Four months later

It had been almost a year and a half since Dean and Cas had seen each other. Castiel hadn't heard from Sam in two months now. He stopped wearing his old Converse that the Winchester's had bought for him, and he stopped re-watching Ghost over and over, trying to get back the feeling he had when he watched it with Dean. But the one thing that remained the same, was the worn white paper that stayed with him everywhere.

Cas had gotten out of the hospital two weeks after the park incident with Sam. Anna had helped him get an apartment a few blocks from the animal shelter where he now worked. He refused to even speak with his family, and so he was all alone.

Castiel kept up a routine that ensured he was busy at all times, with no room to think about Dean or Sam. He worked Monday through Thursday, and during his three day weekend, he would do 'fun' things. To other people, these things would not be considered fun, but to Cas, they were all he had. He would go to the library, or the park, or sometimes he would just walk without direction. Because when you're a twenty-one year old on your own with no car and no college education, that's all you can do.

On this particular Thursday night, after work, Cas sat down on the couch with a cup of tea. It was stormy outside, and for some reason, he had been on edge the whole day. Something in the back of his head told him that he was going to get a visit from Sam tonight. He tried to reason with himself, telling himself that just because he WANTED to see Sam didn't mean he was going to. He was so deep in thought during this that he never heard the knocking on his door, that is, until the door was kicked in.

Sam himself stood just inside the door, "Uh, wow, I'm sorry, you weren't answering, and I thought…something was wrong." He glanced around quickly, then back at the shocked Castiel, who now had tea all over himself.

"Sam !" The reality that he was actually there caught up with Cas, and he jumped up. "There's something-" Sam started to speak, but another voice cut him off.

"Cas." The husky, familiar voice spoke his name as another figure stepped into the room. Cas' eyes roamed from his jean clad bowlegs, to his leather jacket, to his lips, and finally, to his bright sage green eyes. His breath hitched in his throat, and panic rose in his chest. Oh God. He was dead. Somehow he had died on the way home from work…and Sam, that meant he was dead as well. Cas' breath came faster and his hands started to tingle. The room blurred around the edges, and he had to sit down before he passed out. Dean's voice sounded far away, and he couldn't focus on anything other than his own pounding heart. He hadn't had a panic attack in so long, and never this severe. Dean placed his hands over his shoulder, "Cas ?" He turned to Sam "Is he okay ?"

"Dean I don't think you're supposed to get close to someone who is having a panic attack."

"Then what do we do, goddammit ?!" The two bantered on, and Castiel's eyes glazed over. His breathing slowed, but he felt locked inside himself. His movements were like jelly, and his head lolled back slightly. He stared straight ahead, too drained to function normally.

Dean sat down next to him again, a little farther away this time. "Cas….I….What did Sammy tell you ?" Castiel guessed Sam had stepped out of the room to give the two time to talk. Without looking at him "He said you were dead. He didn't say how you died…how did I die ?" Dean furrowed his brow, "You're not dead. I'm not dead. No one here is dead." He could see now that Cas was very confused, and it pained him to know he was causing so much trouble for him. He began to think he never should have disrupted Castiel's new life. He had everything Dean wanted- he got out after being sucked into the hunter lifestyle. Cas was doing so much better before Dean came back, and now…. "I wasn't dead, Castiel….it's complicated. I was away, okay ?" He tried to think of a good way to explain it that would protect Cas from the truth. "You didn't want me anymore ? Why didn't you come for me ? Why did Sam tell me you were dead ?" The questions flew out of Cas' mouth before he could filter them. "I don't understand." He turned to face Dean, his steel blue eyes pleading. "Of course I want you. I want you." Dean gritted his teeth, then softened his voice. "I'll always want you."

"I can't explain right now okay ? I just can't." He looked at the tea spilled all over Cas' clothes. "Let's go get you cleaned up." Cas lead the way to his bedroom, where he stripped off his shirt first. He was turned around when he felt Dean's hands tentatively slide over his sides. He leaned back into the embrace, unable to deny him. It had been too long.

Dean pushed Cas back onto the bed gently, then straddled him a bit more forcefully. He craved touch, and passion, because he needed to forget his time in Purgatory. Castiel's hand came up to graze Dean's face. He leaned upward and kissed his lips softly, and as he pulled away, Dean captured his lips once more. His hands tugged on Cas' short dark locks as always, and then one moved down to his waist. Cas shifted and leaned back so that Dean was hovering over him, and – all at once, the passionate kissing stopped. Dean's hunger for THAT kind of intimacy subsided, and all of a sudden, what he wanted more than anything in the world was just to be curled up next to Cas. He wanted to feel safe, to know Cas was safe, and to be normal, for just one minute.

