A/N: I'm going to start by saying this is late. Like, really late. School started and I had to do a ton of paperwork. I got a new laptop and lost all my files on the old one, including this chapter, and then proceeded to forget aforementioned new laptop at school. I cranked the end of this out really quickly, so I apologize for any typos. Happy Labor Day and on with the story!
Well, it's official. I'm gonna die this year. My headstone is gonna say, "Here lies Mark Watney. He beat the shit out of Mars but was killed by a coworker. May he rest in potato-free peace." After the Tonight Show fiasco, I went home, took some sleeping pills, and conked out. I got up at nine the next day, and wandered out to my kitchen, starting a cup of coffee and pulling out my phone. I was like 2% awake and didn't remember a thing about the day before yet. So when I saw that I had 50+ texts, my first thought was 'Who died?And then I remembered.
I had basically dissed all of NASA when I yelled at Teddy about suing him, and swore at Annie when she had specifically told me not to. And I probably ruined Jimmy's last program, scared any kids in the audience, and... Oh crap. Mindy.
I hurriedly opened my texts, ignoring he others as I looked for Mindy's number.
2:07
Mindy: oh my god I have a space rock I'm freaking out thank you so much mark and I almost forgive you for calling me out because I have a space rock oh my god
Okay. She wasn't mad at me. That's a weight off my shoulders. That was one of the things I had worried about when I had made my plan. Frankly, it was my biggest worry. And the plan derailed anyway. I had planned to just say, "Mindy, thanks, you rock so here's a rock," but I guess I just got angry. At what, I don't know. Mindy, Teddy, Mars, potatoes, bright lights, ties that choke you to death, and talking for so long were probably the main causes.
I moved to the rest of my texts, purposely saving Annie for last. I tapped the crew group chat.
2:04
Martinez: tell me when your funeral is buddy. i'm dying of laughter but i'll bet you money annie isn't
2:13
Vogel: you are dead meat mark. the pr lady will have your head
2:34
Johanssen: I'm not sure what to say to you Mark. You brought attention back to us, but now the world is focused on you once again instead of me and Chris so thanks I guess.
2:35
Beck: *Chris and I
2:35
Johanssen: shut up
2:56
Lewis: Mark, why didn't you let me see the rock?!
2:56
Lewis: I feel betrayed
2:57
Lewis: :,(
Okay, so they're not mad. Well, maybe Lewis is, but she'll get over it. About thirty of the remaining texts were from miscellaneous people, one or two each. The rest were from Annie.
Steeling myself, I clicked on Annie's.
1:32
Okay we're good so far
1:35
Good speech
1:37
Mark stop now
1:38
STOP
1:38
YOURE RUINING IT MARK STOP YELLING
1:39
STOP OR SO HELP ME ILL RIP YOUR PATHETIC HEAD OFF
1:40
FUCK YOU TOO
1:41
THATS ENOUGH MARK STOP
1:42
NO NO NO DONT SAY THAT
1:42
STOP BEFORE YOU FUCK UP TOO MUCH
1:43
AND WHY IS TEDDY IN THIS MARK YOU IDIOT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! DONT MENTION LAWSUITS SOMEONE MIGHT GET AN IDEA!
1:44
Mark, I'm gonna be calm and tell you that if you don't shut up I will flay you alive and use your dead body to grow potatoes which will go in your empty coffin
1:45
WHERE WERE YOU HIDING THAT I THOUGHT WE SEARCHED YOU?!
1:46
PROFESS YOUR LOVE LATER DONT RUIN US
1:46
AND PAY THE FUCKING DEBT!
1:47
I GIVE UP MARK YOU ARE A HOPELESS TRAIN WRECK I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL AND HELL IS MARS AND IT BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ME WHY WE CAME BACK FOR YOU AND I HATE YOU EVEN MORE THAN WHEN YOU MADE THAT BOOB JOKE
1:48
Goodbye forever you ass
Well, that's about what I expected. Ah well, she hated me anyway. I'm gonna assume she doesn't want a response. She's gonna be on damage control all week. All month, maybe.
