Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals
Chapter 8: Adultnap and Rescu
Beginning AN:
After the longest span of time between updates (two entire months, rather than just one), I have finally brought this fan fic back from the grave, only to upload two chapters before putting it back again from another month.
Don't worry, even though season 3 is only two chapters long, they (or at least the first one) are quite lengthy chapters, as the size of your scroll bar on this page may indicate.
Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass werewolf. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!
CHAPTER VIII
It was the ZERO SECONDS since chapter 7 ended. (again zero seconds joke.)
"Well?" Intega askes suspishosly.
Carl grinned. "We just having SEX!"
"WIHT THE EMENY?" Integra raged. "Listen Carl, I may like you, but if you keep FUCKING UP i will fire you to the out of job!"
She ten turned to the rest. "Now get to the bed and sleap. We ned to no about the Milenium for next misson. O and btw, you too girls" She pontyes at Rip and Zoren. "Are now part of the Hecksing. Welcome to Hecksing!"
"BUT WAT BOUT THE MILLONIUM'S VAMPERS?" Seras asked. "CUZ I CAN LEEP OUT RIT NOW AND TEAR THERE SPINIES OUT THER ASS!"
"No. that just a distaction. get to sleap, AND FOR THE LOVE OF MY GOD NOT ON MY BED! IN SERES KOFFIN!"
So they ran to Serases room! (Naked!)
Then Intergra flipped off the covers and saw that ther was semen on it "Aw gros!" And the seaman spelled out... HECKSING which turned into the title above (like w/ blood in the OVAS)
(Coffin)
THE NEXT DATY, it was almost sunset. Integra got out the 4 from Serass cofin and they were crammed and naked.
"THIS IS THE WORST SLEAP I HAD HAVE!" Carl bitched.
Integra had no tolorencio for this bullcrap. "I was up all DAY (get dit vampires are nocternal and not dayternil?) adn went through the pockets of Rips cannon suit and fond THIS!" She then showed ther Hecksings a papper, and the camra closed in on it to show da plan!
Integra read off it. "MILLENNIUM ARE GO TO KIDNAP THE PRESEDENT OF THE UNITED KINGDOMS OF LONDNO... MAYOR QUIMBY!"
Carl looked undispleased. "Rip? You no about this?"
Rip bloshed. "Oh yeah. The Captain and I were supposed to go on this secret mission. It involved time travel and other confusing stuff. But when I saw your hot body, I just... forgot about the entire deal."
Zoren was, "H0W C0ME I N0 KN0W 0F THIS?"
Rip was, "Sorry. It's so secret that only I, the Captain, and our leader know of it."
Integra was not the one to back off freom job. "Well Carl, i think you should go on the mishon to try to reddeem yourself for bein a thoutless perv. I meen, what if Rip and Zorien just kiled you rigthe there?"
Rip shurgged. "It's true."
Then there was somon behind Intergra! It looked like the Master Cheff from Halo 3!
"This is the Masta Chef from Halo 2." Said Integra. "I hierd him as reproducment of Alucard in my trip to NYC. He hired atfer killin Jiant Myutant Homero Simpson-kun. NOW GET TO MISSIN OR I WIL FIRE YOU!"
Cheef locked at the rest of the Hecksings. "Four vampires? 3 of them hot chiks? This is gonna be SWEAT!"
(At the fansy town meeting playce)
Limo drived up to red carpet. Carl and Quimby was in back seet (but not doing sexuel aktivity I no homophobe (i mayde flanders and anderson gay afterall) but CARL IS NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!)
"Hi um im your bodygard for the awards cuz a evil groop called the Mollennium is atempt to kidnap you before during or after you give this important speech."
"em a um, HOT DAM THAT SONDS DANGEROS!" He wasaid in curropt accent.
Carl nodded. "Yep. Its like they sed in Family Guy, with grate power comes the grate responsibiblity." Carl was also a littel smart.
"em a um, wow i never new being the presedent is so much stress!"
"Hey though, by my ecalcuations, you must be getting a lot of laid."
"er a um, sorry no, i am but a virgin still. er a um, :("
"Aw come on! That's no way to have a job! the first thing I did with my job as a rockstar was... well, let's just say that it kept me from being inceptioned! And less than a week ago I juoined Hecksing, a day ago I stole three people's virginity! Trust me, a job and the sex at the job can save you."
