- Not to sound repetitive, but thanks so much to everyone who reviewed on the last part, you are all amazing!
- The song used is the unreleased song by the Dave Matthews Band, entitled 'Light Lift Me Up'.
-This will be the second to last installment of this series, I've thought about it and decided to finish it up with a short little Epilogue, so hopefully that'll be out soon.
- Disclaimer: I own Luke. I don't own any of the 'Friends' characters.
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Honestly For You:
Light Lift Me Up
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oh searching tired of love grown up
now it all falls out
oh often dream of a magic prince
come and swoop you up swoop you up
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The cool, early morning Manhattan air surrounded her like a blanket as she walked slowly down the long city blocks. Her mind was going at a mile a minute, and every once and a while she was able to coherently find her way through her tangled thoughts. She couldn't feel anything in the beginning, and now she found herself in a place where she wouldn't allow herself to feel.
Their son was the accumulation of everything she'd ever dreamt about, and now that he was here her conflicting guilt and love fought frivolously until she was left surrounded by a monotonous blur. At first everything was so surreal, the reality that she was a mother, that she had a son. But, as the weeks went on and Luke remained in the hospital everything slowly began to sink in.
Although she'd never admit it aloud, she regretfully found herself holding something back from her relationship with her son. Her anxieties prevented her from being as close to him as she should, because she feared the repercussions of falling so in love with her little boy and then loosing him. The situation was too much of a risk, it was still too uncertain, and while she wanted nothing more than to bond with her son she found herself slowly retreating.
Chandler, on the other hand, had surpassed any expectations she'd previously had. If he wasn't working he was at the hospital, and if he wasn't at the hospital he was working on the nursery or finishing baby-proofing the apartment. He called the hospital every night before he went to bed, and he'd call again as soon as he woke up. He wasn't merely a father, but rather a Daddy.
She wasn't sure if he noticed her apprehension, or if it was just so blatant to her because she was taking such strides to conceal it. She envied Chandler, the way he bonded with Luke, the way the little boy would eye him as soon as he hovered over him. Chandler's relationship, and the way he was able to open up and bond with their son was something she wanted, but wouldn't allow herself to attain.
Finally she reached the doors of the hospital, and her train of thought halted momentarily. She mechanically found her way to the elevator, riding it up to the fifth floor before making her way down to the NICU. She slipped into a paper thing yellow hospital gown before entering to see Chandler sitting in a deep brown rocking chair in the corner holding little Luke gently.
She approached them slowly, hesitantly. Stopping a few feet away she heard Chandler gently whispering to their son as he always did.
"How's your day been, pal?" Luke squirmed in his arms. He'd grown considerably in the passing weeks, now holding out at just under five pounds. He still needed some oxygen from time to time, but for the most part he was able to breath on his own. "That good, huh?" He laughed as Luke blinked slowly, revealing his deep, dark blue eyes as Chandler fixed the various wires so that he could hold him up a little higher.
He watched his son in admiration, unaware of the audience Monica provided. At first he was scared of the dependency he'd placed upon Luke. Since first glance his son had monopolized his thoughts and affected anything and everything he'd done. But, every time he looked at his son he could do nothing besides fall deeper in love with him. He was the tangible accumulation of he and Monica's love, and the fact that he was so beautiful, and so perfect made him the ideal personification of their feelings for each other. Each time he looked at his son he found it harder and harder to remember his life without him, and each time he found himself trying to remember less and less. He didn't want to remember life before his son, he didn't want to remember the fighting, the uncertainty and the turmoil, for he'd grown accustomed to the new tranquility Luke's presence had brought. He finally had a family, and he would have never imagined it would have felt as remarkable as it did.
"Well bubby," He smiled at the nickname he'd given his son. "I had a long day. But in a few weeks when you come home I'm gonna take a little while off, what do you think of that, huh? We can just pal around." He laughed happily as he removed Luke's little hat to reveal his head-full of baby fine dark brown locks. "You're hair is growing." He laughed quietly as Luke smacked his lips and Chandler wrapped the blanket around him a little tighter. Chandler glanced around slowly, catching a glimpse of who he thought was Monica standing just behind him. "Mon?" He turned his head slowly, acknowledging her.
"Hey." She crossed her arms across her chest and slowly approached her husband and son. She laughed to herself – she had a husband and a son, she had a family.
"How long have you been here?" He asked quizzically as stood slowly, expecting her to take his seat so that she could hold Luke.
"Not long." She shook her head and stood next to him as she looked down upon her son.
"Hey Luke, look who's here." Chandler smiled, "It's mommy." Monica smiled uncomfortably at the word, still needing to grow accustomed to the fact that she was a mother. "Honey, sit down so you can hold him." Chandler gently advised.
