Edarchy
Chapter 8: The First Day... Or Something.
Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy.
A/N: Well, this is it. Eddy's first day. You may think that this story may as well be all about him. Well, if it's any consolation, the next chapter (surprisingly enough) will probably be the first chapter not to feature him (there's a small chance he may be mentioned, but he won't be seen, nor will he have any lines). I know this story arc will be centred around Eddy's new job as a janitor, but there are a few points (i.e. Chapters 9 and 10) where it may go "off-topic". Don't worry, this is probably where I'll flesh out characters (mainly those who appeared in the original show) and, with any luck, it won't seem forced, shoehorned in and/or completely unnecessary.
Something I should point out: I would try and make this longer, but I'm still having problems with this damn writer's block. And chances are that the next chapter also won't be very long. But, as I've previously stated, Chapter 10 will go in depth... hopefully. Enough rambling on, let's restart this story after a long – and undeserved – break.
It was 7:15am and it was pretty much overcast. As he started work today, he had to be up early. His alarm clock then went off and he got up, turned off his alarm and then went into his personal bathroom. After he was finished in his shower, he shaved off any unsightly stubble, applied aftershave and got changed into blue Y-fronts, black socks and a brown jumpsuit (which mysteriously appeared out of nowhere) with the words "JANITOR" written on the back in red letters.
He then walked into the kitchen. He got out some eggs, bacon, cheese and milk. He nearly went over to his personal liquor cabinet but, since he had to drive to work, he didn't. After making – and eating – himself bacon (covered with cheese) and eggs with some coffee, he went into his gaming room, turned on his PS1 and played Tomb Raider.
The time is now 8:25am. After he saved his game and turned off the PlayStation and TV, he headed downstairs and grabbed his car keys. When he opened the door, he saw Ed about to ring the doorbell. Despite Eddy being in plain view, Ed still rang the doorbell. The two of them got into the van and, after buckling up, Eddy set off to Automaton's Lair.
Ed then turned on the radio and turned it to STIL FM. For some reason, they were playing Hammer Smashed Face by Cannibal Corpse, which would probably get the DJ in trouble. Ed turned up the volume and nodded his head to the music, whereas Eddy had to concentrate on driving. 'It's gonna be a long day, isn't it?' He said to himself whilst Ed was growling along to the lyrics.
Before dropping him off at the comic book store, Eddy reminded Ed 'OK, Lumpy. I might not be here by the time the store closes, so, y'know, either find something to do or walk home.' Ed nodded and entered the store. At that moment, Eddy then changed the station to something more relaxing. After failing to find something worth listening to, he just stuck in a mixtape he made consisting of songs by Tom Jones, Barry White, Frank Sinatra and David Bowie. 'Much better...'
After 23 minutes, he then arrived at the office. It's really amazing that the traffic warps itself so that our characters are never late, nor do they get stuck in jams! Ha, they're all Sues. Seriously though, Eddy got there in time. He then got out of his van and locked it. After showing the guard his ID, he then headed up to a break room where he sat around waiting for his shift to happen. Oh, and the office building itself looks like a relatively new ten-storey office building with a reasonable-sized car park in front of it.
About an hour later, when Eddy was show what to do and how to do it, he then started sweeping the floors, probably wishing that he was back at home playing Commander Keen (more specifically, Aliens Ate My Babysitter!) whilst having a cool, refreshing beer and, hopefully, try and get Cannibal Corpse out of his head. Whilst sweeping a floor, he saw someone – who should've been doing his work – playing Map 23 (Tombstone) of The Plutonia Experiment – one of the two megaWADs released on Final Doom. Eddy then walked up to the man and offered some advice. 'Y'know,' He noticed that the man had already activated another secret. 'If ya step on that teleporter pad, you'll get a megasphere.' The man did just that, grabbed said megasphere (which, to those who haven't played Doom II or any WADs based on it, raises both your health and armor to 200%), gave Eddy a high-five and continued with his game. The janitor then went back to whatever he was doing before.
The time was now 11:03am. As he finished sweeping the floor, he then walked into a dark corner. After looking around to see if nobody's looking, he then got out a hip flask containing some vodka. He took a couple of swigs of his drink before putting it away, stepping out of the corner and heading towards the janitor's closet to see what he has to do next. His next task was to empty out all the bins. And, considering how many there are per floor (about 2-3 bins for plastic bottles, packets et al; and 5 bins for scrap bits of paper), this is no easy task. He then grabbed a couple of bin liners, had another swig of vodka, and then set off to work.