"er a um, you're right. er a um, now i feel better and can do my job!"
"Ok let me get out to check for snipers. Except since the plan wan't to kill you, they could be having transquilizers. I have to be prepared after all, that's wy they say I'm smart. Also I'm familiar with things that make you pass out since I am a big druggeo."
Then Carl camed out, but the door was otto-closed!
"er a um, WAT THE FUCK IS THE MEAN OF THIS?" Qimby ragerd.
"HALLO THERE MY NAM IS THE CAPTAN AND I AM A PART OF THE MILENNIUMM I WAS ZUMMONED BY THE LEEDER TO KIDNAP YU AS A MISHON AND WELL DO BAD STUFF SO THIS MIT HURT OK BUT ALONGWITH ME R MY PARTER FOR NOW NAMMED WALTER. RIP WAS AT ONE POYNTE MY PARTER BUT SHE TURNED TO THE OTHER GAIS THEY NOW GOOD BUT WE BAD AND NOW THAT GOODGUY IS GONE WE CAN RELLY SCREW U OVER SORRY BU T THE EXPERIENSE IS NOT GONNA BE GOOD. :("
"er a um, fuck. er a um, YOU PEEPOL ARE NOT GOING TO COITUS ME R U?"
Walter was in the dirvers seat, wile Captan in passengers! "Ew no... by the way for those curious like George this is the partner list: Jan and Luke the brothers, Card Guy and Card Boy the other ones left, Riup and Zorin are the only women, and Captain and I sinec he trains me in fighting... smehow and I guide him to the smarts, but this is a hard thing to do, and the last two who are secrets are leaders. The main man and righ-hand. It's like Akatstki from Naruto in the pairs of teams, and by the way Captain was originaly with Rip before we - Zorin and me - were both hired, and thought sicne Rip was acting dumber now for some reason and Captain was already dum, this would be for the worse if the idiots were in a team, so we needed saners to watch over them."
Then car limo drove off, and Carl was chase to cach up! "No! I was almost got fired! I dont wanna loze job alreddy!"
in the ccar, Captain and Walter was talcking.
"So whats the planer?" Walter butler assked. "I not here for the meeting with you rip and leeder so i no know."
"THIS IS RELLY A TIM CAR. WE MUST CACH THE LITNING TO GO BACK IN TIME WITH IT AND INTO THE WORLD WAR DOS, WERE WE DECRAPITATE THE PRESIDENT AND GET ALL THE GOODGUYS TO SHURRENDER BY SHOWING THEM THE HED OF PRESEDENT! THEN IN THE FUTURE WHITCH I GESS IS THE NOW TIME IN PRESENT RITE HERE RIT NOW WE WILL BE WORLD TAKEN OVER AT NAZI LAND! THAN NO ALUCARD OR HECKSING EXIST SO WE CAN HAVE NO MILENIUM DETHS AND CARD GUY AND RIP AND LUEK ARE BACK WITH US AND WE CAN PLAY STRIP POKER LIKE WE ALWAYS DO. :) BUT YAN WILL BE THERE AND THAT IS BAD SENSE HE IS A BIT OF A PRICK. :( ZORIN TOO SHE'S MEAN. :("
But Carl got out his gitar and sonic waved the a car tyre so it was flat and the car missed the lightning! So Captain got out, bit quimby's sides, and was the turn in wolf that Walter was riding on! And then we flew to the Millennium's hideout!
"ARGH!" Then he notisxed someone with a scooter. And nocked him off it.
"HAY! THAT NOT NICE!"
"Sorry," Said the Carling, "Im part of Hecksing and I do this to SAVE TEH PRESEDENT!"
"o ok then."
(Hecksing Manor)
Integra was back at Seras coffin.
"GAYS I NEED YOU CARL FUCKED AUP AGAIN can you go there to the milenniums hideaway im sure Zoran and Rip will lead you there Also but Master Cheef is joining you." Integra saided.
They aggreed. Nodding in head.
"COOL!" MC cried, "THERE GET SOME NEW BLOOD WITH ME... AND SOME NEW MEAT IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! I ALREADY LOVE THIS JOB!"
(Captain n Walter)
Captan was fling with Walter on his back and Quimby in mowth.
