Chapter 8- Out of the Mud

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It was a different Alicia who knelt in the mud before Aslan. Later, she would look back at that moment and remember it as one that changed her life forever.

Alicia had always believed in herself. She had been certain of her own judgments of others; she had been secure in all her attitudes; she could not be wrong. She sincerely tried to do what was right, but all too often her own convictions came first. This had been threatened by her experiences over the past couple days, and now it was completely swept away as she gazed into Aslan's eyes and all her own failings became visible in her eyes. He did not say a word more, but He did not have to. The old Alicia remained, with all her faults, but now it was a purified, tempered girl that emerged. She could not understand it, but finally she felt at peace.

She saw a hand in front of her and looked up to see Peter. "Come on," he said kindly. "No sense in staying there all day."

She looked around and realized several minutes must have passed. All the others were gone, on one duty or another around the battlefield.

"Your majesty," she said, getting up. "I…well, thank you for your offer earlier. I should have taken it."

"Think nothing of it," Peter chuckled. "I suppose it's rather pointless now. I must be off, but I can have someone escort you to Beruna if you want."

Alicia shook her head. "There's work to do here, isn't there? People like me who can nurse will be needed."

Peter raised an eyebrow. "You know, it's a pretty bloody scene. Not a place for a lady like yourself."

Alicia nodded. "It makes me feel sick," she admitted. "But I think it would make me feel worse to stand aside and do nothing for my people…well, I suppose that's both sides now. Does that seem strange to you?"

"No," said Peter firmly. He thought of what he himself was feeling. "I might not completely understand the first part of that, but it does hurt me to see my people dying. I suppose it comes with trying to be a good king. Well, fare ye well, Lady Alicia."

Alicia was amazed. Few Telmarine noblemen she knew had this attitude toward their men. Her respect for the Pevensies and especially Peter kept growing.

But such thoughts would have to wait. Too many groans and cries for help filled the fields.

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She encountered Edmund later that afternoon. He had just closed the eyes on a Telmarine soldier they had been too late to save, and was saying a quick prayer over him before he was carried away to one of the fresh graves being dug.

"So much death, all because of treachery and ambition," he said, not looking up. "It might be glorious while it lasts, leading a charge with banners flying high, but in the end it always comes to this."

Edmund sighed and stood up."I'm sorry, I shouldn't be bothering you with my thoughts. So Aslan's alright with you, I see."

"I…well, I suppose, your majesty, though I don't understand."

"You'll understand in time," said Edmund, allowing himself a slight smile. "It was hard for me when I first met Aslan. I'd…well, I'd made some terrible mistakes, and didn't understand how I could be forgiven. But He did forgive, and almost nobody thinks of it anymore."

"I know what happened with the Witch; Queen Lucy told me."

Edmund raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know she told you that much. But I suppose I was wrong to distrust you." More than anything else, he wanted to change the subject.

Alicia smiled. "To tell the truth, I was so hateful toward all of you and wanted to escape with a passion. You were right; I didn't have anything to escape to, but I still wanted to get out. Does that make sense?"

"No," said Edmund quite honestly, "I still don't understand. But I suppose I'm all right with you now, if Aslan is."

Alicia remembered why she had come to talk to Edmund in the first place. "You have to explain a lot to me, as well. Remember what you said? That if you won you'd have plenty of time to tell me? So what about that soup?"

Being a gentleman, it was not hard for Edmund to drop his suspicious attitude toward Alicia. But it was another thing to explain this. "I remembered being a prisoner, too," he finally said. "All I had was a hunk of dry, stale bread. I didn't want you to suffer the same way I did too. Ironic too, since you reminded me…oh, never mind." He was going to say Alicia had reminded him of the White Witch, but decided against it.

But Alicia had caught on. "You were going to say why you were so suspicious of me in the first place?"

Edmund nodded glumly. "Did anybody ever tell you you're too smart for your own good?" he asked, not maliciously, but matter-of-factly.

Alicia smiled at old memories and nodded. "I've been called smug, and I've realized over the past couple days that was true. What I do is observe others, and usually try to correct them. But I'm afraid that when I first met you I was trying to find things wrong with you, to prove to myself I was right in hating you."

"That's what made me so suspicious of you," said Edmund. "You see," he continued, "There's only been a few people I ever felt…digging inside of me like that. One was Aslan. Lor, looking into His eyes was something else. It was inexplicable."