After he emptied all the bins, he then looked at the clock which showed the time as 12:32pm. Of course, it was anywhere between 6-8 minutes off, but it was still time for lunch. Eddy dumped two bin bags (one containing the contents of the "paper bins", whereas the other has plastic bottles and all that) into the janitor's closet and headed to the second floor, where the cafeteria is. After ordering a ham sandwich and an espresso, he sat down at a table, sneakily poured some whiskey into his coffee and started eating his lunch.
Speaking of lunch, we now cut to Ed, eating a slice of pizza, trying not to spill any of it on the comic book (it was an issue of Watchmen) he was reading, whilst in the stock room – which doubles as his office – Bob was playing Rise of the Triad on the computer. It had pretty much been a quiet day, which was not unusual, mainly due to the fact I can't write all that well.
About 15 minutes later, Ed finished his pizza and put the box under the counter. A couple of seconds afterwards, someone came into the store, picked up a copy of Transmetropolitan (an old copy another person sold to the store, probably because they were low on money), paid for it and walked out of the store. Yes, that's pretty much the most exciting it's going to be this chapter, but at least Ed likes his job.
Though I could just cut over to Edd (who was over at Marie's playing Super Mario Kart on her SNES, seeing as he's not supposed to be at work until 3:30pm), but I'm going to still hang around here, where the boredom is. Luckily, Bob – who was still playing ROTT (as Ian Paul Freeley) – managed to complete his game. After constantly firing at El Oscuro (the main enemy) and dying, he then tried not shooting, which worked. At the exact moment El Oscuro died, Bob yelled 'Yes!' which alerted Ed and the customer he was serving. For some reason, both of them went into the stock room to find out what happened. 'Sorry, guys. It may have taken me a month but I managed to complete this game.'
'Cool.' Ed somehow nodded his head, despite the fact he has no chin. A minute or so later, Ed and the customer walked out of the stock room and continued whatever they were doing.
It was now 5:20pm. Eddy had finished work 15 minutes ago and was now driving home; Edd was still at the Java Hut; and Ed had already started walking home (luckily, for him, his house wasn't that far away). Whilst in his van, Eddy turned on the radio and searched for a station worth listening to. He managed to find one, which was playing some obscure disco song from 1978. He then started moving his head to the beat, sorta like a one-man "Night at the Roxbury" (except, of course, What Is Love isn't playing in the background).
23 minutes later, he arrived at his house. He turned off the radio, "turned off" the car (for lack of a better word), took the keys out of the ignition and walked into his house. He went into his kitchen and got a can of beer from out of the fridge. He opened it and took a sip. He then went upstairs, into his game room and, of course, went to his computer and played some Commander Keen.
A/N: I'm absolutely sorry about a) how long it took and b) how disappointing it was. Comparing this chapter to Duke Nukem Forever would probably be an insult to Duke Nukem Forever! Still, here are a few things I should go on about:
1) Eddy's work uniform was actually based on the Janitor's outfit from Scrubs (despite the fact that the show first aired in 2001. Not to mention that the Janitor doesn't actually wear a jumpsuit, because who wears one with a belt?).
2) That guy playing Doom when he was supposed to be working is sort of based on a true story. During the 90s, loads of offices would have people playing Doom (mainly deathmatches) when they were supposed to be doing work. Because they were losing money, some companies banned Doom from its computers (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong; or back me up with evidence if I'm right). This guy, however, managed to find a way around it, although we don't know how since he might not be seen again.
3) I have no idea why I cut to the comic book store. Maybe it was so boring with Eddy we had to go somewhere less tedious!
4) Eddy's computer wasn't a present from his uncle Martin (four chapters later than intended and we finally find out his name). Actually, in 1995, he bought Edd's old computer (which he replaced with his current one, which runs Windows 95 as opposed to MS-DOS) for $50. You may think that this was out of character for Eddy, considering how he BOUGHT something with money, but, in actuality, whenever he was around Edd's house, he pretty much went on the computer and played Doom. After buying it, he went round buying old DOS games (which came on floppy disks) to add to his collection.
5) Eddy keeps things like beer and, on special occasions, wine in his fridge and keeps things like gin, vodka, etc. in his personal liquor cabinet. I think we all know why, but I thought I might explain this just in case.
6) Yes, I call it SNES (rhymes with less) instead of "S-N-E-S", "Super Nintendo" or "Super NES". I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I think it might be me padding this out to make this chapter longer than it really is.
I think that's about it, really. Once again, I sincerely apologise for how short and how shit this chapter was. With any luck, I might make it up to you with the next chapter. If that doesn't work, then, of course there's Chapter 10. After that... then I'm really out of ideas. So yeah, take care whilst I continue this story.
