A/N: This chapter is beta'd by ANobleCompanion who I'm slightly in love with at the moment because she's amazing and bless her heart she leaves little comments on everything she's thinking while she reads it and honestly it just makes me want to write more and more and if you haven't noticed, that's not really something I've been doing recently so if (on the off chance) I do manage to update quicker than I have lately... well you can send your thank you's straight onto her. Preferably by reading her fic "An Angel Came Down" on A03 which is totally my new favorite thing (psst and it's complete so you don't have to wait for torturous updates as you're doing for me)

Ps. Sorry guys I totally updated this on A03 like a few days ago and completely forgot to put it here.. but I remembered eventually, still sorry though 3 Forgive me ? Oh and things get a bit hectic in this chapter but I promise happy endings for everyone.. it's only gonna be this way for a little while!


After Dean came clean about what was happening through the bond, they'd managed to sit down and hammer out the best times and best days for their "playtime", as Dean liked to call it. Well he would have, had it actually happened. It was a little weird in the beginning They'd both agreed that all mornings and bedtimes were perfectly acceptable, but that doing anything during the middle of the day was off limits unless scheduled and agreed upon in advance. It had been nearly a week since the awkward discussion and still nothing, neither of them wanting to be the first to break. (read: Cas felt guilty for already having done it twice and Dean was a big ole' coward.)

Eventually Cas pushed Dean over the edge by grinning at him and commending his expert restraint. Of course, he said this while straddling his lap in between bouts of heated kisses. Dean groaned and grabbed tightly onto Cas' hips as he stood. Once he'd steadied himself, he let Cas slide off his body and planted him back on the couch.

"You, you're asking for it." Dean smiled playfully and backed away just a little, wanting to make sure that they were both on the same page and Cas' mind wasn't just clouded by arousal.

"Well if I knew asking was the way to get it, I'd have tried days ago…" Castiel teased. Dean felt himself harden even further. Hallelujah Cas finally expressed it was something he actually wanted to happen. It wasn't just some intangible possibility anymore. He swallowed hard and bit his bottom lip.

"I'll uh…" He paused, hearing the faint buzz and muffled ringtone of Cas' cellphone.

Castiel checked the screen and held a finger up to him as he answered the call. He was smiling brighter and Dean could feel his skin heating up even further at the idea of what was to come.

"Hello, mother."

Castiel's face dropped immediately and Dean felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him too, his own breath becoming harder to find.

"Yes, of course mother. I'll pack tonight and catch the first flight I can get." Dean hated getting only half of the conversation and it was literally breaking his heart to see the smile completely wiped from Cas' face, the worst part being the pain that had replaced it.

Dean tried to let him finish the call without interrupting, keeping his distance steady and unwavering. Until he was sure of what Cas wanted from him, he'd just stay still. His heart lurched and his body begged him to move closer, to comfort his soulmate but he wouldn't give in. He had this gut wrenching feeling that he'd be pushed away and he wasn't sure it wouldn't break him completely if he were.

Eventually Castiel pulled the phone from his ear and slumped back against the couch. He wasn't there long before he pulled himself forward, hands covering his face and digging in against his cheeks. Dean figured it was probably to keep himself from crying. He wanted to offer comfort, but he was unable to speak, almost terrified of what would happen if he did.

After a few minutes Castiel's head snapped up, as if he finally remembered his surroundings. Dean looked pleadingly into the swirling turquoise that seemed darker than it had ever before. "I'm sorry, Dean."

That's all it took before Dean practically jumped back onto the couch and wrapped his arms around Castiel's broad shoulders, pulling him in for the tightest hug they'd shared since the bond formed. "What? Are you kidding me? You have nothing to apologize for, Cas."

He waited, letting his boyfriend sink into the embrace. He ran his fingers softly through the dark spikes of hair and hummed quietly, not wanting to push the boundaries, but as long as Cas would let himself be held, Dean would be there to do it. By the second verse of "Hey Jude" he felt the shaking in his soulmate's shoulders and heard the soft cries.