I'd be lying if I said I was sorry.
At this point, I'm fed up with NASA bullshit. I mean, I'm gonna be grateful to them for saving my life forever, but they're trying too hard to make a good impression. I'm totally on board with space travel (obviously) and I'll endorse them and stuff, but I've proven I can take care of myself.
Do I owe them? Yes. I owe pretty much every person on this planet. I'll probably be endorsing them until a few hours after I'm dead. But you know who I owe more? My crew. They chucked a year and a half of their lives into the abyss of space for me. And aside from Lewis, they usually own up to it. Especially Martinez when he needs something.
But they don't really ask much from me. They know the most about what I've been through, and we all respect each other. NASA, however, really loves its new guinea pigs.
We, in turn, hate them most of the time. It works out pretty okay most of the time because of contracts and all that, but it's still annoying.
Oh well. Time to go apologize (insincerely) to Annie. If I die, sock Teddy in the face for me.
(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)
Annie Montrose stomped out of the press room, swearing like a sailor to nothing as she walked. Screw that asshole whose name, she decided, will never be spoken by her again. Unless she was yelling at him. Exceptions could be made.
"I swear to God, if I ever see him again, I'm gonna lob his fucking head off and feed it to a pig, and then throw the pig off the nearest cliff, into a volcano, and let it burn in Hell forever. So help me, if he shows up right now, I'm gonna tell him-"
"Hi Annie!" A voice interrupted her ramblings, and she turned to see her new least favorite person in the solar system grinning apprehensively at her from down the hall. She stopped for a minute, considered him, then ran at him faster then was thought possible of any human.
"YOU IDIOT!" She screamed, and reared her fist back, then punching him square in the nose.
"OW!" He shouted, hands flying to his face. "Annie, what the fu-"
"You asshole! What the hell were you thinking?! Do you even know how hard you've just made my job? I just got back from a three hour press conference where I had to explain to the fucking entirety of the world why you went batshit crazy all of a sudden! And you know what? I didn't know! You try standing there in a room of hungry sharks and saying, "Der… I don't know! Just kill me now!" While they scream themselves hoarse at you! One asshole tackled another to get my attention to ask, 'Are you screening your employees for insanity?' Because this even isn't the first time you've gone mental!"
"Annie, I-"
"YOU DON'T GET TO TALK!" she screamed, shoving him down the hallway towards a frightened group of interns. "You made everyone's life a living hell for a year and a half, and then instead of buying us flowers or giving us back any of that money, you dissed us on live television, looking psychotic by the way, and hiding a multimillion dollar artifact, which there are only a few of in the world, that in no way belongs to you, from us. Speaking of which, the nerds in biomed want to know where you kept it while flying. And thanks to you, I spent my all last night telling the fucking president of the United States that no, we are not, quote, 'bureaucratic felchers', and I basically had to beg them to keep funding us! And you know what the next item on my list is? Track down your little girlfriend and give her a piece of my mind! Lucky for her, only you get a piece of my fist, because this whole goat rodeo was your fucking fault!"
She paused, breathing heavily, and looked him in the eyes with a murderous glare. "I will give you one chance to speak. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"I think you broke my nose."
"What?"
Mark glared at her. "I said, I think you broke my nose."
He pulled his hands from his face, which was still gushing blood at an alarming rate.
"Oh, boo hoo," she deadpanned. "You were impaled less than three years ago, and you're complaining about a potentially broken nose. And, by the way, "impaled" sounds way too badass for being in the way of an inanimate object with murderous tendencies."
"Yeah, but that hurt then," Mark complained, "And this hurts now. Plus, I think it should have stopped bleeding by now."
Annie inspected his face, and found herself agreeing. "Okay, that does look worse than I anticipated. Sorry not sorry. Go to the clinic- oh wait, all the doctors went to a meeting. Damn."
"I'll just go to the hospital down the road, and see if they can patch it up or something."
Annie sighed. "Okay, I'm letting you go this one time. But rest assured, next time I see you will not be pleasant."
