Thursday, February 12th

It's like a tidal wave of crazy has hit Forks, Washington.

As everyone in the entire world knows, on February 14th it is Valentine's Day. The day when everyone wears horribly tacky pastels, and make every other person know how much in love they are. For others, it's the day when you brag to your friends how much sex you've had. It makes me nauseous!

But I'm sure if I had someone to share it with I would feel differently.

NOT EDWARD CULLEN! I know what you're thinking, Diary.

This nutty Jewish chick wants to bone Edward Cullen so bad!! Hee hee! I'm going to run off and tell my other diary friends.

Well stop right there because I officially do not want to bone Edward Cullen. Not like I ever did in the first place… I just wanted to ask him out. Maybe see a movie and hold hands. Doing him was the last thing on my mind.

I'm serious. Stop looking at me like that.


The Shed (aka My New Secret Headquarters)

The weirdest thing just happened.

After I was done writing out my lusty teenage girl fantasies, someone rang the doorbell. Mom started yelling at me to get it because she was taking a relaxing bubble bath, and reading dirty old ladies books, or whatever. So I drop everything I'm doing (because I'm that awesome of a daughter), and answer the door.

No one was there.

"Did Eric ding-dong ditch me again?" I asked myself becoming furious. Why must men find my pain so very funny? Like the time Mike super-glued my fingers together when I was sleeping. I was out of commission for a whole week. Sure it was fourth grade, but I never forgot. No sir!

I started looking around for a flaming bag of dog-shit, but there was just a crummy bouquet of lilies someone picked out of their backyard. They were even wrapped in a paper towel.

"What the hell?" I said picking up the sopping wet paper towel bouquet.

There was a card attached to it, but it was also wet so the words all ran together. It read something like:

Douche Yodelers Are Very Tiny

I found the whole thing painfully adorable. I have a secret admirer! Have you ever heard of a chubby Jewish girl having a secret admirer? Of course you haven't! Because I'm special!

Now if I could only guess who it is…


Friday, February 14th

Here at the illustrious Forks High School, we have this thing where you can send roses to your beloved sweetheart. Your significant other shall receive said roses in homeroom where everyone can see. How delightful!

NO.

Because every year Lauren and Audrey get a shit load of roses, and I'm stuck with zilch! Nada! Nil! NO ROSES FOR THE CHUBBY JEW! WE DON'T CARE IF SHE GOES HOME AND CRIES HERSELF TO SLEEP!!!!!

"I got one from Tyler!" Lauren swooned. "Isn't that the sweetest thing?"

"Oh my God!" Audrey squealed. "Like totally! He's so into you, Lauren."

"How many roses did you get, Jess?" Lauren asked just to annoy me.

My desk was empty. Not even a petal. Ho hum.

"Don't worry, Jess," Audrey said trying to be helpful. Her pile of roses wasn't making me feel any better. "I'm sure yours just got lost."

Then, like a ray of sunlight from the heavens, someone said, "Look how many Bella got!"

We all turned around, and gasped. Bella's desk was absolutely COVERED in flowers. She looked embarrassed, her cheeks pink and her eyes on her shoes. Can someone feel triumphant and cynical all at the same time?

Lauren and Audrey were pissed beyond words. They could barely speak!!!

Score one for the Jessica!

I don't even feel angry that Swan helped me out a little.


Shed (aka The Place Where I Will Likely Kill Myself with Mother's Gardening Tools)

Guess what just happened!

Mike showed up on my doorstep with GREAT NEWS!

"My mom and your mom are making me go out with you."

ISN'T THAT GREAT? Now where's that weed whacker?

"What?" I asked trying hard not to laugh. Because he looked absolutely ridiculous in this ugly as sin tweed jacket and loafers. "Are you serious?"

"I wish I was kidding," Mike says pulling at his tie. "This is wicked embarrassing."

"You're telling me," I said. "I have to look at you."

"And be seen with me."

"MOTHER!" I shout.

Mom descended the stairs looking drop-dead gorgeous in a red halter dress and pumps. Another date I suppose. She saw Mike standing awkwardly on the doorstep, and swooned.

"Oh Michael!" she said. "You look adorable!"

I half expected her to pinch his cheeks like my great-aunt Maude. Mike, of course, was checking out my mom (which, in my opinion, was totally nasty and unnecessary). So, I directed the conversation back to myself.

"What's this crap about me going out with Michael?"

"Well!" Mom said bouncing over to the mirror to apply some lipstick. "Jennifer and I thought it would be a good idea for you two to go out since you have no dates for Valentines."

"Way to meddle and make me feel like crap at the same time," I said. "Two thumbs up."

"Just get ready, Jessie."

How could she do this to me? I was going to stay at home and indulge myself in The Breakfast Club and chocolate! Judd Nelson or Mike Newton. This is such a hard decision.


A/N: Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion!

They actually do that rose thing at my school too. Poor Jessica. I put her through so much trauma.

NOW FOR THE POLL:

Who would you choose? Judd Nelson or Mike Newton? Or someone else? What a mystery!