~Wednesday 11:37pm~
I couldn't reconcile the pleasure I felt while doing it with the shame and confusion I felt afterwards. I didn't understand how something that felt so natural and made me feel so free also made me hate myself. I'd spent every free moment after Cheerio's practice trying my hardest to figure out what exactly it meant to have these feelings.
I'd done what I figured was the hard part. I'd thrown away the video and the photos. Why was breaking this habit so hard? There had to be some way I could get past it. This couldn't be my life. I was strong. I wasn't this girl who touched herself in the middle of the night while thinking about another girl.
Santana's plan to hang out lingered over my head for days. I wanted to spend time with Rachel, hold her in my arms. I wanted to feel her lips pressed against mine. Just once more. One more time and I could quit. I needed to get it out of my system. I needed to get her out of my system. Rachel made me weak. She was like a magnet. I couldn't pull away, couldn't run in the opposite direction no matter how hard I tried.
I didn't understand why this was happening to me. I didn't know what it was that was making me feel this way. Nature? How could it be? I'd been a good Christian girl. How could God abandon me at a time like this? How could he place her in my path but not give me the strength I needed to fight her off. Why was he punishing me? Did he want me to fail?
I lifted my cell phone off the night stand and looked at her message one last time. Quinn. Don't be afraid to open up to me. Thinking of you. Rachel.
How could she do this to me? How could these thirteen words send my heart aflutter? How could she send me a text, a few lines before bedtime, and have them send me into a tailspin. I'd been fighting the urge for days now. It had been almost a week since I'd thought about her in that way. I let my mind wander in school, during my Cheerio's laps, on the drive home. But here in my room, in the middle of the night, I fought it. I knew it would only lead to the urge to close my eyes and picture her beside me. That longing for her wasn't healthy. It wasn't normal. It overtook me and caused my itch to burn so badly I had to resort to self gratification to subdue it for the night. Rachel's text message had unleashed a wild animal inside me that couldn't be contained by simple will power.
I went over my ideas one more time trying to perfect the circumstances that would allow Rachel to be mine. Just once. One night and I could fuel my memories to fight the itch for a lifetime. It would only be this one time. Just once.
I typed a response to Rachel's text. It was two and a half hours late but it was something. Something that would soften her up for our time together.
I want to talk to you but I'm afraid. I can't envision any scenario where this ends good for me.
I hit send and closed my eyes. The burning in my brain had died down and I was going to have to get some sleep. I couldn't stay up all night exhausting myself every night. This had to end. I didn't care how I felt about her, I had to put this whole thing with Rachel to bed. I lay still for what felt like hours before my cell phone beeped with another text message. It was from Rachel, she was still awake.
This isn't easy for me either. I don't know what to do. I'm confused and just as afraid. Why don't you talk to me?
My heart panged in my chest. Did she feel it too? Was I not alone in this? Was Santana right? Did she know the truth? I couldn't answer her, not again. I didn't know what to say. I wanted her but somehow saying the words out loud made it all too real. I couldn't think about this. I climbed out of bed booted my laptop and started a CD in the disc drive. I shoved on my wireless headphones and let the slow sounds of The Eagles Greatest Hits drown away my pain.
~Thursday 8:57am School~
Rachel hadn't tried to text me back last night but this morning at school she was waiting for me at my locker. Seeing her there after first period, her books clutched tightly to her chest, her face all business made my heart skip a beat. What did she want?
"I don't have time for this. I don't have time for you." I said trying to push her away.
She leaned into me and whispered. "Make time. After school. I can't wait until Saturday to speak to you. It's killing me."
I wanted to fight her off, keep her at bay. I wasn't strong enough. I was weak, her words were like the world's most beautiful music to me. I couldn't imagine having her call me to see her and me being strong enough to stay away. Still stubbornly I fought her.
"There's nothing to talk about Rachel."
She reached out to me and rested a hand on my hip. Her fingers caressed my belly lightly and despite the fact that we were standing in the middle of the hallway I couldn't bring myself to swat her hand away. Nobody could see anyway, her body blocked any line of sight.
"There's plenty to talk about."
"Fine. Come to my house tonight. We'll talk." I told her.
"Your parents?" She asked. She'd heard the many horror stories about my father and had no intention of meeting him. I didn't blame her. I wanted to forget him myself most days.
"We'll talk in your car."
"Rachel, there you are." I heard somebody call from down the hall. Finn freaking Hudson. God was he such a needy baby. Rachel sighed.
"How can you stand him?"
She simply shook her head. "What am I supposed to do? He's the most popular boy in school. I fought to get him for two years and now he's mine and suddenly I." She let the sentence trail off.
"You what?" I asked her. "Don't want him anymore."
She shrugged. "I'm confused."
"Hey Quinn, what you guys up to?" Finn asked as he stepped up.