"sey," Says the Captan (HE NO TOCK IN CAPS RIGHT NOW?) "What makks you wy want to become president if all the response you will ned to do the job?"
"er a um, I COULD GET LAID AND PAID AT THE SAME TIME IMAGEN THAT! er a um, FUCK YEAR THAT RIMES AND I DIDN'T MEAN IT TOO!"
"WELL I THICK THAT THAT IS A BAD REESON AND A LITTEL SEXIEST AND-"
Walter then gotten a new plan. "Hay, stop it. You no wanna talk wileist the president is in moth or elce you mit drop him."
"O OK GOOD IDEA MAN."
Walter laffed to himself that he can shtu teh captan up.
(In Font Of the hide!)
Carl steped down into the Grand Cannon were his folowings of Captan told him to be. He then he went doun into it until he got to a rivir at the bottem.
He hid behinde a rock sticking out cuz he haz the stelth skills Nd saw the milenium go to a BIG rock with a sin saying "Go away. Ther nothin here." and they both did Naruto handsins.
"ROCK MOVE NO JUTSU!" Both Captan and Walter scrammed.
Then the BICK rock with the sine on it moved up, and the 2 walked in. Captain went back to humen form. When they inned the cave, hologam of leader waaz there.
"how it go?" He asking.
Walter laffed. "Ha ha ha i told them i no Millennium AND THEY BELIFFED ME!"
"AND I THE GOD FITER AS EVAR BEFORE BUT UM CAN YOU TRY TO GET RIP BACK IN DIS PLASE AGAN I RELLY RELLY MISS HER EVEN IF IT WAS ONLY A DAY SENCE SHE LEFFT. ):("
Leedergram laffed. "Exsilent. Doc, Catboy and I are attempt to make a AWSOME preoject after this mishon. It planned to be last, CUZ IF WE SUCKCEED, THE WORLD IS ARES!"
Carl gasped! But not without losing his hiddin sense he is acros the river he can keep a good hear from his good eers and can stil hid very wello even in shcok.
Walter was then the notise. "Wate Wate Wate. Captain, what the hell is that smily?"
"IT IS A HYPERBOLA FROWN IT MENS I AM EXTRA SAD."
They got in (Captan carrieing Quimby). Carl try to run in, but the rock fell!
"Aw fuck, now i fire for shure!"
But tehn he herda familar, lovliey voyse...
"Argh! Dammit, that's the second time I feel into this river this week, and the third time that these clothes became wet and see-through! Great Pikmin Fan!"
"Rip?" Carl truned.
"Yes?"
"What you doing her?"
"Oh. Seras, Zorin, the Master Chief, and I were assigned to join you in this mission in case you fail. I... I thought Integra's orders underestimated you a little, personally."
"Well the open just clozed up on my and i wanna go in to SAVE THE PRESIDINT!"
"Actually, getting in is quite easy. All you have to do is a simple ninjutsu technique. Here, I'll show you-"
"No thnx rip babe. I know it cuz i sawcopyd it."
Then the five team of them had linned up, and Carl did the jutsu? WART THEY SAW INSIDE WAS SHOCK!
(In hideout)
A WHILE BEFFOR THAT, Captan droped Mayor Quimby for the Walter Butler to take (and Walter said, "Geez thnx for the leaving me with him")
Hologram of leder said, "GUIS TAKE A HAITUS FROM WORK ON THE ULUMATE WEPON ND COME HERE FOR THE EXPERMENT OF PLAN B WHER WE take out mayors blood and use it as valuble wepon! NOW WERES THE CAPTAIN?"
Bu tthe Captan was lookin for musik to danse to! On the radio!
"NO! WHITE SONG! I NO LIKE WITE MUSIC!" He changed it. "NO NOT MOAR WITE MUSIC!" Thren he tuned it to Family Affair (2001) plays!
"A. THAT MUCH BETTERER! :)" Then he dansed!
"HAY!" screemed leedersprite. "CAPTAIN,. GET THE HELL BACK HER! THIS IS IMPORTANTT! WE DONT HAEV LESS TIME SINCE LUKE, CARDGUY, JAN ARE DED AND RIP ND ZORIN ARE NOT IN ANYMORE!"
