Chapter 8
::Hotohori:
I don't think he'll ever understand why I don't want him to suffer the operation.
It's nothing to do with what sex he is. He's always been a girl deep down inside.
It's not what anyone else will think. He's never cared much.
It's the pain that he will suffer.
I have lost all respect for Suzaku. Nuriko is right, he did mess up. Nuriko always has to suffer so much. Why must he do it now? Why?! Why?! To be who he is?! It's not fair! It's not! And when he suffers, I suffer.
He doesn't know that, how much I love him. How can he? How can he know that he is my world? I don't want him to feel pain.
But it's not even that either.
It's that maybe this isn't what he wants after all.
All these years, these lifetimes, he's wanted to be a girl. It's always been a hope for him in the darkness. He might have crossdressed for Kourin once, but maybe he did it for himself too. He's been a girl and a boy in personality and appearance in both lives, changing between them painfully. Now he finally can be a girl, forever.
But what if he doesn't like it?
What if it was only the idea of it?
I cannot tell him what is right, all I can do is love him. We've agreed to disagree about this. We talked about it the night after he told me and I held him near as he sobbed.
"All of the others... it's weird, Hori-chan. Mitsukake was worried about the pain, Chichiri about how I would cope, they both watched over me to make sure I was okay but they cared, they understood. Miaka tried to understand but couldn't. Yet she pretended for my sake. She's special, Miaka. She really does love us all. Taka and Tasuki freaked. And you know what's funny? I got it so completely wrong. I thought that with Tasuki it would be really awkward. It wasn't. And I thought that Chiriko wouldn't - couldn't - understand, would call me a pervert because he's just a little kid. He understood the best out of all of you. And you... you..." he trailed off.
We still are together, still going strong. After it's all over, we're getting married. Arguments are what out the differences in people but this one has only brought us closer together. I don't think he should suffer this, but it is his dream. His choice. I'll always love him, no matter what. And he can still change his mind. But I don't think he will.
I give him one final kiss as they wheel him out the door. He waves to us all and as he leaves, I can hear him singing:
Looking at the moon relected in the water,
I couldn't help but shake
The light overhead
just looks at that...
Even if an injured, weakening, wounded beast
lives or runs away is all up to itself
The sky is high, unending, but
light is the only thing it doesn't hold back.
I will always be watching over
the Perfect World called love
Whenever I overcome the difficult times,
I become dazzlingly bright
Before I knew it, I began to have confidence
in what I chose.
Sleeping at the bottom of the ocean, people are like pearls
Being washed, and polished, intensifying their brilliance
World where the sky is high and clearing
The snow is melting, turning into moisture
The courage to stand up
is always within you.
Just embracing, embracing, and lifting someone in your arms
is probably, surely, not kindness.
The courage to stand up
is always within you.
A perfect world called love
I can't help but smile. He will always be a bit weird - like singing before going off to surgery, I don't know of anyone who does that! - but I think he did it to comfort us as much as himself. Soon he will be whole. Who he was originally meant to be. Or should I say she?
