Paradox of Nihilism

Tempest In A Teapot

Thursday was much calmer. And if she ignored Hirako-san trying to sneak his hand up her skirt, it was almost normal. Unfortunately, she had the feeling that was about to become the norm for her.

Friday, on the other hand, was even worse than Wednesday. Friday was the comprehensive test for what they'd learned in Unit 2. Exam days were always bad for Misao. Her classmates were nervous and panicking (especially the ones that were unprepared), and she typically spent the majority of the day feeling nauseous due to their emotional contamination. Normally, she would finish her test as quickly as she could manage, calmly ask to go to the bathroom, and throw up until she felt well enough to go back.

Unfortunately, Misao had forgotten about one thing: she had Morimatsu Kanna and Minami Sagomaru in her class.

Kanna and Sagomaru were both acute sufferers of a condition commonly known as 'test taker's anxiety'. Extreme sufferers. So extreme, in fact, that Kanna and Misao both had to excuse themselves an hour before the test to go to the bathroom. Misao got rid of her breakfast and Kanna spent twenty minutes in complete tears.

She was unusually pale when she returned. "Are ya okay?" Shinji asked her, light brown eyes examining her a little more closely than she'd like. "Ya aren't lookin' so good, Misao-chan. Should I take ya ta the nurse?"

"No," she said evenly. "We have a test to take."

He looked like he wanted to say something, but for once, he kept his mouth shut.

Good boy. I may be able to train you yet.

Sagomaru was hyperventilating by the halfway mark, which meant that Misao was trying not to hyperventilate. Shinji stared at her anxiously. "I think ya really need ta go ta the nurse, Misao."

His concern made her head swim and she opened her mouth to tell him to wipe that stupid look off of his face. The words never came out. She and Sagomaru lost consciousness at the same moment. He ended up slumped against the arm of his neighbor's chair and Shinji had to catch Misao by the shirt before she cracked her head against the wall. He didn't wait for Amizu-sensei to tell him it was okay – Shinji scooped her up and was headed out the door before most of the class had even realized more than one person passed out.

"She fainted during a test." he panted to the nurse. She gestured for him to leave her on one of the plastic-covered beds. They made her as comfortable as possible and the nurse determined that Misao was not in serious medical danger. She went off to phone Shoka – standard procedure for a student who had lost consciousness in class but was not in need of immediate medical attention.

He sat there, humming 'God Bless the Child' and absently drawing designs on the back of her arm with his fingertips. "So stupid," he sighed, brushing stray strands of hair from her face. "Were ya gonna sit there bein' sick an' say nothin'? I woulda helped ya, darlin'."

She exhaled gently and groaned. Maybe she could still sense emotions while in an unconscious state. He smiled slightly, taking her hand. "Yer kinda cute when ya don't have that masked expression on."

She wrinkled her nose. "Hmmm."

He laughed quietly, kissing her palm. "Ya always wanna argue with me…"

Misao woke up before the end of the school day.

She stirred slightly. She felt someone's hand on her leg. It was the same hand she usually felt trying to crawl underneath her skirt, but this time it was firmly squeezing her knee. He managed to make even that feel dirty. Sleepily, Misao said "Hirako-san, are you trying to molest me while I sleep?"

She heard his soft laughter. "Is thatta question or a request?"

She opened her eyes and they stared at each other. "Would you like me to scream rape now and save us the time or shall we draw it out?"

His brown eyes widened. "Was that? Could it be? Did-did I just detect a sense of humor in you, Misao-chan?"

"Ha ha," she replied tonelessly. "Is the test almost over now?"

"The school day is almost over now," Shinji replied cheerfully. "The nurse had ta go home. I promised ta stay an' look after ya."

She cringed and stood up. "Damn it!"

He yanked her back down to the bed. "Yer grades are good enough ta miss half a day. Calm down. I ain't lettin' ya go just ta faint again before we go home."

She sighed deeply in resignation. "As long as we get out of here on time," she agreed, shifting on the bed. "Did the nurse call Shoka?"

He smirked. "Yeah. He was about ta have a panic attack an' faint like ya did, but I calmed him down a bit. The nurse thinks I'm yer boyfriend now." He adopted a high-pitched, feminine way of speaking. "You make such a sweet young couple! So cute! Why are ya so anxious ta get outta here taday?"

"It's Friday." she answered vaguely.

He raised his eyebrows. "What – ya gotta hot date tanight? Is he better lookin' than me, darlin'?"

"No, I don't have a date. I meet Yuzu and Karin down the street on Fridays," she replied distractedly. "I have coffee and help them with their homework."

"So…this is like…yer version of socializin'," he deduced slowly. "Yeah, okay. We'll go ta the shop with yer little girlfriends an' ya can talk about…advanced physics or hot guys or whatever it is ya talk about."