"Oh, no, I'd rather stand." She looked nonchalantly around the NICU, noticing all the adoring mothers holding tightly to their premature infants. Guilt overcame her as she now, more than ever, felt the repercussions of the distance she'd formed between her and her son. He was going to be okay, or at least it appeared that way, and she now found herself trying to cling to anything which would connect her to her baby boy.
Chandler watched as she took a deep breath, closing her eyes as she started to cry softly.
"Monica, sweetie, are you okay? He's going to be alright," He paused, seeing no change in Monica's behavior. "Honey, did you hear me? I talked to the doctor, he's doing so much better, and he's gaining weight. As soon as he reaches five pounds we'll be able to take him home-"
"I love him." She spoke through her tears.
"What? Monica, what's going on?" He turned around and gently placed Luke down, and as he turned back around he found that he was alone, and Monica was gone.
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oh light please, come lift me up
oh sweet light come lift me up
when you go down, remember your steps as a baby
remembering how you walked
remembering all the sweetest dreamin' you did
while you tick-tock alone
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"Chandler." Joey walked out of his apartment to find Chandler slowly making his way around the corner towards his and Monica's apartment.
"Hi." He said gruffly, annoyed by the fact that Monica had obviously been withholding something from him when she'd made it clear that she was no longer going to do so.
"What's wrong? Is it Luke? I thought you said that they said he was going to be okay. He's okay, isn't he?" Joey jumped to the obvious problem, and Chandler shook his head, running his hands back through his hair.
"Luke's great. He's going to be fine." Chandler nodded.
"Oh, good. So then what is it?" Joey placed his hands in his pockets, giving Chandler all his attention.
"I don't know." He paused, letting out a deep sigh. "Or, I think I may know."
After Monica had left he'd sat with Luke, going over the past few weeks of his son's life and noticing one thing through it all, and that was Monica's apprehensive distance. He thought, no he knew, that he chose to ignore her distance apathetically seeing her reasons, but now, as time continued to go on he felt somewhat to blame for not helping her through her anxieties.
"What? Do you wanna talk about it?" Joey asked.
"Ah, no, that's okay." He paused. "You're going out anyway."
"No big deal. C'mon in." Joey overrode Chandler's decision, sensing that he needed to vent.
Chandler followed Joey into the apartment, where he fell back into the deep black leather of Joey's lay-z-boy while Joey sat himself down on one of the bar stools.
"What's up, man?" Joey prompted the conversation.
"I saw it, or, I kinda saw it, but I just thought she was being 'cautious-Monica'." Chandler muttered, running his hands over his face.
"Saw what? Chandler, what happened?"
"I know that she loves Luke, she's his mother, and he's such an amazing little baby. There's no way she couldn't love him." He spoke slowly, gazing aimlessly over Joey's shoulder. "She's scared, I think. Scared to love him and then loose him." He paused, releasing a defeated sigh. "Whenever I saw something, or thought maybe she was having doubts I pushed it aside. But now, what do I do now? How do I talk to her about it without making her feel guilty – and I'm sure she already feels guilty. She broke down today, muttered something about how much she loved him and then before I knew it she was gone."
"Oh." Joey found himself at a loss for words, not knowing what to and what not to say.
"And, I know that Monica's been waiting to have children for forever, and I don't want to make it seem like she's being a horrible mother, because she's not."
"Is she home?" Joey cleared his throat as Chandler playing with his shirt.
"I think so." He shrugged.
"Then just go over and see where it goes. You guys will work through it, Chandler, you always do." Chandler laughed ironically as he got up from the chair and headed to the door.
"Yeah, that's what's starting to scare me." He mumbled as he left the apartment and headed into his own.
The fact that there was always something, that they cleared one obstacle only to be stuck behind another was beginning to get a little monotonous. He wished, no, he wanted, to finally be in a place of tranquility for as long as humanly possible, and while he'd tackled so many issues in his three year stand with Monica, this was the topic he'd rather avoid, but he was well aware of the fact that this was the one that he could not.
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and now all gone, there's nothin' left
but your dream I wrote in a song
just like the bent back of an old woman
you know it's all gone and severed alone
and so I rhyme
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"Monica?" He called softly as he entered the apartment, seeing no sign of her. He stood just inside the apartment and looked around slowly before noticing that the door to the nursery, which had once been the guest room, and before that Rachel's room, was open slightly a there was a slender ray of light peeking out of the door. "Honey?" He opened the door to find her sitting in the gliding rocker in the corner, her eyes red and her cheeks stained from tears.
"How is he?" She asked softly, looking away.
"Luke? He's doing well." Chandler walked farther into the room.
"I'm so sorry." Monica brought her hands to her face before sobbing.
"Oh, Mon." He immediately softened and walked over to her, bending down before her and taking her into his arms.
"I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't want to, I know I shouldn't…" She spoke quickly through her tears.