"My Dad, he's uh.. he's in the hospital. They're not sure... if he's going to make it." Cas spoke the words into Dean's shirt quietly. It was probably pure luck that he was able to understand and interpret what was said at all.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. Do you... I mean I'll come with you, if you want me to." Dean offered, Cas felt his heart thumping so loud it felt like someone was beating on the drums of his ears.

"No, I couldn't... that's okay. I'll be fine. I'm not sure how long I'll be gone and your life is here. I just need to be there. I'm…" he sat up straighter, regretfully leaving the comfort of Dean's arms.

"Cas, I wouldn't mind to at least drive you up. It might take a little longer but I'd be with you that way and after that, I could just play it by ear. If you have to stay long enough to put me in a tight spot with work, I could easily just come back." Dean's words washed over him like a wave of relief, anxiety, and comfort all at the same time. He knew that it wouldn't be easy for them to be separated while their bond was still in it's early stages but he really needed to do this and there was no point in inconveniencing his soulmate. He could handle this on his own, despite the outcome.

"I appreciate the gesture, Dean but really it's fine. I'm going to go book my flight and gather my things. I would like a ride to the airport if that's not too much to ask?" Castiel looked up at Dean's face for the first time since the call, the worry and stress already having etched it's way into the gorgeous features.

"Sure, yeah. That's fine. I can totally do that." Cas knew his boyfriend was trying to reassure him, but he saw the anxiety hidden beneath it all. He leaned over and left a small chaste kiss against the soft pliant pink lips before making his way toward his bedroom.

He booked the earliest flight that he could manage to be on, leaving from SFO to Portland, Oregon, which gave him about an hour to grab a shower and get his bag packed. He tried not to let his nervous energy overtake him again as it had when Dean enveloped him into the warmth of his strong arms. He needed to be stronger than that, his mother needed him to be strong. He could do this.


The ride to the airport was silent and uncomfortable in a way they'd never been with one another. Not even during what Dean dubbed Cas' epic "I just found my soulmate" freakout, which was quite an accomplishment because that was awkward as hell. He felt the same spark under his skin only this time it was less excitement and more anxiety. He wasn't a fan of this separation they were about to undergo but Castiel was certain that he wanted to do this on his own and the last thing Dean wanted to do was make the already horrible situation any more difficult for his boyfriend.

He pushed down the guilt and nervousness until he could fake a lightheartedness at least somewhat convincingly. He pulled Castiel in against his side, which always made smiling easier. They were tucked together in the quiet for the entire forty minute drive, making Dean's heart lurch that much harder when Cas had to pull away from his grasp.

"Do you, ya know… want me to go in with you? You've got over an hour to kill before your plane leaves." Dean stumbled over his words, feeling more panicked than he'd ever known he could be.

"That's okay, I appreciate the offer but I think it might just make me more nervous. I... care about you a lot, Dean but this really is something I need to do alone. I'm sorry." Castiel's face solid in pure determination and as much as it hurt, Dean understood.

"Sure, sounds great. You know I, uh, I care about you too… a lot." Dean's smile widened and the nervousness was briefly replaced with a warmth flooding through him. He turned his head slightly, damned if he was gonna let Cas see the blush forming on his cheeks.

Instead of hiding away though, Castiel pulled Dean's face toward him and gave a smile, it was the first time he'd seen it since the phone call took it away and it did a very good job of calming his nerves.

"I am gonna miss you, Dean." He'd said before pulling Dean in for a harsh goodbye kiss. Their lips and tongues that were usually the voice of passion, romance, and love were battling in desperation and silent pleas.

"I'll miss you too, text me as soon as you land, and any time you want after that. I know you don't want me to go with you, and I understand that but just... I just gotta make sure you know you don't have to do this alone. You and me, we're, just... dammnit, Cas just promise me you'll call or text or something if you need anything, anything at all. I don't care if you just forgot your toothbrush or something just call me and I'll drop everything and be there in like eight hours." Dean was cut off with another harsh kiss, pulling back to see understanding and appreciation in the turquoise eyes of his soulmate.