"O OK BUT CAN I LISSEN TO THIS ON MY IPOD?"
"Shur."
":)"
And then the Hecksings came! But it was two late,, Milenum had alreddy made a giant stoner hand which Quimby was on palm, and the everyon else (holograms or reel) was on the fingers. And there was beem of light on Quimby the President Major, draning blood from him and movin it to Walter! Walter had hansines and sad, "CHAKRA STRINGS NO JUTSU!" Then his strings linkes to the blood from Mayor!
"Hay!" Shoted Cral.
Captan lokked at Rip and smilled. "HAY RIP LONGTIME NO SE MABEY I CAN CONVINSE YOU TO GO BACK TO MILENIUM LIKE OLD TIMES IT MAY BE DIFFENT WITH NO CARDGUY OR LUKE BUT WE CAN STIL SMOKE JJOINTES LIK WE DID BAKC WEN WE WAS COLLAGE ROOMATES! :)" He than held out a marawana stick, but Walter looked at him like mad and slaped the back of hed.
"DO YOU NOT GERT IT? THEY GODGUYS NOW! WE HAZ TO FITE THEM!"
":("
Then the leader gram was all "Uh o..." And then the stone hands vanished in ninja poof! Holgram continue. "Walter, Captain, both of jew get this." Then the grahms vanished!
Captain had, "I MUST TAKE THIS BODIE WAWAY TO FINISH THIS." Then he turned to wolf form and flewies off!
Carl "NO! I MUST GET MAYOR BACK OR GET FIRED IF I FALE! Also some guy dies too that's also bad. I must save him... for the him! and for the me too, becauaee then I can still be in the same group with Seras Rip and Zorin you guys, and we can have the sex."
Then he run. Master chef runs to.
So theer it was just the girls and Walter.
"Ahhh hahaha." Walter said. "1 reel Hecksing nd 2 traders vs 1 trader. IS THIS THE IRONY?"
"N0!" Zorin scrammed, "Fuuuuuuuuck yoooooooouuuuuuuu! 1 W1LL K1LL Y0U D3D Y0U s0n 0f 4 81tCh!"
Then she trys to inseption him!
"Hay im back trying to work oin Hecksing? No1 This is kjust metaphor!"
Then he did more handsings, and said, "SEE WITHOUT EIES NO JUTSU!"
And then, like in the animes, background blacked out and we only saw Walter. Then in the black in cool way, slow motion, Zorin was trying to clos in to slash with him!
"HA HA AH I SE YOU!"
Then he youzed the blood from Quimby and puppettrolled it into a fist to punch out Zorin's lits! It puntched her so hard in face that her fase was smashed and the blood first went thru the face and it wa just hole (but not takkin off ther was stil skin around it and hare)
"ZOREN! JU WEN I WAS ABOT TO COME COOL WITHYOU!" Seras scrammed.
Rp didnt sem to care. "Eh, she insults me and the Captain. She isn't as bad as Jan, but I can't say I miss her."
"GRR MANIUM! I WIL KILL THE ALLS OF YOU! I VILL VOMIT ASSID FROM MY STOMIC ON YOUR FASE AND WILE IT BURNS ILL TER OUT YOUR STOMIC AND BURN YOU WITH IT!"
"Seras, calm down. Anger isn't going to get us anywhere. I know this guy; I used to work with him. My charms won't work, and he may be skilled enough to take out my bullet, but he isn't invincible like Alucard."
Seras got wizeass fase. "Well if Als inivincible, wy he ded?"
Rip got mad fase. "Because Jan cheated! Just like how he did with me."
"HAHAHA I THOT BLONDIES WAS SUPOSED TO BE DUM. YOUR A BLUE-HAIR."
"Look! If we keep playing around like this, we'll end up dead and faceless like Zorin! Listen, I've heard that if a vampire has sex with another, they gain special, 'secondary' abilities in addition to thier old, 'primary' ones. First of all, do you have a primary ability after your level up from drinking Carl's blood and vampirizing him? I got my bullet control once I had my first drop of blood, and Zorin got her illusion powers the same way."
"uHHH,,,"
Tehn Seres shot and the yellow bulet had yelow lit and zig-zagged round.
"This count?"
"Well... that's the same as my primary ability. But there's still a chance that we have different secondary abilities. First, try channeling raw chakra into your bullet and see if something happens."
