Nine-Tenths of the Law
Rumble and Megatron stood on top of the Decepticon base waiting for the others to return. Rumble tried to make small talk to break the silence.
"So just you and me, hanging at the base today, huh Megatron? This is new. I notice you use a shotgun. That's cool. I just use this pistol. It works for me. So, you think the guys will be back soon? What do you think they're up to? You think they stopped at the store? I noticed we were getting pretty low on rust remover. ...When you go offline, can I have your armor color?"
"Hey, we're back!" Starscream called out as he came up the ramp.
"Oh man, am I glad to see you guys. Megatron would not stop talking. Seriously."
"Frenzy, Starscream, were you able to work out a suitable exchange?" Megatron asked.
"Uh, not exactly, sir. You see, when we showed up, the Autobots were doing something really weird, and then th,"
"Really weird. And they were rude," Frenzy interrupted.
"Hey dumbass, I thought we agreed I was going to tell the story."
"Excuse me, go ahead."
"Well you see, the Autobot guys were really weird, and not just normal weird, really weird"
"You're not telling it right."
"Okay fine, how do you remember it?"
"Well, I remember we agreed that you're a kiss-ass. I get fuzzy on the rest of the details."
"Anyway, they didn't want the prisoner back, sir."
"Why those cunning Autobot devils. Does their treachery know no bounds?" said Megatron.
"It wasn't a total loss sir, I was able to steal his wallet," Frenzy mentioned.
"Frenzy, I may make a respectable soldier out of you yet."
"Really sir?"
"Hell no! Now leave the money in my chambers, and get back to work!"
At the Autobot base, Optimus was trying to get his legs working again.
"Alright Jazz, what the hell are we going to do man, I got to get my legs working here."
"I don't know, but I can't just keep pulling wires down there. I think we should call in a professional, maybe someone who can fix Joan too," Jazz suggested.
"Okay great idea, but the only two people who can do that are Señor Soundwave, and R-C."
"Hmm, R-C can be kind of hard to work with," said Bumblebee.
"Yeah. Dead people usually are," Jazz replied.
"Quite frankly Jazz, I find your attitude offensive," Optimus said.
"What about that Soundwave person. Is he available?" Bumblebee asked.
"No, I'm in his body. Remember?"
"Well... why don't you just leave his body, and then Jazz and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend!"
"Girlfriend, what?" Jazz yelled.
"You retard-a-con?" Optimus asked.
"I mean uh, Jazz and I will make him fix you, and uh the beautiful tank lady means nothing to me. Uh then we can get you back in his body when he is done," corrected Bumblebee.
"I'm confused, that actually seems like a good idea," said Jazz.
"I know," agreed Optimus.
"…But Bumblebee said it."
"I know."
Jazz punched Optimus in the face.
"Ack, what the hell was that for?"
"I don't know, I thought maybe I was dreaming, so I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't."
"Jazz, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else. You get somebody else to pinch you."
"Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me."
"If you dented my forehead, Jazz, I am going to be pissed."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"Let's try this: I'll jump out of Soundwave's body real quick, you two just watch him, make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?" Optimus asked.
"Yeah, sure," Jazz replied.
"Okay, Optimus!" said Bumblebee.
"Ughhh, alright. Here goes nothing. Hegakergerk!" Optimus' spark left the body of Soundwave.
"You know, I have to hand it to you Bumblebee, you finally came up with a good idea," said Jazz.
"Oh, thanks man. It was nothing."
"No, no, you really contributed, and that's what it's all about."
As they were talking and looking away from Soundwave, he began to run off.
"Ya know, I just enjoy the process," said Bumblebee.
Optimus began to materialize in his spark form.
"Yeah-ah, back in the spark world, alright. Man I forgot how good this feels. Kind of... loosely-goosey. Hey, what'd you guys do with my body?"
"Why do you care about your body, you can't even move your," Jazz started but turned to see Soundwave running over the hill, "Oh hey look, your legs work!"
"This one is my!" Galvatron yelled as he raised the sniper rifle. He began firing at the Decepticon.
"Hey Bumblebee, whoa cut it out man! You're going to damage my body!" Optimus said, "Jazz, you guys go through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there."
His spark faded away.
"There's no way I'm going through the teleporter again. I've still got this tingle in the back of my... look, dude, I'm just not going back through the teleporter, okay?" Jazz stated.
"But Optimus said for us," Bumblebee began before Jazz interrupted him.
"Yeah, but Optimus didn't think of this!" he threw a grenade through the teleporter, "Come on, let's go!"
Optimus' spark stopped Soundwave from running.
"Alright, hold right there amigo," he said.
The grenade popped out from the other side of the teleporter and landed between Optimus' feet.
Soundwave said something in Cybertronian and kept on running.
"Hey, I said hold it, not run away! You big... Decepticon baby! What the hell? That rock looks just like a grenade... aw crap."
An explosion came as Frenzy was observing it through the sniper rife.
"What in Sam hell is going on out there, Frenzy?" Megatron ordered.
"Sir I think we're under attack! A very sloppy, poorly coordinated attack," he answered.
"How many do ya see?"
"There's two running our way, and another one seems to be- retreating?"
"Oh we'll give them all a reason to retreat. Saddle up, Starscream, let's go rope us some Autobot steer!"
"Woohoo! All right, yeah!" he cheered.
"Yeah!"
Both of them ran down the ramp cheering continuing. Rumble and Frenzy were left alone.
"So... just you 'n' me, hanging out at the base. That's cool," Rumble said.
"Shut up proto," Frenzy replied.
"You think they'll be gone long? Me and Megatron had a great time together."
"Oh my Primus…"
"We talked about all kinds of stuff…"
"I'm not going to sit here and listen to this all day…"
"He showed me a picture of his mother. We talked about home decorating…"
"Are you ever going to shut up?"
"We made macramé ideas…"
"Prima…"
"We shared recipes for soufflés…"
"How did I get stuck in this place?"
"Oh man, it was such a blast! And then we talked about our feelings…"
"Ugh, Primus…"
"And then, we also discussed…"
"Prima…"
"What it was like to be a loner at the Academy…"
"You've got to be kidding me…"
"And, you know, all the kids made fun of us, but we had a really great time…"
"Oh man…"
"I mean Megatron is a really neat person. We talked about his dream the other night…"
"I don't want to listen to this…"
"Where he dreamed, that uh… some shit happened…"
"Why me?"
