It was a wishful hope, a foolish fantasy for Angelica to think that she could ever be with someone like him. If any other person had come to her with the idea she would have laughed for how ridiculous it was. But here she was, her head spinning like it was desperately trying to find a way it could possibly work. Everything from the very beginning had showed so much promise. He had understood what she was saying in a way no one else did. And she had understood him. Two lonely souls, isolated in a world with so many people because of one fact. That they actually loved someone.
But the brief time they'd had together seemed like a distant dream now, and Angelica very much wanted to go back to sleep and finish it. But you could not do that with dreams, and neither could she do that now.
The Spanish pirate stood in the doorway, ready to leave but she could feel strings holding her back and trying to pull her forward. James was behind her, if she turned around he'd be there with open arms ready to forgive her over and over again a thousand times because that's how good he was. But she did not—could not—turn around. "You understand, don't you?" she asked him softly, her Spanish accent full of emotion. He had not replied to her last comment.
James remembered first going to Port Royal on the ship with Weatherby and Elizabeth—being so confident and sure of himself, of what he believed, that he could change things for the better. And yet now after so many years he understood how little had had known then. "No." he answered, watching her, wishing she'd turn around even though he knew she wouldn't. "Truthfully, I feel as though I don't understand anything. I feel very conflicted…." He hesitated. "I think you are the first person to know me for who I really am."
Angelica bit her lip, knowing what he was referring to, flashbacks of their time together in Tortuga and here in England flickered before her eyes. He wasn't perfect like people thought he was, he wasn't a failure of a son like Lawrence believed, he wasn't a fool, a bumbling mess, a stuck up officer with no respect for anyone…
"That day when I didn't come back…was because I had gone with Elizabeth. Jack was at the tavern accepting crew mates…I signed up. A fight broke out and Elizabeth was there. She had me thrown to the pigs and then acted like she cared about me. I fell for it, too drunk with rum, too filled with bitterness about what I'd lost to care about what I was leaving behind. You." James felt stifled even recalling it all and he wanted to push it all back behind his mask because it felt easier. But wearing a mask, pretending, was not easier…and he knew that already. So he didn't hide his feelings. "I was so sick of living up to everyone's expectations, good and bad that I drank them away like you tried so hard to stop, and forgot you in the process. It was only later when I really understood what I'd done, but found it too late to change."
"You're not the only one who forgot." Angelica turned around finally, her hazel eyes glistening and James was unsure if she was going to cry or not. "But forgetting what had happened was never going to work. You were always there in the back of my mind because I was unable to let you go."
James met her gaze, knowing that it was time to stop playing around and he had to decide something. He felt a tight hold on his chest, like when he'd seen her again for the first time in so long and remembered it all. How she used to fight him over the rum he'd bring back even though she was so tiny, and how she told him everything….and he told her. And just like she understood him better than anyone else, he understood her in the same way. And like she said, to forget was impossible. So James made his choice.
"I understand you want to leave." He came forward, gently shifting his fingers through her hair. "Because this was never going to be easy. I'm so out of you league…and you're out of mine. And in a world where no one else understands what it's like to care for someone else so deeply…" he trailed off, knowing she understood. There was a look in her face, a quiver in her small frame that told him everything. "Your nature is to be free, to have no ties and I would only slow you down. But I will always come after you no matter how many times you run and no matter how much people try to hold us back. I'm going to be with you." He bent his head down and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, feeling something hard inside him slowly melt as she hugged her arms around his neck tightly. And when he pulled away the tiny, fierce pirate was buried against him, clutching tightly. And James kissed her hair and her ear and whatever else he could, for even though she clung s hard he knew it was goodbye. At least for now. "I'll find a way." He murmured against her hair. "I promise."
She stepped back and he pushed back her dark hair off her pretty face. "I love you." She swallowed hard, like she wanted to cry and James half wished she would for it would make it easier for him. "Thank you."
"For what?" he frowned some.
"For choosing." She smiled faintly, pressing a tender but passionate kiss to his mouth that he'd remember for a long, long time before she pulled away a final time.
James kept his eyes closed, not wanting to see her leave. For it wasn't goodbye. He would sort out his father and a new job and find her again. He knew where she'd be.
After he heard the click of the front door and soft footsteps running off into the dark, he trailed upstairs.