"Ah, no." Misao said sharply. "You are going to go back to the warehouse and…watch porn, or whatever it is you do when you're not stalking me. I am going to go down the street and have coffee with Yuzu and Karin until six like I do every Friday."

Shinji was giving her a strange stare.

"What?" she demanded, actually feeling a twinge of anger. She hated it when people stared at her. It made her feel like she was the attraction at a circus.

"That's the way it is with ya, ain't it?" He was still staring at her in that infuriating way. "Ya go through yer routine like clockwork an' never do anything ta deviate from yer schedule. I already know ya eat the same lunch everyday an' walk to an' from school the same way. I bet ya get dressed in the same order every single mornin' an' eat the same breakfast, too. Ya get perfect grades and yer uniform is always pristine. I'll bet ya do yer chores on the same day of the week, dontcha? I'll bet yer house is as clean as a hospital, am I right?"

It was scary how right he was. What would have been even scarier was that, it was worse than he thought. She ate the same seven dinners each week, folded the laundry with precision the military would have envied, and never, ever missed a single day of school. She was never sick – because she being sick was not in Shiori Misao's schedule – and she never did anything that wasn't planned a week in advance. Shoka had expressed dismay about this several times, but like his Visored problem, he didn't have the knowledge or the resources to do anything about it.

She stared back at him blandly. "So?"

"What do ya mean 'so'?" Shinji demanded. "Do ya live at all, Misao?"

"That's what I'm doing right now, isn't it?" Her tone actually contained something like a snarl. Controlled Misao was getting a little testy. "I'm fairly certain that's what it means when the air moves in and out of my lungs like this."

"No, darlin', that's not livin', that's existing," he said patiently. "Are ya happy at all? How can ya stand ta be this way?"

It was almost the same thing she thought whenever she was near Ichigo. How can he stand to be this way? "My emotions – or lack thereof – have nothing to do with you, Hirako-san," she said coldly, getting up and preparing to storm off. "Do not presume to tell me how I feel."

Now that just pissed him off.

Shinji blocked her way and for that one moment they faced each other, she actually looked mad enough to try hitting him. But he stopped whatever she could have possibly done, because that was when he kissed her.

He didn't do it nicely, either. It was no chaste, sweet first kiss he gave her. His tongue darted through Misao's slightly parted lips, his piercing scraping against her teeth and making her whole mouth taste like metal. Like blood. Her only reaction was clenching her fist in the front of his shirt. Her mind tried valiantly to instruct her body to shut down and disconnect. It might have worked, too, but she forgot to factor in Shinji's dogged persistence.

He realized she was trying to block the whole experience out and growled into her mouth with frustration.

Upon further reflection, he realized that his next action probably changed the whole course of their relationship.

Without breaking the kiss, he shoved her into the nearest wall and kneaded her bottom with both hands, forcing her up and against him so that she instinctively wrapped her legs around his waist to keep herself from falling, putting their crotches in direct contact. His body was against her and his lust was inside her, raging wildly through her body.

One hand was around his shoulders, holding tight, and the other was tangled through his golden hair. For once, she wasn't in complete control. What was scarier was that, she didn't know if she actually hated that...

He kept his hands firmly on her ass and used his weight to press her into the wall, grinding against her fiercely as he ravaged her mouth. Her lips responded to him, slowly, hesitantly, but she was responding.

She whimpered into him, the arm around his shoulders tightening, and something inside him snapped.

Their lips separated and Shinji's mouth came down on the juncture between her neck and shoulder. Her skin tasted like something sweet and flowery, something he half-remembered, as though from a dream. Strong teeth sank into the flesh hard – hard enough to leave evidence. The hand in his hair tightened, long nails scraped his scalp, and Misao cried out into the stark space of the white, cold office. That cry would stay with him for a long, long time – because it was a pure, uncalculated sound of honest emotion. It contained something from her that was unrestrained and beautiful. And she could deny it later, but she arched into him. For one moment, her pelvis was grinding back against him, her breasts rubbed against his chest, and her hands drew him into her.

Her whole body was trying to join his whole body.

Misao's face was to the ceiling and her eyes were closed. For those few seconds, she didn't recognize who she was. She only knew that this man made her feel like she was melting and it was the most wonderful sensation…

That brief moment was shattered when they both heard the sound of high heels on the linoleum out in the hallway. It took nanoseconds for them to fly apart. Shinji went to glance out the door, flattening his hair as he did, and Misao filled one of the paper cups near the sink with cold water. She sat on the plastic bed and sipped until the fire in her body died down. He stood at the opposite end of the room, hands folded pensively behind his head. They were at different ends of the room, staring at different walls, thinking very similar things.

'What The Fuck Did I Just Do?'