"Okay. Thanks, I guess. Um, see you later!"
He turned on his heel and headed down the hall towards the door. Annie stalked away in search of caffeine, muttering obscenities under her breath as the crowd that had gathered around them parted quickly to let her through.
(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)
Mindy Park was having one of the best days of her life. Sure, she knew that once she got to work, Annie would have her head, but that could be dealt with. What was one bodily in the grand scheme of things? Besides, literally nothing could make her sad today, because she had a rock from Mars! One of less than a hundred in the whole world. How the hell had she gotten ahold of one?
She grinned as she walked down the street to work. The night before, after saying goodbye to Mark, she had run up the staircase as fast as she could to her apartment on the third floor. She had thrown the door open, and bolted inside to collapse on her couch. After catching her breath, she hesitantly opened her hands to see if it was still there. To her utter surprise, it was. She held the rock close to her face, examining it thoroughly. Little ridges and indentations pocked the surface, and a small bit of dust came off when she rubbed it.
Mindy had no idea where to put it. A very large part of her wanted to take it everywhere with her, clasped in a hand or in a pocket. However, the logical part of her brain was petitioning for her to run down to the bank to put it in a safe deposit box. She sat there for a few minutes, trying to choose before eventually compromising between the two and putting it in her freezer.
That might seem like a weird place, but who would look there? She also put in an empty bag of peas as extra insurance. Mindy wasn't worried about it being damaged by the freezing temperature because it had lived in sub-arctic temperatures for millions of years. She had then said goodbye to her treasure, left her apartment, and used a tricky little gadget she had invented to throw the deadbolt from the outside, in addition to locking it with her normal key.
Mindy was shaken from the memory when somebody's dog ran in front of her, dragging its owner by the leash. The man looked apologetically at her, and then did a double take.
"Hey, aren't you that woman who got called out on the Tonight Show last night?" He picked up the squirming dog and looked to her curiously.
"Yeah, actually," Mindy said awkwardly, with no idea how to respond.
"If what he said was true," the man began, "Then I have to say thank you. I can't even tell you how much my son was inspired by all of you guys trying so hard to save one guy. He says he wants to work for NASA now. So, thanks I guess."
He waved goodbye, and left Mindy standing in the middle of the sidewalk, bewildered. Why had a stranger come and talked to her? Thinking back, she also realized that she had been getting weird looks all day, even from the little old lady in the apartment across from hers. If this was what it was like for Mark all the time, boy, was she glad she wasn't him.
Mindy turned down a small alleyway that she often used as a shortcut to work, and let her mind wander as she meandered past a dumpster behind a restaurant. As she reached the end of the alley, a little short man in a suitcoat stopped her.
"Excuse me, miss," he began, looking around nervously, "Do you know how to get to the nearest Starbucks? Because my, erm, coffee machine broke this morning, and I really can't run without my daily, uh, cappuccino, and…" he trailed his stuttering with a quick glance over his shoulder.
"Um, yeah," Mindy said, turning around. "If you take a left at the Walmart, it's about five…" She trailed off, noticing two burly men standing at the other end of the alleyway. Confused, she turned back to the short man, only to see that another two tall people, another man and a woman, had appeared behind him.
Mindy backed away slowly, her hand drifting to her purse.
"What's going on?" She said nervously, turning around to see that the two guys at the other end of the alley had begun to walk towards her slowly.
"You got something we want, and we want it now," one of them growled, and looked to the tall man standing behind the short one.
"Yeah," he said, and then shoved the short man, who stumbled and almost bumped into Mindy, who was still retreating cautiously. "Caligary, you idiot, you are the least inconspicuous man I've ever seen. Don't stutter every other word, you'll get us caught."
"Sorry, boss," the short man said, hanging his head.
"Now, miss," said the tallest man, "Where is it?"
"I.. I don't know what you're talking about…" Mindy stammered, trying to slowly open her purse, where she had a can of pepper spray.