(Carl Cheeb Captain (LOL all cS!))
Captan was flying, but Carlcheef had to jump Naruto style akross the tre branches in the cannon walls!
"HA HA HA YOU CANOT CACH UP W/ ME CUZ I AM A GOD FITER! HYPERBOLA SMIL! (:)"
Carl growled like dog. Then he turned to Madda Chef.
"Why you come her? THIS IS PERSONEL AND DEELSS WITH ME, ONER, DIGNATY, AND JOB NOT FIREING! and some guy's life I don't evvn know about."
"I HAD WORK?" he anshrews.
"ok"
(THAT WAS FUCKING BORING. NOW IN CAVE.)
The bullets werre flying they was a blue won and a yelow one.
Both Rip and Seras did the handsines thingy and focusesd CHAKRA onto it!
Buit then Serases vbulllets asploded and rips duplicat!
"Okay, so while we have the same primary powers, we do not have the same secondary powers. Now, Seras, listen carefully. I think I can form a plan with your explosions and my multiplying."
"NO! FUCK THAT! I JUST KILL ATLL THE NATSIS!"
"Hey! I was once with them too, you know!"
"oOps sawwy."
"HMM? WAT IS THE MEAN IOF THIS?" Walter rajed.
Then a yellow Seras bullet flew around him. "OOOO purty..."
But then it BLEU (oh whate, that wuld be funnier if it Rip) up! "HAY THAT NO NIECE!"
But then, bloo bullet!
"HAHAHA RIP I NO THAT YOU SO I ACAN JUST CUT IT QITH CHAKRA STRINGS!"
Then he silced it in haff! "hehehe look at wat I just cot. I just cot you, Rip Van wink-"
But then, 2 blue bullets!
"HEHEHE you thick you just youze MACHINE GUN givin from Zoren to multishot me? Well i'll tell you wat, yep, I CAN STRINGS ARE BETER THEN BULLETS!"
But then they multiply x2 into 4. Then to 8. Then to 16. 32, 64, 128!
"Oh fuck."
BOOM!
(that wez the bullets all 128 of them zigzag then going strate to Walter at the same time)
Then the blud from Quimby dropped to growned and was just useles blood. Walter was DED.
(Those other guys)
Captan had taken rest on a plaltform at the sides. Ther was grass and it half forest too.
"I THICK I GOT FAR FROM THEM. I SHULD SINCE I AM, AFTERTARALL, A GOOD FITER."
But Carl and Chef climbs up!
"Ha! An tru good figter dos not give up!" Carl says.
Captain dorpped Quimy from his sholgers (which he moved after flying to top and the removel of his wolf form)
"I'M AM SORY BUT YOU CNT HURT ME I WHEREWOLF I INVISIBIBEL TO ANYTHIG BUT SILVER SO YO MITE GIVE UP I MEEN I AM THE GOODEST FIHGTER OF THEM ALL ACSEPT MABEY RIP SHES ALSO KOOL SHES MY BESTIE SO SHE CAN GET SECOND TEER LIST WILE I AM GOD TEER."
Chief looked at gun. "Oh uh good thig i brout sliver bullets for my gun today."
And then he shot and killed Captain. Carl rushes to Quimby.
"MAJOR! YOU OK?"
"er a um, I LOSYT SO MUCH BLOOD I DO'NT THINK I..."
He passed out!
"NO!" Carl yells. "I must... um... GET TO HOSHITIL!"
"BUT HOW? WE FAR AWAY FROM THE UKOL!" Cheef screaemed.
(AN i did not know at first that GC was all the way in USA i thot it was in Germany so this is ret dcon and lets just say that carl's scoter stollen had rocket jets)
Then, big Daved Haselhof appers!
"Who r you?" Carl asks.
"im Dave Hass. And im FUCKING HUJE!"
"HAY!" Carl worys. "I STUDYS THE SUPERNATRAL CREETURES. YOUR NOT A MUTANT THAT GOT BIG AETING OTHER HUMANS R U?"
"No i just eating mushrooms."
Cpatian's actor ssat up from playing ded.
"KIDS DONT EET WILD MUHROOMS THAT YO FIND IT CULD MAKE YOU STONED OR KILL YOU." Thn he went back to played Ded Captain.