He wanted to forget.


Cas rolled over, his hands brushing against something warm in the bed. Someone else was there with him. He propped himself up on his elbow, peering at the body beside him. He almost felt like he was dreaming when he realized it was Dean. But then the memories of the day came flooding back, and he recalled everything that had happened. Dean reappearing, them kissing, them cuddling, them laying down to bed together. This was the only other time they'd slept in the same bed since that night in the motel when Cas had gotten scared. That seemed so long ago now…things had been so different then. Now it was almost two years later…it was hard to believe.

Castiel laid back down, one question still weighing on his mind. What did Dean mean by 'I'll explain later' ? Where had he been that required so much explanation ? So much so, that it was easier to say he was dead ? Dean shifted in his sleep, and his arm slung involuntarily over Cas. It comforted him- it didn't matter where Dean had been, it mattered that he was HERE, now. They were both free, and they were both here, together.

Cas woke up alone, and he had to admit, that stung. But when he smelled breakfast cooking, he perked up. When he wandered into the kitchen, both Winchester brothers were there; Sam at the table with a mug of coffee, and Dean at the stove- wearing Castiel's apron.

Dean didn't get to cook often, but he secretly enjoyed doing so, as it made him feel like a normal suburban guy. And he would take whatever slice of apple pie life he could get. He watched as a sleepy Cas shuffled into the small kitchen, and he set his breakfast plate in front of him proudly. He noted his blue eyes darting around the plate full of scrambled eggs, Canadian bacon, and sausage, and saw approval in his eyes. Deep down inside, Dean knew he was just trying to make up for lost time, any way he could. He would spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to Castiel.

Cas wasted no time in shoveling food into his mouth- breakfast was his favorite. The eggs brought back a few bad memories for both of them, but even that couldn't bring them down from the high they were on. Sam noticed it to- the way they were looking at each other. It had him itching to get out of the house before they jumped each other's bones right on the kitchen table. The first time they kissed that morning, he just quietly slipped out the door unnoticed.

Dean threw his apron down, coming to settle on the couch with Cas again. It felt like they would be doing this their whole lives- going to sleep together, waking up and eating breakfast together, and more. It just felt…right.

Dean cooked again later that night, dinner for the two of them. Sam had gone out yet again, this time to look for a semi-permanent residence for the two of them, for the time being. He figured they could take a break from hunting for a while. Sam thought that maybe, just maybe, he could sit back and let his brother get a slice of that apple pie life they both so desperately craved. Cas hummed as Dean cooked, the two of them cozy in the dim lighting of the kitchen. "Sonofabitch!" Dean swore, yanking his hand back and holding his finger. Cas saw the blood before Dean could hide it- he had sliced his hand while chopping vegetables. He jumped up, "Lemme see. LEMME SEE." He pushed Dean's other hand away, grimacing at the wound. "Here, let me help." He flashed back for a brief moment, to when he had tended to the cut on Dean's forehead all that time ago. He got a damp washcloth and dabbed at the wound. His finger brushed over it, and the wound disappeared. Both men stopped. "Wha…" Dean trailed off, mouth open as he stared at his now healed skin. He looked to Cas for answers. "How did you ? Cas ?" Castiel was just as shocked as Dean, if not more. Did this make him special, or even more of a freak ? Did they both just imagine that ? He had to find out for sure. He grabbed the nearby knife, taking a step back when Dean made a reach for it. "Cas, no." His voice was stern, and his eyes hardened. He could tell what his boyfriend was about to do. "Dean, we have to find out," Cas told him in that calm voice of his. Before Dean could stop him, he rolled up his sleeve and made a small slice on his forearm. He reached his other hand over the wound, and suddenly, it was gone. There was no sign that there had been a blemish in the first place.

Cas dropped the knife in surprise, he hadn't actually thought it was going to happen again. Truth be told, he had been hoping he was going to prove it had just been a fluke. "Dean, what just happened ?" Dean shrugged, his mouth still open. "How did you…what are you ?" The stung Castiel- he was human, or course ! Why would Dean even imply that he would be something supernatural ? Inside, Castiel couldn't help but wonder how appalled his boyfriend must be at dating something that might be one of the very things he's spent his whole life hunting.