Chapter Eight:

Before John, my dad and I left London John and I saw Ringo one last time. Turns out straight after the dinner we had together Ringo went back to Epstein's office and quit, apparently Epstein was in shock while Ringo just stormed out. When he told us John laughed and slapped Ringo on the shoulder feeling incredibly proud, I asked him what he was going to do now and Ringo just smiled at me and said he might so some drumming. I hope he does.

While we were in the plane I was just thinking back to what John had said about all the things that could have been if things weren't the way they were. Maybe George and I would have met and Maybe John would have been happier and maybe we'd all have met Ringo but the longer I thought about it the more my heart just ached but things can't be different.

John had depression.

George had cancer.

Ringo was away in London.

I was going to die.

God, I wish I could grow old.

"Are you alright Paul?" John asked me quietly as my dad read the paper.

"Yeah." I shrugged. I turned my head and tried to smile at my boyfriend, I had hoped my smile looked genuine but i could tell from his eyes that he knew I was sad about something but I guess I wasn't really that sad, I loved London and I loved meeting Ringo and I loved John.

I kissed John and we both laughed when my dad basically yelled his discomfort.

I laid my head on John's shoulder and smiled.

The more I thought about that world John described the more I realized I was okay with my life. I was happy despite it all.

It had been a week since our trip to London and I had decided I was in love with John Winston Lennon, it wasn't the 'I'm going to die so I'll love while I can' It was the 'who the fuck cares if I'm going to die I really love this boy'. I loved him so much, I loved him so much and so it made it harder to deal with when John rang me up on a Thursday in tears.

"John, John what's wrong?" I asked into the phone while tugging on my jacket.

"Paul Oh God I'm so sorry." John sobbed out.

"Johnny please talk to me." I begged.

"My house, I-"

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

I arrived at John's place and hit the door until his Aunt opened it.

I made an excuse as to why I needed to see him so she wouldn't come up and when Mimi wasn't looking I ran to John's room, I could hear my heart beating in my chest. I was glad the door wasn't locked.

I opened it carefully.

"John?" I called.

He wasn't on his bed or in the room at all.

I heard a small sob, a small heartbreaking sob coming from the small bathroom connected to John's room, I was afraid to open the door because in my heart I knew what I would find.

"Oh Johnny." I said, tears already spilling out of my eyes.

John was sitting on the ground holding his wrist tightly but I could see some blood seeping through his fingers.

I quickly and clumsily ran to the cupboard above the sink trying to find Band-Aids and bandages and I when I found what I was looking for I sat down next to John. I gently pried his hand off his wrist and I almost threw up from the sight of the cut.

I wrapped the cut and put over 30 Band-Aids over it while sobbing violently, John watched me with a blank face and once I announced I was finished he hugged me.

He hugged me for what seemed like hours and I wasn't sure if he was comforting me or himself. We finally stood up and walked down to the kitchen ("I'm hungry" John had said, we both stared at each other for a few seconds and then we laughed through what tears we had left).

"John? Don't eat like a pig." Mimi scolded when she wandered into the kitchen. "I do wish you were more like Paul." She shook her head.

"Like Paul?" John asked as if his Aunt was insane. "He's pigger than me."

"Only a little." I added.

"Only a little He says." John scoffed.

"Really." I mock glared at John.

"Nah I'm only joking, you're too pretty to be a pig." John smiled.

"I am you know." I said to Mimi. "My beauty takes peoples breath away."

"It actually happened to one of our friends, George." John added.

"Terrible shame that."

John gave me a smile and laughed, it was genuine and happy and you'd never guess what he was doing only 5 minutes before.

Mimi's eyes were glued to John's wrist and when she heard him laugh her head snapped up in shock, she then looked at me and brought me into a tight hug.

"I thank God for you every day." She whispered into my ear.

I blushed and laughed nervously. It was odd hearing her say that because I thanked God for John too.

"I love you." He told me when we got back to his room.

"I love you too." I said back.

John kissed me on the mouth as I held his wrist gently.

He lowered me on his bed while I kissed his neck.

John kept whispering that he loved me and I always said it back. I'm so happy I did.

I'd gotten home late that night, I rung George in tears just wanting him with me. I didn't tell him why and He didn't ask.

I was sitting on my bed when George walked into my room; he smiled at me and flicked my head.

He looked so thin and frail but he also looked happy.

"How was London?" He asked me. He had asked me that the day I got home but I had really only told him half the stuff John and I did. I smiled gratefully at him and I'm glad George didn't mention my red eyes.

I launched into the full story and he listened with wide, happy eyes.

He laughed when I told him about Ringo and that twat Epstein. He grinned smugly when I told him Ringo wished he could have met him and I couldn't help but think, Yeah Ringo and George probably would have gotten along.

Once I had finished the story I simply looked at him. I wonder if what John said was true...would me and George still have met if things were different. I wasn't sure but I was happy I'd met George, even if the reason was terrible. Without thinking I lunged at George and wrapped my arms around him in a hug. He hugged me back with a laugh and in that moment I was just grateful for him.

I think I cried but I wasn't sure. I was just thankful for him and John, I felt really happy.

"Hey," John greeted me 3 days later. He was standing outside the Cavern Club; I waved at him as I approached.

"Johnny." I nodded. I tried to ignore his long sleeved shirt and smiled at him faintly.

"Let's go for a walk." He said. I took his hand in mine and we started walking.

"I've been thinking about what you said, you know when you said you, me, George and Rings would just end up together if things were different. I laughed when I thought about it because imagine us four together. Four fucked up lads all thrown together." I looked at John and smiled widely. "But I think your right, I think we-you and I-would have still been together." I needed to tell him I just wanted to let him know in any way possible that I loved him so much.

John looked at me with a faint smile.

"I love you so much Paul, you'll never know how much I love you. I never, never want you to forget that. No matter what happens I just want you to know I love you."

"I love you too." I said back straight away.

John smiled and he kissed me, but I pushed him away slightly.

"I mean it John. I do love you, it's not young love or anything like that I just Really love you, like I'd I want to love you forever if I could." I just wanted him to know that before I...died, I just needed him to understand.

"I love you more." He whispered before kissing me.

We walked around for hours, I was really happy and I knew he was too But there was something in John's eyes that made me worry.

We spent so much time together and every time John laughed I just thought everything was going to be fine, everything was going to work out.

He forced me to write songs with him, forced me to sing and play the guitar every time we were together and I knew despite my protests that he knew I was happy. John introduced me to some of his older friends and made me see Ivan and Dot more than I used to. We spent so much time at the Hospital with Pete or practising Guitar with George (I had no idea John was preparing me for when He wasn't going to be around).

I had known John for almost a year and I loved him so much and he loved me, I never doubted that even when September came around.

John Winston Lennon died 12 days into September, car accident and I swear if you say he committed suicide I'll hit you. I swear.

(He didn't you know, I know you think he did but he didn't. I knew him. He didn't.)