"NOW HOP ON!" Daved Hasshloff shoted. He lays on belly and let Captain and Chef clim. Then DH jumped into the river of GC and swam out to the oshin. But wait Carl jumped back off and then brabbed Quimby's deadinging body, and super vampier jumped back on too saying "Oops, I almost forgot this fatass."
(CAVe)
Suddenl, Walters corpse had cammed back as angle! He looked the same ony with a some light around him, and big dove-wings.
"Remember wen I said i was also named Angel of death? Ya well gess what, IM RELLY A ANGEL!"
But then Integra drove in an accent ran him over.
"Gert in! Now!" Then she gotta frown of worry.
So they got in, and Integra drove off don the rocks of the GrandC. But then a CopCar was ther, and it arrested them!
Integra looks at speed. "Wate we we're not going over speedlimit..."
Cop, (Chef Wiggam), was saiying that "UH... GOING TOOO FAST IS ILLEGAL?"
"Hm..." Integra ponderz, "Somethigs not write here..."
(oh and rips close r STILL c-thru from the water earlier in eipsode)
(Oshin)
While stil ridin on David Haselholf, the Hecksing Gang had seen the ruins of the aircraft carreer (AN it was acally closer to USA then UKL this is the plot important later)
"Aw Al's ded." Carl took a note. "ANd yet, THA TANK IS STIL FLOATING OPN WATER! WHAT?"
"IT'S FLOATING ON SHEER AWESOMENESS, BECAUSE IT'S A BIGASS SHIP AND I LIKE BIG THINGS!" the Chief said. "like butts and i cannot lie"
But then a peese of carrer was lift. It was Jan Valtime, with his roboarm rebilt and youzing jets of rockets on it to fly up in aire! He then droped it onto the water and sflew with robojets to DH"S back. (he also had no hat and his eies r all blodshots)
Carl study him. "Hey are you the guy who fucked Alucard?"
"Ya I killed him."
"I NEW IT! I SAW ON TEH CATBOYS TV!"
"NAD NOW I KILL YOU!"
Then he got sowrds out of his roboarms. Toxxic sords!
"Watte wate wate I thot you dead."
"Oh. well see my roboarm had a sheelds that perverts damaje. I then spent the next time with it otto-rebilding feeture till it heeled. Till then, I stuck at botom of oshin till i can get out. AND NOW I OUT, YOU WILL DAED!"
cARL WAs scarred but then Carl was CONFIDINCE and got his guitar and SONIC WAVED HIM dead! Through the chest.
"No!" SCArl screemed. "I wil not die! Chef, lissen up: Zorin, Seres, Rip, you, I , and Integra wil turn this war around. Alreddy I can no that team Ripseraszorin have killed the Walter Trader (treaders make me sick... Yuck!) WITH NO DEATHS FROM THEM! Toghether the 5 of us will WIN AGANST NAZISZ!
"Ya!" Cheaf screems. "FUCK YEAH! FUCK YEAH! WE'LL WIN LIKE FRAT BOYS? Thios is Sprta?"
Carl looked doun. "Say Hasselman, how much time tilll we get to UKL?"
"3 yeers."
"3 YEERS? IS THAT EVEN POSSIMPLE?"
"HAHAHA I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU. IT ONLY 3 OWERS."
"o hok. Sense this all began early in night we should dhave the time before day so we won't BURN."
The MC looked at Quimby.
"Uh... I don't thick he looks so good..."
Carl had said, "MAQUIMBY YOU ALIVE?"
"em a um, I CANTNOT MAKE IT!"
Carl looked wories. 3 owers was not enuff to time to give him time to live so...
He vamper bite him! Quimby came back!
"er a um, SWET I VAMPER NOW!"
Then Carl gave cool look into the direcshon DH was hedding. and gave col pose. "I swear. 1 by 1, these Nazis will all go down."
Closing AN:
Well, this was certainly an odd thing to write for Valentines Day...
Anyway, I had to rush the last part of this chaper, so expect a few changes made here once I get to the final season. (Update: That sentence might be outdated I don't know.) And the only reason why I made this a Valentines Day special is because of the whole Valentine Brothers connection. And to give myself a date to publish this.
So, here's up to season three, which is quite possibly the shortest season of anything I will write!
