Study of the Heart

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Chapter 8

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"I just…wow, I really never would have expected." Ino had insisted on taking Sakura and Sai out to lunch. At first, he had been surprised at this kind gesture, but it became clear from the moment he arrived that she had ulterior motives. One week ago, during a mission, Sakura had told Sasuke and Naruto that they had her blessing, and that she hoped they would tell their other friends about their relationship. Naruto had burst into tears, and Sasuke had given her the barest of smiles. When they returned to Konoha, they had first spoken to Tsunade to let her know of their intentions, understanding the possible impact their relationship might have on some of the Councils hopes and wishes. Naruto had already spoken to Iruka about his relationship with Sasuke, and they had both told Kakashi the truth as well. Now, they were ready to make it public. Sai was impressed with their thoughtful patience, waiting for Sakura's blessing before telling the rest of their friends, before showing any affection in public. He was beginning to understand love a bit more, and he saw that they were trying to spare her additional pain. He also knew that Sakura was still in pain, but was doing an expert job of hiding it. He had asked her why she bothered to conceal her feelings from Naruto and Sasuke, who genuinely seemed concerned with her, and she had smiled sadly, saying that it wasn't her place to deny them the happiness they deserved. After all, she cared about them both deeply, and she didn't want to make them suffer, thinking they had done something horrible.

It hurts me, but it isn't as though they were being malicious. I can't force them to fall out of love, and I honestly wouldn't want to. Do you see how happy they are?

Sai had to admit, Sasuke was becoming more…almost sympathetic in his mind. He found himself, at times, instead of being amazed that Sakura and Naruto would like or even love such a person, wanting to know him better. This was like the beginning of friendship. He supposed that knowing that two people whose emotional wisdom he so trusted both could have fallen in love with Sasuke intrigued him, and made him genuinely want to know what it was about Sasuke that so drew these other two, who were so different from him, to him.

As he got to know Sasuke better, he noticed that there were similarities between them that he had ignored and previously tried to gloss over. He wondered if the reason they had trouble getting along was in fact because they were so similar. It makes sense. He has noticed that people who are very different are often most drawn to each other. Ino and Shikamaru, Naruto and Sasuke, Kiba and Hinata. Each of them seemed to be very different, and he would never have expected love to develop on one or either side before he began his study.

And suddenly, his interest in Sasuke was more personal. How had Sasuke, who was so cold, and so unable to exhibit emotions that might endear him to those around him, made so many people fall in love with him? Of course, he understands that most of his admirers simply love the way that Sasuke looks, and Sai feels that he is at least comparably attractive. After all, he has been told he looks similar to Sasuke, and that must mean that he is also good looking. But no one had fallen in love with Sai, as far as he knew, and it didn't make any sense. If they were so similar, he should also have many people in love with him. He felt quite sure that he could recognize the signs of someone being in love now, and he had yet to see any of those attentions being aimed at him.

Sai had discovered an odd, and secret truth about himself. He wanted to be loved. He wanted not just to have friends who cared for him, but he wanted to be adored, in the way that the many subjects of his studies were adored. It was an itching need within him, and he couldn't get rid of the nagging, insistent ache. He wondered if being loved could ever fully slake his thirst for the attention that he can see all around him, but that he never feels himself. It was strange, but Sai could not escape this need, nor can he seem to fulfill it.

"I mean, we've known Sasuke since he was just tiny, and Naruto, too, and I never thought…" Ino was still going on about the unexpectedness of Sasuke and Naruto's sudden coming out, which had culminated in Naruto moving in with Sasuke, making it rather clear to everyone they hadn't personally told where their affections lie.

"Yeah, it was surprising." Sakura sounded rather weary, but she had not seemed very surprised at Ino's alternative aim in inviting out the teammates of the two men whose names were currently on the tip of most everyone's tongues. Sai had been fascinated to see the difference between the tiny ripples caused when Ino and Shikamaru had begun dating publicly, and when Sasuke and Naruto had done the same. Sakura had explained the reasons behind the difference, and Sai couldn't help but be annoyed on Naruto's, and even Sasuke's, behalf. Why should they have to change how they feel to make the village happy? Why could love not be something that each person was free to pursue in themselves, rather than finding it controlled and influenced by other? He realized now what a tough decision it must have been for both men to let everyone know the truth about them, knowing, as they must have, how many would be angered by their relationship, how many would oppose it. However, there were many who seemed to be inspired by their brave honesty, and who supported them. All of their friends were behind them, and it also helped to have the Hokage very obviously on their side. Still, Sai didn't think it was right for other people to try to tell someone who they could or could not love. He had learned that there was no way to change your heart, so what was the point of this futile opposition?