"I understand, Dean, and I promise to call you if I need anything, even a toothbrush." Dean watched as the chapped pink lips turned upward with a small smile. And he kept watching until Castiel's backside was no longer visible inside the airport. He felt like a pumpkin on Halloween, like someone had just carved out his insides and left him a hollow shell of who he once was.

"Of course, cool, Dean Winchester turned into a teenage girl in less than a month after having found his soulmate," he thought to himself and when he also thought about their heated kisses, the long nights cuddling on the couch, the funny stories they'd shared over countless meals together, well he couldn't find it in himself to feel sorry about it, not even a little bit.

The drive back was like chewing, gargling, and then swallowing nails. He hated being away from Cas even when it was for things like work and classes and they were literally within twenty minutes of reaching one another almost constantly, but now it was even worse than all of that combined. The fact that he knew Cas was soon going to be unreachable, (at least quickly) and that he was probably going to be emotionally wrecked dealing with everything, and all on his own for the most part… it just, it wasn't okay.

He bypassed the apartment and went straight for the Roadhouse, aimed to get good and drunk so he could at least numb himself to what was happening even if it was just for a little while. He texted Sam to meet him there, he needed a designated driver and he knew that Ellen wouldn't even serve the kid a beer until he was legal.


Castiel stepped off the plane, thankful to be on solid ground again. He grabbed his luggage from the conveyer belt as quickly as he possibly could and headed toward the exit. He didn't expect anyone there waiting for him, he knew they'd be at the hospital. A taxi was parked just outside the door so he rattled off his previous address and slipped into the back seat. The tight stretching beneath his chest only seemed to tighten as he neared his childhood home.

He wasn't sure if it was the soulmate bond, the fact that he missed Dean already, or the dread of what was to come, but he didn't like the way his skin itched, or the way he felt like he wasn't whole anymore. The ride was fairly short, not giving him an abundance of time to overthink things which he took as a good sign. He slipped a few bills into the cab driver's hand before pulling his luggage out of the trunk and making his way up to the house.

It was strange how abstract it felt now, having not seen it in months, this time more so than the others before it. When he'd come back for the first time after leaving for Stanford it felt like walking back into a warm hug. Surrounded by family who'd always been supportive despite his darkened eye color. It seemed as if something had changed though. Now it felt cold, empty, like it was lacking any form of happiness. He supposed it was probably just the circumstances that had brought him there and nothing more as he pushed his way inside.

Castiel was greeted with silence and a slight chill despite the warm temperature. It seemed he was right in assuming everyone was at the hospital. He pulled his suitcase around the corner and dropped his things off in his old bedroom, checking his reflection in the mirror quickly before he'd planned to grab his keys and leave. He stopped, his mouth dropped open in a slight shock. He looked worse than he'd expected and quickly did what he could to hide the dark rings under his eyes, as well as the red splotches on his cheeks from crying.

After he'd freshened up a little, he'd quickly jogged toward the living room pulling the keys from the familiar ring and slipped into the garage. Thankfully, someone had understood the importance of doing minor maintenance to a vehicle that sat parked all the time. His heart thudded louder as he thought of his father. He swallowed those thoughts, fears, and emotions down before starting the car and sending Dean a quick text.

I made it here, on my way to the hospital. I'll keep you updated as often as I can. - Cas

He felt the buzz in his pocket when he was almost half way to the hospital. It was a comfort, knowing Dean had returned something, even though he wouldn't check it until he was safely parked. That, of course, was the first thing he did after shutting off the engine. A smile brightened his face, if only for a moment when he read the words.