I wanted to punch him. I wanted to kick him in the balls so they couldn't have sex. Were they having sex? I wanted to stomp on his hands so he wouldn't be able to touch her anymore. I was sure me and her couldn't be together. Not forever. But I didn't want her to be with him. I hated him.
I put on my best fake smile. "Rachel was just telling me how much she loved you," I said. If he only knew the truth about how much she loved him. Not very much apparently. I wanted to throw it in his big stupid face.
"So are you guys friends now,?" he asked.
Punk. "I feel the same way about Rachel today as I've always felt." I said not bothering to hide the indignation in my voice. Nosy bastard.
He didn't know how to take the comment and I used that as an opportunity to ignore him. "And you," I said turning my attention to her. "You stop bugging me with every little thing. I can't help you."
Her lips curled into a knowing smile before she collected herself. "I hate you too. Don't worry I don't think there's anything else to say." She turned from me so abruptly that I wondered if she were serious or not. She looked over at Finn and extended her arm to him. "Shall we?" She asked.
He took her arm in his own with a smile and they walked off down the hallway. I felt a twinge of jealousy as I watched them go. I wanted to hold her hand in the hallway. Instead that pudgy idiot Finn gets to do it. I had to wipe that dumb smile off his face.
I walked to Biology and found Santana and Brittany whispering back and forth. Brittany was smiling playfully at her secret playmate. They looked as close as ever. Santana was clearly out of the dog house after I'd spoken with Brittany, they were back to normal. As I stepped into the room the girl who shared our table, Nerdy No Name, was watching them out of the corner of her eye.
I swiped her books onto the floor as I walked past. "Know your place four eyes." I told her. The girl was making a cardinal McKinley High mistake. She was involving herself in Cheerio business. Even if the business involved a secret relationship between two Cheerio's it was still none of this girl's business.
Santana pulled away from Brittany's shoulder and glared at the girl suddenly aware that she had been being watched. "You know what they say about people with big eyes don't you nerd?"
"People like me stick pencil's in them." I said. I wasn't sure what Santana was going to say but my comment brought a smile to her face.
"What happened to all the number one pencil's?" Brittany asked completely out of the blue. "All of the pencils you see now are number two pencils. What happened to the number one pencils?"
Santana smiled, clearly amused by the pointless question, still she answered right away. "That's a good question. We should check on the internet."
It wasn't until this very moment that I realized what Brittany's idiotic comments were about. Distraction. Whenever things got too weird or tense she broke the ice with her phony idiot act. It was brilliant, a perfect distraction especially at a time like this.
"It's about the graphite." Nerdy No Name said as she gathered her books on the floor. "The darkness."
"I'm going to darken your eyes if you don't mind your own business." Santana told her. I couldn't help but smile. A glance at Brittany revealed even she'd found the comment funny.
"Is everything clear enough for you Four eyes?" I asked her.
"Crystal." She said.
"Good." I responded.
"No, my name is Crystal." She said as she stacked her books back onto the table.
This girl was ballsy. If she weren't so damn nosy I'd be impressed. "I don't remember asking what your name was, mostly because I know I don't care what it is. You just sit there and mind your own business and if you're lucky the three of us won't decide to make your life a living hell. You'll continue on in blissful oblivion."
Crystal nodded. "Fine."
Santana continued to glare at the girl before turning her attention to me. "So I'm gonna score us some liquor for this weekend. I'm gonna ask Puckerman to buy it for us so we'll have to scrape together a few bucks."
That wasn't a good idea. Puck was a meathead jock but he didn't strike me as being dumb. Especially when it came to partying. "I asked him last weekend. He'll figure it out if we ask him two weeks in a row. He already asked me where the party was the last time."
Santana rolled her eyes. "He isn't gonna figure it out. He's Puck. His brain doesn't work that well. Besides the boys have a basketball game on Saturday. Puck, Finn, Chang, they'll all be gone, road game. It won't even be an issue."
I must have made a face because Santana smirked. "Don't worry. It's in the bag Fabray. You're golden. Believe me I know."
I didn't take most of what Santana said seriously. She was a notorious exaggerator. Her comments couldn't be trusted to be accurate or truthful. Still I had the feeling she was being relatively honest with me about this. If she said it was in the bag then it had to be. She'd been extremely honest about this whole Rachel thing. She was on my side. Couldn't hurt to believe her, just this once.
"I'm fine, I'm not worried. I've got everything under control." I lied. It was the furthest thing from the truth.
~Wednesday 6:28pm Fabray Driveway~
I slammed the car door closed and did my best to seem nonchalant. Rachel was again wearing her yoga pants and I was suddenly happy we were both sitting down. Those damn yoga pants were just too sexy to ignore. She was doing this on purpose teasing me I bet.
"So," I asked. She'd pressed for this meeting so I was going to let her take the lead. "What's up?"
"Quinn do you have feelings for me?"
It was the absolute last question I expected her to ask me. Do I have feelings for her? Why would she ask me that just out of the blue? Didn't she have an ounce of shame or embarrassment? Why would she put herself on display? I thought she said she was confused. That didn't sound like the question of a confused girl.