"Monica-"
"No, Chandler, what's wrong with me?" Her tears stopped momentarily. "I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember, and now I'm holding back from my son. I go in there everyday and see these parents in adoration of their children. They sit there so happy that their children are there, they're just happy to have whatever time that they can get with them, but I'm not satisfied with that. I won't let myself connect with Luke because he's there. I don't want the now, I want a future, and because that was uncertain I with held myself from my son. I kept myself away." She admitted out loud, and upon hearing it with her own ears she felt as though she was 100 times worse than she'd originally perceived herself as.
"Monica, you're scared, there's nothing wrong with being scared." Chandler attempted, seeing how upset everything was making her, and realizing that he couldn't resent her for anything.
"But taking it out on Luke? If something had happened, or if something does, he should have at least known a mother for what little time had." She allowed Chandler to embrace her.
"I know how you feel Monica, and you're doing this because you love him so much. You love him more than you know how to handle, and you're scared of loosing him. Hell, I'm scared too." He regretfully began to cry. "I was going to run in the other direction, but Monica, him and you, you and him, you're all that I have. You're my entire family, the day he was born, the day we were married, it all comes together to form who I am, and I couldn't run because I'm scared of being alone. It's been me for so long that I've clung to him unlike anything else. He's my chance at normalcy. He's my chance at a family."
Monica said nothing, her eyes filled with tears, matching the tears held by Chandler's eyes. They'd been through so much, but finally she was able to find some trace of the old him she'd fallen in love with as well as the new him which she loved unconditionally. The way he was with their son, the way he was so delicate with her, and the way he was always so intent on setting things right between them made her suddenly feel at ease.
"I've missed out on the first few weeks of his life, and I just don't know if it's fair to run to him now and hope everything can be okay." She spoke her fears.
"You're his mommy." Chandler laughed, wiping the tears from her cheeks with his thumb. "You're going to be fine with him, I know it." He finished with a smile.
"I'm just so scared of something happening. I can't live in the now, I'm always thinking about the future." She paused. "I'm selfish. I'm trying to save myself."
"Baby, you're not selfish, and to tell you the truth, I'm constantly thinking about the future." He paused. "I sit with him, and I talk to him, and all I can think about is when we're going to have our next one." He hinted. "I think about his future, too. I wonder if he's going to like sports, if he's going to be the first basemen on his little league team or the leading scorer on his hockey team. Or, ya know, he may not even like sports. He might like playing guitar, or drums. He may be a genius." Chandler punctuated his words with a sigh.
"But still-"
"But nothing. Have you noticed that all we do is dwell on the past?" He found some inner strength, and had blindly stumbled upon the root of most of their problems. "We need to move on. You are going to be an amazing mother, and I'm going to do my best to be a good father. We're going to take each day, get through what we have to, because I love you," He hesitated, lowering his head before raising it with a smile. "And Luke loves you, and there's really nothing more to it." He finished simply, and while Monica thought she should say something she knew that there was nothing more to say.
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i came cryin' to you came on my knees
beggin father lift me up please
but no, as i came down, no flower out
just emptiness inside of me
oh light lift me up, please lift me up
come down and pick me away
forgive me all my selfish ways
sweet light pick me up from my misery
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"Here, sit down." Chandler lifted Luke slowly from his little bed as Monica sat herself down in the rocker. "There you go, Mommy." He placed Luke gently into Monica's arms.
Monica's breath shook as she allowed herself to be consumed by her son for the first time since his birth. "Hey there." She spoke softly, gently, as the tears rolled down her cheeks. The hospital was cold, uncomfortable and dreary but Luke filled her with unmistakable warmth, changing and transforming everything she thought she knew and placing her in a whole new world.
He'd lifted her from this mundane routine, taken her life and made it whole, answered her unasked questions and quelled any previous guilt. She would love him unconditionally, she would take him home and she and Chandler would build their fledgling family around this amazing baby boy in her arms. He was her future, and for the first time she allowed herself to live in the now, to admire her son for what he was, not what he would or could be.
"I love you, Luke." She used his name for what seemed like the first time, finally allowing herself to make the reality of her son known to her.
Chandler bent down next to her, kissing Luke's forehead sweetly before looking up at Monica. They were going to be okay, all three of them.
"I love you – both of you." Chandler spoke softly as Luke raised a tiny hand towards his mother.
"Oh." She gasped, slowly brining his tiny hand to her lips and kissing it gently. "I love you too. And thank you, thank you both for everything." She smiled through her tears.
"We're going to okay, babe." He smiled at the realization. They'd made it through everything, and finally, out of the dark the light had lifted them to the place they'd both been searching for for the better half of a year. They were past their petty fights, they were a family, and most importantly they were going to be okay – they were finally going to be okay.
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lift me up, sweet light
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Epilogue to follow.
© Breigh // 31 August 2002
