Mad love today goes out to Made Nightwing, Hey, and claire83. Yesterday I experienced a wild writing session, and it looks like there's going to be 15 chapters in all. It's all you guys and your great comments that keep me going. I'm always happy to get feedback so that I can improve and continue to be inspired. I shall continue to upload new chapters every other day until we reach the very end. Thanks, and enjoy!
Ch. 8 You Must Remember This
This trip was half nightmare. The other half wasn't a dream, either. The other half was tolerable.
Once they were back on the Normandy, Kaidan had sought out Jacob and found him cleaning weapons in a large room off the CIC. "I wanted to apologize."
Jacob looked at him with a dark expression, "So now that you know I'm not sleeping with your girl, we're going to be buddies?"
Kaidan blinked, "I… deserved that."
Jacob shook his head, "Commander Alenko, what you think about Cerberus is right. They are a bad bunch of people, and I wish I would have seen it sooner. But if I didn't join up with them, Shepard wouldn't be here and I wouldn't have helped her take down the Collectors." He set his rifle on the table beside him, wiping his hands on his pants. "And you don't know me, or why I'm here. So I don't appreciate you passing judgment."
Kaidan nodded, folding his arms and leaning on the table, looking at the man across from him. "What I said was wrong, and I'm genuinely sorry. You are a good soldier. I wish the Alliance hadn't wronged you and lost your faith. It's our loss."
"You were being an ass."
"Yes, I was."
Jacob smirked, picking up a pistol and disassembling it. "You really thought me and her, huh?"
Kaidan's teeth gritted briefly as he dropped his gaze. "If I did, it was no excuse for my behavior."
"Uh-huh." Jacob ran a towel over the pistol components. "That's a yes."
Kaidan watched him a long moment, standing straight again. "I was an ass. Rub it in."
Jacob grinned a little, humor in his tone. "Plan to every chance I get, Commander." He lifted the disassembled barrel, looking through it. "But to be honest with you, I thought about it. Brought it up once, and she shot me down. Bruised my ego something fierce. I am pretty damn certain I am no threat to you in that department whatsoever." He shrugged, sliding two cleaned parts of the gun back together.
Kaidan grimaced. "I don't-…" he trailed off, hanging his head. "Look. You aren't a threat to anything. Shepard and I aren't anything."
"Why is that, exactly?" Jacob asked casually, looking back up at him as he set the pistol aside.
"Why aren't… she and I…"
"Yeah."
"Well… I thought she was dead, for one?" Kaidan shifted from foot to foot, crossing his arms. "And two years is a long time."
"It wasn't two years for her." Jacob's hands found a shotgun, and once again he began disassembling it with the speed and ease of a soldier who'd practiced this task over and over again. "You want to know what I think?"
"Is that a rhetorical question?"
The younger man smiled crookedly. "If you don't want to know, I can keep my opinions to myself, Commander."
Kaidan tilted his head to the side, "I would prefer we all focus on the mission, Mr. Taylor."
"And not your personal life."
"Exactly."
"Aye aye, Commander." Jacob grinned to himself, returning his attention to his task.
Kaiden let out a breath, scratching the back of his head, stepping back, and turned on a heel to leave. Honestly, were he and Shepard the only interesting things to talk about on his ship? Wasn't there a geth on board? An assassin? A former convict? Granted, the more colorful characters on the ship tended to stick to themselves. He'd had a brief conversation with only one of them.
Jack had cornered him near the sleeping pods, one tattooed arm reaching out to block his path. She'd asked, "When's the last time you got laid, Alenko?"
He'd blinked at her, "I'm sorry?"
"You heard me." She looked him over, running her tongue along her teeth, "And yeah, it was also an offer. You're too fucking tense."
He'd declined in the most gracious way that he could muster, quickly retreating to the safety of the Justicar.
Kaidan found Samara again now back at the observation deck, sitting on the floor, meditating. "Mind if I join you?"
"Of course not, Commander."
Kaidan slid into the seat beside her, folding his legs up under himself. He used to spend a lot more time meditating. It was part of his biotic training at Jump Zero. When he was a kid he took a few minutes every morning to just sit and clear his head. These days, well. He couldn't remember the last time he just sat down and relaxed. Before Shepard died, probably. It was a lot harder to keep a clear head when left to his own thoughts these days. The fact that she was alive again didn't do much to set his mind at ease, either. Before it was guilt for letting her die, then guilt over letting her get away, now it was-… he didn't even know what was wrong with him now.
"How went the mission?" Samara asked.
Kaidan exhaled slowly, his eyes closing. "The ship was here. We found some of the Collector seekers. We think they were here looking for the Prothean beacons."
"Yes, I heard Doctor Solus saying something to that effect." Those pale blue eyes were on him. "I was curious as to how you were after visiting Virmire again. I understand you lost someone there."
Kaidan let out a long breath, unfolding his legs, "Yeah… we did."
"Shepard retreated to her quarters after entering the coordinates for Ilos. I thought that a bit odd."
His brows quirked at that. He'd already taken a hot shower and gotten into dry clothes, radioed in to Halabi in the comm room, then crossed the CIC. No sign of Shepard. "It was… probably hard for her. I know it wasn't an easy decision she made two years ago on Virmire."
"You could talk to her."
He frowned, stretching out his legs, placing his feet against the wall. "I don't know if I could or should. I've just been pissing everyone off lately, Samara. If she went up to her quarters, I'm guessing she wants to be left alone."
Samara was silent, turning to look out the window, then rolled to her feet. She slid to sit beside him on the bench. "I think that you are fearful. I hope the observation doesn't offend you."
He glanced over at her, brows lifting. Fearful? He shifted in his seat a little, choosing his words carefully. "I haven't invested a lot of time in self reflection lately." In fact, he was trying very hard not to. "But I wouldn't say I'm fearful…"
"You loved her once, very much. And then you lost her. And the pain was excruciating. Like a child who has burned himself, you are in no hurry to return to that which caused you pain."
"And I'm also behaving childishly." He arched a brow at her.
"Perhaps." She gave him a thin, almost sad smile. "May I ask a personal question?"
"Go for it."
"If at any time in those past two years you were given the chance to be exactly where you are right now, would you take it?" Her calm yet piercing gaze was upon him again.
The question was unexpected, and he blinked at her, momentarily stunned. "I…" He swallowed, then exhaled, rubbing his face with both hands. "Yes. I would."
Samara nodded, "And would you be down here with me feeling sorry for yourself, or would you be up there with her?"
Kaidan leveled his gaze at her, then shook his head, getting to his feet, "I'll go talk to her."
"That is all I ask, Commander."
