school politics jungle. It had everything to do with the fact she loved being on that team.
Enough was enough.
She scribbled just a few more sentences of her response before slotting it back in the binder with all the others.
I'm going for what I want. I'm going to demand until they give me what I want. Did I mention that I also want you?
It was hot today. Not the bearable heat in which you sit out in the sun and enjoy it as it bronzed your skin. This was the type of heat that made you feel as though you were walking around in earth's giant sauna and all you wanted was some relief, but there just wasn't any. Quinn marched directly across the field, to where she could see The Cheerio's forming another pyramid. Christ the amount of times they had done this, Quinn would never forget it, even if she tried.
Sue was screaming through the megaphone, "The Zoo called, they want their dancing monkeys back!"
Quinn stopped next to her, just as Brittany rolled from the pyramid and landed on her feet. Quinn smirked, cat by nature that girl.
"What do you want Q?" Sue asked.
Quinn bit her lip, she wondered if she resented the fact that the name everyone called her had been created by the one person some days she wanted to grab the megaphone from and smack her over the head.
"I want my spot back,"
Sue placed the megaphone by her side and immediately turned to her. Her eyebrows narrowed.
"Did I not make my decision clear? You went and got preggers Q, that's immediate dismissal in my book,"
Quinn felt her cheeks flush red, "And then I went and got a miscarriage, that's immediate reinstatement in my book,"
Sue raised her eyebrows, "Well there's the Q I know,"
"Ms Sylvester, this has been my squad since I was old enough to join, you have to put me back on the squad!"
Sue seemed to smirk at her, "I guess this just depends on what Amber has to say, why don't you ask her how she feels about stepping down from your position Q,"
Quinn felt her eyes travel to where The Cheerio's were now stretching.
Amber Stevens had one leg curled inwards and the other half way over her head.
Quinn gritted her teeth, before marching straight towards the group.
As she approached, a lot of the girls seem to brighten.
"Q!" Brittany grinned bounding over to her.
Quinn smiled at her, "Back me up," she whispered.
Quinn could tell Santana was fretting, she knew that this was somehow probably implicating Santana's plan, but she didn't care, she had to do something.
"Amber," she said addressing her, "I see you've looked after my squad well,"
Amber scoffed, rising to her feet; she was at least half a head taller than Q, long brunette hair, shoulders nearly as built as Noah Puckermans.
"What do you mean your?" she asked, crossing her arms, "This is my squad now Fabray,"
Quinn smirked, "Actually you were temporarily minding it for me,"
"What while you were on maternity leave?"
Quinn gritted her teeth as three girls towards the left of the circle snickered. One she remembered was a transfer from another public school in Detroit. The other two had once put glue in Brittany's hair in elementary.
"Oh wait," Amber said again, "That's right you didn't pop it out. Guess it sucks that you're still left with stretch marks and no baby huh?"
Santana lunged forward, Brittany pushing in between two other girls to pull her backwards.
Quinn felt the heat rise in her cheeks, "Worked out well then I guess, otherwise it would have been too late to rescue the squad. I'm sorry how many competitions have we actually won since my absence?"
Amber's eyes narrowed, "How would you even know stretch marks, you've been off and pregnant,"
It was clear that these words were affecting Santana more than Quinn, because she had her seething face on, the face that suggested she was going to rip Amber's head off.
"Shame Amber, how'd you get my captain spot? Someone leave your cage open?"
That sealed the deal.
Amber started for her, but Quinn's fist was already curled by her side. In moments that happened far too quickly to even register anything, Quinn felt Amber curl a fist of her t-shirt into her fingers, ready to impound the crap out of her. Quinn broke free easily though, and that's when it happened. Amber swung, and just as Quinn tried to duck out of her way, someone pushed her out of the firing line and instead got caught in Amber's fury.
Brittany whimpered as cartilage cracked and she staggered to the ground.
"Britts!" Santana yelled, she pushed past the other girls and immediately pulled Brittany into her arms.
Brittany's nose was bleeding; she gripped her nose in agony as her eyes started watering; she tried so hard not to cry.
Santana rounded on Amber, "Te matará estúpida Puta!"