Thank God, I was seriously worried about you getting on that flying metal deathtrap. - Dean

When Castiel reached the floor the front desk attendant had directed him toward, he immediately caught sight of his mother. He rushed toward her, enveloping her in the biggest hug he could manage. It must have thrown her off guard because when he pulled back she'd looked at him like he'd just gone crazy. It was then, that the realization that his family weren't really the hugging type washed over him. Spending so much time with Dean, and even Sam, had made him much more affectionate and tactile.

"I'm sorry," he muttered as he pulled away. His hands fell to his sides and clenched into fists, to keep him grounded.

"No, don't be. It's fine Castiel. I was just surprised that's all," she answered with a small smile.

"How's Father?" He asked, not sure if he truly wanted to know as he took in the look on faces of those in the waiting room. His brother Michael, who he'd not seen since before he left for college, was stoic and unable to read. However, Luke and Gabriel were completely different, both clearly devastated.

"He's still not doing well, but they are doing everything they can to save him, Castiel. Right now there's just a lot of waiting. Oh, how I do hate the waiting." She gave him one more small smile before pulling him into the seat beside her.

"I'm sorry, mother I got here as fast as I could." he started, but she cut him off with a pat to his knee.

"It wouldn't have changed anything, my darling. Although, I do wish that I had been able to take in those gorgeous eyes under much better circumstances." She raised a brow at him, clearly intrigued to know more about the subject.

He felt really guilty, it wasn't as if he hadn't told his parents that he'd met his soulmate, because he had. It was just the fact that he'd not really said anything else on the matter that kept nagging and tugging at the back of his mind. He loved his family, but Dean was something he wanted to squirrel away and hide for himself. Not because he was ashamed, but more because he didn't like the idea of sharing the most precious thing in his life. Thinking of his soulmate only made the tightness around his heart clench even harder, as if it were stuck in a vice that was quickly closing shut on it.

"I promise, I'll tell you what I can after we find out more about what's happening with father." Castiel replied, letting his hand cover his mother's soft, smooth, delicate fingers still placed on his knee. It wasn't often that any of them shared physical touches but he was grateful for the comfort it provided him in such troubling times.


Once Dean received Cas' text saying he'd made it, he doubled his efforts to get wasted. He knew it would be a while before his boyfriend would text again, so he was going to take prime advantage of the free drinks Ellen usually offered him. Or at least he was, until she was there, being all motherly and cutting him off. He should have known better, should have gone to a bar where they didn't know him and didn't expect him to sit around talking about his feelings and shit.

"Dean honey, I know that look and you are not gonna find your answers in the bottom of a bottle. Now, tell me what's going on before I have to knock you in the head and Sam has to carry you home." Damn Ellen and her goddamn motherly instinct bullshit. Okay, even Dean didn't like where his brain was going. He would have never said anything like that out loud, but he was a bit of a douche when he made it past five shots and he'd just downed his seventh before she stopped him.

"'I really don't wanna talk about it, can I get another round of Jose or do I need to go somewhere else?" He asked, with a blatant look of insubordination. He was done with the third degree, and there were plenty of bars in the area that would feed him booze until he couldn't take anymore, of course they'd also empty his wallet but at that particular moment Dean didn't care.

"Sure, Dean. Have yourself another round." She said with a smirk, even in his somewhat altered state of mind Dean knew better than to take that bait.

"Sammy, let's get out of here." He said toward the table in the corner where Sam was entertaining a brunette that looked like she'd fuck him good, but slice him into pieces afterward.

Sam looked almost grateful to be pulled out of the conversation, that look quickly shifted into his bitchface when he'd gotten close enough to tell just how "not sober" Dean really was. He wasn't drunk so he called it "not sober," in his head but the truth of the matter was that he was feelin' buzzed and loopy, and not even a little bit numb like he'd hoped.

Being without Cas was not something he wanted to be. He wrapped an arm over his brother's shoulder and hoped to God he'd survive long enough to look his dork of a boyfriend in the face and tell him he loved him. Tell him he'd loved him from the start, before it was practical, definitely before it was logical, and hell even before he'd understood what the warmth inside him really was.

He really needed to get a grip on himself.