"What do you mean?" I asked. It was a dumb question. It was self explanatory.
"Do you have feelings for me? You kissed me the other day, did it mean anything to you?" There was a slight hitch in her voice. The bigger question was did she have feelings for me? Was it possible I'd been driving myself crazy this whole time when she was into it.
"Do I have feelings for you? Is that what this little emergency meeting was about?" I asked. I could tell the tone of my voice was light hearted but she clearly didn't take it that way. She looked almost distressed.
"Quinn are you going to be serious? How do you feel about me?"
This wasn't a part of my plan. When I kissed Rachel it was something that just happened. Thinking about it only messed things up. I was going to get her alone, maybe give her a few drinks then I was going to kiss her. If she was receptive I was going to push the envelope as far as she'd let me. I don't know if I'd have let it go as far as sex but I was going to do my best to get pretty damn close. This weekend would be it. The feather in my cap. The finish line.
"I don't know how I feel. That's the whole point Rachel."
"You have to feel something. Tell me what you do know."
"Confusion. Anger."
She shook her head. "That's all, nothing else. You're making this harder than it has to be. Tell me the truth. How do you feel?"
"Rachel I thought we were talking about this on Saturday. Why are you in such a rush?" I asked her. Another stupid question. I was stalling. Stalling until I came up with a lie reasonable enough to explain everything. I was still drawing a blank.
"What's the difference between today and Saturday. If you have feelings for me what difference does it make what day of the week it is?"
"What are you in such a rush for? Why is it so important that we have this conversation now? What happened to us hanging out? It's complicated. You said that yourself. I'm not exactly sure what's going on, and not to mention you have Finn."
"This isn't about Finn. It's about me and you. And if you can't even tell me that you have feelings for me how do you expect me to feel about hanging out with you. Alone. At Santana's house. How is that supposed to work? Just exactly what is your plan this time Quinn? Get me drunk and make out with me. Again."
My stomach turned to stone. Again. She just said again. She remembered last weekend's make out session. If she remembered how come she hadn't said anything?
"Rachel." I started to say. If she gave me half a chance I could explain that away.
"Don't Rachel me. I know what happened that night. I was a little drunk not blotz out of my mind. I remember you tricking me into kissing you. You would only do that if you felt something for me. Then the other day you kissed me again. You had to feel me kiss you back. Talk to me. I know you feel something for me but you won't allow yourself to admit it. Tell me what it is you feel."
I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. How could she know what I'd done but still be around me? How could she face me knowing I'd tried to take advantage of her?
"Rachel I'm sorry about that. I was drinking myself."
She scoffed. "You were not drinking. I didn't see you drink one thing. You got me over to your house so you could get me drunk. You planned the whole thing, we both know it and I want you to admit it."
The shame of what I had done was too much. "I don't know what your talking about." It was all I could say to lessen the shame. How could I face her after what I'd done? I couldn't. "Rachel I have to go back inside."
"Quinn." She began to plead.
"I'm sorry. I have to go."
"Talk to me. Tell me and we can talk about it. We can get passed this. I swear. We can move forward but you just have to talk to me."
"I'll see you at school." I told her.
She nodded without looking at me. "Fine. Just keep running away. That's worked out great for you so far. Just don't expect me to keep playing this little game with you. There's a boy across town totally obsessed with me. The last thing I need is somebody in my life who treats me as badly as you do anyway."
The words cut me open like a razor blade. She was mad at me. Angry and hurt by my lying and refusal. And she didn't like the way I treated her. I was horrible to her, not only horrible, apparently not worth the hassle. I swallowed hard and bit back a stray tear that threatened to escape my eye.
"Who cares what you want anyway Man Hands!" I said before climbing out of the car and slamming the door.
I stormed into the house and into my room where I spent the next few hours in a state of frustration and heartbreak. She'd given me the perfect opening and I'd screwed it all up. She'd practically begged me to tell her the truth. Not only that but from what she'd said she'd have been okay with it. At least on some level. Knowing that, I'd still pushed her away. Lied and ran. What was wrong with me? How could she be so willing to accept me and I was totally screwed up in the head. Even Santana had been totally cool with my feelings for Rachel. She hadn't blinked when she found out and she was the biggest bitch I knew. Was it possible the only person who truly has a problem with this is me? Is it possible I wasn't broken after all?
So I'm thinking one more chapter after this. Maybe two. This has been a weird experience for me. Like I said it's brought up a lot of questions in my head that has made writing it very strange. It was supposed to be a lot more intense, a lot more deep, soul searching, and angsty. Unfortunately for you all I'm a big coward and didn't want to deal with the internal mental drama of writing it that way. So sorry, but either way I hope you enjoy it. It has been fun. And even though some of the stuff Quinn does is sort of borderline criminal, maybe seeing why she does it lessons the creepiness of it a little. Maybe? ~Empty Pen~