"Did you ever think maybe that there was something going on there?" Ino asked a variation on the questions she'd been interrogating Sakura and Sai with for the past half an hour.

"Not really, not until I first saw them together." Sakura smiled weakly. "Then it suddenly all kind of…made sense, I guess."

"Yeah, I mean, I knew that Naruto and Sasuke were really…preoccupied with each other and everything, but I just never realized that they could be…you know, I swore that Sasuke wasn't gay. Shikamaru thought he was, but I just thought he was being an ass, you know." Ino flushed slightly. "I mean, I don't have a problem with it, but I just can't believe how they could have been together all this time…and I had no idea!"

"I know, really." Sakura sounded like she would rather be anywhere else in the world at that moment, and Sai suddenly tried to think of some way that he could end this wearisome encounter, or at least turn the conversation to something that would be easier for Sakura to talk about.

"How is Shikamaru?" he asked, knowing that if there was one thing Ino would want to talk about at any given time, it was her boyfriend. Sakura looked at him in surprise before turning to listen to Ino. Sai nearly leapt out of his skin in surprise when he felt her fingers on his hand below the table, giving a gentle squeeze to show her thanks. Suddenly, he felt himself blushing, and he struggled to school his features into their expressionless arrangement.

"Oh, he's doing great," Ino giggled slightly. "He's going to apply to become a jounin. He didn't want to, because he said it would be too hard, you know, too troublesome, but I pointed out that if he really wants to retire later, he needs to make more money then he does now, even as an instructor."

"I had no idea you two talked about…the future, you know." Sakura smiled softly, seeming much happier now that they weren't talking about how Naruto and Sasuke had dated right under her nose. "It must be really serious."

"Well, you know, he acts one way, but he's really mature." Ino blushed and went on, "I told him I was going to apply to become a jounin as well, and we had a horrible fight. He said that there's no reason for me to put myself in danger like that…well, in the end, I won. Of course."

"Wow, jounin, huh?" Sakura really seemed interested now. "I should apply soon, as well. I don't want to be left behind, and I'm sure that Naruto's eager to advance again, now that he finally became chuunin. With Sasuke back to train against, he'll definitely make it on the first try, I think."

"Ah! We're all becoming old!" Ino raised her hands in mock surprise. "Then there's Sai. This must all be old news to you, being ANBU already."

"I gave up my ANBU ranking," Sai replied. "I'm no more than a jounin now, as well."

"Only a jounin," Ino laughed and rolled her eyes. "Do you think it's worth it? I mean, you get paid less and you're on a lot less interesting missions now, especially being on a team with three chuunin."

"I've gained a lot more than I left behind." Sai answered honestly, "In Root, I was no one. I had no past and no future, no name, and no friends. I am much happier now, having so many friends, and learning new things every day. I feel like I am a person, not simply as though I am acting like someone who might be a normal person."

"Oh, Sai," Sakura leaned over and quickly squeezed his shoulders in an odd sort of hug. "I'm glad that you like being part of our team, because honestly, even though we had a rough beginning, I really couldn't imagine the team without you, now."

Sai turned to her, wanting to thank her for saying such a kind thing, but he found the words were caught in his throat, and he was so fascinated with the tears glistening in her bright green eyes, with the open, raw emotion in her face. He wanted to go home, so he could paint that moment, so that he could always look at the way she was looking at him, so he could always have the warm feeling that flooded his chest at that moment. At the same time, he didn't want to move, or to go anywhere. He wanted the moment to stretch into eternity, he wanted…something. He wanted to show her that what she was saying, with her sincerity etched in a face that was as familiar to him now as though it had been burned into him, meant more to him than anything he could remember in the sad vestiges of a life he had once lived before leaving Root. He tried to imagine what his world would be like without her, and he realized that he couldn't. There was no conceiving of such a place. It was nothingness. Sakura was life. And his other friends, of course…but she was somehow different, and if he could only define what it was about her…

"Oh, Sakura, do you have a crush on Sai!" Ino squealed, ending in a trail of high giggles that utterly destroyed the moment and killed his train of thought. "I told you he looks a lot like Sasuke! And now that Sasuke's taken, your time has come to strike out into new territories! Look how happy I am with Shikamaru."