"I just felt that, too. You don't have to try to explain."

Edmund smiled. "But I like trying. If there's one thing I can feast on thinking about, it's Aslan. I first saw Him when I was brought from the White Witch's camp. I was as miserable as can be, and imagine my fright when I realized He was real and so…royal and terrible and loving at the same time. But just looking into His eyes I knew I couldn't hide anything from Him."

"But that still doesn't explain it," remarked Alicia. "It sounds more of a compliment right now." The devotion that Edmund and Lucy had to Aslan never ceased to amaze her, once the blinds were removed from her eyes, but she was still insatiably curious about Edmund. She felt that her questions about his dual personality were about to be answered.

"There were also my mother, when I lied to her, and a few of the better foreign spies who made me feel that way," Edmund admitted. "That's what I connected you with. But I especially thought of her…" Edmund hated saying the name, and avoided it when he could. But Alicia wanted an answer. "The White Witch."

"By golly, not in that way!" he exclaimed as Alicia looked in puzzlement at him. "It's just that I still can remember the way she looked into at me, like she was boring into my soul, pulling out my faults and examining them and seeing what she could do with them. I was blind not to realize it at the time, and I've never forgotten it, though I try not to talk about it. When I see somebody looking at me like that, even Aslan…no, especially Aslan…I'm reminded. And I can do nothing but try to make sure others don't make the same mistakes I did."

Alicia had never felt so sorry for another human being in her life. Everything she herself had gone through paled in comparison to what she was now realizing what Edmund had to live with. Suddenly, everything about Edmund seemed to make sense, and she wanted to help him. "You can't carry those memories forever," she said slowly. "I'm sure they make you better, but it's eating you up."

Edmund smiled grimly. "Of course I must. It's my burden through life. Do I hate it? Yes. Do I realize it's necessary, for my own good? Yes. Is it my burden and not that of others? Yes."

"Your majesty," Alicia said, "you have no idea how comforting it was for me to talk to Queen Lucy about my own past. I can never change what's happened to me, but talking to another about it has made the memories so much easier. Those that knew me were right in calling me bitter, but I see now that it was because I held on to those memories and never let go, never talked to others about them…well, never truly had somebody to talk to about them, besides Caspian."

"It's not just memories; I bear a scar that's a daily reminder."

Alicia noticed the shiver that passed through Edmund at these words. "Do you ever show anybody?" she asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"No!" Edmund stood up and turned away. "Never, no. I've lived sixteen years with it. I should have moved on, but it's still there and reminds me of who I was, how I've failed…"

"Why don't you?" Alicia stood up as well and walked around Edmund to face him. To her surprise, he was holding back a sob. "Can't you see how keeping it in silence is eating you up? Come, show me."

Edmund looked at Alicia in amazement. Slowly, reluctantly, he lifted the edge of his tunic and pointed at the white scar. Alicia bent and touched the skin, being shocked by how icy it was. A cold shiver ran through Edmund and he quickly dropped the tunic.

"You know, you're the only one who's ever talked to me like that. Peter and Susan and Lucy and all the others tried not to remind me, and I was thankful for a while. But now…"

"Just let go," Alicia whispered. And Edmund did, as he saw on the ground and wept for the first time in a very long time. Alicia did not say anything; she was sure that a burden would have been lifted off Edmund when he rose.

But she was torn. Part of her wanted to remain and comfort Edmund, but she also knew there was other work to be done. Edmund seemed to sense this. "Go," he whispered. "Others need you. I'll be fine. And thank you."

Nodding, Alicia stood up and looked for others to tend to, in body or spirit. But she knew that she would never look upon a certain selfless Just King in the same way again.

She also thought of what Aslan had said. To her, being faithful meant fulfilling a mission. What mission could Aslan be speaking of? Could it mean being what she had imperfectly tried to do for so long, to be the voice guiding others into making a better world? If so, had all her life been only a preparation for this? From that day onwards, this became Alicia's driving goal, through all her life. But it was no longer for and even due to herself; it was a gift and mission for and from Aslan. This had just been the beginning.

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Fun book-verse fact: Even an old friend like Tumnus addresses the Pevensies as "Your Majesties" and "King Edmund and Queen Lucy." (HHB)