"San," Brittany whimpered, "My nose San,"
"Baby," she whispered, "Shhh its okay,"
"Enough!" Sue was already barking at them to form an orderly line, "Some babies are dropped on their heads, but all of you were clearly thrown at the wall. There are no cat fights in my squad. Ladies get in the showers! Wash the pigs in pens out of you,"
When some of the girls didn't move, she raised the megaphone to her lips and screamed, "NOW!"
Most of the girls jumped and hurried back towards the gym.
"You got in the way Brittany," Amber said eying Quinn, "I didn't mean to hit you,"
"Escucha! Soy de Lima Heights Adjacents y yo tengo orgullo!. Sabes lo que pasa en Lima Heights Adjacents? Cosas Malas! Get out of my face afores I ends you!"
"Sanbags enough with the taco language, get Brittany to the nurse," Sue responded, putting her hands on hips. Clearly she seemed as though today just wasn't working.
Santana in one sweep lifted Brittany clean off the ground, she was holding onto Santana like there was nothing in this world that would protect her more. This was probably true. Quinn was still, she couldn't believe Brittany had taken the hit for her.
"You got out of that well didn't you stretch marks," Amber smirked at Quinn, "Cowards like you are the reason they made the morning pill,"
Quinn saw red, immediately she threw her fist in Amber's face.
"Christ," Amber screamed.
But the damage was done, blood poured from her nose and Quinn yelped as pain shot through her knuckles.
"God is your face made of bricks?"
Sue seethed at them both, grasping Quinn by the ear and reefing her backwards, "ENOUGH" she bellowed, "THAT'S IT. Q you can kiss captaincy goodbye, Amber get out of my sight,"
"But my nose,"
"Put a damn tampon up there guppy!"
"Quinn detention! Afterschool!"
"Ms Sylvester," Quinn began.
"I'll count to three, 1… 2….!"
Quinn immediately trailed the field, half running to catch up with Santana and Brittany.
"I told you to wait," Santana said angrily as she watched the nurse put a little patch over the rim of Brittany's nose, "Why don't you ever just listen to me?"
"San," Quinn pleaded.
"No," she responded, "I've been dealing with Amber, I know how she works, and you don't. I knew she would respond this way, my plan was to get rid of her, few legal laxatives in her protein shakes and she'd be in the bathrooms for the next major practices. Sylvester was going to have no choice to re-instate you,"
Quinn bit her lip, Christ that would have worked.
"Oh but no Quinn, you have to come in all high and mighty and get my girlfriend punched in the face,"
"San," Brittany reasoned half way through sniffing, "It was a sort of accident,"
"I don't care. Quinn Ms Sylvester offered me Captain. But I didn't take it. I didn't take it because I hoped to god our best friend was going to come back after…." She trailed off, knowing that the whole plan had changed and everything had just been left out in the open, like a can of worms no one wanted to deal with.
"But Quinn hit her back" Brittany smiled, as the nurse mopped up the last remains of the blood that had dribbled onto her chin.
"Which is not how you kids are supposed to deal with things,"
Quinn looked to her left to see Mr Schuester standing in the doorway his arms folded across his chest, his 'I'm going to launch into a speech now whether you like it or not,' face clearly evident.
"I cannot believe what happened out there. Honestly girls give Coach Sylvester one reason and she'll run with it for miles. She's raging about how Glee Club is turning everyone violent through the pain of show tunes!"
Santana rolled her eyes, "Mr Schuester calm your vests,"
"No," he said firmly, "and do not speak to me like that either Santana, I'm an adult and you need to respect me. Principal Figgins has called an assembly tomorrow, to discuss violence on school property. Guys it's not on!"
Quinn's shoulders slumped, "Mr Schuester I just saw red,"
"Well maybe you can see sense when you're sitting in detention Quinn," he replied eyeing her.
She hated that look, that look of disappointment.
"Brittany, are you okay?"
Brittany smiled at him, "My nose can take anything, it's like a dolphins, so strong,"
Santana laughed, kissing the top of her head, "I love you," she whispered.
Quinn watched them. She wondered when she would meet that person that would put her first. That even when things were just a graze or a cut, that person would make out as though the whole world was ending. Because the person they loved most had been hurt.
Where was her person?
Quinn had only ever been on detention once. She was a freshman, and she hadn't done her assignment because she had been making pop tarts with Santana and Brittany. When she tried to explain this to her teacher they had thought she was actually calling them a pop tart. Needless to say she spent the whole time staring at the back wall counting all the ink stains marked across it.