"Ino-pig, it's nothing like that between us." Sakura was brilliantly red and staring steadfastly at her empty plate. "Honestly, don't mistake things. You can be such a pain sometimes. I don't know how Shikamaru puts up with you. You know the bonds that exist between teammates! That doesn't mean we're…"

"Oh, yes, well, Shikamaru and I used to just be teammates." Ino pointed out in a teasing tone. Sai's face felt hot, and he realized that he was blushing as well, but at the same time, he was thinking of what Ino was saying. "So did Naruto and Sasuke! So did Hinata and Kiba!"

"What?" Sakura looked up, her blush fading. "What about Kiba and Hinata? Did something happen?"

"Oh, I forgot to tell you in all the excitement about Sasuke and Naruto!" Ino rolled her eyes and slapped her own forehead. "Yeah, while you were gone, Neji went to Tsunade and told her he was going to move away, to go seek his fortune or whatever. Something. Anyway, so he got her permission to move away, but he didn't even ask the Hyuuga clan, so they went crazy, saying he couldn't leave, because the clan needed him, and he got into this huge argument with his uncle. I don't know, I heard he said that he wished he'd been born blind so he wouldn't have ever had to know him, and threatened to leave his eyes and strike out without them so that he wouldn't be taking anything too important to the clan. And it was getting out of control, so Hinata steps in and that only heats him up more, and in the end she insists to her father that if he won't allow Neji to live his life then she's leaving the family and he can find another heir…or something like that. So Hinata ran away from home and laid low at Kiba's house while Neji skipped town without his uncle's blessing or his permission. Which is why you haven't seen him. It was all anyone was talking about before you came back, how Neji is a missing-nin now, but he's not, after all, because he got permission from the Hokage, which really is what counts, but no one knows where he went, except I bet Hinata knows something, but like she's going to tell anyone. So anyway, she was staying with Kiba, and it turns out she's actually been over Naruto for a little while now, which is good, considering the whole Naruto and Sasuke thing, but basically, it turns out that they're actually together now. Which surprised me, but not nearly as much as this, you know, I mean, who would have thought, the last Uchiha saying to hell with it and shacking up with another guy, leaving his clan to die out." They sat in silence for a few moments digesting Ino's extensive story. Sai had a shrewd idea he knew where Neji had gone, and he was pretty sure Sakura knew, as well.

"I think it's romantic," Sakura spoke up, her tone softer than it had been. "I mean, he's giving up everything else to be with Naruto, and Naruto's doing the same. Isn't that the true meaning of love? Doing anything for someone because you want, more than your own happiness, for that person to be happy."

Sai was shocked. It was the first time he had heard her talk about Sasuke and Naruto and sound like she genuinely wished them well, like she was actually glad to have lost Sasuke's heart. He wondered if it was normal for medic-nin to be this selfless, or if Sakura was a special case. As he watched her, he saw a tear fall from one eye, glistening as it fell over the line of her cheek and he realized that at some point, he had come to see Sakura as something beautiful. He wondered how that could be. He had always thought that beauty was something that had nothing to do with emotions, but now, he knew differently. Somehow, looking at her made him happy, and it made him want to keep looking.

"Sakura, that was sweet," Ino smiled warmly at her old friend. "When Shikamaru and I get married, will you be my maid of honor? I want you to do the speech."

"You two are getting married?!" Sakura was shocked out of her contemplative mood, her eyes wide as saucers.

"Well, he hasn't asked me yet," Ino stretched and flexed her fingers as though preparing for a battle, "but it's too soon still. Give me three months. I plan for him to plan to propose after he gets promoted, so he better not mess it up."

"Ino, you are unbelievable," Sakura collapsed in laughter. "You can't plan for him to plan to…are you crazy?"

"You wait." Ino assured them, standing up to leave. "We've been dating for over half a year, you know he's got to be thinking about it, and this would be the perfect opportunity." They watched her leave the restaurant with no small amount of disbelief.

"Do you think he will propose to her?" Sai asked, curious.

"Well, he better." Sakura shook her head and stood up with him, also preparing to leave. "I've seen that look in her eye before. If she doesn't get a ring, or if he doesn't make jounin, he'll be wishing he'd never been born."

"Or never fallen in love with her?" Sai suggested, and Sakura started laughing again, patting him on the back as they walked out into the cold early evening air.

"Exactly," she smiled warmly at him. "I'm glad you were there today, or it would have been unbearable." She leaned over and gave him a hug before leaving for home. Sai stood watching until she disappeared from sight before going home.

He was up all night drawing. When morning came, the sun fell on scattered pictures, some half finished, some rather detailed, all of one subject. Pink hair, green eyes, and a thousand angles and expressions.

Sai was still sketching, trying to put whatever it was he was feeling into the pictures, and failing to make sense of anything.

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To be continued…