"Oh, I think you do," The tall guy stepped closer to her, and she backed against the wall.
"We all saw your darling boyfriend give it to you," said the woman, who was dressed in a leather jacket and had a handgun strapped to her side. "Not very smart of him, bragging to the world that you, who has no protection in the slightest, are now in possession of one of the most valuable objects in the world. Now, I don't really want to hurt you, so just hand it over, and we'll be on our way."
"It's…" Mindy thought fast, "I don't have it. I dropped it at the bank earlier this morning. You're wasting your time. Now, if you please, get out of my way and I'll forget this ever happened."
The woman grinned sadly. "Oh, but you see, we've been following you all day. And after you left your apartment, you never went near the bank. There's no point lying to us. Just hand it over."
"I don't have it!" Mindy said, and felt her back hit the wall. "I swear I don't have it. I'm not stupid enough to carry it around when I could be jumped by idiots like you!"
"Did you just call me idiot?" said one of the two men who had been behind her, and were beginning to close the ten feet left between them. "You're the idiot here, cause now I don't like you."
"Oh, shut up, Clark," said the woman, rolling her eyes. "She's not dumb enough to think we'd believe that she wouldn't have it on her. And she's really not dumb enough to think we'd just let her go."
She turned to Mindy, drawing her gun. "Now, I'm afraid if you don't give us what we want, I'll have no choice to shoot you. I really don't want to do that, so…"
She trailed off, twirling her gun. "What'll it be?"
"I don't have it! I swear I don't! Please, I'm just trying to go to work, I'm not gonna rat you out, just let me go!" Mindy almost had her pepper spray now. If she could just stall for another thirty seconds…
"Oh, I'm afraid I can't make that work. I'm going to give you until the count of five. If we still don't have it… well, it won't be pleasant. Last chance."
"Actually," Mindy began, speaking slowly, "I think I left it in my car last night, buried in the glove box. We could go ther-"
"FREEZE!" a voice shouted suddenly, and Mindy saw two police men appear over the shoulder of one of the men.
"Nobody move! You have until three to drop your weapon. One! Two!"
The woman suddenly pulled Mindy in front of her, put the gun to her temple, and cocked the hammer.
"Now," she began, a demonic smile on her face, "I believe it would be within your interests to not pull that trigger. Because if you shoot me, I shoot her. And we wouldn't want that now, would we?"
"Ma'am, I'm going to need you to drop the weapon now." The officers were slowly advancing,
"Such a shame it would be to mess up her pretty face…" The woman looked at her comrades. "Well? Are you going to do anything? Furan, you're supposed to be in charge here…"
One of the men startled and looked at her, and Mindy could practically see the rusty gears turning in his head.
"Oh. Yeah. So… if I'm in charge, what am I supposed to be doing?"
"You imbecile, this is why you never get to do anything. You know, I can't remember why I hired you in the first place-"
She was cut off suddenly as Mindy sprayed pepper spray in her eyes. The woman screamed, falling to her knees, and Mindy turned around to run. Brandishing her weapon, she tried to run between two of the men, but the third picked up the gun that the woman had dropped and pointed it at her.
Mindy froze, her eyes darting to the police. Somehow, she had become locked in a standoff with gunmen over something worth millions of dollars, when less than 12 hours ago, no one had known her name. The universe definitely had it out for her.
Everyone stood there in silence for a moment or two, and then one of the officers said, "Drop your weapon; this is your last chance."
The gunman's eyes flicked to him, and Mindy took the opportunity to rush one of the unarmed men. She rammed into him just as a gun started firing, and he batted her away easily, but not before she had thrown him off balance. She was about to climb back to her feet when one of the woman's arms darted out and grabbed her ankle, sending her to the ground again. She made one final attempt to stand up without being clipped by a bullet, but then something hit her in the back of the head, and everything faded to black.
A/N: Yes, I know it's highly unlikely for all the doctors in NASA to be gone at once, and then for Mark to decide that the hospital is the next best thing, but I'm setting up chapter 9 so hang in there. See you soon (hopefully)!