Now she sat at the desk by the window, feeling her skin burn because Puck also had detention. And he was sitting next to her.
There had been silence for ten minutes, and it was making her skin crawl, she didn't know how to handle it properly.
"Why won't you just talk to me?" he asked finally.
Quinn closed her eyes, because it's too hard, because you'd never understand what I'm feeling.
"I'm not ready,"
He sat back in the chair, annoyed.
"Quinn I'm not going to bite your head off, it was my baby too,"
She stared at him, "It was never our baby," she said, "I decided I was too young to raise a child. Look at us! We're sitting in detention in high school Puck, you think we were old enough for a child?"
He raised his eyebrows, "We were old enough to think drunken sex was a good idea,"
God there were so many things she could say back in response to that. It was such a blasé comment to make in the first place. But she was exhausted.
"Whose healing you Q?" he asked suddenly.
She frowned at him, knotting her hands together in her lap, pretending it was her persons hand and they were beside her, making her feel safe, making her come first.
"Whose what?"
"It's not just Ms Pillsbury that's made you come this far, there's bits of Quinn Fabray that I can see coming back,"
"You don't know who Quinn Fabray is!" she snapped and he retreated almost immediately.
After a moment, he pushed on, "There has to be someone, who is it? Tell me?"
"Someone who is what Puck? You're not making any sense,"
"Someone who is making your heart grow back!" he answered brushing his hands across his face.
He was showing emotion. Puck never did that.
"It's no one," she lied, "You wouldn't understand,"
"Try me,"
Quinn stared at him for a moment. Stared at his jawline, at his light hazel eyes, his rugged mohawk that had been that way since the start of high school.
"I write to someone," she said finally and he frowned at her.
"Like a pen pal?"
Quinn bit her lip, it sounded so stupid when said like that.
"I guess,"
"Do you even know who this person is?"
"No," Quinn responded glaring at him, how would he know?
"Well then how can they know you Quinn?"
"Because I show them who I really am," she responded.
Puck didn't respond, he didn't know how to. Just like always, they sat side by side, in silence, not knowing the words to say to each other.
Have you ever had that one place that was like your hide away? That one place that you kept going back to, because it held so much value to you? It reminded you of moments in your life when you felt okay and you kept returning there to feel those feelings again.
Quinn stood at the train station. One subway in all of Ohio that mostly just ran workmen to Cincinnati and Detroit. Above the platform burns a red neon signpost.
"Hurt? Call 1-800 Victim".
Quinn was wondering if she qualified. Her chest ached. It felt like someone had been pushing on her sternum from the inside, trying to get out. Does that make her a victim too?
"Why are you in my chest?" She said loudly into the night.
"Whose in your chest Q?"
Quinn jumped so violently, she nearly slipped into the side of the railing. Through the dim lights of the platform, she saw Finn emerge from the shadows.
"Jesus," she said "You gave me a goddamn heart attack,"
"What the hell are you doing?" he demanded, "Its ten o clock of a night Quinn,"
She folded her arms, "I could ask you the same thing,"
He glared at her as though she had gone insane, "And I'm a six foot quarterback,"
Quinn pursed her lips, not wanting to make a comment about how blatantly sexist that was, or the fact it was probably the truth.
"I just come here to think Finn, like when…"
"We use to come here and watch people hop on and off the train," he finished.
She looked at him, looked at the boy she had grown up with, her first kiss, her first boyfriend, her first everything. How can you think you know someone so well, and not know them at all?
"Does Rachel know you're here?"
Finn shrugged, "We don't talk about stuff like this, about things we think about,"
Quinn scoffed, "You'd never be able to get a word in with her; she would always be talking about herself,"
His eyes narrowed, "You don't know her Quinn, you don't know her at all,"
"And you do?"
"No," he said, his shoulders slumping, "Not in the way I should by now,"
There was sadness in his voice, as though he had given everything to someone who just couldn't return it. God she knew how that felt.
Right now she felt invisible, like she was in transit, as though she was transient and could be easily lost in the high yellow marsh grass that lined the train tracks before her. Maybe she could just ride trains the rest of her life; she could get on and off all at the same stops. Nothing would change. She would be young forever.
Finn was staring at her.
"What?"
"You're heads still in the stars Quinn,"
She sighed exasperated, why does everyone always tell her things she already knows?
"Sit with me?" he asked.
And she followed him like a lost little lamb following her ginormous shepard. Finn stretched himself on the small bench just underneath the platform sign. He offered his varsity jacket to her, but Quinn shook her head.
"Do you remember when we would come here. Back when we were freshmen?"
Quinn smirked slightly; they'd been coming here longer than that, god she could remember all the way back to middle school. Thirteen and she thought that just because Finn had kissed her behind the bleachers, he was her boyfriend. By fourteen they were already going 'steady'.
"You'd talk about football, I'd talk about the cheerio's and that's just about the extent of our conversation,"
He laughed, "And then we'd just make out,"
Quinn looked to him, "Did you regret anything that we had?"
Finn shrugged, "Did we really have anything?"
"I'm sorry Finn," she whispered.
He had one of his lopsided smiles on his face, one of those looks that suggested he was confused but understood all at the same time.
"It's okay," he shrugged, "I guess this is growing up huh?"
God it felt like more than that, it felt like she was sixteen turning thirty with all the years in between missing and no idea how she had ended up where she was right now.
"Do you think we're ready for the end of high school?"
Finn laughed, "God Q that isn't for another year or so, relax"
"How can I? How can I when there's so much to think about, like getting out of here, getting out of Ohio,"
Her mind was doing it again. Where it would fold over and wage a war of communications between her heart that would consist of buzzes and clicks and lyrics to out-dated pop songs because nothing was actually making any sense.
"Quinn I think maybe you should just focus on you right now, and not worry about the end of high school."
She knew he was referring to the miscarriage. When was anyone going to let her be at peace with that? Why did everything she stressed about have to revert back to that event in her life? It had happened. There was nothing she could do about it now.
There was silence for a while. Silence had always been their favourite thing to do, because most of the time words had always failed them. She wanted her person; she wanted her person so badly she had to curl her fist into a ball beside her thigh to stop herself from punching something. Why was she so scared to ask? Was it this unrelenting fear of not meeting their expectations?
Hi, I'm Quinn Fabray, I fell pregnant, then lost a baby that was never going to be mine, and now I'm on a train heading for I don't even know where, but come sit with me I'm sure my head will always be in the stars anyway, so you could never actually reach me…
Real inviting.
"You have someone in your heart right now don't you?" he asked suddenly and Quinn felt her body react at such a random question; she nearly slid backwards off the seat.
"Did you just say that?" she asked.
Finn was a guy. But not just a guy. He was a guy's guy. He liked football and he wore clothes that never matched and he always ate far too much. But then he knew how to sing a high note to one of broadways oldest numbers. It confused Quinn; she didn't know who he was trying to be. This question was definitely something he had sat here thinking about whether or not to ask.
"Is it Puck?" he asked.
Quinn glared at him, "What makes you think that I have someone trapped in my heart Finn?"
"The look on your face, it's the same look I wish Rachel would give me,"
Quinn felt herself slump, god he seemed so heartbroken, she didn't exactly know what to do with him. Was it strange that she didn't mind sitting here talking about his relationship woes, as though it just didn't matter anymore.
"You don't think she's in love with you?"
Finn shook her head, "She's in love with someone else Q, and don't tell me otherwise, because I know it. I know it in here,"
He placed one of those huge hands to his chest, he looked like this fairy tale giant, pressing his hands to his chest because his heart had been battered and there wasn't a band aid big enough to heal it.
"Finn maybe she just…"
"She's somewhere else," he shrugged.
Quinn bit her lip; she knew that feeling all too well.
"It's not Puck," she said quietly and he glanced sideways at her.
"Who is it?"
Quinn answered him, with the most honest thing she had said to Finn Hudson in her entire life, "I don't know,"
What constitutes as pain? Physical pain, words that hurt, pain from loving too much? People live their lives knowing that violence against others is wrong, but most of the time people forget how much words hurt as well.
"What is Principal Figgins going to talk about?" Brittany asked as she, Quinn and Santana walked through the hordes of people, towards maths.
Quinn shrugged, "I don't know, the wrong doings of violence?"
Santana snorted, "Rachel's giving a speech, I think this will be interesting,"
"San," Brittany said softly, "Cut her a break; she was up all night writing it,"
Santana looked at her and frowned, "How would you know she was up all night…?"
"Oh because we Skype," Brittany smiled.
Santana went to open her mouth but not before a crash sounded out through the hallways causing the three of them to jump.
Azimio Adams had decided who his victim today would be.
Artie.
"You know normally I have a moral code. But considering you and your pathetic show choir team has got me attending an anti-violence lecture instead of football practise, I'm going to do the opposite. How bout I show you what it's really like to be a cripple!"
"Jesus," Santana muttered.
Quinn's jaw hit the ground as Azimio ripped Artie clean out of his chair and threw him against the lockers.
"Get Mr Schuester!" Quinn yelled at a junior, "Now!" she said as she hurried towards Artie.
"Stop the violence!" Brittany said attempting to push Azimio off Artie.
"Britts," Santana reeled, "Don't…" she pulled her backwards.
Quinn didn't know what they could do, god Azimio was so overpowering, this wasn't fair, this wasn't right either.
Artie was shielding his head with his arms, trying to form himself into a foetal position, but his legs wouldn't bend, so he was sprawled across the ground, defenceless. Azimio raised his fists.
"This is not happening," Santana said angrily and using strength that Quinn didn't even know she had, she whipped the wheelchair from the ground and she threw it clear into Azimio's side. He felt the blow of the wheels and reared on her angrily.
Brittany grabbed Santana almost immediately, and Quinn did the only thing she had left, she stood in between them and Azimio.
"GET INTO THE AUDITORIUM!"
Mr Schuester had rounded the corner, his eyes were like fire, and Quinn had never seen him angrier, "SO HELP ME GOD, EVERY STUDENT GET INTO THE AUDITORIUM OR YOU WILL EACH BE EXPELLED!"
"Mr Schuester," Quinn had started.
"Quinn get in the AUDITORIUM!" he replied angrily and he knelt down beside Artie, stroking the top of his head, "Artz its okay, its okay now,"
Quinn felt helpless as she was dragged by Santana forwards, "Move Q," Santana said softly, "Just move,"
Quinn had never been to an assembly where there was complete silence. She had never sat in the gym stands, and not heard whispers of words from students to other students.
Have you done the biology homework? What are we doing after school? Hey did you hear about that open house party this weekend?
This assembly was different. It was eerie, like everyone literally had no words to whisper. All their attention was focused on their pint sized principal as he stood at the microphone in the centre of the auditorium.
"Students," he said, and his voice seemed to echo right across the opened space. "Over the past few days it has come to my attention that unacceptable behaviour has erupted on our school property. Within these gates, this behaviour is not tolerated. Now while most of you sit here and think that your teachers seem ancient and irrelevant to you, one day you are going to look back and know that everything we did, was only in the best interest of you and your education," he paused a moment to look out into the seats filled with students, "This school will not and does not tolerate any form of bullying, I want to make that extremely clear. Students I have Miss Berry who will be saying a few words,"
Quinn watched as Rachel, got up from where she had been sitting in the front row. Rachel wasn't new to making school assembly speeches. She was always up there talking about fundraisers, but this was different, no one snickered, no one said anything nasty within ear shot. Everyone was just solely and completely quiet.
"I know most of you are thinking why I am even speaking right now. But I just wanted to remind you that every Tuesday afternoon Ms Pillsbury runs an afterschool class on learning to cope with bullying. It's not specifically for victims, but also for people who want to change their ways," Rachel took a deep breath.
"These are hard times for us, we're trying to deal with everything around us and still somehow people expect us to know who we are. But we shouldn't be against each other. Bullying has the potential to leave long lasting effects on victims and their families. It leaves scars that are sometimes too deep to heal,"
Quinn stared at her, why was she so right all the time?
"I'm not standing here for any reason other than to enlighten you. You are more than welcome to come and talk to people who are going through similar situations to you. If you feel scared or lost, maybe you might want to talk about it,"
But what happens if you don't want to talk? Does someone force the words from you? Or do you wait until they explode over the sides of your built up barricades.
Quinn craned her neck to see Rachel sit back down. Finn was right. Usually she had her arm around him, she was linked with him. As Rachel had sat down next to him, she had left a space between them. Her hands were knotted in her lap. Was this even possible? Rachel was holding her own hand? But she had Finn's hand she could reach for?
Maybe this is what Kurt had meant; maybe Rachel was as lost as what Quinn felt.
